| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:50:04 AM | I have been in a fewrelationships where the man was a player, cheater...but now I have met the jaded, numb, depressed guy. He is on this site and I contacted him by email and it went back and forth for a while. He gave me his number so I called him...and I was speachless after that conversation.
He basically told me that he is numb to dating, sex and women. He has meaningless sex with women basically to fill the void. So this conversation went on for a while, him telling me that just days before he met a woman on here that he had hooked up with a few times...then he ex boyfriend came back and she was "confused" so apparently she went back with the ex.
He broke up with an 8 year relationship, he told me she was tired of waiting for him to "grow up and get his life together" and so now he is very jaded. It's the whole "poor me" syndrome..."my whole life I have f-ed up..." he wouldbe open and talk then the next second just say "forget it..." Ok so one night he text me "Do you want me?" and i said "what do you mean???" He said he was tired of empty sex, he wanted one woman to be with, to feel safe and grounded. I told him I needed to talk to him about this, where was this coming from. Well...a few hours later I get the "I had a moment of weakness" I told him he had a moment of clarity.
We still talk and he just thinks his life is SO bad, that all women just want to use him for sex, for a toy and he is sick of it. (I tell him he is letting it happen) I have never seen someone SO jaded, numb to any emotion but anger and depression in my life! (and...yes, he is on this dating site meeting women).
Being that I am a caring person I feel so bad for him. I told him that he is in no position emotionally and mentally to be in any kind of relationship (he agreed) and I said I could be his friend, we can talk and I am here to listen. I feel such a strong urge to help him, I have never encountered someone like this before THAT deep into despair. I do not feel he is suicidal, just very numb is all that I can describe it. He says he appreicates me but he has a hard time actually caring or anything about that I care. He could be such a great guy, I can see him being a fun person to hang with, laugh with but he is SO conflicted it's unbelievable.
Has anyone dealt with this before and what did you do? | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:07:38 PM | "If you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath."
-from Common Everyday Sociopaths (Google it)
Being a "caring person who feels so bad for him" makes you a perfect target.
My advice- cut all contact and don't look back, not even once. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:13:25 PM | | I've passed some time here and there with some very confused people whose groping at my emotions was their only way to try for what they wanted. So far I haven't decided to take anyone like that on as a project, as a fixer-upper, with an eye to their potential. What I've done rather than get involved was to take my turn pointing out which way is up, wishing them well in saying good-bye for now. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:15:19 PM | I don't think I agree that he is a sociopath...he does have like 2 things that are common things of sociaopaths like disconnecting emotions but he ismore of the "poor me" thing...feeling sorry for himself. The empty sex thing is to mask his pain/numbness from the failed relationship. This is not a person I talk to on a regualr basis so it does not consume me. I am actually on another site and things are going much better over there and I have met someone I connect with on a healthy level.
I was just curious if anyone has ever felt this way, similar or dealt with anyone like this. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:20:20 PM |
jaded, numb
numb to dating, sex and women.
He has meaningless sex...to fill the void
he is very jaded
tired of empty sex
thinks his life is SO bad,
I have never seen someone SO jaded, numb to any emotion but anger and depression Mmmkay
feeling sorry for himself. hits a nerve with you. Pushed your button.
he does have like 2 things that are common things of sociaopaths That you know of at this point.
I was just curious if anyone has ever felt this way, similar or dealt with anyone like this. Yes. He was a sociopath. An emotional vampire. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:25:31 PM | The guy isn't worth the time, but that hardly means he's a sociopath.
He's in the place now that his behaviour has taken him. And he's feeling sorry for himself. That's hardly original or sociopathic. Sounds more like he's depressed - clinically depressed. Unemotional, unattached, unable to make a connection.
My advice to him would be to see a doctor and get a referral. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:26:12 PM | ^^^^^
Emotional vampire is exactly the right description.
OP - you can't save or help this person. He has to WANT to change or be helped. Until then, you are really just enabling him. You are "rewarding" his current behaviour by giving him attention. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:27:12 PM | | fsg, Landra is right! Don't get caught up in the is he is he not distaction though, what is more important is to know both how care concern and sympathy are used against the caring person, as well as what conditions within the caring person make them a prime target for the manipulative/destructive person. Sounds to me you would find help reading up on codependency, learning about need for approval& acceptance, abandonment issues, rescuing/fix-it tendencies. These are very important aspects to get a handle on-they can make or break one's chances of having a functioning and healthy relationship. Good luck to you in your learning-Wiyan | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:51:21 PM | I really try not to entertain his attitude really...he will call or text me like twice a week at most. I just askhow he is doing and I do tell him only he can change his situation.
I was just floored by this man...I have never heard such despair and emptiness, void in a person before. Everyone has been in bad relationships or been heartbroken...I have and ended 15 year marriage and I never could ever feel this way...like there was no hope. If you don't have hope, what do you have?
I listen and pretty much keep it short. By talking to him for 10 minutes I am not enabling him, he gets nothing from me but an ear to listen mostly. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:56:38 PM |
Has anyone dealt with this before and what did you do?
Yes. I realized that they is just another player, but with a different game.
I feel so Jenny Jones. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 1:06:46 PM | Fun, You're a walking contradiction my dear.
I really try not to entertain his attitude really
I just askhow he is doing and I do tell him only he can change his situation.
If you don't have hope, what do you have?
A sociopath.
I listen
Oh, the irony.
By talking to him for 10 minutes I am not enabling him
By talking to him for 10 minutes once or twice a week, you're enabling him.
he gets nothing from me but an ear to listen mostly.
Mostly being the key word in this sentence.
Not sure how many people can tell you the same thing before you'll finally listen to what they're saying. If you're here to get opinions, great... if you want to keep arguing.... then why are you here? Sorry if we didn't give you the answers you wanted to hear, but that's not what we're here for. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 3:13:13 PM | It's very kind of you to care. But this guy is a junkie.
He's using you for a pity fix.
Help him kick the habit. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 5:00:51 PM | Personally, I would walk away. You become the company you keep, and routinely spending a large amount of time interacting with someone with a dismal outlook on life can be cancerous to your happiness and well being.
Then again, I also previously had a long history of volunteering to be everybody's therapist, so I'm probably just sick of it now. So I don't do it anymore.
I think your heart is in the right place and it's noble that you want to help him, but just make sure you look at the whole situation objectively. Make sure you're actually helping him and you're not jeopardizing yourself by being Dr. Funsimplegirl.
Good luck. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:16:19 PM | To be honest...I don't think there is ONE person in here who is even qualified to give you a diagnosis on this guy without being privy to the actual dialog going on between you two. There are far too many.....um.....qualified....yeah....qualified psychiatrists who all got their degrees at the University of Barnes and Noble in here as it is.... If I were to clinically diagnose this guy as a "SOCIOPATH" based on what you described......then EIGHTY PERCENT OF THE WOMEN IN HERE would need to admit themselves right after my first 'SESSION' with them on the COUCH at STARBUCKS!!! (give me a farickin break)......and to be even MORE brazen.....it would actually be THE PLAYERS who qualify MORE as a 'sociopath' than THIS guy..... Ask Mrs. Buttafucco!!
Now....I DO think, at minimum, the guy is 'depressed' based on what's gone on. And what he may need is TIME to get over some of the crap he's gone through.....a LOT of time. There isn't ONE person in here who's NOT felt the way this guy has felt at some time after the break up of crap. And there are FAR too many people in here who quickly run into REBOUND relationships to numb that pain, instead of taking the time to heal and get OVER the depression.
Regardless of the man himself......I do think you already know that you and this man are not in the same 'emotional timeline' right now. And if you want a healthy relationship, you need to just let this guy go for now..... possibly forever... and just go find somebody who is in the same place on the emotional time line.....
Any relationship is going to only be as good as the 'weakest link in the chain'........ So just move on to find a stronger link.......
peace | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/7/2009 5:35:13 AM |
I have never seen someone SO jaded, numb to any emotion but anger and depression in my life!
The best thing you can do to help this man is encourage him to seek professional help. Who knows what his problem is? However, one thing you do know is that he doesn't appear to have the necessary insight to help himself and doesn't appear to listen to what you're telling him. Time to back off methinks... | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/7/2009 5:51:12 AM |
Emotional vampire is exactly the right description.
OP - you can't save or help this person. He has to WANT to change or be helped. Until then, you are really just enabling him. You are "rewarding" his current behaviour by giving him attention.
I couldn't have said it better. Why are you wasting your time with this guy? What exactly are you expecting to get out of this? He's just going to suck your energy until you have nothing left. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/7/2009 6:47:42 AM |
By talking to him for 10 minutes I am not enabling him, he gets nothing from me but an ear to listen mostly.
There's 10 minutes of your life that you gave to someone who doesn't give a shit about you AT ALL.
You wanna go save something? Go save some wildlife, or Sally Struthers' kids...but FFS stop trying to save THIS guy!!
Just because he chooses to wallow in his despair doesn't mean you should get down there and wallow with him...to what end would you do that and for how long do you think you should "talk to him for 10 minutes"?
What are YOU hoping to get? That he'll wake up and go OMG...you've saved me!!!
Don't you have better things to do with your time sweetpea? If you need to save something, go for it but don't make it this guy. Save some trees, plastic...whatever...but make it worth your while. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:50:59 AM | I think I was very misunderstood here...I am NOT dating this man. I do not feel that I am being 'dragged down' by him at all, he does not effect me whatsoever. I was just explaining my conversation I first had with him. I don't want to save this man...that is not my job. I guess I am just concerned that a man is on a dating site meeting women and using them. No, I do not talk to him every time he calls which in not very often. I don't feel I need to run out and change my cell number due to this guy, he is not stalking me. I told him he is not what I thought he was, he is not ready for any type of dating or relationship. I guess I was just surprised to have that initial conversation with him when his profile was pretty normal sounding...then I talk to a man who is completely NOT in a state of mind to be meeting women. I too have been in long relationships that ended but I have NEVER met a single person who was THIS depressed and numb to the world.
Again...NOT dating him, not talking to him or anything. I'm not being brought down by him either. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:09:21 AM | Go get some help. I mean serious help.
This guy tells you a story in the FIRST PHONE CALL that should have you running like all get out and you stick around to continue to talk to him?
"Being that I am a caring person" WTF? Are you a therapist? Or just a sucker. I see sucker big time
I cant wait for your next post of whining about how after ALL the caring and sex you've given him, he is still numb and on this site hittin N Quittin.
Why on earth are you talking to him? But moreso, why are you bothering US with your claptrap psychodrama?
Why didnt someone delete this when we had the chance?
edit: you may NOT be dating him, but you sure spent an INORDINATE amount of time all focused about HIM and HIS STUFF. | |
|
| Really different experience...
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:16:04 AM | He sounds mentally unbalanced and the way you describe him, he sounds like a zombie.
It could be one of a few things.
a)Either he's a passive/aggressive and this is just how he goes about manipulating people into caring about him.
b)He's truly numb and having a very bad run with his moods/life.
c)He's in clinical depression and needs some professional help which he apparently isn't getting.
d)He's trying to gain your pity as a method of getting some attention.
e)He really IS that pathetic in personality and is fortunate God gave him decent looks (hey, you messaged him) so that he'd have any action at all.
Yeah, you could be his friend. But I don't think friends who encourage those who have tendency toward "pitypotitis" to continue doing so.
Ask him what he plans on doing about it? If he gives you a lame answer, then you know this guy has no intention of helping himself. | |
|
Home
login 
