| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:27:23 PM | | He calls all the time, he shares personal information, he makes me feel like he is very interested and then he backs off. Is it my fault, did I do something, should I ask him what the problem is or just move on? We have had the conversation about being honest and letting each other know up front if we didn't want to communicate anymore and both of us agreed. Am I just being too sensitive? I feel like I'm in high school again, lol. I'm finding this dating thing way to hard, I thought it was supposed to be fun!! | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:33:15 PM | You don't provide any real detail as to what is going on so its hard to decipher whats going on with you.
On that note, high school is just the beginning of life being played out and you are just playing out the rest of life.
Tye | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:34:26 PM | It's fun til you have feelings.
Is he backing off or just not showing as much you expect? | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:35:58 PM | you are not in high school
if you feel uncomfotable...take control of the situation
tell him up front ...how you feel
then date him...and accept his faults
date him and others
or leave him and find somebody who is going to make you happy | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:36:37 PM |
We have had the conversation about being honest and letting each other know up front if we didn't want to communicate anymore and both of us agreed
Obviously, you are doing as poor a job of communicating as he is.
I'm finding this dating thing way to hard, I thought it was supposed to be fun!!
If you don't settle for guys that aren't interested in you, it increases your odds of "fun" exponentially. | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:36:53 PM | He may be trying to avoid appearing overbearing. Talk with him about it.
Have you meet this person in real life yet? | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:40:05 PM | | Yes I have and the attraction was still very much there.. He didn't seem to mind being overbearing in the beginning, he called multiple times a day. This is the first time in 7 weeks that we went for a day and a half without speaking at all. Seems silly but it just feels like something is wrong. | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:46:35 PM | Maybe he's getting a bit of "relationship overload"? You say that basically you talk every single day... it's been almost 2 months and this is the first time you've gone for more than a day without talking. And you're freaking out about it.
Maybe his phone died and he lost the charger? Maybe he got into an accident? Maybe he fell off the face of the earth? Nobody knows bbut him, and you need to contact him and ask what's going on if you're that concerned. But honestly it's been 36 hours, you should really take a chill pill. | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:46:47 PM | We talked and texted for the first 6 weeks as we live in 2 different towns. He called multiple times a day and never missed a day.... He came to town a week ago we met and the connection was even stronger. We have talked everyday since but not as frequently and I did mention that and he stated it was not intentional. We spoke yesterday morning and I didn't hear from him again until later this evening and it was a very general/brief text message. We have had such a strong connection that I know somethings up & I don't want to seem like I'm reading too much into it by asking him what's up? My expectations are based on his initial reactions for the first 6 weeks.
I really like this guy and for the first time I have actually let my guard down and now I'm wishing I hadn't but on the other hand I'm wondering if I'm just so afraid of being hurt that I'm causing myself this pain for no reason... | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:47:40 PM | A day and a half? A A DAY AND A HALF???!!!!????
You ARE still in high school. Please go home, have some wine, call your mom. You are NOT ready to date with the grownups. | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:49:01 PM | a whole day and a half? now that's some real abandonment.
here's a thought: go over to his house to ask him what's up. or to his work. or just drive around town until you see him in his car. you deserve an answer for this unfair treatment RIGHT NOW. | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:52:24 PM | | I'm not sure why I'm doing a poor job of communicating? I have discussed with him about the difference in frequency and he assured me that it was not intentional.. I appreciate your comments however I'm not SETTLING for this guy, I really like him and I am pretty sure that the feeling is (or maybe was) mutual, I guess i'm just trying to understand the change in the atmosphere. | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:55:21 PM | | Wow, sorry I totally misunderstood what this part of the POF site was for I didn't know it was about making people feel stupid for feeling a certain way or wanting someone elses opinion. You really should learn how to say things a little nicer you are dealing with peoples feelings!!! | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:57:51 PM | The issues is not HIM, it's YOU. It's been thirty-f*cking-six hours. Order a pizza, pop in a movie... take some prozac. Just CHILL OUT!!
Wow, sorry I totally misunderstood what this part of the POF site was for I didn't know it was about making people feel stupid for feeling a certain way or wanting someone elses opinion. You really should learn how to say things a little nicer you are dealing with peoples feelings!!!
People aren't inclined to be nice to a 40+ year-old woman that doesn't know one of the most basic rules of dating.
"Desperate and clingy doesn't make him love you more." | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:58:05 PM | | You are doing a poor job because yes, you asked the question, but clearly you don't believe the answer. If you are just being hyper-sensitive and are indirectly self-sabotaging the relationship because you don't want to be hurt, that's on you. Otherwise, take him at his word and give him...oh, i don't know...more than a whopping day and a half to contact you? | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 7:06:48 PM | | gardina I think dating is not hard, but you are making it too hard. I think the minute you go into all this analyzing about why this/ why that am I this, and so on, trying to find out what is wrong and fretting, just be chill and say screw it! stop caring so much because people can see that stuff and they are repelled. so just leave it be, he's done so you be done. | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 7:07:27 PM | Ok.. I'll weigh in with something you DONT want to hear.
You are on a dating site, 45 years old and are looking for men from 25 to 45??
TWENTY FIVE???? Drunken frat boys??? WTF?
You have three kids and are willing to PLAY in the dating sandbox with a BOY OF 25??
Then, you whine that people with "REAL LIFE ADULT DATING EXPERIENCE" chew you up a little bit over a 7 week TEXTING relationship?
If your daughter came to you with this, what would you tell her?
No one can make you feel anything. If you are feeling stupid, then you probably ARE being stupid from your behavior.. AND the posts above that showed you how stupid you were presenting yourself, just were holding a mirror up.
Life isnt nice. Life IS.
Now, it's simple. "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU" in the way that you want him to be, OR in the way your little girl hopes he is.
Dammit Jim, I'm just a DOCTOR. Scotty, can you give me warp 11? How do you FEEL Spock?
edit - Post # 4 was incorrect. OP IS in highschool, emotionally. She DID do many things wrong, to answer her OP question. Her subsequent responses showed that. Calling MULTIPLE times a day? OCD. "Can it please be him, oh dear god it MUST be him, it MUST be him, or then I'll die, again I'll die. Oh no, hello, my dear god, he didnt call me, he didnt text me, for just one day, and then I'll die" comeon.. sing it with me.
Gawd.. if this wasnt so pathetic I wouldnt have enough fodder to advise my GROWN daughter of what NOT to do/be later in life.
Finally, why did you equate whatever he was doing with being honest? Where is the DIShonesty in all of it? | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 7:14:50 PM | Wow OP, if this guy does dump you its going to be because you are far too immature, needy and clingy.
I'd lose my mind if some guy was contacting me that frequently.
BTW, have you met this guy in person? | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 7:17:36 PM |
I'm not sure why I'm doing a poor job of communicating?
I'm not a guy, but I'll take a crack at this:
--because you've put the burden of communication on him. Why don't YOU do some of the heavy lifting and pick up the phone?
--because you've come to the forum instead of taking the question to him.
You might also consider the natural arc of frequency in relationships...as courtship turns into steady relationship, it's silly to continue to expect the same number of calls, or flirty gestures, or any other like behavior. That's unrealistic and, yes, very high school. It places a huge burden on your partner: "You're not calling as much as you used to," maybe followed by, "You're not holding me as long as you used to," etc, ad infinitum. Maybe he's not calling because you've already exhausted him with your unrealistic expectations and neediness.
Good luck. | |
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| Why can't he just be honest?
Posted: 9/6/2009 7:22:44 PM | You know OP..... I think a lot of people won't admit to having the certain 'anxiety' that you are having right now regarding this situation. But I would be pretty confident in knowing that most have gone through it from time to time when, after either first joining dating sites, or establishing a rare, supposed 'connection' after being on awhile themselves.
From what I read..... you had six weeks of constant communication before meeting. This is actually VERY typical with most people. They expel a LOT of energy in 'pursuit' on both sides with the emails, IM's.....phone calls, etc.... it's the 'anticipation' of it all that gets the juices going.
NOW..... it's also very typical after the initial 'meeting' for the energy to somewhat slack off a bit because the WORST part is over. Basically, the 'hunt' has been won. The person may still feel very much the same way....but the initial meeting has now gotten them over the hump. And you know, the possibility exists that their 'real life' actually suffered during that time in which they were doing 'the hunt'. So it's quite possible that people have to play CATCH UP with all the responsibilities they ignored during that all encompassing pursuit of 'lurve'...... Again.... MANY people will never admit to having this 'disease' of irresponsibility set in..... but it's more common than people will admit. Particularly if pursuing love on the internet.
If this were a 'real life' situation, in which both of you met, saw each other a lot, and said 'be damned with everything else', the same thing would have happened.
Is it possible that the thrill is gone for him now that he won the hunt?? well....yeah....it might be. And you'll have to prepare yourself for it. But it could also be that the adrenaline was pumping so hard for BOTH of you during the actual time before meeting, that one, the other, or both might need a slight BREAK for a minute now that the tension is finally gone.
The only way you're going to find out is to ease up a bit.... play it cool.... and get one good bout of communication. You also need to just get a bit 'rational' for awhile in your thought process to prepare for good or bad.... | |
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