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 Morethanfriends
Joined: 10/16/2004
Msg: 1
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.Page 1 of 1    
When men and women become very close platonic friends what is the likelyhood that there is a physical chemistry going on with at least one of them? My guess is 90% one of them likes the other in this manner. And how often is it the guy who is sexually interested in the female but she seems him as just a big brother. I would bet at least 75% of the time. I consider it a sincere compliment to be viewed as a big brother but hey it can be disheartening to a certain degree. How many women had a very close male friend for at least two years and feel disappointed when he starts falling for you in that way? How many men feel disappointed when they start falling for her and she comes out with the big brother phrase? And then of course is it that us men just pick close female friends that we are physically attracted to on most occasions and we just rarely turn those hormones off? I have a feeling this is going to stir up debate.
 Ticketoride
Joined: 6/3/2004
Msg: 2
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 2:06:48 AM
That's life. Its everywhere.
 KeepingStep
Joined: 7/6/2004
Msg: 3
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 7:48:25 AM
I had this happen to me no so long back.

My close friend was trying to bring conversations around to talk of intimate relations. I ducked this for a while, and finally it came down to my having to tell him point blank that we were FRIENDS...and I didn't feel that we were going to be sexually involved. For many months he seems to accept this and we got along very well. We talked a lot.

Then one night he made it very clear to me that an intimate relationship was what he wanted and he wouldn't accept anything else. He said he wanted to settle down with me, and I had to be clear that this way NOT what I wanted with him.

We ended the conversation and he has never called again...nor ever returned my calls.

Geez...

I am told by many men that it is just not possible to for men and women to be good friends without sex. I don't believe that...but I don't have proof that the statement is wrong.
 GeorgieLeopard
Joined: 8/31/2004
Msg: 4
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 8:00:30 AM
I have had the honor of having a best friend who is male. We are buddies, pals. We've enjoyed this friendship for more than thirty years. When he comes to visit there is great excitement, because I know I won't be hit on, and I can cuddle with him and tell him things I don't discuss with most people. He's the most non-judgemental person I know. He sticks up for me, is always there for me, and I'm the same for him.

When I was married, before my husband died, my husband thought the world of David as well. They were good friends. My husband wasn't jealous at all. Mind you, we never did anything worth being jealous about, other than be best friends.

To this day, I miss David. You see, he was gay. He died of AIDS three years ago, and I held him in my arms while he left. There is a hole in my soul now he's gone. I miss him greatly.

Now I know some of you are going to say--yeah, but, he was gay. But he was the nicest most conciderate man I've ever known. His family disowned him when he came out, and they wouldn't even come to his beside when he died. Now, I'm not a person who limits my friends to straight people, because some of the nicest people I've met have different tastes than I do. They are simply people who deserve the same kind of concideration we want from others.

His memory is alive and well cherrished.
 freemind
Joined: 10/16/2004
Msg: 5
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 12:13:17 PM
i hung out with this woman for awhile. she was really attractive. she wasn't attracted to me physically. I was disappointed for awhile but we hit it off as far friends went. we ended up being best friends and moving in together for 2 years. I really liked just hanging out with her and that's why I think our friendship works. she's still attractive to me, and believe it or not, there was a time when she wanted to use me for sex and i turned her down becuase I didn't want to lose the friendship. I don't think she totally understood what I meant when I turned her down and may have gotten offended. I don't totally understand what came over her at that time becuase we were talking about our other relationships. Anyways, we were still good friends afterwards but we both moved on months later. Looking back, I have no regrets, but I admit I sometimes fantasize about having sex with her. My best friend now is a guy but I still have some attractive women friends that I can be myself and hang out with which I don't think I could have done if I didn't have that friendship in my past.
 juzamjedi
Joined: 10/20/2004
Msg: 6
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 1:05:34 PM
Yes Georgie - it is sad that gay people, some of whom are the most compassionate people I have ever known, are so alienated in our world. Maybe their compassion is a result of all this mistreatment they recieve? I don't know.

Best friend? Nah my best friend has been and probably always will be the same guy. But platonic friends of the opposite sex are great - women can be so supportive. Not to mention they talk dirtier than sailors with their friends, wow!
 Morethanfriends
Joined: 10/16/2004
Msg: 7
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 1:17:11 PM
I wanted to say first that I am sorry to hear georgie that you went through such a tough loss. I am glad he had someone like you close to him during that period of time.

Re: Platonic close friends. It is just funny how people look for someone close and compatible and when there is they don't want to ruin there friendship or one is just not interested in the other. My example was this. When I first met my real close friend there was definate chemistry and we talked about our attraction to each other and played those flirtatious games. But for other reasons we never dated. Over time we started talking about everything. Secrets and all. It was like in time she depended on me to lift her out of any emotional issues she was going through and vise versa. I never lost the chemistry but one day she said you are like my big brother with alot of other mushy talk however when asked she admitted that she just can't see me any different and lost those physical desires. Yaeh its life. Just funny because she dates a very abusive guy now who doesn't like her talking to me anymore.
 GeorgieLeopard
Joined: 8/31/2004
Msg: 8
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 2:53:10 PM
Thank you. I still miss David every day. But most of my platonic friends are men. I find women intimidating at times. Gosh! lol I wonder why?
 Tom Orrow
Joined: 8/26/2004
Msg: 9
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 4:19:56 PM
I'm friends with a girl I fell in love with some thirty years ago.
Started as friends, doing nice things together, even went on holidays twice.
But my feelings for her grew stronger and stronger and at a certain point it became unbarable [spelling?]. So we said goodbye, farewell.....

Then, years later a friend of mine was ill and I went to do some shopping for him in a (for me) unknown supermarket.
I thought I saw my old girlfriend there and turned round some ailes to try to look to her face for I wasn't sure it was her.
Didn't see her again, yes, she had taken another route.
I went after her and turned around yet another aile.....
Finally I gave up, that girl, whoever she was, ran cris-cros through that supermarket, no way I could predict her route.
At the check-out we met....and it was her.
[laughing]
She had tried to do the same thing as me, try to get a look at the other's face.

We are friends again, going out a few times a year, lovely evenings those are, talking about the past and the future.
Unfortunately she is disabled now, due to braindammage, but we still can go along very well together.


Tom
 blackhawksq
Joined: 10/20/2004
Msg: 10
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 4:33:48 PM
I've had several female friends. Throughout Highschool and college some of my best friends were females. Nothing more. Now I'm here in Houston and have met another female who I get along great with and we've both decide it would go no farther than friendship.
 msnlvd1s
Joined: 10/22/2004
Msg: 11
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 4:40:51 PM
I love the friendships that I have with my male friends. We talk on the phone, email each other, go out to dinner, to lunch, visit each other when we're in town, for a weekend or what not. But they are just that, friendships. I think men like having a womans point of view almost as much as they like their male friends. men seem to have a more difficult time trying to figure out if it's platonic or not, often they just assume you're sexually attracted to them and are shocked when you tell them you're not. Attracted to them yes, but sexually no. there is a difference. All the people you have in your life you are somehow attracted to, it's just a matter of how you are attracted to them that makes or breaks the sexual aspect.
the only thing that sucks about having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex is when they become involved with a jealous other half, i've lost a couple of friendships that way.
Platonic friendships are great, friends with beni's isn't too bad either but I've noticed that those don't last as long as the platonic friends. Men get weird after you've had sex with them and you still only want to be friends. Even if he doesn't want to go forward with a relationship I think they expect a woman to want more.
 Gracie
Joined: 4/10/2004
Msg: 12
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 5:23:50 PM
As long as I can remember, most of my close friends have been men. In high school I had a few close female friends, but any given day you could find 2 or 3 of my male friends at the house hanging out, and I usually had a better time with them than with the girls. A couple of those friendships started out as crushes and when I got to really know those guys, I was well relieved that we had remained just friends.. and thankful too, because they turned out to be people that I felt blessed to have in my life and would hated to have lost at the end of a relationship. And I agree with Georigie.. women can be REALLY intimidating! Sometimes it seems like guys are easier to get along with because a lot of times they have a "whatever" attitude about things.. there's not a lot of the cattiness that comes with some women.

This thread makes me wonder, and this is just my opinon, but I'd like to see what everyone else thinks...

Platonic opposite sex friendships are easy enough to deal with if your signifigant other was friends with that person before the two of you got together, but what if it's an after-the-fact friendship? How would you feel if your s/o met and started hanging out with a person of the opposite sex after you had been together for a while?

I guess it's all a matter of self-assuredness and security in the relationship but wouldn't it be at least a little hard to swallow?
 juzamjedi
Joined: 10/20/2004
Msg: 13
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 6:09:01 PM
Boy oh boy, yes it is. One ex had always been best friends with guys, she just got along with them better. I didn't have any problems with guys she had already known, but then she moved away to another school and naturally made new friends, mostly guys. I hate to admit it, but my first response was jealousy. But on my trips to see her she introduced me to her friends and I grew to trust and even like most of them.

Interesting follow up though: it turns out that my jealousy was somewhat justified. After she split with me she started dating one of those friends.
 Gracie
Joined: 4/10/2004
Msg: 14
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 6:59:02 PM
That's why I find that a little hard to swallow. *L* If they weren't going to be intimate or whatnot before you two got together, chances are they wont afterwards.. but when you throw someone new in the mix, all bets are off.
 blackhawksq
Joined: 10/20/2004
Msg: 15
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 10/24/2004 8:12:23 PM
I don't know about anyone else but I absolutely loath jealousy. For the most part it's a wasted emotion... if they're going to cheat on you then they're going to cheat on you and jealousy well just lead to that point.

Granted this is coming from a guy who's EX did cheat on him with one her male companions...
 MisssButtons
Joined: 7/30/2011
Msg: 16
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 6/1/2012 11:02:02 PM
So don't be friends with women. Really make up your mind can you handle just friendship or not. If not, then stop pretending
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 17
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 6/2/2012 12:58:58 AM
i'm really not following this one.
 Trailsman5
Joined: 4/10/2006
Msg: 18
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 6/2/2012 3:56:07 AM
I have enjoyed purely platonic friendships with the opposite sex. However, sometimes (but not always) you meet someone that is attractive, you click with, are both single and have some mutual interests. These are the ingredients most guys (can't speak for the ladies) would seek in a potential lifemate.

But then you're given the "just friends" speech, and you try to be mature about it and say, "OK." You don't want to give the impression that you just wanted to sleep with them (because they honestly do have many good qualities) so you stick around.

You find yourselves hanging around and listening to her stories of how she can't find a decent guy, or how she had incredible sex with some douchebag for months until he dumped her for someone else. You're essentially a surrogate boyfriend, who might be cast aside once she gets a real one. If you're single, its like telling a hungry man that you had to throw out a bundt cake because you couldn't find anyone to eat it. You want to scream, "HEY... I'M NOT RUPERT EVERETT!"

In the end, you either bottom line them or just drift apart. In retrospect, none of these gals went on to have healthy long term relationships with anyone. Will they ever make the connection? Do any of us make the connection?

Friendistan can be a land of false hopes and surpressed desires. If its not fun, why continue the charade? Live life authentically.

This begs the question: what is the moral difference between a physical relationship with no emotion and an emotional relationship with no physicality?
 greenIsis777
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 19
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Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 6/2/2012 11:09:14 AM
I don't think there is always one person in the mix that has feelings for the other. a lot of times, but not always. with that said, I would never date a guy who had a girl for a best friend. things happen and feelings develop over time even if you mean them not to. I certainly wouldn't like my boyfriend or husband hanging out with this best gal pal all over the place!
 smarternudumbernmost
Joined: 5/25/2012
Msg: 20
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 6/2/2012 11:29:19 AM

When men and women become very close platonic friends what is the likelyhood that there is a physical chemistry going on with at least one of them?

100% at some point in time in the relationship.
It will come and go.
Evidenced by the way people fantasize and masturbate.

Men, in general, take what they know, their experience, and interject it into their fantasies. Not consciously. It just appears.
Women are women. Smile, scent, hair, eye color, cleavage, legs, feet, laugh, emotionally supportive, kindness, caring, if anything causes a positive emotional reaction in the guy...it's going to end up in a sexual fantasy.

Women, in general, take desired traits and build a fantasy.
Men are men. Smile, courage, honor, chivalrous, consideration, consistent, strength. Any archetypal behavior he exhibits that she desires in a mate, causes a positive emotional reaction, will end up in one of her sexual fantasies.
Put that into the brain, the brain works towards influencing a persons behavior to get what it perceives it wants.

It is not a far leap for the brain to work "oooh, that turns me on, that feels good, that makes me feel good, that fulfills me" to "hey, they have that or those traits, they can make me feel good, they can fulfill me," and then motives for the relationship and actual behavior can always be questioned, causing fault line cracks in the foundation of the purely social construct of the "friends" relationship.


we just rarely turn those hormones off?

I had no idea I came with a hormone turnoff lever.
Is it on the center of my back or something.
Does it interfere with my endocrine system or anything?
 AspenJack
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 21
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Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 6/2/2012 11:43:31 AM
I had no idea I came with a hormone turnoff lever.
Is it on the center of my back or something.
Does it interfere with my endocrine system or anything?.

It’s in your mind, Smarty, accessible only to those that use said mind.

Gotcha!
 wildriver11
Joined: 9/25/2007
Msg: 22
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Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 6/2/2012 12:59:16 PM
lol, that is very true. Mind over matter...how many of us can control our mind?
 Deleted1a2b3c4d5e
Joined: 10/24/2011
Msg: 23
Platonic best friends between opposite sexes.
Posted: 6/2/2012 9:31:56 PM
I would say it very rarely works. Not that it never works, just that it's probably a very difficult set of circumstances for it to actually happen.
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