| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 8/31/2009 12:25:22 PM | Hi there, I thought I would post this to see if anyone has something helpful to say: Situation is friend who has cancer and has kicked it into remission 4 times already is NOT doing so well this time around. She is like a mother and a grandma to me, and her daughter and grandaughters all tell me I 'am part of this family too'. 2 weeks ago, she told me she 'does not feel ready to die'. I have openly discussed death with her in a non combative/confrontational way with total acceptance of whatever the reality maybe.
Lately though, she has been distancing herself from me and other friends, moved an hour south, according to her, 'to make it easier for her grandaughters once she is gone'. It appears she is preparing to die this time, whereas she has fought the good fight up until this point. I can totally understand she is tired of fighting, know that dying is not such a bad thing, but also know well enough that part of her wants to stay and fight, just doesn't have much strength to carry on.
So..., knowing all of this, I contacted her daughter who lives out of state and was planning to come out anyways in a couple months (knowing my friend doesn't want to worrry her daughter or be a burden and wants her to believe 'everything is fine' ). I informed the daughter that mom is NOT 'fine', and asked her if there is any way she can come sooner, bc in my heart of hearts, I believe (knowing what a close supportive family they are) that if she was surrounded by her loving family, it might lend her some strength.
Anyways, this am I hear from her daughter that she figured out I tipped the daughter off and is extremely upset with me. (I guess I blew her cover). Part of me feels like 'well, she is such a Christ wannabe martyr who doesn't allow herself permission to feel anger that maybe if she's mad at me I could serve as a useful catalyst to purge any repressed toxic emotions and that could be cathartic'? I know on some level, her life and family relationships is her biz and not mine, though her daughter did greatly thank me and is flying out asap now. Where I am confused in this situation is, did I do the right thing, or did I meddle too much? Her daughter says just give it a couple days and she'll cool off, but I was a trusted friend, and I think she feels like she can't trust me now? Anyways the 'secret' of her poor health is a pretty heavy load for me to carry. Any thoughts from anyone who has dealt with this before would be greatly appreciated! Thanks, Wiyan | |
|
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 8/31/2009 12:40:15 PM | In my opinion you did the right thing. I know a lot of people would say, leave it alone, but you can't. It is not in your makeup. Hang in there. When things settle down after the daughter gets into town, go see her one on one. Explain to her, that you want her to be surrounded by love during this period. This is her chance for closure. This is her families chance for closure. I just hope that all parties see this for what it is, and take advantage of the opportunity. Talk about past transgressions, the good times, the bad times. This is the most wonderful opportunity to clear the air, forgive, and accept.
good luck and God Bless.... | |
|
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 8/31/2009 1:14:46 PM | If this woman is such a motherly figure for you, just go to her and explain that you had to do what you thought was right, for her and her daughter - that you would never have forgiven yourself if something happened to her and her daughter didn't know. I think she'll forgive you.
I have a friend who has beaten cancer 4 times as well. The time before last she swore she wouldn't go through it again, and I understood - 3 times was enough. Then her son got cancer. . . well, how could she not fight it, and still expect him to? She's a 4 time survivor, and my hero. What an amazing woman! My heart goes out to you and your friend. Peace. | |
|
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 8/31/2009 2:05:11 PM | The two ladies that posted said it all and said it well
I couldn't agree more
God Bless you and your friend ~ I hope she knows she is blessed to have your friendship | |
|
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 9/1/2009 12:13:10 AM | Having a close family and being very active in the care for my grandparents the last few years of their lives, I have to say that family is everything.
I could not say it any better than the previous posters. People are not family just because you share the same blood. Family is made up of much more than that, and obviously you are apart of this one.
Take heart that you did the right thing (in my opinion). | |
|
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 9/1/2009 1:44:49 AM | You did the right thing and she will thank you later for it.
There are lots of reasons as to why someone would do what you explained. Everyone has their own reasons. But like my dear grand mother taught me was, when someone is sick, it's not just about them. It never is and anyone who thinks it is needs to "have'a swift bonk on the noggin."
In these times it allows the true soul of man to show it's self to others. Allows us to show our gratitude, love, compassion and allows us to deal with the pain that is in our hearts too. We (those that will live on) still have to push forward and not having that chance to do what we need to help us process could hurt for a long time after they pass.
What you gave her daughter is what she needs and what you need. If you didn't do it, think of the burden you would carry for the rest of your days.
I extend a warm felt feeling of hope and love to you and your "family". This is were family is really defined. | |
|
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 9/1/2009 6:47:36 AM | When my beloved Granny was diagnosed with Cancer I was in Germany with my first husband. My mom was the care giver for Granny, but she had to have surgery on both of her hands for carpal tunnel. (Was severe case) Any way, I wanted to come back home to take care of Granny while mom had surgery. She refused the surgery due to taking care of Granny. My EX husband had a fit that I wanted to come home, and told me that I needed to get my priorities in order....Thus him and his kids....... Now I loved those kids like they were my own... I still do... but I had made arrangements with a freind of mine over there to watch the kids while the ex was working..She was even willing to keep them 24/7 while he was in the field. Yes she was/is a good friend.
He still refused....My Granny died 5 months after diagnosis.... I was able to fly home for the funeral, but I still never got the closure that I needed. I needed to take care of my Granny, even if for a short time, to feel that I had in some minute way paid her back for all the love and care she gave me. My ex denied me that closure. And while it was not our only issue, it was a major issue as I resented him doing that. A marriage cannot last with resentment in the mix. As it turned out, I never did go back to Germany. I was given an ultimatum that I would be on the plane the morning following the funeral, or don't bother coming back... I didn't go back.....
To this day, 22 years later, I still feel that I do not have closure... I never got to say my good byes I guess. Maybe in a way, I think she is still in Arizona doing her "snowbird" thing and she is not really gone.... Oh how I wish that was the case.... Yes I still miss her. | |
|
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 9/1/2009 3:39:28 PM | | Thank you all for your encouragement and compassion. I ended up having a lovely heart to heart chat with my friend and also her daughter. I feel much more at ease now and I'm quite in awe of my friend's graciousness and strength, as well as her faith. Her warrior spirit came through too, and that was very encouraging to me, as I had interpreted lately that she was weak and losing the battle. I think to overcome cancer that kind of determination is key to healing. I was very humbled by how she is even using her fight for life as a way of teaching the rest of us to take charge of our life and let noone else define it. She wanted it known very clearly that she doen't want any of us to misplace our concern for her as an excuse to not excel in any other areas of our life, especially her daughter.Thanks again so much everyone! | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 9/18/2009 5:31:18 PM | | My friend, Marlene Silversong Belcourt, who was as a mother and grandmother to me and many crossed over to take the journey this morning, surrounded by her daughter, grandkids, son, nieces,and brother. I am glad I asked her daughter to fly our here. The whole family was together for her passing, and we all told her that we loved her dearly. She touched thousands of lives in her time spent here with us in her 'earthrobe'. She will be dearly missed. I am sad I cannot see her smile in the flesh, but happy she is free and out of pain- She has joined the angels now Wiyan | |
|
| |
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 9/25/2009 7:38:43 AM | The amazing story of Doctor Lorriane Day
http://www.consciousmedianetwork.com/members/lday.htm?bcpid=1344596375&bclid=1344578018&bctid=1344621630
her web sight
http://www.drday.com/tumor.htm | |
|
| |
| |
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:40:31 AM | | Take your friend to a Christian Church, and ask for prayer, God has already healed thousands, no reason for your friend not being added to the list. | |
|
| |
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 10/29/2009 9:16:38 PM | | Well Passionate-one of the last things she said was 'I'm gonna go meet Jesus'.She also said she was becoming Salmon Woman, returning back home again. She had a good life, and is loved and revered by many. She started the HonorDay Foundation to bring honor to all. I think of her every day-like I'm talking to her. Thanks again everybody for all of your kind words of support-I very much appreciate all of you. Blessigs Wiyan | |
|
| seeking inspiration and comfort re: cancer
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:12:55 PM | It's not a terrible thing you did because you have no real ethical obligation to keep her secret like say her doctor. She'll probably get over it and some reason I think the last thing on her mind is how you told her daughter the actual state of her condition. The only real options you had if you didn't agree with what she was doing in terms of isolation and all that is to do what you did or try to convince her to change her mind. Depending how stubborn of a person she is it seems convincing her would have been rather difficult.
Of course the flip side of it or the devil advocates point of view would have been the whole yah yah you had no right and blah blah so forth. It depends on the person really cause some people do want to just go peacefully alone as not to burden their family no matter how much the general public thinks no everyone should have love and support and their family near by. However, that contradicts the true wishes of the person who is the actual person dying. I mean yah that would suck if she passed away and her daughter was thinking she's doing better / not dying soon. But you might have taken away the person's peace of mind knowing what she was doing was right in her eyes. Now she's all bitter about the betraying trust thing. Who's to say other than you and her. I personally would talk to her and try to make sure she isn't all bent out of shape and maybe understand why you did it?
It sounds like a complicated cancer case where keeping prepare to pass away only to find you aren't, then you have to prepare, rinse and repeat. That does something to a person's mental stability I'm sure. I know for a fact I've made it known to my parents and sister my intentions if I ever had a critical injury/veggie state/ terminal illness that I really don't want to survive if my quality of life is significantly less than what it was before the event. If I woke up to find I was paralyzed or something that drastic to low the quality of life I would be extremely pissed off. Then again I have a pretty what is it... cut or dry view point about life/death and all the little things surrounding it. I would actually want to be like your friend alone. I could see what she was pulling away.
Don't feel bad as you did nothing terribly wrong. I would still say just make sure everything is right for her so she's not harking on it and sees that your intentions were good. Some people can hold onto things like this forever and it would be quite sad if her last few moments on earth is her remembering you betrayed her and outed her. If you really have to admit and say you are wrong even if you think you aren't to make her feel better or whatever I would say do it. Take one for the team as it were.
Good luck | |
|
Home
login 
