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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 5:47:58 PM | I'll start with the fact that when their mom was here, there was yelling and drugs and neglect.
Now there is peace, love and happiness. I work, take care of the house, cook the food, change the diapers, wash the clothes, play cars with the boys and dolls with the girls. I provide love and disapline. When they are thirsty, hungry, sad, happy, confused or had a nightmare they come to me.
So tell me, what else do they need? | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 5:57:08 PM | | They need to remain where they came from so they can, in their turn, be there together for the children they bring into the world. They need the love that originated them to continue to nurture them as they develop. They need the example of reproduction being an affirmative process. They need the story to tell themselves about how wonderful it is to fall in love and have a family. Other than that, sure, compared to some bungled fiasco, it's better to have the lesser of two evils. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 5:58:56 PM | Children don't need two parents; One parent can give just as much love and care as two.
However, Children do need both male and female rolemodles i.e. grandparents, aunts, friends ect.... | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 5:59:49 PM | | I'm with ya all the way man...I take care of my son solo too. I don't think kids NEED two parents, especially when one of the parents is a bad influence. It would be NICE to have a co-parent(especially in the home) but honestly I think the two parent bit is the ideal but not the requirement, ya know? They can still come out perfectly adjusted even if only one parent steps up to the plate in raising them. Good luck to ya man. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 6:03:02 PM |
Children do need both male and female rolemodles i.e. grandparents, aunts, friends ect....
I DO agree with that. I picked on a close female friend of mine to fill that role for my son. She is great with him and is a well adjusted classy successful single mother herself. Since I don't have any family around, that's an invaluable resource. If you don't have anyone to fill that role for your kids, that would be a good idea. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 6:09:29 PM | Do they need two parents living side by side day after day engaged in full 100% parenting together to be happy and well adjusted citizens of society. No.
Children do need both male and female rolemodles i.e. grandparents, aunts, friends ect....
Absolutely | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 6:15:29 PM | Pal -
We've already found a mutual respect towards each other in a different post.
That being said, I'll comment from a philosophical place after answering your question directly.
They DONT "need" two parents. And from the description, they sure didnt need your ex around with all those issues.
However, generally speaking kids need exposure to a myriad of life's experiences.
Because of it being ONLY you, they wont have the role-modeling of the loving behaviors between two adults. You'll have to teach them the theory of it, constantly explaining both sides, the mom's side (were she there) and your side. Now the mom's side needs to be explained from the theory of what a good mom would do. If you have friends, or relatives who ARE healthy and good role models, have your kids around those women. but DONT just let them absorb it, instruct your kids as to what they are seeing in these good role model examples.
Your boys will see how to be a caring, considerate and RESPONSIBLE man from your behaviors. Your daughters will have a role model to copy when they go to choose their own mate. The difficult part for your boys will be seeing what a loving and nurturing woman is within an adult relationship(mom gone). Daughter's difficulty will be knowing how to be a WOMAN towards a man in an adult relationship.
Your son's MAY seek out examples of their mom to rescue (transference). While your daughter's MAY seek to recreate in themselves all the bad behaviors their mom demonstrated, to see if you'll divorce THEM(leave). Without CONSTANT teaching, you are at risk of those behaviors from your children during puberty and on into adulthood.
They dont NEED you to desperately seek to date and find a new woman for them. They are probably still shellshocked that their mommy did what she did.
They just WANT what June Cleaver represented. It's an innate wanting.
You're got one tough row to hoe. It's doable. I did it.
BTW, My daughter's friends had a nickname for me from elementary school through highschool.. "Lecture Dad" EVERY time she had friends over, I took as a teaching moment and would ask a question, then espouse my philosophy/thinking/knowledge
Well, a couple of years after my daughter turned 18, graduated from highschool, I was walking in a Best Buy.. and heard a shout/squeal and was almost suffocated by some hottie teen girl hugging me tighter than a sumo wrestler. She finally let go and introduced me to a very perplexed looking woman(her mom) with an introduction of
"THIS is (my daughter's name) DAD. The guy I told you about, you know mom, LECTURE DAD." She then breathlessly told me how my lecture/lessons came in handy throughout school and on into adulthood and how grateful she was. Her mom's expression came around to one of "Oh NOW I get why my daughter is hugging this stranger", softened and when said girl was done, expressed to me" I am grateful that a MAN stepped up"
One of the best days of my life, knowing I made a difference | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 6:16:23 PM | I totally agree that they need role models. And that I have in my mom and sister and hopefully I won't be alone forever, so there will be someone in the home to be the female role model .
It just seems everytime I look in the forums someone is saying "single parent, the kids life is ruined" or that the single parent is a loser. Kids adjust and the parent that split is the loser. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 6:55:52 PM | Sounds like the consensus is still: children need the whole village to do their part...
...and what do your children need? I'd venture to suggest yours would do a bit better with a father that doesn't speak negatively about their mother, no matter who she is or what she's done or where she's been. Ever.
If you've ever seen me around the forums, you might have noticed that I like to recommend books.
*smile*
For you, instead of a book, I recommend this cd:
The Soul Healing Meditations by Deepak Chopra | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 6:59:34 PM | They don't NEED 2 parents who are going to fight and be abusive, they need love and support and guidance, no matter who, or how many people it comes from. I think "ideally" kids should have 2 parents in thier lives... whether seperate or together... who love those kids with every inch of thier hearts.
I'd say that the title of your thread is quite inaccurate. "Most" of us do not feel this way, most of us want what's best for the kids. In your case, OP, your doing what needs to be done because the mom is no longer around. I recommend this over having a mom in the picture who abuses drugs and neglects her kids. You do what you gotta do. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 7:13:55 PM |
I'd venture to suggest yours would do a bit better with a father that doesn't speak negatively about their mother, no matter who she is or what she's done or where she's been. Ever.
I never bash their mother in front of them !! Even when she was in jail and rehab. The thirteen year old knew what the mom was doing long before I did. I encourage their mother to be a part of their lives but to no availe. They have been though enough and I would never do anything to hurt them. And if you concider facts to be negative than so be it. If the question is brought up between adults, say in this forum, I will state the facts. She verbally abused the kids, neglected the kids, she did drugs in front of the kids, dealt drug with the kids, and was arrested and sent to rehab for this. Did you hear me call her a b1tch or any other name? No. Do I feel like calling her a name? Yes, more than one. Do I care what she does with her life? NO. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at what you said. I'm just letting you know, bashing the mom is not in my nature. Thanks for the recommended CD, I will check it out. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 7:50:28 PM | | I think you have a point, singlesuperdad. We hear all kinds of horror stories about children of divorce. Yet, we hear nothing about the damage done to kids who grow up in homes where their parents hate each other. There's this cultural assumption that as long as people stay married, their children will be better off. Not true at all. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 8:33:03 PM | Kids don't NEED all that much...
Some of the kids from all over the world grow up in really bad environments and end up being very decent people as the opposite is true as well.
I find that any kid who grows up in a safe and loving environment is a lucky kid. This that and the other may be missing but they are still very lucky.
There is no perfect recipe and, if you are doing your best, they are very lucky.
Happy couples with the white picket fence and the whole shabang will transfer both bad and good to their kids as well. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 10:25:05 PM | It depends on how poisonous the relationship of the two parents is.. Sounds like yours was pretty bad.
Some situations are better with single parents, while others work out great with both.
I believe parents who fight all the time shouldn't be together, at least not around each other 24/7.. It causes a bad environment for the child. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 10:33:50 PM |
Children don't need two parents; One parent can give just as much love and care as two. However, Children do need both male and female rolemodles i.e. grandparents, aunts, friends ect.... (thebeautifuldreamer)
Actually, I am sorry to contradict you, thebeautifuldreamer, but the above opinion is not substantiated by any fact. It is a myth - and quite a strongly established one, too. Research as demonstrated that you are completely wrong about this. In reality, it is the exact opposite way - at least this is what I have learned throughout my various courses in my Family Life Education degree in Concordia University.
- Children need AS MANY responsible, caring, nurturing, attached ADULT role model as we can provide them while they grow up. Two is better than one, yet three would be better than two, and so on. These attached adults can be anyone, not just the biological parents, so long as they create real bounding relationship and act as models. Not "role" models - simply models.
- HOWEVER, none of these models needs be gender related. Everything you need to learn as a kid can be learned from ANY responsible and informed adult, regardless of gender. Research has demonstrated this fact over and over. More recently, several studies has consistently shown, for instance, that there is NO difference in the outcome from a child raised by two gay man, or by two lesbian woman, versus from a heterosexual couple. In fact, children who are consistently shown and taught how to bypass the society stereotypes have fared better in nearly all variables.
- Finally, the QUALITY of the attachment is what truly determines the outcome for a child development, as it has a much larger impact than quantity. In that regards, a father, such as the poster, who provides a nurturing environment, care, unconditional love, understanding and clear boundaries, who respect the child as much as he expects the child to respect himself, and teaches respect, ethics and self discipline through modeling, who acts as a mentor, a guide, and above all who can teach healthy communications, will provide a lot more for a kid than two parents who do not provide this kind of environment. And of course, this is equally true of a single mother providing the same environment.
There is of course, a gender component. And that component is that, sadly, in our current society, only very few adult can provide all of the above. Many men are stuck with the counterproductive "boy code" they learned, which prevent them from modeling acceptance of help, listening, expressing of emotions, and healthy communications to their kids. And many woman are stuck with their own gender stereotype so they have a harder time modeling assertiveness, productivity, etc. (although thankfully this is slowly changing nowadays). But I repeat - and the distinction is important - none of these important quality can only be taught to a kid from a single "role" and ALL of these qualities should be taught to every kids regardless of gender.
Now there is peace, love and happiness. I work, take care of the house, cook the food, change the diapers, wash the clothes, play cars with the boys and dolls with the girls. I provide love and disapline. When they are thirsty, hungry, sad, happy, confused or had a nightmare they come to me.
Kudos to you for all this, OP! This is great! Keep up the fantastic job you are doing. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/8/2009 11:10:34 PM | | I agree with what some of you have said.. .the big issue is having role models of both sexes. I use to think that they needed both but that is based on tradition and such. I now know that as long as they have both role models in their lives one parent can do just fine. It would be ideal for the child to have both.. but reality sometimes plays a different set of cards and things can work out just as well or better. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/9/2009 8:38:13 AM | SuperDad -
I left out one important instruction.
DONT ever say "Well, your mom loves you very much" to your kids. It's the worst lie you can tell them. If she loved em, she wouldnt have made the CHOICES she did that put her in jail and out of their lives. She would have CHOSEN them over her crap.
Make "I believe" statements of a philosophical nature, even if the subtext is a knock on her behaviors.
Example: Kid asks "How can mom do such and such"
well kid, I believe that when a responsible adult truly feels a certain way, they'll make choices that match the feeling. I cant speak FOR your mom, I know it hurts to be disappointed all the time. I KNOW you'll learn how NOT to behave when you're older from this experience.
It makes a value statement of right and wrong, acknowledges the kid's feelings as well as allowing the kid to feel.
Dont encourage a bond to a negative influence. Raise the bar for her to even see the kids. Be ever-vigilant about making them safe from the false-connection. she donated eggs, but abandoned her kids. Unforgiveable.
Hope her tubes are tied and she cant ruin any more. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/9/2009 9:28:01 AM | Thank you ALL for your contributions to this thread. This is what I was hoping to see. There just seemed to be to much negativity in the forums on single parents. I have a positive outlook on life and my kids lives. Any contribution that I can use to improve that is greatly appreciated and I'm sure that there are others that will feel better about the difficlt task at hand. I don't mind critasism as long as it is constructive. I will continue to do everything possible to improve mine and my kids lives.
This has been a very positive thread, thanks again. I'm sure there are others out there that will benefit from this!!!! | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/9/2009 9:54:59 AM | I was VERY concerned my daughter was growing up in a "world of women" and didn't want her to think of men as some foreign creatures or - even worse - as a separate species. What I wished for her was to reach adulthood with a healthy and happy perspective such that she would be able to have good friendships and capable of healthy attachments and connections such that she could relate well with men and have an amazing relationship.
How the heck do you do that when they are raised in an "artificial environment" of 'just me and mum'??
My answer was to deliberately try to ensure she had great male role models. Her hockey and soccer coaches - primarily male - were wonderful for her. I spoke to the school and they gave her male teachers whenever possible throughout elementary school (which translated into about a third of her teachers I think - much higher than the 'norm' experience).
She thrived in having their regard. She saw men are people - it was, I think, especially useful in seeing gruffer/louder/more abrupt speech patterns. It was valuable for her to experience male anger and see that it was not scary or awful, but just a different way of expressing emotion.
Edit to add: You know, one of the things that is quite extraordinary is to see her relationship with my sweetie developing; they are becoming very close as they figure each other out. For one thing, it is really GOOD for her to have someone right there to go b!tch about her mother, be listened to and valued. For another, just the change in dynamic is beneficial... the three of us, when it has mostly been just the two of us. He is giving her another safe person to bounce things off and, as he frequently has at least a slightly different 'take' on things than I do, it is good for her to see there is more than one pov for any given situation. Sometimes, when I drop the ball on something, he is there to pick it up or to remind me: "umm, the ball?". Sometimes she and I are having a disagreement and he hears both sides of it (poor guy, lol). Sometimes he reminds her that she's being unfair to her mother and sometimes he reminds me I'm being unfair to her. We've both benefited from that. It is really good for her to see a relationship working. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/9/2009 9:55:20 AM | Instead of answering the question of this thread with academic support, I'll let Time Magazine do the writing. That way it won't be so dryly written:
One caveat: This was written from the perspective of not having a father around. Some academics say having a father missing is different than having a mother missing. i.e. the outcome for children without a father is worse than the outcome for children missing their mother.
<div class="quote">Getting married for life, having children and raising them with your partner — this is still the way most Americans are conducting adult life, but the numbers who are moving in a different direction continue to rise. Most notably, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported in May that births to unmarried women have reached an astonishing 39.7%. (See pictures of love in the animal kingdom.)
How much does this matter? More than words can say. There is no other single force causing as much measurable hardship and human misery in this country as the collapse of marriage. It hurts children, it reduces mothers' financial security, and it has landed with particular devastation on those who can bear it least: the nation's underclass.
The reason for these appeals to lasting unions is simple: on every single significant outcome related to short-term well-being and long-term success, children from intact, two-parent families outperform those from single-parent households. Longevity, drug abuse, school performance and dropout rates, teen pregnancy, criminal behavior and incarceration — if you can measure it, a sociologist has; and in all cases, the kids living with both parents drastically outperform the others.
Few things hamper a child as much as not having a father at home. "As a feminist, I didn't want to believe it," says Maria Kefalas, a sociologist who studies marriage and family issues and co-authored a seminal book on low-income mothers called Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage. "Women always tell me, 'I can be a mother and a father to a child,' but it's not true." Growing up without a father has a deep psychological effect on a child. "The mom may not need that man," Kefalas says, "but her children still do."
This turns out to be true across the economic spectrum. The groundbreaking research on the effects of divorce on children from middle- and upper-income households comes from a surprising source: a Princeton sociologist and single mother named Sara McLanahan, who decided to study the fates of these children with the tacit assumption that once you control for income, being part of a single-parent household does not adversely affect kids. The results — which she published in the 1994 book Growing Up with a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps — were surprising. "Children who grow up in a household with only one biological parent," she found, "are worse off, on average, than children who grow up in a household with both of their biological parents, regardless of the parents' race or educational background."
The consequences for more-affluent kids tend to be far less devastating than for poor ones; they are less likely to become teenage parents and high school dropouts. But children of divorced middle-class parents do less well in school and at college compared with underprivileged kids from two-parent households. "There's a 'sleeper effect' to divorce that we are just beginning to understand," says David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values. It is an effect that pioneering scholars like McLanahan and Judith Wallerstein have devoted their careers to studying, revealing truths that many of us may find uncomfortable. It's dismissive of the human experience, says Blankenhorn, to suggest that kids don't suffer, extraordinarily, from divorce: "Children have a primal need to know who they are, to love and be loved by the two people whose physical union brought them here. To lose that connection, that sense of identity, is to experience a wound that no child-support check or fancy school can ever heal."
Put a Ring on It
That prompts the question, Does the father have to actually be married to the mother of his children to have a positive effect on them?
"Not if he behaves exactly like a married man," says Robert Rector, a senior research fellow of domestic policy at the Heritage Foundation. If a man is willing to contribute 70% of his income to the child's upbringing, dedicate himself around the clock to the child's well-being and create a stable home life — a home life that includes his actually living there with mother and child — he might be able to give his child the boon of fatherhood without having to tie the knot. But that rarely happens. When children are born into a co-habiting, unmarried relationship, says Rector, "they arrive in a family in which the principals haven't resolved their most basic issues," including those of sexual fidelity and how to share responsibilities. Let a little stress enter the picture — and what is more stressful than a baby? — and things start to fall apart. The new mother starts to make wifelike demands on the man, and without the commitment of marriage, he is soon out the door.
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1908243,00.html | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/9/2009 5:16:07 PM | Yes, you are giving your children what they need, however eventually the girls will need a lady role model for all those girly things.....unless your going to talk to them about bras, periods, tampons and safe sex... Your ex sounds like she has some issues she needs to work on, my advice is your doing a good job, but never let your kids hear you talk bad about their mother...everyone makes mistakes.
My ex and I have been seperated 5 years, but you know I could never of asked for a better father, He loves his girls, we get along better know then we ever did, Actually he is the one that got me into pof... it worked for him!!! | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/9/2009 6:13:36 PM | I don't think ids NEED 2 parents. I do a fantastic job all on my own.
I think it is an optimal situation to raise children in a house full of laughter and love, and I succeed without a man here. Much better without a man here truthfully. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/9/2009 7:28:48 PM |
Much better without a man here truthfully.
I'd like to think you mean "much better without the RIGHT man here truthfully". Too many single moms I know swear that they don't need a man in the house because the fathers of thier kids and any man they've ever dated have been losers and abusive and other negative things. I've been in that boat once, but after finding a wonderful man (two actually, but one passed away), I realize how much brighter and fuller and less hectic my life is having an amazing partner to share it with, and a man who my kids adore.
If your doing it alone and your happy, then all the power to you. You can't know something if you've never had it... and if you've never had a loving husband or father of your kids, then you don't know what yor missing. I'm not saying that your kids are better off with a man around, I'm almost certain that's not always the case. However, when you find that right person to share your life and the life of your kids with, you'll wonder how you ever did it before.
That's just my view on it. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/9/2009 8:30:13 PM |
I'd like to think you mean "much better without the RIGHT man here truthfully
Yes, you are right. I'm sure with the RIGHT man, life could only get better...but since I have yet to meet one I have to believe that this is the best it can get, and it's great already:) | |
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