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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 9:34:29 AM | This question is inspired by a couple of recent threads in a couple of the fora, though mainly the thread about the girl who's been dating many guys rather than one.
As many who've read my posts over time, you'll have noticed that I'm a just a tad jaded about relationships, marriage, having kids and all of that sort of stuff.
However, I'm torn when I talk to my sons about relationships with women, whether merely dating or being in something more serious.
On one hand, despite my negative experiences with relationships and my jadedness, I DO believe that love is possible long-term, though it's exceedingly rare. So, I would love if my sons could actually find love long-term. I like women, strange creatures that they are, and I encourage my sons to have positive, fun interactions with women/girls.
On the other hand, however, I feel I'd be remiss in my duties as a father not to point out that most relationships they have in their lifetimes will fall far short of being stellar. Marriages or marriage-like relationships are rarely good over the long-term and many, many fail. Of all the relationships I know of between people my age or younger, I know of 1 and MAYBE 2 where the couple still seem to be 'in love' and happy with each other, though I've never discussed those situations in detail with the parties involved.
I find little to endorse to my sons about getting into any sort of marriage or marriage-like relationship for the long haul. In fact, the ONLY reason I see that is good about it is if they are silly enough to want to have kids.
My boys have not had many, if any, positive role models, really, as far as marriage or marriage-like relationships from either me or their mother. They definitely will never see me living with a woman. Their mother has had quite few boyfriends over the years, though I'm not sure how many the boys have met and none have lived with her.
Anyway.... I am curious.
Do you teach your kids anything about it? My parents never did, but they were great role models, which is one reason I think I was unprepared for relationships in the late 20th, early 21st centuries.
WHAT do you teach your kids about relationships or even dating for that matter?
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 9:57:46 AM | you have some great points. I have no idea what I am going to teach my son, I was brought up to try to make things work and that if two people love each other they would try. However I see the opposite myself today. People think relationships are disposable, something bad happens they run rather than trying to work it out, or simply another strikes their fancy, is skinnier, or whatever, and they up and leave.
I want to teach my son to put his all into it when the time comes, but there are a few things he should watch out.
Women well and men can be extremely manipulative to get what they want, cheating does not need to be put up with etc, that kind of thing.
I have only seen one set of people married a long time and happy and that is a dear friend of mine everyone else I know bops from one to the other but never truly happy. I myself was about a year ago, but it seems all good things come to an end at some point an dnothing lasts forever. | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:23:05 AM | Teaching by example is the right answer, but things don't always turn out as planned. When going on 'play dates' with female friends and their children it's a 'friends' thing and they don't view them any different than a birthday party where the parents are present.
They're not stupid though. I've dated off & on in the five years follwing my divorce. I recently had a conversation with my 12 yo and my twins about how people coming into and out of your life is normal. People who you were good friends with in X grade at school or extracurricular activities may not travel in the same circles anymore and that is just how life is.
I apologized to my children that their Mom and I divorced, that it had nothing to do with them but happened nonetheless.
My kids see me (they can't help but notice) when I glance a second or two too long when I see chica at the grocery store or wherever. I don't ogle or make remarks, but they're aware that there's an attraction there. I encourage them to develop relationships and expect to get out of them what they put into them. If it's one-sided, it's not a real friendship. | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:37:19 AM | | Back when I was parenting, I taught by example that it is disastrous for a relationship to wreck one by trying to save it. My hope is that the lesson learned was to do exactly the opposite of everything I did, in which case success would result by default. I doubt that, because having been given that same example when I was young, it wasn't until I had proved for myself its futility that I understood the problem. That's the problem of not knowing what you're doing while thinking you do. | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:22:34 PM | Yeah, examples are great, but from my own experience, great role models aren't always the best examples...
I'm thinking, too, of those times when you see something or hear something that you feel is likely to be something they will experience and you want to give them a bit of a heads-up...
... for instance:
There's an advert on TV in our area for a building supply place, I think. The guy, husband, walks in the door from work decked out in his suit, briefcase in hand. He barely closes the door behind him when he's confronted with the wife who says, " Honey, we have to talk," in THAT tone...
... and when I hear those words in that tone, as with most guys I've ever talked to, you KNOW that what follows is NOT going to be good..... 
... and I want to tell my boys about those sorts of cues and what to expect/act....
... it feels like such a fine line to walk...
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:44:07 PM | Life is not like reading a text book then heading into an exam!
No matter what has happened to me in life, I will not influence my children in their personal lives when it comes to dating. That is after they turn 18 and presumed to have magically acquired enough intelligence and skills to handle theirs lives as required. Of course I will offer some guidance, but will hover in the background until I get the SOS flag.
Sometimes more is acheived by what is not said than what is! | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:53:29 PM | my son has learned to treat a woman how he expects to be treated with respect and nothing less and the same for my daughter too.
she 21 and he's 18 she 's been with her boyfriend for 3yrs now and yes they have had fall outs but she know how to handle them and how to 'talk ' to her boyfriend and not shouting with demands.
My Son treats his girlfriend like queen and at 18 thats something to be said . I'd go mad if he didn't lol.
Start them off rite in the dating world and hopeful it will change for future generations , because the way it is for us parents lol well they still on way back when rules .............haha they don't work ........but most wont change will they oddly enough people compalin about it but do nothing to change it . | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 1:15:49 PM |
Wind Doe:Of course I will offer some guidance, but will hover in the background until I get the SOS flag.
See, that's just it. Between here ^^^^^ and there vvvvvv is the quandary.
justchillinonthesidelines: ........but most wont change will they oddly enough people compalin about it but do nothing to change it .
Teaching kids to treat other people, male, female, young, old respectfully is a baseline as far are I'm concerned. It's just a given for me and my sons ARE very respectful, intelligent and personable.
But, as someone pointed out, kids are smart. They SEE stuff, they experience stuff and I just feel I can't NOT point things out or ignore stuff and hope they come to the correct interpretation, if there IS a correct interpretation.... but even just to learn to process what they see, hear and experience.
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 1:22:06 PM | Hey Capitao,
you thoughts and worries are called being a caring parent! Accept the fact that your sons are old enough to make their own decisions and that you are not responsible for the acheivements or failures - they are.....
Hang out with them when needed and give them space. This will be my own advice to me as my children get to that part of their lives...
Good luck | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 3:59:03 PM | | be honest about the realities of relationships; but make sure their open to the possibilities as relationship in and of themselves are wondrous, beautiful things. Its the people who muck it up. | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 5:44:46 PM |
be honest about the realities of relationships; but make sure their open to the possibilities as relationship in and of themselves are wondrous, beautiful things. Its the people who muck it up.
It is the people who mess it up, absolutely, which is why I can't tell my sons that relationships are "... wondrous, beautiful things." Very few relationships deserve those adjectives from my experience....
...in fact, in the final analysis, I've never experienced any wonderous or beautiful relationships, so I'd be lying to my boys if I told them something like that.
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:04:06 PM |
WHAT do you teach your kids about relationships or even dating for that matter?
I share and teach my child all aspects of relating/relationships. The good, the bad and the ugly. I talk about my great-grandparents, my grand-parents, my parents and my dating life. Nothing too in depth, but honest. He knows when I go out on a date and a name. He will ask how it went when I get home. I tell him the truth. Whether it was a one-time date or I might like this person and go out again. That's it.
But in matters of relating with others, I don't have much experience with awful dating stories or relationships. I'm not jaded yet, but I do let him know that not all people are honest, good and have your best interests in mind. The world is not always a pretty place and usually a conversation can be started with news stories on the net or your local news. Ask their opinion, perhaps state yours as well. Not everything has to be negative though, you guys can talk about stories of those who make a change in the world, who make life better for others, or talk about the really nice things our families and friends do for us. It is a matter of balance.
With your relationship history it too has to be balanced. Talk about your experiences and how things were when you first got together. How much fun you had, the things you did, things you had in common, the great conversations, whatever. The good things. But you can also point out when the red flags popped up, and how you dealt with it. You may have to explain why you put up with really crappy behaviour and why you shouldn't have. You can tell them where you made mistakes. Just be honest. If your sons see/hear that you treat a woman decently and then she acts really stupid, perhaps they will remember that when they are dating. Most people have to learn for themselves, but maybe they will think twice about how to deal with someone who isn't who they portrayed themselves to be. That is not something you can really protect them from, but it might sink in earlier than happened for you.
One thing I am blunt about? I've been telling my son he better wrap it always. I think when he was 12 I told him that if a woman says she is on the pill, don't believe it. Wrap it~~twice! LOL | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:25:42 PM |
One thing I am blunt about? I've been telling my son he better wrap it always. I think when he was 12 I told him that if a woman says she is on the pill, don't believe it. Wrap it~~twice! LOL
Oh, believe me, that's something I tell my boys too. I've been telling my oldest guy, my stepson, for years that I'd gladly go and buy him condoms. For his graduation in June, his bio-dad supplied him with a whole kit including condoms. My youngest guys have been hearing the same thing for a few years too, though I'm not sure the youngest is quite sure why it's necessary... though I'm not stupid enough to believe he doesn't.
Talk about your experiences and how things were when you first got together. How much fun you had, the things you did, things you had in common, the great conversations, whatever. The good things. But you can also point out when the red flags popped up, and how you dealt with it. You may have to explain why you put up with really crappy behaviour and why you shouldn't have. You can tell them where you made mistakes. Just be honest.
I do try to do these things, though I really have to stretch for the positives since it's been so long since I've been in anything "serious" and that the negatives at the end of any serious relationships have made the positives seem trivial....
... but, I DO try to be balanced, honest and as positive.
Cheers. | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 8:17:54 PM |
I do try to do these things, though I really have to stretch for the positives since it's been so long since I've been in anything "serious" and that the negatives at the end of any serious relationships have made the positives seem trivial....
Are you serious? You have to stretch? Why are you bringing up the negatives at the end of a relationship? We all look at the end of a relationship differently than the beginning.
You seem to be quite jaded, but yet kinda honest about your relationships. Where was the disconnect? What did you overlook? What did you want in a relationship? Was it an awesome looking woman on your arm? Was it a great sex life? Was she bat-shit crazy? While you cannot prevent your kids from making the same mistakes, you can still give them advice about what you did wrong and still give them positive attitudes towards long term relationships. It's much harder to maintain long term relationships now a days, but giving them the pros and cons and life experience may help them make better decisions in the long run. You may be surprised. (personally I observed everything my mother did, and did the opposite--I wasn't going to make the same mistakes she did. No way, no how)
I don't believe in church or marriage, but will not push that on my child. I will present my opinion and the pros and cons for each and let him decide what is best for him. If he makes a bad choice, then he will have to live with that decision. (so will I, but I just hope I can keep my mouth shut)
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 9:29:11 PM | What a great question. I struggle with this too. I, like you OP have no interest in ever getting married again. I wont say that I'll NEVER do it, but at this point in my life I can not imagine it. Like you, I am terribly jaded, to the point that it is hard for me to support anyone who is getting married or "looking for their soulmate" and all of that. I just think all of it is silly and wishful thinking. As the mother of a 6 yr old little girl I am careful to not let her overhear my conversations with friends on the topic, I don't want her to go into the world as a young woman with a low opinion of love and committment. Beyond that, I also talk to her about my grandparents who were married for 68 yrs until my grandfather passed away and her paternal grandparents are still alive, and have been married over 40 years. I am not entirely sure how I am going to address this issue as she gets older and starts to approach the dating years. I know though that while I will not turn her against the idea of marriage and falling in love, I will, as delicately as possible try to set her expectations of realism though. I wonder if some of us in this generation who are so hugely disappointed maybe got sold a bill of goods through the magic of Hollywood and Television, etc??? It's all perfect once you fall in love... ya know? Could it have been that our expectations were just inappropriate?
Frankly, I am looking forward to watching this thread to see what others of you have to say on this topic... This is a tough one. | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/6/2009 9:34:11 PM | My kids are still pretty young (11, 8 and 6) and have experienced a loving family for most of their lives, and a very amicable divorce over the past 18 months. I am now engaged to a wonderful man, and their dad (who is a great guy himself) is in a great relationship and told me he plans to propose soon.
What I have touched on briefly with my kids and will explain more as they are older is that it is extremely important to make the right choice in a long-term (hopefully lifelong) partner. My ex and I were 19 and 21 when we got pregnant and married, and I was not mature enough, nor did I know myself well enough to make the choice that he was not the right guy for me. He was loving, generous and kind, but we did not click at all.
I will teach my kids to take their time and date a LOT of people before settling down with the right one. I still believe in the institution of marriage, even though my first marriage failed. I hope they will learn from my example.
Also, with their father and me moving on quite quickly and getting into new marriages, I hope we can both be examples of good relationships. Most importantly for my kids though is to see that the relationship between their dad and me is still good. | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/7/2009 1:31:08 AM | Captain, I have a daughter and I think the best thing I can do for her is teach her to respect other people. There is such a culture now where people do not respect each other. I worry that she'll be influenced by these attitudes that are frigging omnipresent in the media and amoungst her peers. Women bashing men, men bashing women, women bashing other women, men bashing other men......................
I will say that the most worrying aspect for me of all this bashing is the gender war that rages and rages, men and women out to prove they have something over the other sex and are "better" than the other sex, the bitterness between the sexes is overwhelming sometimes.
I hope that she gets my message that you can live unconfined by societies' imposed gender boundaries as long as you respect people as individuals and learn to see them as people, not men and women. | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/7/2009 2:19:31 AM | They SEE stuff, they experience stuff and I just feel I can't NOT point things out or ignore stuff and hope they come to the correct interpretation, if there IS a correct interpretation.... but even just to learn to process what they see, hear and experience. IMHO, this is the crux of it.
*For me* I do not believe it is appropriate or "my role" if you like, to put any sort of "interpretation" on that which my children see and experience or even to 'teach' them how to process it.
First and foremost that is because any intepretation I have or anything I would view as them needing to learn is going to be entirely subjective and overwhelmingly biased based on my world view and experience.
It is not for me to say that relationships can be "beautiful" or "wonderous", although apart from the gagworthiness of describing a relationship in those terms I have had some very significant and overwhelmingly positive experiences in relationships; things I am so grateful for. And those experiences and in fact, the negative experiences as well, have given me insight into myself, how others experience me and how I experience them, that I would not have had were it not for being open to those relationships.
Conversely, it is not for me to say, "whatever you do DO NOT get married/live with someone/have a child/have a committed relationship/etc, etc". Because no matter how disastrous experience I may have had within those boundaries, it does not mean that they will.
So what will I "teach" my children about relationships? Nothing specific or intentional!
I will continue to seek out relationships in my own life, as that is what I desire. I will continue to conduct myself honestly, with integrity and being true to myself and my own personal values. And I will answer any question my children might have with as much honesty and completeness as I can give.
And *if* they ask for my advice, I will give my perception/view on whatever I have observed around what they are asking advice on.
I assume they will probably lean towards seeking out long-term/committed relationships because that is what they will have grown up with; and let's face it, in the greater community this is still very much what we are socially conditioned to do.
I will of course be far more vocal on the subject of safe sex and pregnancy prevention if I sense it is warranted; and probably even if I don't sense that.....
Beyond that however, it is not for me to directly try to influence their life's path. What they see, hear and experience and how they process it is for them to find their way on. These things should not be "taught" IMHO. The best possible way to "learn" about life is to experience it and make your own choices, right and/or 'wrong'.
We cannot shield our children from this. And if we intentionally try to influence them then it is highly likely they will resent us for it at some point in time. | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:41:40 AM | divorce should be the last option...counselling...living apart...lving together in same house...i just hope you are cilvilized with your wife
hopefully you have joint custody
,men can be also a good parent
i have had that experience wiht my dad
hopefully your children will be raised in tow homes that have love and support
moeny can not replace that
take care...and good luck | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:25:08 AM | Most of my children were 12 and up when their dad and I seperated so our discussions about relationships have been many! They were all at the age of interest/dating so they were naturally curious about how the things going on with their dad and I fit into a relationship framework.
The things I have tried to instill in them have been pretty simple:
Loving, and being loved, is a wonderful thing. (And I show them by loving them to the best of my ability.)
Love is very hard work. It doesn't just happen and keep happening. Two people have to be committed to doing the work to keep things connected.
Love takes time. Over-investing very quickly in a new relationship is a recipe for disaster. Taking the time to really know the person before you decide you are in love helps to protect you from heart break.
Love is NEVER enough. There can be issues and or circumstances that love cannot overcome. It doesn't mean one or the other is wrong, it just means that there is a compatibility issue that love cannot overcome.
I want my children to believe in love and marriage, but I want that belief to be based in reality. To give them a fairytale image of happily ever after is, in my opinion, not being fair to them or being a good parent. | |
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:34:20 AM |
Are you serious? You have to stretch? Why are you bringing up the negatives at the end of a relationship? We all look at the end of a relationship differently than the beginning.
You seem to be quite jaded...
Actually, I'm beyond jaded.... I just can't think of a better term to describe it...
I don't discuss my relationship with the boys' mother with my sons in any detailed way especially the ending of it. They get a sterilized, unemotional version.
But, no, I really can't remember any of the good stuff with any fondness. I think when she told me in no uncertain terms that she'd never really felt any love for me and that there was nothing good about our time together that that tainted any positive memories I had of that time.....
A few other longish term relationships (1-2 years) I've had also ended rather badly as well, so yeah, I'd really have to stretch for good stuff....
... but it's not like I don't get that there is good stuff that other people have taken away from their experiences and I do hope my sons find some of those things....
While you cannot prevent your kids from making the same mistakes, you can still give them advice about what you did wrong and still give them positive attitudes towards long term relationships.
Yup.
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:35:38 AM |
Captain, I have a daughter and I think the best thing I can do for her is teach her to respect other people.
Yup.... that's one thing that I think the ex and I have done well.
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:44:10 AM |
I will of course be far more vocal on the subject of safe sex and pregnancy prevention if I sense it is warranted; and probably even if I don't sense that..... Beyond that however, it is not for me to directly try to influence their life's path. What they see, hear and experience and how they process it is for them to find their way on. These things should not be "taught" IMHO. The best possible way to "learn" about life is to experience it and make your own choices, right and/or 'wrong'.
I agree with pretty well everything you say, meplus, but a big part of the quandary I feel is kind of like the seeming contradiction of the two statements above.
On one hand you are saying that you WILL attempt to influence your kids about a choice that could have a profound, possibly negative, impact on their lives and on the other hand you state that you will take a more laissez-faire approach to relationships which will ALSO have profound, possibly negative, impacts on their lives.
We don't tell our kids it's ok to play in traffic, smoke crack, quit school, or have sex without protection without saying something, influencing their choices, in effect...
.... are we not being remiss in not pointing out the negative aspects of relationships?
Maybe not, but somehow I just can't reconcile that for me, yet....
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| What do you teach your kids about relationships?
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:48:34 AM |
i just hope you are cilvilized with your wife
hopefully you have joint custody
We get along ok now though if it's not about the kids, we don't talk. We don't share our personal lives.
The kids live with me 50% of the time.
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