| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:23:34 PM | Ok,I found a girl that i really really like online.We practically love all the same things.I mean heck she even works on cars and loves them which is a major plus for me.In other words shes perfect except one issue.I,because of religious beliefs am trying to save sex for marriage but if i did fall in love and happened before then i wouldn't mind either but im not gonna go around and bang everything that walks up right and is female just for shits and giggles. Anyways we went on a date and had a great time,never been more comfortable around a girl really,but anyways some how the issue of sex came up and she said that she had been with 21 different guys,and shes only 19.She says shes trying to change and practice abstinent but idk if shes just saying that so ill stay with her.
She also had a very ruff childhood so im trying to be understanding and i really like her but i cant get over the number of 21.lol Im not looking down on her or anything but thats just like total opposite of what i wanted.I wanted someone like me in that area.I mean if it was like 5 or 6 guys or something it wouldn't bother me.
So my question is should i look past it and continue,or should i just run from it?Im afraid that it will always be in the back of my mind.She says shes clean and everything but i dont know.I guess i was just raised totally different.
Thanks in advance. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:44:33 PM | I used to go out with a girl that had been with a significant number of men myself. In my experience, usually girls like that have trouble bonding with the men they date, and so usually move on to other relationships. The girl I was with dumped me for another guy she went out with before me, then a month later I hear from her brother that she dumped that guy again as well and was now seeing two other men that she met at her church. Keep in mind that before I started dating her she had a whole photo album full of pics of guys she's been with, and most pics are one shots =X.
So yeah, as experience shows, at best it can be very hard to maintain a relationship with girls that have gone through many, many men. Hard, but not impossible. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:47:59 PM | | 21 guys at 19, that's a lot. I would be put off too. If you are really serious about wanting to save sex for love you may want to hold it for somebody else. However, if you think that you may want to go with the flow and have some fun, she could end up being a decent girl still... 21, at nineteen! | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:49:59 PM | 21 guys at 19... This is a strong indication of a woman who a) doesn't have the remotest notion of what "discretion" means, and b) is likely, in a statistically meaningful manner, to be gestating enough diseases that something scientists haven't discovered yet has likely cobbled together in her body, and is preparing its coming out party.
Head in the other direction. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:51:48 PM | | Here's how I live life. "If it doesn't matter to you, it doesn't matter." Forget everything else you read here, look deep within yourself. It obviously matters to you since you posted here. Just answer the question yourself to come up with the best answer. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 12:03:19 AM | | At nineteen, a girl like this, based on what you said about her upbringing, is using sex as a means to bond from actual lack of adequate male role modeling in her life. Sex IS 'love' to her. Also....at nineteen, it will be very hard for her to recognize this, or how to actually prevent it from continuing until she gets older and is able to 'potentially' change her behavior. Probability factors pretty much guarantee that if you were to continue to have a relationship with this girl, she will eventually cheat on you. So while the number of past sex partners should indeed be a concern..... the number of FUTURE sex partners other than yourself should be an even BIGGER concern. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 12:10:04 AM | Normally i would have already ran.I mean heck ive broken up with past GF's b/c they've had sex with 4 guys.Idk theres jsut something about her thats different.
She told me that her grandfather molested her several times and abused her brother,thus being the reason for her actions.She even said she was a "sex addict".I mean like most of you said,the probability of her cheating is very very great thats what concerns me.I just we she wasnt this way. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 1:21:39 AM | OP...here's a thought since you are coming from a more church oriented and 'biblical' frame of mind.......
I'm not suggesting that you play 'savior' by any stretch.... but I also do think that God makes his presence known through people. And I also was not implying that one should automatically be discarded or thrown away because of their 'wounds'......only that the 'probability' exists for her behavior to continue if she's not willing to take responsibility for her own 'healing'..
So..... it might just be possible that you could act as a 'catalyst' for this young woman to start setting her on the path to 'recovery', even if you don't stand anything to gain in doing so.... Have you tried, without becoming over zealous or proselytizing, talking to her in a way that would encourage her to seek her own recovery?? I know that plenty of churches offer a program called "Celebrate Recovery", which is a good program for any who have either certain addictions or abusive pasts.
I know you're looking for a certain type woman to be equally yoked with.... but it also never hurts to be able to show love to somebody and get them started on their own path....Being a Christian toward the opposite sex is MORE than just looking for an equally yoked mate.... Sometimes your role is to help them potentially become a better mate for somebody else....... make sense??
If I were you....I would merely talk to her as a friend about it for now....plant the seed....and see if it grows........
peace | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 6:54:26 AM | Oh man......
Here we go...how the HELL did this not get deleted?
If it matters to YOU then it matters. Coming to ask a bunch of strangers what their "magic" number is will only cause grief.
And you're being a freaking hypocrite...
lol Im not looking down on her or anything but thats just like total opposite of what i wanted.
Adding an lol to a statement like that doesn't take anything from it. YES you ARE looking right down your nose at her and that's perfectly ok if that's what you want to do. BUT that means that you've already made up your mind somewhere underneath it all and it's distasteful to you.
Let. her. go. This is a big issue for you and that's fine...but you can't take what she's done and dismiss it. She's being honest with you--be honest with her and tell her that you all can be friends and nothing more.
Funny how the men will come running out for these numbers threads and can find creative ways of calling women hoes. This is why these threads never last...no matter what a woman says, MOST men will think 1) she's hiding a big ass number and whew...what a relief...won't contact HER or 2) she's a hoe...sign me up!!! | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:07:57 AM | She has let you know that she is sexual as she is due to the experiences she has had. That's what she is about.
You have a different idea of sex and relationships. You're about keeping sex for marriage, having the marriage last.
She can understand and want what you're about even while she is not about that herself. It can sound like a good alternative, maybe an escape from where she is stuck. You can talk with her about how you see the future, and she can look at that picture and agree it sounds great. That agreement on the picture looking great is a very different thing than whether or not walking into the picture is possible for her.
She needs men to accept her. She needs men to have sex with her because that is how she handles feeling bad about herself for the fact that men have had sex with her before they should have and under the wrong circumstances. If you seem like a great guy, and you won't have sex with her, that says she is no good. That says she is not good enough for a great guy and doesn't deserve the kind of life a great guy wants. It confirms her lost value. It means that what a man did to her made her worthless. So, she will be wanting to agree with you about your ideas, and say what helps you to decide to have sex with her. That won't be a hard sell because you already do want her. All that's left is for her to give you a good enough excuse, so you can say, "It's just sex, why not?" Or maybe she will help you think to yourself, "Maybe she just needs a good guy like me, and she can change." However that negotiation might go, your sexual desire for her is helping it along. The only thing that could stop you two from having sex is your good judgment.
It's not whether she is good or bad by her past, or that how many people matters, although the high numbers do have effects. It's about how you and she come from different backgrounds of experiences, and have different needs now, and that if you take the immediate sexual desire out of the equation, not only are you two from different worlds, she is dealing with her unfortunate history of abuse. She's not the girl for you, and, she should be in therapy not out having sex as a sex addict. If you put your immediate sexual desire back in the equation, and add her compulsive need for your sexual approval, then you can lose sight of anything that might stand in the way of your getting laid.
What matters is that you put your compassion for her ahead of your attraction to her. Don't add to the number of men she has had sex with. Be the one who doesn't take advantage. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:42:54 AM | Here's the crux.
It doesn't matter if you are a guy. Many conquests are "admirable".
If you are a girl....you better be virginal...not a virgin but not well experienced.
Double standard? Yup.
Do we like it? Nope.
Reality? Yup again. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:59:01 AM | The unwritten rule has always been 3 per 10 years. So if you are under 20, the answer is 3. 1 as your first in highschool, then two 1 yr "relationships" during college(they graduate)
Then, in your 20's you allude to 3 different "seriously committed S.O's) with some time outs in between.
It stays the same with timeouts for marriage. Marriage can eat up the years.
That seems to be an acceptacle level of partners without looking like a total slut (either gender)
That's the story to stick to, no matter how many it actually was.
OP? What's this girl's contact info? ALL the guys want to meet her!
edit: Ahhhh.. I suppose I should read through the entire thread before I answer, but it's so much fun the other way. Notice how the OP almost ALWAYS comes up with the "Paul Harvey REST of the story" when they dont see the obvious handwriting on her back(her wall)
She was MOLESTED by her grandfather. Wow.. NOW it becomes a classic psychological answer since ALL the empirical knowledge of how molested children "act out" is all over the psych world now. Why didnt he say that up front?
Sheeesh.. if it wasnt for the comedy fodder that comes from some of these posts and answers, I'd find something else to do.
Some times I'm serious on here, but most times.. IRONY LIVES. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:39:03 AM | Boy, I'd wear your rubbers.
Works on cars: Boy, this chick DOES sound cool-! My brother loved cars too and working on them and woulda loved her.
Of course it matters, but what matters more if whether she's into being monogamous with you...NOW. If she says "yes", trust her at her word, use protection if you both get horny, and both of you get tested as soon as possible so you can completely relax about sex. Then continue to trust her, until such a time if ever arises that she gives you reason not to. If she strays once, let go of her and don't EVER take her back again if you're looking for monogamy.
Not to discount your religious beliefs, but, while I understand the "spiritual purity" aspect of waiting, I think waiting for marriage to have sex is sexual suicide. Those are waters that, in my opinion, need to be treaded WAY, WAY before marriage (or even decide whether you want to be married at all). How do you know you really like each other until you've been completely intimate? And how do either of you know whether you'll love each other enough to keep the whole thing going in 10-20...50 years? How do you both feel about kids? Does this troubled-childhood vixen even want them? Do you? Things to think about and talk about with her before thinking marriage. Marriage is a lifelong commitment...trouble is, people change over time.
My own thoughts on marriage are a bit shaky. I suppose, given a cushy financial future (which has never been the case), a job that I like that makes plenty of coin (which has never been the case) and working out the structure of what we want home life to be...if it all looks like a happy future, I'll take the plunge and propose. Marriage vows say "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer", but--GOD, it takes a lot of money to comfortably support a home and a family. And it takes a lot of love. Sometimes I doubt my own capacity for love, especially in times of stress, but I need to love and be loved as much as anyone else, and a wonderful home life (similar to the one I enjoyed growing up) sounds good.
You have to really search your soul on this one. DON'T bring up marriage, but DO get to know her a bit before getting into sex. Work on some cars with her (it's a wonderful, sensual activity, and she sounds very skilled with deep mechanical knowledge). Have some deep discussions. Have some light laughs. Be a friend. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 10:19:21 AM | | Brother Nico, this is one of those things that you want to know, but you really don't want to know, so it doesn't matter unless you "find" out whether it's through the grapevine or you stumble upon it and if that number is bothering you then you have a problem. Personally the number can be very detrimental to the relationship, so i just swallow my pride and pretend there is none, but if i find out I would end the relationship immediately. like the whole 21 and 19 yrs old that's a number i wouldn't be too happy about those the kind of girls I lost my virginity to never relationship, yeah I sound like a pig, but that many means no self control to me. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 10:37:24 AM | You can't turn a ho into a housewife
Of course you can.
Just add the letters usewife.
Here's the thing OP:
- she had a rough childhood. Who didn't? That is an excuse and it's getting really old;
- she's 19 and if she has been with 21 guys, it's done now. You can't go back and change that;
- she could be bragging in hopes of you viewing her as very desirable (on that level).
It's been written that women sometimes use sex for a relationship and men sometimes use a relationship for sex.
Either way, you have to be true to yourself. If you cannot get past this, then you cannot get past it and perhaps you are destined to just be great pals.
If you can, then be cautious and ask for tests. You just never know.
^^BG^^ | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 12:31:56 PM |
Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
The number of people a person had sex with in the past year, month, week, last couple of hours is important to me in ascending order.
Overall in their life not so much.
So my question is should i look past it and continue,or should i just run from it?Im afraid that it will always be in the back of my mind.
Do you really want to start a relationship already not trusting and fearful?
Already looking for reasons why she is different and not what you want?
Already defining it as a relationship? I mean you don't know what she's thinking.
For all you know (based on the OP) the 21 guys was the lie to see if you'd judge her or stick around.
She may be a virgin, and that's why she brought up abstinence. And the 21 guys was a means to test your view on sex or how you will judge her for being a virgin.
Do you have better things to do than date her? Are you in a hurry to find the "right" one before really knowing anyone? Do you think the right one will automatically be perfect from the first date?
If yes to those, then you should move on IMO. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 1:00:58 PM | for me absolutely; you cant' turn character off and on; if someone is sleazy and promiscuous, they are not for me.
The STD rate with those under 25 is the highest in the HISTORY of the U.S. according to the National Institute of Health; and those are only the STD rates among those that have been reported. With African Americans it's 48%.
There have never been more single mom's than in the history of the u.s.
The girls gone wild generation craving attention may be cool, but it's not smart. 3 somes and all this other spring break crap shows pretty pathetic behavior.
I personally would not date a sleazy girl; I've noticed that sex is more of an act and doesnt' mean very much to them. That type of personality will also cheat and many have cheated because sex is more of an act than something that means anything. Dog's have mindless sex too.
It's up to you; again, that's not going to be a part of my life. I have a good reputation and I'm not going to ruin it with someone that sleeps with half the men she meets. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 1:09:00 PM | if her having sex with so many men is as a result of her being molested/abused when a child, then no matter how much she might want to change, it's unlikely, unless she's received some kind of counseling/healing help for the trauma involved; if it's caused her to act out that way before, it probably will again ~ nothing's changed (about the situation), so nothing will change (in how she responds to it)...
besides the actual number of men she's been with, i'd think that her mental well-being and overall emotional health would be a concern as to whether or not she's really ready for a healthy relationship with you | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 3:43:23 PM | | Some really heavy issues going on here, not just the number of men she's been with, but the molestation by family. Are you prepared to deal with this? If you do become intimate with her, will you be thinking about the other guys who've been there before you? If you're open minded and compassionate, then maybe you'll be able to have a relationship but she should be willing to seek counselling for herself. On the other hand, if you can't handle her past, then, as we say in Brooklyn, fuhgeddaboudit. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 3:46:45 PM | So you've found your Mary Magdelene and now you're concerned she won't be yours, all yours.
She either loves sex and has a healthy sexual appetite (which apparently men approve of as long as it's with THEM only--hypocrites) or she's been sexually abused and views herself as a sexual object, takes sex when she wants love, wants lots of love so ends up getting lots of sex, has issues with boundaries and just can't seem to say no.
OR she is just a very opportunistic girl who is just "one of the guys" and does it with much the same gusto as a young guy might.
Take your pick. Either way, addressing the issue with us isn't going to reassure you in any way as we really can't know what's what or the why the high number.
By that age I had been with 3 guys in total and I'm no wallflower.
And yes, you can have a promiscuous phase after sexual abuse which is treatable. Some people act out, some just lack boundaries BECAUSE of the abuse and some just enjoy the offers and take them.
Sounds like your morals are in opposing streams. Proceed with caution but don't demoralize her. | |
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