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| Wanted : A "Chemistry" drug !
Posted: 9/3/2009 6:22:39 PM | Like many folks here , I've been on a few meetings/dates as a result of good internet connections .
With some , it was easy from the initial hello - flat out no spark - no physical pull whatsoever . Though they were still interesting enough to have a good time with .
Then there's those others ... not bad lookin' - maybe even great lookin' , good personality , live close by , some key things in common , BUT just either one way physical attraction , or none at all . BIG sigh !
When things are ALMOST just right , I sometimes find myself wishing that I could just take a pill or something , and feel the kind of attraction that would complete the equation , and get on the road to building a relationship ! But dammit - chemistry is not something that can be forced . Either it's there , or it ain't !
Anyone else feel like this , or came so close - but it was simply a no go ? Just couldn't get past the non-spark ?  | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/3/2009 6:30:50 PM | I used to go on lots of first dates from this site. Met lots of smart, funny, attractive women. And just didn't feel it.
I think it's an age thing. I used to fall in love with the cutie standing in front of me in the movie line. That infatuation hormone seems to be absent. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/3/2009 7:10:36 PM | I understand completely. That's why I hate endless emails, if there is no spark, I'd rather find out right away. Perhaps it is because this internet dating thing is backwards, we learn a little bit about someone, and then meet them. IRL you meet someone, and then get to know a little bit about them. So the chemistry filter is the first thing, not the last.
BTW, Have you had your hormone levels checked lately? | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/3/2009 7:24:37 PM | Wanted : A "Chemistry" drug !
It's called X-tacy. If you take it, you will be in love with everyone in the room.
(Warning: It is a dangerous and illegal drug - Do not take it.)
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/3/2009 7:34:35 PM | Perhaps it is because this internet dating thing is backwards, we learn a little bit about someone, and then meet them
How many times have you met some guy, there was mutual chemistry, he asked you out, you accepted, and then sometime during the date you realized that it was a "miss" with regards to several essential points on your mental checklist? If a person is the kind of person who would rather know something about a "checklist match" up front, then Internet dating is rather efficient in terms of time and money expended.
Different strokes.
What did we do without "chemistry" all those years ago---before we began thinking this was special or desirable?
That was called "arranged marriages."
I'm pretty sure "chemistry" has been around for a long, long time. Ever read the Song of Solomon?
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:07:49 PM |
No I've not read Song of Solomon because it pre-dates me a few thousand years or so? Talk about over-shooting the mark there feller.....................
My point is that "chemisty" feelings are nothing new in human experience. Perhaps modern society puts more emphasis on it. Partly due to the fact that most of the marriages that occurred prior to the modern age were arranged. Of course, there are countries such as India that still have a wide-spread practice of arranged marriage.
Too bad we seem to have lost sight it's NOT necessarily always instant.
In my own experience, I have met women where chemistry increased over time as I got to know them better, but there was always some immediate chemistry initially. Never has chemistry developed where there was none initially. Your mileage may differ. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:39:37 PM | I'm with Red Buttons on this Chemistry idea.
I do not believe there is such a thing.
Many years ago before I was married I dated a LOT of women. All types. As for immediate - instant feelings: I may have felt lust, desire, all sorts of things from hormones etc but never this magical "chemistry". Not even with the woman I married and after 20 years separated and in the midst of divorce.
I believe two can have chemistry but it takes a long time to develop, nurture and grow.
Instant chemistry is bu***hit in my humble opinion.
Those that judge by it are superficial and fooling themselves. Just my opinion though as I might just be abnormal and suffering from a delusion also known as reality /logic/ control of my emotions etc. You know, things that have no place in a quickie relationship. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/3/2009 9:16:19 PM | | It might work better to expect to get horny later and not right off. Maybe your body is way ahead of your delusional romantic ideal on this one, and wants nothing to do with your desire to initiate a sexual relationship with a total stranger based on a first impression. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/4/2009 7:59:38 AM |
I'd guess the best medicine would be a huge dose of reality!!!
How many relationships have you REALLY had that began with a BANG and actually lasted any length of time? You're wanting some fairy tale experience without doing any of the hard work.
Keep on looking only for this "chemistry" BS and you'll be looking forever. Trust me on this----this site is littered with those who can and often do repeat this same little lament. Keep reading these forums and you'll see how this plays out in a new thread at least once each day. If this "chemistry" thing was viable in any way it would be more celebrated and offered up as something worth seeking.
What did we do without "chemistry" all those years ago---before we began thinking this was special or desirable?
Look, most women do not expect to fall in love/lust at first site, but they do want to feel the deisre to kiss him. That is based on chemistry, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel some 'pull' towards a mate. I can have all the lovely conversations with a man, see he is a good man, and want to feel the pull, but if it doesnt happen, then it doesnt happen. I am sure you also know plenty of lovely ladies, who you would never think of kissing, because you just do not have the desire to. Doesnt mean they are not great ladies, just you dont feel 'that pull'. The post I quoted is almost saying women should give every bloke who looks thier way a shot-why? Do men give every woman who looks thier way this same shot? I do not think so.
I have only had two long term relationships, and yes, chemistry was part of the equation. Also part of the equation was that they are genuinely nice men! We evolved into different people than we started off as, and found we had very different long term goals after a couple of years, but I would not trade those relationships for the world. My next one will also have the chemistry component, as well as the respect for one another I so enjoyed.
Yes, some PEOPLE will date people who they have nothing in common with, all based on chemistry-I believe as we age we become more picky, and want both the chemistry AND the other good things...however, chemistry is only 1 of the things I need in order to move forward. If I feel a pull towards a man who's attitude stinks in other areas, I walk away.
I have also wished for a love pill, because in all honesty, have met some awesome men here. Good looking, nice, work hard, enjoy thier time with family, but I had no desire to touch him, or have him touch me. I could never fake it, and I would think they would be a tad insulted if they found out I was not 'feeling' it with them and proceeded anyways. ..Least I wouldnt want that for myself. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/4/2009 12:03:51 PM | | i don't want this to sound like im being a smart ass. but, as men get older, their testosterone levels decrease. now, and im being serious. ive been into bodybuilding for years, go to any supplement store, ask for a testosterone increaser and estrogen blocker. as men get older, and when their test levels go down, estrogen increases. which isn't good. NOw, This Isnt a steroid. not at all. so don't get all panicky about it. its not at all. it works with your own body. also try the growth hormone increaser. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/4/2009 12:11:39 PM | ive found that all the women ive met and really liked and wanted didnt want me and all the women i didnt like or want have worshiped the ground ive walked on.
ive loved several times but ive never been loved. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/4/2009 12:20:45 PM | Well ...
I used to require a huge chemistry explosion. This always occurred with men who would turn out to be "dangerous" for me. I'm sure I was the same for them.
Older and wiser, I decided that I had a "faulty picker" and I spent quite a bit of time forcing myself to continue dating great fellows with whom I felt NO chemistry at all. I was under the impression that if I felt that certain feeling, something unhealthy was sure to follow.
WRONG.
I learned that I am not capable of getting physical in any way ... not even real kissing ... if that special chemical ingredient is missing. Also, I learned that it's really possible for me to feel that without the "danger" aspect being present. Ah, the smarts that come with surviving ones youth. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/4/2009 12:52:46 PM | I wanted to respond to several comments here - thanks , by the way .
First , I've been pretty consistant throughout my life , regardless of age , in that there's always been that invisible "pull" present , before I got involved with someone , on whatever level .
And my hormone levels are robust and right where they should be !
To address Redbuttons : I don't believe chemistry ( or whatever you wish to call it , is BS - at least for me . And yes - in fact most of my long term connections did begin with a "bang" - though not always overt . And I'm very much aware of the fact that it takes work to make it long term , and far more than mutual lust to get things off the ground.
I also wish to make clear , that the chemistry I refer to , is not synonymous with sexual desire - though it might include that . With me , it's almost like there's magnets implanted - a palpable , yet unconscious pull towards the other person . A definite draw to be physically within their sphere in some way - touching or not - but close . Wanting to really look in their eyes , absorb every word they say , maybe brush "acidentally" when walking by , or sitting opposite one another at a table . Trying to wriggle free of the seatbelts while in a car , that keep the bodies separated. Almost tripping when walking side by side , because one or both keep gravitating towards the empty space between ... A hand placed lightly on a shoulder or back while waiting on a movie line . Seeking closeness - right from the start .
Certainly not a feeling that comes along all the time - but a most delicious one when it does . And most glorious when it's mutual !
The opposite of that is what I described in my post - someone who is quite acceptable on several levels - no red flags , nothing they've done "wrong" , but there is no desire whatsoever to touch them - maybe even an unexpected repulsion - for no obvious reason . Ya just know it's not going any further - no real desire to hug or kiss goodbye - just bye !
And though I occasionally do wish I could mandate this damn chemistry thing - if it doesn't occur naturally - then , so be it !
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/5/2009 11:10:16 AM | it is funny English language, words mean lot and nothing.
whats dating, relationship, where starts ends?
whats boyfriend-girlfriend?
FWB, friendship or something else?
chemistry? is it hormones or having something in common, or something like compatibility?
If for someone the chemistry is the hormone rush, than definitely you cant feel it because, either you receive too many messages, or see too many people in short time, or very few, or you are fed up reading the old same old “outgoing, love dogs, wants to laugh”. So we all do it with not too much emotions and involvement. So no mystery, desire…You see the catch? We want someone special, and to last, but already setting next meeting or clicking the next profile.
Scientist say we look also for genetic compatibility (we see somehow in shapes, walk…), we look for smell, voice…and plus the communication that holds the relationship together. You can not see those over sucha limited media like Internet.
People should treat this as a way to just meet people we like, people we can have a good talk with and nothing else, not thinking about chemistry and prospective partner, or the number of dates before you kiss her. Better be curious, think who is the person, does she have a sister or friend you might like. You never know in life. People should drop the expectation that can find easily the perfect match just by searching keywords and profiles. Then, only then, the chemistry might surprise you and spin your brain. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 9/5/2009 11:18:11 AM |
I understand completely. That's why I hate endless emails, if there is no spark, I'd rather find out right away. Perhaps it is because this internet dating thing is backwards, we learn a little bit about someone, and then meet them. IRL you meet someone, and then get to know a little bit about them. So the chemistry filter is the first thing, not the last.
I'd have to concur, I hate getting drawn into exchanging emails back and forth for an extended period of time only to find out we're not compatible. I'd rather find this out sooner than later if it's the case, so we don't waste each other's time. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:30:18 PM | | What makes chemistry happen? It's definitely better to find out sooner than later. But chemistry can fade too, even if it's there at first. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:03:27 PM | For me romantic chemistry has to be founded in attraction.
That said, the reason it seems like we're attracted to no one is that online dating is backwards.
We used to determine attraction first (see someone we like) then find out we have little to nothing in common with that person. Now we find many we have things in common with and from there realize there are a select few if any that we're also attracted to. The numbers haven't changed, and neither have we - it's just that we're approaching things from a different angle.
I'd say 20% of those we find attractive find us attractive. Out of that 20% very few are single, available, share common interests and/or lifestyles and have the right traits such as: right age, local to us, etc. Out of those few once we do date them we have to figure out how to make it work with a whole new set of problems.
All we're learning now is how few we actually will click with on all levels. Finally, as we age, we no longer stop at attraction, we know it takes more than that to make a difference, because we learned in our younger years it can't be the only good thing a person has. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:28:32 PM | I was starting to give up on chemistry as well, but I can assure you it's not an age thing, it still happens. I met someone who knocked my socks off recently, second date he turned out to have fatal character flaw that I didn't see coming. He was charming, intelligent, loaded, hard working, sexy and had impeccable manners, up until date number 2 (otherwise there wouldn't have been date number 1).
So my hope is rekindled that chemistry will happen again  and one day, without the fatal flaw !
edit.....
I've tried to nuture physical chemistry with someone that I have intellectual, emotional and spiritual chemistry with...no, no, no, big mistake, you cannot make physical chemistry happen over time, it's either there..or never will be. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:19:43 PM | OP,
Like many folks here , I've been on a few meetings/dates as a result of good internet connections .
Yeah, I hear Comcast's Power Boost helps out. ;)
With some , it was easy from the initial hello - flat out no spark - no physical pull whatsoever . Though they were still interesting enough to have a good time with .
Side note: Just don't lead them on that you're interested (body language, tone, words, etc) when that happens. Leave them with an impression of "She was cool, but I don't think she really dug me that much", and NOT "Oh we clicked -- she really likes me!"
Then there's those others ... not bad lookin' - maybe even great lookin' , good personality , live close by , some key things in common , BUT just either one way physical attraction , or none at all . BIG sigh !
That CAN happen, yes... but if they're great looking, great personality, love close, have common interests, and you still don't have chemistry, and it happens more than once in a long time -- it's you, not them -- and your problem is LOOKING FOR CHEMISTRY!!
Now, exceptions can be Mr Nice Guys -- but then again, in those situations, his personality isn't going to come off as great overall (just having good qualities within). If a guy's too easy of a catch, yes, a girl won't like it. It kills any chemistry, because he's "in the bag" from the hello.
Anyway, your problem, if this happens frequently with guys who are great looking w/ good personality, is that you're chasing BUTTERFLIES, not guys. HUGE problem.
The more you think about wanting chemistry, the less chance there's going to be any. You can't will your way to chemistry. Chemistry = I really dig them, and we mesh really well. That's all.
Take a more casual approach to everything. Don't think about chemistry or no chemistry. Just go out and have fun and don't overthink stuff. You may be LOOKING for bad things too much, and those rose-colored glasses are blocking any chemical pathways. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:07:59 PM | | Unfortunately a BIG YES! I have felt that way. Let me know when you invent that pill I will be one of your first customers.(lol) I have passed on two very wonderful men just because the chemistry was not there. | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:32:33 PM | That drug will do more harm than good because u would have people (mainly angry, bitter people and all around losers) overdosing trying to get something they never had: CHARISMA!! FDA would have to pull it off the shelves immediately!! Like I always say..Either it's there aka "Chemistry" or it isn't!! No drug or prayer can help that!!
Nice Theory though..... | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:31:05 PM | My mother thought my father was a bore when they met. She said he was nice enough, but there was no "fireworks" as she put it. But, she went out with him anyway.
20 years later my father died. 13 years after his death I asked my mother why she never remarried. She said because she couldn't imagine loving another man as much as she loved my father. He ended up being everything she wanted, plus a few things she didn't know she needed, in a man.
I'll let the rest of you insist on chemistry. I'd rather have the maturity to know what true love is and the patience to allow it to grow.
Lateef | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:48:15 AM | | Im glad you brought this up! I thought it was my age 52, one man told me to go see my doctor for a harmone ck , because I didnt want to kiss him on the first date in public!( Im not twenty where all it took was eye contact) Come to think of it when I was twenty There was a chemistry drug! U tell me , are younger ,older or does age have anything to do with it | |
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| Wanted : A Chemistry drug !
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:54:59 AM |
That CAN happen, yes... but if they're great looking, great personality, love close, have common interests, and you still don't have chemistry, and it happens more than once in a long time -- it's you, not them -- and your problem is LOOKING FOR CHEMISTRY!!
It's neither person. A guy can be good looking, but not your type. You can think a guy is handsome generally but not be attracted to him. If that's the case there's nothing to do but shrug and move on. Chemistry is usually based in attraction, so without that it ain't gonna happen.
Chemistry can take a long time to grow - it's not supposed to happen overnight, but has to start somewhere. It won't grow if it doesn't start. | |
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