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Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I searched and searched this question hasn’t been ask before if it has tell me were so I can read it please and I am sure this is the best place to post it. Also I think it kind explains why girls fall for jerks & players who are more aggressive in getting a girl in bed.

So out of about 50-100 or so girls I dated in my life only the 5 I had sex with after the 2nd-4th date turned into committed relationships, the rest all had some excuse not to see me anymore.

Even when I dated a few who I had allot in common with and had great chemistry with, liked each other so much and did everything but sex including sleeping together naked and fouling around. But I held out on having sex for several dates and we agreed to be committed, tell everyone else we were in a relationship and about to make plans to go away somewhere romantic and have sex. When they change their mind a few days before the deed, because she got cold feet, needed figuring out if she really wanted to be in a relationship or not and if I was the right guy for her, then making up any excuse not to see me anymore.

When a girl is dating a guy and it starts to get serious will she evaluate and over think everything that could happen with him to see if he is her perfect match and should she go the whole 9 yards and commit to only him, then save him the heart break and end it before it gets to serious, if she has any doubt at all?

90% of the time the girl I am dating will find some small thing I did wrong during the dating process, or worse her friends say something bad about me, because I wasn’t amazing enough to impress them. I could dress badly or to good, I could of said something that put her off, I could be to quite or to talkative, there are 1000s of things that she might think that makes me not good enough to be her boyfriend.

But when I have Sex with her any flaws I have will not matter and I am no longer on probation, then I can easily form a committed relationship and almost anything I do is forgivable. It’s like a certain switch goes off in a woman’s brain after sex with a guy, her brain chemistry is changed to have strong feelings for the guy she just slept with.

I have never had a committed relationship before sex, even if the girl asked me for a commitment and to be a couple before sex she changes her mind shortly after.

So if I want a committed relationship with a girl I really like do I have to seduce her in to bed to get a relationship?

If I don’t go all the way will she think twice and stop seeing me because she will think she will have to go through with it the next time she sees me and will evaluate the relationship?

Please tell me your experiences with how attach a girl was to a guy after sex compared to before.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 2
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 11:02:06 AM
first:
{"will she evaluate and over think everything that could happen with him to see if he is her perfect match "}
YES and NO. Yes they will OVER analyze! Like reading a book, they start analyzing at the beginning and never get to the end of the book because they are still concentrating on the beginning.


{"when I have Sex with her any flaws I have will not matter "}
Because ALOT of women think that sex means your "in love" with them.


{"I have never had a committed relationship before sex"}
Realistically, most people dont.



If you want a different outcome.... FIX your lady picker!! Meaning you.
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 11:14:28 AM
Oh how I wish I had the ability to pick any woman I thought was a good catch who is ready for a relationship, single without hang ups or worries that I am not a good enough guy for her and not get rejected by such a woman. I really don't think I have the energy to date 100s of other women to find 1 like that. that wants me for me, pickings are slim and I need to figure out a better way.

So to answer my other question if I find a girl who is almost perfect because no one is should I keep the dating casual so she doesn't think it is getting serious and go through all her doubts in her head that will kill any chance of a real relationship until I can seduce her into bed, go all the way so she will want me as much as I want her?
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 4
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 11:25:45 AM
Dude... Your 28, you will probly date 100's of ... woh did you say "girls" now I see the problem!! Try dating women!

{"I really don't think I have the energy to date 100s of other girls to find 1 like that"}

If you dont have the stamina and SELFESTEEM to put up with what it takes to find the "right" one then just go away and plan on being miserable for a long time!! Relationships are hard work! and that INCLUDES finding the right mate.

Every woman has hang-ups of one kind or another, get used to it.

No you should never "settle" then, your just miserable.

You REALLY need to work on YOU!!
 farceur
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 5
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 11:49:27 AM
The switch is there as a decision: Did she just make a mistake and get used, or is this "The One"? If she happens to have that switch, as a part of how she thinks of sex belonging in a relationship, then she is invested in finding you suitable for the relationship, that being the alternative to having just made the mistake of empty sex. The impulse to bond is fleeting unless there is a psychological predisposition to invoke a relationship. It's as much about what she fears as what she may hope, if such are her fears and hopes. You know what's really cool? When you can talk to the woman about this kind of thing and include your respective views in the experience of being together.
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 11:54:57 AM
That’s what I usually do take things slowly actually tell the girl to slow down when we are making out and I am not that sexual I prefer to wait months if I could, I am very old fashioned like that but women today who have more options don't follow through when I am a gentleman and wait until I think we are both ready to take the next step to being a couple.

So can anyone prove or disprove my statement with their experiences?

Anecdotes are amusing tell some for your dating stores where you wait a long time or didn't wait hardly at all and what was the results?
 CaramelSweetness2
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 7
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 12:06:06 PM
I can't believe no one has said it yet but...
when a woman has sex she tends to bond with a man. It's more of a chemical process.
A great deal of oxytocin is released and it makes her want to be around you. It is especially strong if she has found a number of other great qualities in you.

Maybe some women will disagree with me and say they DON'T bond after sex but its actually just human nature. It's the way we are made. With men it is no such bonding chemicals (I believe a small amount) but it doesn't cause them to want to spend more time with her unless they have a lot of other connections with her (emotional + mental).

oh and besides that: Dude, you must be GREAT in bed! consider it a plus that you can't get rid of them after you sleep with them. Just "do what you do" and get yourself the woman of your dreams! More power to you. Good luck!
 DemonDingleBerry
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 8
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 12:17:19 PM

So if I want a committed relationship with a girl I really like do I have to seduce her in to bed to get a relationship?

Maybe you should rethink your whole premise.
You are here.
You are single.
So even the ones that you "seduced" and slept with by the 2nd-4th date that turned into "committed" relationships failed. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. Single.


So out of about 50-100 or so girls I dated in my life only the 5 I had sex with after the 2nd-4th date turned into committed relationships, the rest all had some excuse not to see me anymore.

A lot of people work by relationship road maps without really paying attention to the other person.
They go by "signs."
Such as "Oh, they called me the next day, they must like me!" and then "Oh, they didn't try to sleep with me on the first date, they waited until the 4th date, and we slept together, it must mean we're taking the next step!" and then "Oh, I met their parents, it must mean we're getting serious!" and then "Oh, they gave me a drawer, it is getting serious!" and so on.

So maybe you and these women simply had similar relationship road maps that you followed, they converged for a bit, then ran apart.

IMO that is what it means when you ask questions like

If I don’t go all the way will she think twice and stop seeing me because she will think she will have to go through with it the next time she sees me and will evaluate the relationship?

Because you are implying all women think the same, or are more concerned with yourself, and how you are seen. So you are looking for signs rather than simply waiting until you are around someone romantically and actually communicating on the subject and figuring out how they think, and how they perceive you. Looking for signs rather than paying attention to the person.


Please tell me your experiences with how attach a girl was to a guy after sex compared to before.

Depends on the girl.
Some were more attached.
Some were less attached.
Some were equally attached.
Some only seemed one of the above (or a weird combination) but it was me that was doing the observing of the attachment and I was biased by my own perspective and what I wanted to see, what I hoped to see, or what I feared to see, depending on what I really wanted.
 CaramelSweetness2
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 9
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 12:18:44 PM
I wanted to add to: You are one of the good guys.
Most guys aren't even looking to get into a committed relationship with a woman at your age. A lot of women have experienced being dumped right after "the deed is done" so they are hesitant to do it too soon (read the hundreds of posts about that on here). That is probably why you keep running into women who want to wait vs. those who throw caution to the wind and just do it.
 Vanders Mark
Joined: 5/14/2009
Msg: 10
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 12:34:04 PM

I am very old fashioned like that but women today who have more options don't follow through when I am a gentleman and wait until I think we are both ready to take the next step to being a couple.


I'm convinced not many women will wait around forever for you to get physical...maybe that's the problem. Sure, maybe you wanna make sure the gal isn't a complete psycho before you sleep with her....but waiting just to wait? If there's chemistry, women will usually want to sleep with you BEFORE the first date....

I dunno...maybe you are behaving in a way that turn a few of them off...our culture tends to trick men into acting like idiots on those first dates....
 A-Womans-Best-Friend
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 11
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Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 12:52:40 PM
A lot of women have experienced being dumped right after "the deed is done" so they are hesitant to do it too soon

Well that means the odds are against me, that even though I'm a exception I am still judged with all the other guys who just want sex. So when I date a women she will be very cautious when dating me, testing me out, seeing if there is anything wrong and if I show the slightest sign (red flag). That maybe I'm a player because a friend happened to call me during the date (now I turn off my phone) or I'm a jerk because I wasn't very friendly to one of her guy friends I didn't know (says I gave him a dirty look, though I'm not a jealous guy) thoughts are reason I got for not seeing me again.

Thus the longer I see them with how picky girls are today and easily dismissive they are for the smallest thing during the dating process until of course we all ways have great sex, never had a complaint a hour or more at a time. Which is a catch 22 because the girl wants to wait to have sex and the longer we wait the greater the chances are that we break-up.

I never seduce girls to go to bed I have more integrity than that and fairly attractive and honest enough the girl I date is all over me in a few dates, I think I am a hopeless romantic and usually do romantic escalades during dates. I just want to know should I really do my best to have sex earlier if I want it to work out?
 CaramelSweetness2
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 12
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 1:33:31 PM
^^^^ I would say YES. That seems to work for you. Seems like you are picking some extremely "picky" and sensitive girls. Maybe that's the problem too. Maybe you should try dating WOMEN instead (older ladies that are more mature that are not going to get all paranoid" because your cells phone goes off at dinner ..... geeeesh!!!

I wish I could find a guy like you that actually WANTS a RELATIONSHIP and NOT just SEX!!!! I am just the opposite of the "girls" you date. I put up with a lot from guys because I know how difficult it to actually find someone. When I do find a guy I really like - I probably put up with a ton of stuff I shouldn't. I think you should just play it by ear. I really think the problem is that you are dealing with young women that are just very immature (mentally). You should seek out a more mature type - not necessarily based on age alone but someone that you can discern has their act together and displays signs of mature thinking. Your luck should improve then.
 soflnighteagle
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 13
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Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 6:42:05 PM
I know just how you feel, at work the other day one of the guys said he uses his sales techniques to pick up women, and I started wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing. If we have to seduce a woman or convince a woman to be with us, do we really want her? Wouldn't it be nicer to build a relationship slowly over time and wait for sex until there is a strong emotional bond? I agree that waiting a few months and really getting to know each other is the best way to go, but it does seem that if you wait to long they start looking for someone else. Yet they are the ones complaining that the only thing men want is sex, go figure. I've come to the conclusion that no matter what you do women won't be happy, it is like my son said; "How do you know if you're doing something wrong? If she sees you, you're doing something wrong." It's funny but it also seems to be true, no matter what you do it won't be the right thing. Try to get sex right away and you're a dog, don't try right away and you're a prude.
 honeyangel1985
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 14
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 7:50:54 PM
OP, for me I don't have sex or make love unless in a serious committed relationship and in love, so for me the relationship has to come first.
 Ice-ey9
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 15
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 8:14:29 PM
IMO women are much more emotionally invested in a relationship when they have sex with you. They will give it up in the hopes that somewhere along the way they can sow some kind of commitment from the man. In my experience it certainly tends to be a whole lot less work when you are already sleeping with them; long courtships can however benefit both parties in some cases where sex is not involved. However nothing ventured, nothing gained - what is important are the reasons why you want or don't want to have sex. Some women tend to think they are smart by testing you to see if all your in it for is tail. I don't think it is a very effective strategy though. Tending to generalize here but most men would not consider securing a commitment with a woman they have never been intimate with.
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 16
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 8:43:05 PM

So to answer my other question if I find a girl who is almost perfect because no one is should I keep the dating casual so she doesn't think it is getting serious and go through all her doubts in her head that will kill any chance of a real relationship until I can seduce her into bed, go all the way so she will want me as much as I want her?


Since you want to wait, have you tried meeting women at church? There are still girls that want to wait for marriage. Don't expect to find many in a bar.
 winteragain
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 17
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 8:44:21 PM
you could try dating chicks that have traditional values instead of corner market bimbos that give it up easily for some lovely LTR's because believe it or not, there are actually girls that remain virgins until they get married. sounds like you should go for that, but if ya don't then good luck having to look around for a realllllyyy long time
 Blakkardaberry
Joined: 2/7/2009
Msg: 18
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Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/4/2009 8:44:39 PM
I have to say, I myself have experienced the same kind of thing and to me it seems the prevailing attitude in my area. It seems there are more than a few predatory women in the world that try to p whoop you into a relationship .

There is only one problem with that kind of scenario and that is that it can backfire. I generally feel like I have to wait to know someone before having sex because if I don't it can get ugly real fast. I have not had sex with as many women as you have not by a long shot. I tend to be very selective who I date because of this issue. The relationship I have had average 3 to 5 years and seem to be getting longer term so maybe I am getting better at picking.

My advice is to be selective and take it slow and maybe you will get lucky this time. I also agree with Ice-ey9 I don't think I could commit to a relationship long or short term with someone that I had not been intimate with.
 miss_contemplative
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 19
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Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/5/2009 8:13:29 AM
I don't know about this. While I think some women are more susceptible to crumbling to the rise in oxytocin levels, not all women are so easily convinced. I've had some occasions where I had the opportunity to have sex and couldn't wait to get him to leave or find an easy method of leaving myself.

Maybe you're just attracted to emotionally unavailable women? How do you know this problem is about women and not you?

Have you examined your own behaviour aside from making the decisions around when sex is going to happen?

I think sex, for some, can promote a bond of some sort. They believe what their body tells them and forget to consult their minds. Later, when their bodies let up just a bit, they finally have their mind saying "warning! warning! not a good match for you" and then they make a decision which leaves the other person wondering WTF just happened.

This is why it's good, I think, to hold off on the sex. Not because sex isn't good, but because it gives a false bond in some cases. That leads to hurt feelings if later on in the game, one decides to actually think about how they view the other person and whether they really DO feel compelled to love them at all.
 kayliecat
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 20
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Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/5/2009 10:22:13 AM
i appreciate your attempt to analyze your relationships and better yourself. But I think you are going at this from teh wrong direction.

You date 20 girls.... you wait til month 3 to have sex... Well, what percent of those girls do you really think are long term committed compatible anyway????

The percent will be higher or lower based on how well you and them choose each other. If you have a bad picker, the % that are a good fit will natrually be low.

It doesn't matter about the sex...it's the timing that makes the difference.

It's just like when women have sex on the first date and he never calls back...it's not because of the sex, it's because he didn't like her enough for a second date. Sex or not, there never was going to be a second date.

Same with you. Sex or not, attrition is normal and completely necessary. We aren't meant to be with everyone.

For example, I would not be happy with someone who could wait 3 months before having sex. I like sex. I"m also 36 but I have been out w/a 28 year old before (while 35/36) and he was not the type to wait months. So that migth have been a deal break er for me. I'm not saying you should have sex earlier - that's fine that you wait...it's just a personality difference though.

I have had very few relationships last beyond 6 months in all my dating years from teenage to present. I'd say...3? Most of mine naturally die off before 6 months is hit, and many don't make it to 3 months. Many don't make it to 3 dates!!! But that's life, that's part of dating...

I think if you want more longer term committed relationships, what you need to focus on is your picker. The successful relationships -w hat did the girls have in common? what did you like about them? What did they like about you? And the girls who broke up, you said they were picky...ok, but that's a defensive excuse. Cut out the defensiveness and look for some commonalities in their problesm with you. Did they all say you smelled? Were insecure and weanie? Always ran late? Overspent money? Wore too much colonge? I have no clue... but examine your "successes" and "failures".

And use that info to improve on the women you go for. Was it the church girls that led to good relationships? thens top bothering with bars. Etc...whatever worked, do that. And don't do what didn't work.

As far as your ideals re: sex, don't change who you are inside. HOld tight to what's most important about you. But on the other hand, if a lot of your girlfriends had similar problems with yoru behavior, think about if there is merit in what they were saying. LEARN from your mistakes and better yourself. That's part of life as well. A nd that's part of why we date...we learn how to be a good partner from our past relationships, so that when we meet someone we want to spend our life with, we are a good partner to that person.

Good luck!

Kaylie
 Leeanne
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 21
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Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/5/2009 10:28:04 AM
I can't see why some people simply cannot allow life to happen instead of setting agendas. As well sex does not have to be part of the senario while building relationships until you are certain that there can be a future past one or 2 dates!
 A-Womans-Best-Friend
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 22
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Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/6/2009 5:37:25 AM
All your advice is great but not proving anything, I need Anecdotal Evidence of a curtain number of women a guy has dated and slept with that yield more interest from a girl to the ones that showed less interest.

Also any ladies answer in all honesty please figure out a couple of guys you slept with that you want more after sex compared to the number that you didn't want after, no matter if the guy didn't want you did you want him more after sex?

This is a fairly simple question to ask;
"Do Most Women want and interested the Majority of guys they have Sex with More than they did before the deed?"

I can't make it any clearer than that. I should get answers YES or NO and why because I was with # of women and they did this after or I was with # of guys and I did this after.
 Randominternetguy
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 23
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Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 9/6/2009 1:26:55 PM
Just to follow up on CaramelSweetness2 post;

Oxytocin (the bonding chemical) is released in both males a females during sex. In addition, it is also released in women when their breasts are stimulated.

Estrogen amplifies it's effect, testosterone represses it. Not that any particular person has to respond one way or another, but women are more prone, and men less prone, to bond after sex.

Vasopressin is linked to commitment among males. There is a gene who's presence or absense is correlated to commitment minded males. Again, it's not destiny or fate, but does make a male more or less likely to commit.

That's the data part. As always, it's the conclusions that are in disagreement.

Bob

P.S. The breast stimulation effect is believed to help women bond with their newborns when they are breastfeeding.
 Shoedaddy
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 24
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Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 2/15/2010 1:00:09 AM
Op, your own deduction has suggested to you that it is more efficacious towards continuing a relationship to have sex with a woman early. In addition, most everyone else has corroborated that idea that women get more 'emotionally attached' to a man after sex. - So then why do you remain so recalcitrant to stick to strategy while dating? You, and most other guys i've seen on the site, seem committed towards doing what you've always done, even after admitting that you are disappointed with your results.


If it makes more sense to have sex with a woman early to continue a relationship- then do it! Damn. What exactly is the problem? 'Oh, I don't wanna seduce women into having sex with me, I want it to happen "naturally", when she feels like it', lol.. you gotta be kidding me. For the average guy, the women that you prefer want will never naturally feel like having sex with you. That time will never, ever occur to her. The average guy has a choice: 1) Settle- for the woman who has grown tired of the desirable men toying with her/ or for the incredibly undesirable woman who herself has few options. Or 2) Learn to adjust.
 Technical Buddha
Joined: 3/11/2005
Msg: 25
Why Girls want a Relationship much more attach After Sex with a Guy no matter his faults?
Posted: 2/15/2010 2:00:01 AM
Honestly think OP is on to something here. It makes sense to me. It's not a catchall in every case but I have noticed this trend in my personal experience and with my friends.

Hm.
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