| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:08:12 PM | I went on a small date with someone else tonight, after I got off work.
I actually thought it went quite well. I thought we had good conversation on both ends, however, my date later mentioned that I didn't seem very sociable, and didn't feel any connection with me, which if thats how he felt, I'm not going to argue. No harm done.
Though, I'm worried about the part where he said that I didn't seem very sociable. Its discouraging to me because I was more sociable tonight than I have been in a while, and that was because I enjoyed my company. If I don't seem sociable when I feel like I'm being incredibly sociable, how unsociable am I being on a normal basis?
And if the case is that I'm not naturally sociable, how can I change my behavior so that I am? | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:12:12 PM | You should never have to change who you are to meet the standards of others.
Frankly, I find it arrogant that someone has the high expectation to believe everyone will be themselves, comfortable and confident, on a first meeting, especially if this is someone you've never physically met or interacted with before.
I am not naturally sociable, but when the other person is a good conversationalist, then its easy to come out of the shell. Perhaps this date just wasnt that way. It isnt for someone to judge what level of 'sociableness' you are on.
Keep your head up, and keep trying. You'll find the right fit. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:12:51 PM | Maybe he wasn't talking about your behavior on the date. Maybe he meant you're not a hard-core partier - and he is.
BTW, love your profile! You are one funny chica.
 | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:21:08 PM | As long as you were enjoying yourself, and felt comfortable in your actions, there's nothing you need to concern yourself with. Obviously your personalities wouldn't mesh well if he thought you were being antisocial, and you felt like you were being very social.
But if you really feel that you were being less than social, you could try meeting in an environment that puts you at ease ie one of your favorite restaurants or hang out places
Or you could try taking a communication class (not a toastmasters lol) but something focussed on connecting with individuals...maybe join a "couples" communication class with a friend? I took come counselling classes in college as part of my program, and found that the skills in those classes have really helped my ability to communicate with new people (I used to be painfully awkward and shy around new people)...even simple things like using body language, or nodding can help people feel like they're connecting to the person they're talking to | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:21:43 PM | Didn't seem sociable?
WTH is that supposed to mean I wonder?
Do not worry about it TravelSize and don't pick yourself apart due to what one person has said to you, about you.
He said he didn't feel a connection and apparently felt the need to tell you why and that it was your fault by seeming unsociable using it as an excuse....I don't know, but would seem so.
Again, do not worry about what this one person thinks of you.......k?
Most likely the next guy will think you're simply fabulous. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:22:37 PM | I have a feeling that when he said this, he wasn't really talking about "sociable" in the way that most of us would understand the word. He might have been meaning that you weren't as flirty or slutty as the girls he is used to. You were surprised by this comment, which comes from one person, who decided he didn't want a second date.
There could be any actual reason for the decision: it'd be unrealistic to assume that he's being 100% open and honest -- for the most part, people are not, especially when it comes to this kind of discussion. It could be that he has feelings for someone else or was hoping for a one night stand or just doesn't like your laugh -- who really knows? I don't think you should worry about a one-off comment: although it's not unhealthy to be open to challenges, life is going to be very hard if you take everything anyone says to your heart and believe it is right to do so.
I would seek second and third opinions. Ask your mother, your friends, people who know you well. Ask them if there is anything in the way you come across that could be interpreted as unsocial by other people. If they can't come up with anything, dismiss the idea, unless it happens again, in which case, ask more questions to the guy who is labelling you, about what that label means to him.
PS I consider myself to be unsociable, I don't think there's actually anything wrong with it. I just don't rate 'society' all that high. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:22:45 PM | And if the case is that I'm not naturally sociable, how can I change my behavior so that I am?
Why would you change? Be yourself! | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:40:02 PM | Hi TravelSize.
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it: it's a bit of a sliding scale with personalities. What might come across as frigid and socially maligned to one, might be considered a "chatty Cathy" to someone else, and so on. There are plenty of other glass slippers to try on, so don't get caught-up on the one that didn't fit  | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:40:09 PM |
I went on a small date with someone else tonight, after I got off work.
I actually thought it went quite well. I thought we had good conversation on both ends, however, my date later mentioned that I didn't seem very sociable, and didn't feel any connection with me, which if thats how he felt, I'm not going to argue. No harm done.
Though, I'm worried about the part where he said that I didn't seem very sociable. Its discouraging to me because I was more sociable tonight than I have been in a while, and that was because I enjoyed my company. If I don't seem sociable when I feel like I'm being incredibly sociable, how unsociable am I being on a normal basis?
And if the case is that I'm not naturally sociable, how can I change my behavior so that I am?
Why change to meet someone else's expectations? From what I can discern you have a wicked sense of humor, and if they don't think you're sufficiently sociable for their preferences then the odds are that they aren't the right one.
Win or lose, stand or fall - stand tall and be proud of who and how you are. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:45:51 PM |
He might have been meaning that you weren't as flirty or slutty as the girls he is used to.
Ooo, I didn't think of that! Might well have.
In any case, and especially after reading some of the men's input, I'm not sure I think so much of someone who felt a need to criticize you in order to explain he didn't want a second date. What would've been wrong with just saying he didn't feel a connection? Nothing... | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:46:36 PM | To be clear, I'm not upset that he didn't like me as much as I liked him. And I'm not trying to change myself to please him specifically. As far as I'm concerned, he was just another learning experience.
What worried me was that I was considered "unsociable". I just wonder if I'm like that naturally, and if thats hurting my chances with someone who would be good for me. And if thats the case, how would I go about changing that part of me. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:52:44 PM | | Take all your failtures as 'learning experiences' then. Grow from them. You cant flick a switch and suddenly become the most socialiable person in the universe. The more exposure you have to these scenarios, the easier it'll be for you to go through them. What bothers me, is your allowing this setback, to make you look at yourself and go 'what is wrong with ME?'... what is wrong with HIM, or the events in general? Maybe he was just looking for an easy-girl, and you just werent it. Lucky for you! | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:22:08 PM |
If I don't seem sociable when I feel like I'm being incredibly sociable, how unsociable am I being on a normal basis?
I don't know. I don't know you.
What's normal sociability for you? What was normal sociability to him?
Did he really find you unsociable, or did he not like your perfume, or your ass, or that you wear glasses, or your hair was too long, but didn't want to seem shallow so chose to say you were unsociable according to his standards because that means he isn't shallow?
And if the case is that I'm not naturally sociable, how can I change my behavior so that I am?
Talk to more people and care what they have to say. Or fake it for appearances until it becomes normal. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:36:32 PM | Why analyse to paralyse 
Life is short enough without you putting yourself in a early grave due to stressing about "what he ,she, them" think of you | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:52:13 PM | | ask your friends and family, maybe co-workers ... that's where I go to ask about my own characteristics if I don't feel clear about something. If they consistently say the same thing, then you might pay attention. I'm thinking he was being a jerk -- just reading your profile makes me think you're sociable and fun -- for sure funny. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:32:47 PM | I'm in agreement with Helen! Plus, you can't take the opinion of ONE person! Ever! Everybody has their own opinions and who knows what this guy meant and what measuring tool he is using to compare you??? You will never know. I would only start to get concerned about something like that if you had heard several people make the same observation, then at that point you might want to evaluate your behavior, but a comment from one guy...Uh, ok...moving on, Next.
I've gone on my fair share of first dates that for whatever reason didn't hit a green light. Some I've known exactly why. Some have been because I've had no interest, but there have been others where I really had no clue. I went on a date with a guy a while back, we laughed and cut up the entire date, he complimented me over and over again on everything from my appearance to how much I looked like my pics to how funny and entertaining I was, etc... We had talked on the phone multiple times before the date and I had told him that I am usually not real comfortable kissing on a first "meeting", he had said he understood that, etc. Anyway, needless to say, after our meal was over we went for a walk in the town square near where we had met. Here we were out in front of God and everybody and he decides to start kissing me. I kissed him back, sort of, but only a couple of times and then kind of pulled back. I was really not prepared for it, really uncomfortable not only with the fact that I had just met him but especially with the setting of kiss too!!! EEK! Not my style! Anyway, we laughed it off, spent a while longer together and had a lot more laughs until we finally called it an afternoon and he said he would call me in the next few days to see when we could get together again. I hadn't heard from him after a couple of days, so I sent him a text message just saying "hi, how are ya?". He texted me back and said "Hey, ya know I really didn't feel a connection between us so I don't think I want to get together again." ???? Talk about confused! I was confused! At first I tried to figure out what in the world had happened. I even considered for one insane second writting him back and saying "why??" but regrew my brain real fast and didn't do that! I ended up thinking, "well, maybe it was the awkwardness of the kissing thing?" that was the only moment of the entire date that had seemed a little bit off, and even that hadn't seemed a big deal, I thought. But then after thinking about for a little bit I realized, in reflection...I will never possibly know what his reasons were, I could make myself crazy wondering about it and I still wont have a clue. The bottom line is it could be that it had nothing to do with me (just like your situation could have nothing to do with you), often times on here we meet people who are simply looking for different things than we are, or they have other relationships that aren't completely over that might unexpectedly get resurrected or they may have met someone else a week or so prior to meeting you that all the sudden turned out to be a little more involved than they expected, etc.... And the easiest way out is to just put the blame on you and say OH, I'm just not feeling the connection with you. So, "CHICA" (love that!) who cares what this guy said... just go out with someone else who does see your cute, funny, entertaining side!
Hang in there! | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/8/2009 11:25:05 AM | | You only got one person's opinion. You may not of appeared sociable to him but to others you may appear to be a party animal, ya know? Different people have different points of view. Don't let this one person get to you and never and I do mean NEVER change for anyone. Always be yourself. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/8/2009 11:48:17 AM | Can I get you to wonder if you need to change your behavior, by commenting on how you appear to me?
You don't seem very generous when it comes to making lunch.
(I'd like a ham sandwich.)
All kidding aside, I am out of ideas.
Wait...here's one. Just in:
To test whether his comment is a valid reason to wonder if you appear less sociable to others, and not just to him, ask a bunch of other people who have seen you socializing. It would be impossible to know how you seem in this regard without having witnessed a performance. Asking here is like if you had been told you sing off-key, and then we try to tell if you do by reading about it. It takes hearing you sing. Now, if you don't socialize and therefor have nobody to ask about it, he might be on to something. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/8/2009 3:03:26 PM | I like your profile, it's one of the funniest and light hearted approach to POF.
I would say you are probably more spontaneous and creative when writing to people, maybe it gave him the impression that you're very outgoing, party-goers.
Or maybe he was playing the "GAME", feeding you negs to make you feel less valued.
In either case, don't worry too much. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/8/2009 3:10:35 PM | | Your profile is great. If you're anything like your profile, you shouldn't be trying to change yourself. You are the correct dose of funny & cute. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/8/2009 3:15:51 PM | | travel size, i don't think you should change what you do if you feel normal at what you are doing. People are different in different situations, to some people I'm intimidating, to some I'm harmless, to some people I'm absolutely hilarious, the only thing that's the same about me is I never changed, you have your specific dna that has made you unique, so if someone has a problem with it, tell em to step off. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/8/2009 3:16:59 PM | | sounds like his issue. how dare he say that you in the first place?! How dare he pretend to be judge and jury?! don't give him the power to judge how sociable you are. It sounds like he was just fishing for something and he latched on to that. Don't worry about or him. You are fine just the way you are. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/8/2009 3:29:57 PM | | OP, guys come and go. I dont let them changing their mind worry me in the least. You are pretty and lots of fishies out there. | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/8/2009 8:00:26 PM | | Put this in the same category as; I didn't feel the chemistry. It's just as meaningless and undefined, but it sounds better than: "I don't like you." | |
|
| Food for thought
Posted: 9/8/2009 11:19:31 PM | First, I am in love with your profile. I want to marry your profile and have lots of sex and babies with your profile.
That being said,
Just be yourself. Listen to constructive criticism and judge it's worth. If you see no basis for this dweebs statement, then leave him with his own dweebness and move on! | |
|
Home
login 
