| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 12:36:36 PM | I am not looking to sleep around been divorced 3 years doing this online dating thing for over a year now. Would like a serious companion.
Met someone I really like and she likes me I know that. We have seen each other 4 or 5 times in the last week and the days we haven't we exchanged texts or talked on phone. We just click in so many ways. We enjoy each other's company, laff, joke.
For me that's enuff so I hid my profile. I am happy to date one person if I find someone whom fills my needs. Yet she continues to have her profile up and is on a lot and if I may say so its not POF there is no forum on that site.
This is so stupid I feel like a kid. I was hoping she'd reciprocate pulling her profile, she didn't, now I am pulling back because she is still feeling the need to explore.
I am not sure what the question is here to be honest except what am I feeling, why, and what to do?
Its hard to see someone when you feel like they are all u need but they don't feel the same way or appear not to. | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 12:42:10 PM | Are you really expecting that she pull her profile after 4 or 5 dates????
Give her ALOT more time!!! It takes much more than 4 to 5 dates to see if you're truly compatable, and coming on here acting jealous and posessive is a great way to loose a good thing!
You really need to realize that this woman has probably dated quite a few guys who don't turn out to be who they portrayed themselves to be. She's not going to get all excited after knowing you for so short a time if she's being careful about herself! | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 12:43:00 PM | | You are just giving in to an inferiority complex. Don't let your negative thoughts get the best of you. Keep doing what you feel inside. If she feels the need to "hold on to that hope, something better will come along", not your problem...Her loss! | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 12:44:16 PM | Some people don't like to put all their eggs in one basket. Perhaps she's been burned numerous times by budding relationships that looked promising only for them to blow up in her face down the line.
I've been called to task for doing the same thing by guys I was getting to know and I told them the same thing - that I wasn't going to put all my eggs in one basket until I was sure that basket was stable. That's just my way of doing things - doesn't make it right or wrong, but it works for me.
You just do things differently than she does - that doesn't make her way wrong. Until you get close enough to have the exclusivity talk and you both agree to stop dating others, she may continue persuing other interests. | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 12:45:22 PM | OP
You have to realize that the dating game really changed "while you were away". Integrity is something that is now rarely valued. I can already see the jades beginning to have an effect on you - the first thing you want to do is STAY ON THIS FORUM FOR A WHILE JUST READING PEOPLES'S STORIES it will give you a crash course on the pony tricks that are being used out there to blind people who are looking for true love and are therefore "susceptible" because they put themselves out there in an honest way. You have to be very guarded otherwise the thieves will enter into your holy abode and destroy everything of value leaving you plundered and desolate. PUT YOUR GUARDS UP and learn the tricks. Don't let anybody in unless they pass the tests.
Good luck | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 12:46:47 PM | Nope not long at all. Good point. That's what I need to hear.
You r right time to back off regardless of how it feels. Week is nuttin. Been at this so long that when you meet someone and you hit it off its like very unexpected. Just so many dissapointments.
Thanks MisKa | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 12:47:47 PM | "Give her ALOT more time!!! It takes much more than 4 to 5 dates to see if you're truly compatable, and coming on here acting jealous and posessive is a great way to loose a good thing!
You really need to realize that this woman has probably dated quite a few guys who don't turn out to be who they portrayed themselves to be. She's not going to get all excited after knowing you for so short a time if she's being careful about herself"
Ah, the eternal double standard. If a guy does the exact same thing, he get labeled a player. | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 12:52:05 PM | Be patient OP. You don't really know for a fact if you two are going to make it past three months because you are not even close to being there.
Personally, I don't date more than one guy at a time. It is just too complicated for me but I doubt I would remove my profile until I actually committed to someone.
Eventually, if she believes you two are going in the right direction she will not find the need to see if anyone else is interested in her because ....she already found the one that matters.
p.s....can't believe somone wanted to delete this thread...it is in the right area, dealing with relationships. Delete trolls just pizz me off.
There is nothing wrong with your question OP. Glad most of the people around here can see that. | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 12:54:36 PM | Why don't you give her time to catch up.
You've only had a few dates and if you've not talked about exclusivity then
what's the problem with her having a profile?
That's what you're talking about here is exclusivity OP.
And if she feels that she doesn't want to only date you, then having her profile up is
what she wants to do.
What did she say when/if you told her you hid your profile?
I mean you ONLY hid your profile and then talked about her pulling her
profile. Big difference in Hiding and Pulling a profile. | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 1:00:50 PM | A few points:
1. As the others said, give her more time. You are already infatuated, she is not.
2. Seeing each other 4 or 5 times a week is a *lot* at the beginning. It creates a vibe of "being together" rather than "dating" and she may well not be comfortable with this, at least not so fast.
3. You're feeling kinda insecure, and that's a natural reaction. But think about it this way: would you rather want her to be with you just because you happened to "snatch her first", or because she selected you among a large set of potential candidates ? Hopefully she won't be looking forever, so if one month down the road she hides her profile and focuses on you, it will be an informed decision on her part, not just a gut feeling. At least that's how I see it.
As for what to do, nothing at the moment. Just enjoy each other's company (preferably no more than 2-3 times a week) without bringing this up. If all keeps going well and she's still active after, say, a month, you may want to ask her, in a completely relaxed, matter-of-fact sort of way, without giving off any insecurity or sense of entitlement vibes.
Good luck. | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 1:02:59 PM |
Its hard to see someone when you feel like they are all u need but they don't feel the same way or appear not to.
No it's not. Five days isn't that long an investment really.
Stop spying on her. You get clingy and she's going to be outta there.
Give her some breathing room and a chance to miss you a little bit. Create mystery and she'll want to find out more about you.
There's no emotional scale that proves or warrants two people have to feel exactly the same thing at the same time. Everyone processes their individual experiences differently, and we ought to respect this. We are all different, thankfully.
Pulling back a little in a positive way is probably a good thing, but do it for the right reasons. No tit for tat high school mentality game playing bull.
K...hope this helps.
All the best to you! | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 1:05:00 PM | Keep pulling back until she ASKS you "what's happening?"
Then before answering, ASK her questions about how she sees her life progressing.
What do you want in a 6 month, 1 year, 5 year and 10 year plan as far as work, living situation, relationship life etc
get her answers before you TELL her why you are pulling back.
Dont let her use you. Just ask questions of a GENERAL nature to find out HER goals.
Finally, you can ask a specific question.
"Hey, when in a dating relationship do you feel it's appropriate to remove yourself from an online dating site totally?"
Ahhhh.. just read the posts. ONLY a week and you took it down? dude, did you go ring shopping too?
here's one hint.. stop with the 4 or 5 times a week of contact, make yourself less available and continue dating others. IF she is that into you, she'll start wanting more time and wonder where you are.
If she says never, then you have your answer. She is still shopping and "Just not that into you"
Decide appropriately | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 1:10:38 PM | OP - I'm going to be the voice of dissention in here...but let me ask - did you tell her you were hiding your profile? Did you say anything along the lines of - I like you a lot, I want to see where this goes, so I'm just going to see you? Most women (not me of course!) wait for a man to say something like that.
Some people date one at a time - some date more than one. Some believe it's either there right away (that's me) - some believe it takes time to develop.
And of course - the internet component! Maybe she's just on there saying to other guys "no thanks I've met someone" (some of us are polite sometimes)...or maybe she's looking to see if YOU are on there...
Talk to her! | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 1:13:15 PM | Oh man, youve seen each other 4 or 5 times, and you expect her to pull her profile? a tad bit obsessive are you?
What are you going to do after a month of being out with her, wedding bells, his and her matching shirts??
Just go with the flow and enjoy the woman company, youre not committed to each other, and if you keep doing what youre doing , she's going to be gone faster than Billy Bob's moonshine at his inbred cousin shindig | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 1:16:07 PM | | For me, it’s too soon for an exclusive relationship after four or five dates. However, if the initial connection and rapport between us is great, then it ISN’T too soon to start DATING exclusively. IMO, it doesn’t take weeks to determine if the POTENTIAL for more exists. If it doesn’t, we move on. If it does, then I will want to date exclusively, because I think it’s easier to determine compatibility if we’re focusing solely on getting to know one another without the distraction of other suitors. I will also want to start nurturing romantic intimacy (e.g., hand holding, hugging, smooching) in tandem with our budding friendship, and that is NOT going to happen if he is dating a cadre of other women. This is MY dating process, your mileage may vary; but the fact that everyone does it “their way” means that you and the gal you’re seeing should discuss intentions. Is she happy just casually dating multiple suitors? Is she ready for a serious relationship? Does she know what she wants? Basically, find out if you are you both on the same relationship page. This will allow you to make an informed decision on how to best proceed. Good luck! | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 1:22:29 PM | I would forget about her because unless things start out on the right foot you'll stumble along until you fall over, lay there bewildered, get covered in leaves and before you know it you have squirrels and possums running across your face.
Whatever you felt, she didn't. | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 1:26:53 PM | Hang in there, bro. You aren't going to win any points if you pursue this issue with her after only one week of dating her. Best thing for you to do is continue to have dates with her for real--her internet profile is NOT real.
I think you gain points if you tell her you have hidden your dating profiles because you have genuine interest in her and don't want to be distracted by pursuing anything else. Then she has the chance to tell you about the status of her profile. If she says nothing--play it cool. Not everyone has the same opinions on this topic. If she is an outstanding lady, continue to date her and have real experiences.
Eventually things will come to a head. I was in a scenario like the OP's once; I knew I was dating a woman who was dating someone else. After a half dozen dates I charmed her into not dating the other dude--our relationship lasted over a year. Sometimes it pays off to keep your cool. | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 1:45:01 PM | Like others have said, slow it down a bit. Maybe once or twice a week is fine but 4 or 5 times is headed for burnoutville either for one or both parties.
Who is initiating these meetings? If it is you, you may be coming off as clingy, which she might not like. As someone else said, she may also have been burnt in the past and wants to keep her options open.
If you continue seeing her and it bothers you, have a grown up talk about it.
Oh, and Jersygirl2008...dayum. If I was 50 I'd move to Jersey and ...  | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 2:05:42 PM | OP, while it's nice that you have met a nice potential SO, I think it's way too soon to expect someone to become exclusive with you.
I would keep doing what you are doing...let her know you are interested in her and you enjoy spending time with her. If things do not diminish within the next month or two, then perhaps you can initiate a conversation about how you BOTH feel about each other...maybe she really likes you, but doesn't want to jump into anything long-term/exclusive in a matter of knowing someone for a few weeks...everyone has different thoughts on this. You haven't even known her for 30 days!
Give it time... | |
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| dating someone who is still looking and you don't feel the need to
Posted: 9/3/2009 2:09:10 PM | I would say talk to her about how you feel but, quite honestly, after a week I think you could be expecting too much and frighten her off.
Incidentally, how do you know she's still visiting the other site? Checking up on someone you've only be dating for a week isn't a good idea, OP.
Hope things work out for you. | |
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