| Seperation
Posted: 7/8/2005 10:56:37 AM | I am separated with my wife after three months of her telling me that we lived in an unhealthy situation. When she first told me that she wanted to move out I felt my whole life was over. I tried to prevent the separation for three months which had its extreme up and downs. I must say that I am not perfect but at the same time I am not a bad husband. I love my wife and probably always will.
This is the kicker once she wanted to move out she started locking things up like her internet and her cell phone. Also she has a new group of friends one of which is a guy buy the name of Josh. I am extremely concerned that my wife and Josh have some sort of relationship that is not appropriate. This concern caused me to dig around and I had found some txt messages that did not seem like friends talking to fiends, it seems like more. When I confronted her with this info she immediately got mad that I went through her stuff and continued to deny that anything was going on.
So:
(1) Should I feel bad for going through her stuff?
(2) Should I believer her that nothing is going on?
(3) Should I confront Josh? | |
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| Seperation
Posted: 7/8/2005 11:54:39 AM | 1) Yes, you should feel bad - not your stuff
2) There is no real proof of a relationship at this time since text messages and such are very open to interpretation - if she says that nothing is going on, I would take her at her word, for now
3) You have no reason to confront Josh. So far, he has done nothing wrong
But beyond answering your questions - YOU ARE SEPARATED - If she wishes to start up a relationship with someone, it is her right. Just because you still love her and don't want to lose her it doesn't mean that she feels the same. If the situation in your marriage is "unhealthy" then a split from eachother may have been a wise decision.
You have to let her go - which means her business is now just that, her business
Sorry, this may have not been what you wanted to hear
BB | |
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| Seperation
Posted: 7/8/2005 12:05:35 PM | | First off, you're probably right. If she's not yet intimate with him, she will be. But sometimes you have to accept that which you cannot change. Confronting Josh won't change it. Believing her won't change it. Going through her stuff won't change it. You just have to figure out what to take from this experience and decide on what terms you want to leave it. Tough as it will be, my advice is to try to behave with dignity; allow her to tell you as much or as little as she wants. Don't confront, or argue. Just let her know you love her, then ask for what you need to help you get past it. Treat her with as much respect as you can and ask her to do the same. For example, she shouldn't be letting guys you don't know help her move stuff out of your place. Sucks, but other men have survived it and you will too. | |
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| Seperation
Posted: 7/8/2005 2:11:07 PM | If she got mad, she's cheating on you. It's just like when someone calls you out of your name. If you're not what they called you, or you're not doing what someone has accused you of, then why get pissed off about it?
Get a divorce and find a better woman. | |
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| Seperation
Posted: 7/8/2005 2:45:06 PM | | No I wouldn't feel bad about going through her stuff. If it were my husband, I would do it. You don't have to believe anything she says if you don't feel in your heart that what she says is truth. She should be upfront with you because if she is sleeping with another man then you have a right to know. Don't bother confronting Josh, hire a private investigator or do it yourself. Follow her. Find out for sure. Don't forget your camera, it is admissable in court if there is a date. She claims you and her are in an unhealthy relationship. well then why isn't she trying to make it work, like suggesting councelling for both of you. I think something is up and she should lay it on the line. in the past my instincts have always proven correct, so don't doubt your instincts. I hope it all works out for you. | |
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skylab
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Joined: 12/11/2004
Msg: 6 | |
| Seperation
Posted: 7/9/2005 3:42:12 PM | Da Fow Diddy
1) No, you should not feel bad about going through "her" things. You were are/were married. There is no "her" stuff (and no "your" stuff).
A marriage is many things, and an integration of belongings, assetts, or whatever, is part of that (with the exception of family heirlooms of either party).
2) You should not believe her that "nothing is going on". Did she text message you with the context and frequency that she has been texting Josh? I suspect the answer is "no". And, even if the answer is "yes", that still sets up flags because she is giving similar attentions (to other men) that she gives to you.
3) No, you should not confront Josh. Josh is a sex-tard. If he wasn't, he wouldn't be screwing around with a married woman, seperated or not. He wouldn't need to--he could get his own girl-friend. Obviously, he has no self respect, since from his perspective, you guys could possibly get together, which would leave him in the lurch, emotionally. A self-respecting guy (even one with no ethics) wouldn't do that unless divorce proceedings were already in progress. Unless of course, he's just a player, in which case he will dump her when he's gotten his fill. Bottom line, you will gain nothing, except maybe an assault charge if you lose it and deck him. And that is never worth it. Josh is either scum, or a loser, or both.
She wanted a sh*t-sandwich, let her eat as much of it as she wants.
Best wishes, Da Fow. I have been there.
-skylab
PS If you haven't filed for divorce, yet...well, file first and file early.
If you haven't got any kids or real estate, go for a dissolution--its faster--and pack up "her stuff", (carefully--you should try to remain the only one in this who is not a sh*thead) and ask her where she wants it delivered. If you can, have a friend deliver it--not you. It will be easier, trust me. | |
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| Seperation
Posted: 7/9/2005 9:06:36 PM | yeah if she got mad about it then there is definitley something going on.
Cut yer losses and look for something better for you. | |
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| Seperation
Posted: 7/9/2005 10:20:17 PM | Answer to all 3 - NO!
What does it matter if something is going on or not? She clearly doesn't respect you or your marriage. She left you! She is the one being secretive. You need to figure out what you want. It is no longer an option for her. You are in charge of your own life and only you can make things better for yourself. If you let her dictate, you are no better than she is.
If you are counting on her to come running back to you, chances are that may not happen. Be prepared! As the old saying goes- pick your battles wisely! Good luck! | |
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Gamol
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Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 9 | |
| Seperation
Posted: 2/4/2006 2:59:15 PM | | You've lost your chance to try and jump in at this point. She's decided to move on... and maybe she has already, or maybe she hasn't yet. Either way, her heart is no longer with you emotionally. | |
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Gamol
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Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| Seperation
Posted: 2/4/2006 3:00:18 PM | | You've lost your chance to try and jump in at this point. She's decided to move on... and maybe she has already, or maybe she hasn't yet. Either way, her heart is no longer with you emotionally. | |
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| Seperation
Posted: 2/4/2006 3:51:20 PM | I think you should confront your wife about locking you out of things like the net,cell phone, etc. If you think something is going on,Just hearing what you said I do, It probably is. These are behaviors she recently aquired coupled with a new group of friends is shutting you out now. Tell her to leave if she wants. She is seperated with you now. You probabally just don't want to admit it, it's hard to loose someone like that. Confront Josh? No, he is not the one you are connected to. He is following his own agenda and the risk of a really serious conflict between the two of you. I know you want to confront him but your angry and he might push you into losing your temper and doing something you will regret later. If you have any hope of staying with your wife confronting this guy would end the marrage and unless you can intimidate him you could get hurt. Believe me if you are not calm and collected when a conflict starts and can think of where he is weak you might get an ass kicking. Think out the possible outcomes before confronting this guy!
NOKIN11 | |
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| Seperation
Posted: 2/4/2006 5:57:59 PM | | Man I am in the same situation as you took her cell phone and she blatently lied that she was not doing the things I was catching her doing also the seperation is about three maybe four months now. The divorce process is started. She was guilty in all counts. The bad thing is I was rehabing from a broken leg while she was cheating. Dude if she is lying and getting mad and locking up her stuff she has plenty to hide. If you dig you will find so much stuff you may not even want to know about. Don't confront the guy if she is with him nothing will matter you just have to walk right through the fire and make it to the other side the relationship is lost. Even if you take her back and she is willing your trust is gone. Find someone who is into you and not other people and start a life that is trustworthy. That is my answer it is painfull and heartwrenching but it is the only answer. | |
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| Seperation
Posted: 2/4/2006 6:18:43 PM | Let her go. She obviously has no love or respect for you, or she would have nothing to hide from you. Sure, you could dig around in her business until you find all the dirty deeds that she has done /is doing. But it would only hurt you worse in the long run. Believe me, its not worth it, only makes it so much worse on you.
Make up your mind that YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! B ecause you do! everyone does. You deserve someone who has enough respect for you and herself to work on the relationship if it is suffering, or move on. Someone with enough self respect to close one door beore opening another. She'll get what she deserves, i'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around.
There are plenty of good women out there. Find yourself FIRST, then put yourself back out there so that a good woman can snatch you up.
Good luck!!
Becky jo  | |
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golou
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Joined: 8/7/2005
Msg: 14 | |
| Seperation
Posted: 2/4/2006 6:51:22 PM | I have been through the whole seperation leading to divorce thing and it's not easy.
For three months I knocked myself out to change things around.
The bottomline in these situations is that you will find that each of you will become
people that the other never thought possible. Indifference sets in on the person wishing to leave and this makes the other respond by holding tighter...wrong response.
You need to allow the person to leave knowing that you love them and you wish things could be different. This will be very hard !! The temptation to do every stupid thing in the book
will be ever present....resist this with all of your will.
Drive by's, phone messages, emails, cards, flowers,desperate pleas can't happen !!
The person leaving needs to work through if this new found freedom is what they truly
want....this has to happen without your influence.
There really is no other way....not for what I would term "normal emotional people".
It really is one of the hardest things to do but it is the right way.
At the very least you can hold your head high for allowing the person that you loved to
move on knowing that you had choices and you chose your dignity.
They will always be forced to remember that..... no matter what negative thoughts they choose to hang on to about you. Most of all....do it for you !! | |
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| Seperation
Posted: 2/4/2006 8:45:29 PM | | First you were married. You don't own your wife or her things. You shared stuff. She has the right to her own life. Yea going through seperation sucks. Chances are you will experiance emotions you do not want. You have to deal with them, all even the bad or else you won't move on to a new happy relationship, even if the new one is with your wife. Hate to tell you Josh is not the problem. The problem was between your ex and you. Josh was not it. Even if you think she was seeing him. The problem was still your reltionship. Leave Josh alone. If you want to get back with your wife than talk to her. Work on the relationship. If it is dead you have to let it die and start to work on you. I would suggest counsling would help or find some other guy that has gone thru this and talk to him. Seperation Sucks but you can make it through. I know people telling you that won't make it better but someday you will see the sun again. | |
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| Seperation
Posted: 2/4/2006 8:53:21 PM | How long have you been separated, and how did you come about having access to her cellphone to review the text messages?
It's a tough situation. It takes a long time to deal with all the emotions involved - just know that it will get better, it just takes time. | |
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