| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:39:53 AM | Do you think at our age people are more prone to trying to make the shoe fit when in fact it does not..
I was surprised to find most of the men that listed they smoked did not.. Most said it was just a error and another told me that he put it because he smoked something else..
Then we get to animals only to find out they gave their's away due to wanting to travel so why in heavens name would you be interested in someone like me? Someone that is tied down with her animals and dedicated to improving a breed and showing.
Now we getting into free hours that are available for dating. He is free during the day while I am free after 5.
The list could get longer and believe me this is no pity thread I just wonder at times what are some people are thinking?
I do not believe you can fit a square peg into a round hole.. It seems we have two groups of people those who do not wish to try this and those who don't?
I thought only women thought they could change a man ( always a mistake in my books), perhaps men think likewise?
In closing have little doubt this may well get deleted like so many good threads are these days. One of the reasons I am less prone to write and have gone back to blogging.. It is a shame because a whole lot of topics were good ones.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:43:46 AM | | Meow, I think that people write what they want others to see, or think they "should" write, and not the truth about themselves. And that is sad.....be honest, tell the truth, and let the chips fall where they may... | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:57:16 AM | I love you, I love you, now change.....
Seems to be the mantra of so many people. Its frustrating. I, for instance: Smoke. It says so in my profile. Now what ends up happening, is: I meet someone and they don't smoke, so I start feeling "guilty?" about smoking. Its crazy! Don't get me wrong, I would love to want to quit smoking. But, so far it hasn't happened. I'm hoping I will want to quit someday.
My point Catsmeow is: I might have more motivation to quit should I become involved with someone who doesn't. Now, is that trying to make the "shoe fit"?
BTW: I'm using smoking as an example. I know I should quit for myself. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:05:04 AM |
Do you think at our age people are more prone to trying to make the shoe fit when in fact it does not..
Yes, and that's not always a bad thing and it shows some willingness to be flexible but it can clearly go too far as in someone changing their profile from smoker to non smoker just so they can contact you. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:06:41 AM | Maybe not a pity thread, but a vent anyway. You poor thing you've met incompatible people. Time to put on your big-girl panties and get over it.
Somebody who doesn't breed and show animals shouldn't put animals as an interest or important thing to them? Maybe they contribute to their local SPCA. In case you haven't noticed people show their interest/passion/advocacy in different ways. In fact a lot of animal lovers are against breeding anyway, does that mean they should not put animals as an interest because it doesn't mean what you think it should mean? | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:13:23 AM | ^^^Tass I do believe you missed the OP'S point, with respect to animals. If you read what she said, she wondered why someone would be interested in "her" if he gave his animal away to free up his time to travel? Our OP clearly does not have that kind of free time due to her breeding cats. Speaking of cats? Might I suggest you pull in your claws darlin?
I would like to think that if I met a man who didn't lead the same lifestyle as me, but was interested in perhaps adjusting a few things, same as I would for him, there is nothing wrong with that at all. Just shows a willingness to be compatible? | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:14:19 AM | In the teens and twenties, people are still essentially Play-doh... they are still experiencing things that will mold/shape the way they behave as adults.
In the thirties, the clay has stiffened a bit but can still have the general shape refined. We've generally become who we'll be, but are still willing to respond and adjust to other ideas.
But for the most part, once you clear your 40s, the clay is pretty hard, and there's not going to be too much change, save for a serious incident. We have become the "round holes" and the square pegs that come along make look nice, but it's up to us to admit - to ourselves and the others - that the square peg won't fit.
There's no excuse for "accidental misrepresentation" on POF. Yes, some of the data you enter must be edited within a short time frame or it becomes permanent, but anyone can easily edit their text to say "sorry, I missed the edit window regarding X, and I'm really Q." If someone's profile seems vague or overly general, then one should politely inquire for specifics before making a decision... there's a very polite way to do that - "Hi! I was reading your profile and was wondering if you could answer a question I have..." - anyone with some semblance of civility will answer such an inquiry just as politely.
If their answer shows the shoe won't fit, then you thank them for their time and move on. If their answer continues to exhibit generalities and misdirection, then you definitely move on. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:29:17 AM | Op, a friend of mine, when I asked if he would lie to me, said..."only if I have to".
I have found that when a male finds you of interest they will do everything in their power to get to know you...to some if that includes lying..they will do it. Does it make it right...no! Do all men do this ...no! The guy who told me that had made up another profile just to get to email me, then I had a restriction about how long an orginial email to me had to be...(reduces the fly by emails of no substance), he had to recompose his email...he said it took him 5 attempts to get an email to me. He put considerable effort in getting me to talk to him, .only months later did I find out what all he did.
And you can fit a square peg in a round hole if the round hole is big enough...so the bottom line for the right person to be in your life...how BIG are you willing to be...are you going to allow circumstances to stand in the way...will you open your horizons to meet someone you are interested in...or will you just stand by with a set zone and hope the right person just falls in your lap...
The way I see online dating is a big group of people TRY to put themselves out there but do so with so much shelter around them that the only way they will truly meet any one is if the person just falls from the sky...they list things that are really not important to the success of a relationship...they stand by their right to have a certain height, weight, job, kids, some wont get involved if they have never been married, others wont get involved if they have been divorced to many time...in other words we see the fluff about a person vs who they are and then we try to make that fluff fit. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:43:25 AM | Well, you can back right up to the sheer number of married or barely separated people who see no harm advertising themselves to single folk.
So much of this hope is pinned on "I know all common sense says otherwise, but I think you'll be swayed if you actually meet me ..."
I don't know the dating equivalent of "caveat emptor," but you get the point. :) | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:47:43 AM | My experience is that as we age, our feet have a tendency to grow some, and thus the dilemma of trying to fit a larger foot into a smaller shoe that no longer meets the needs of its purpose...... 
You have two choices in life when it comes to attire, and one is to evaluate it and update when needed, and the other is to hold on to everything and hope that you still fit into it when it comes back into style.......go figure....... 
OT.......Just in case one may not understand my comment, there are times when one should consider new shoes, or polishing the old ones while making sure that they still fit, and then there are times when shoes are not needed at all, and for me, those are the times I enjoy the most......
Just my opinion.......   | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:49:32 AM |
Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Well OP I find that the only pair of shoes that I feel comfortable in are my own. I suppose I could try and walk a mile in someone elses shoes to see if I like the fit..and visa versa...but ultimately we all prefer the way our own shoes have been worn in and moulded to a custom fit.
I ams who I ams. I am attracted to a man who is more interested in changing the world rather than ME. People are meant to be unique. Celebrate the differences! Who really wants a carbon copy of themselves? | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:49:59 AM |
Do you think at our age people are more prone to trying to make the shoe fit when in fact it does not..
I was surprised to find most of the men that listed they smoked did not.. Most said it was just a error and another told me that he put it because he smoked something else..
One big problem is that this site, like all others, has design parameters. It's kind of interesting to see how various sites handle the issues. I was recently reading Joel on Software, and he pointed out that social design is important, and small design decisions can make big effects.
Consider the smoking question. There's a big difference between "I don't smoke," and "I consider it my life's passion to stamp out smoking." You can't represent that in search parameters.
The craziest thing about this site is that you can only put one thing you are looking for. This is absurd, because how am I to know what role someone I haven't even met yet is going to play in my life, if any? So women put "long term" when they obviously date and refuse to accept mail from anyone looking for "intimate encounter" and then post messages about how their intimate encounters, which they go for in real life, become more like dating, which it turns out they don't really want.
So choices all become part of a strategy, which a) doesn't actually get what it is supposed to, and b) tends to gum up any kind of relationship, because strategies are for games. And then people say "no games," which is also a strategy, and game-players are preferentially attracted to it, because that's their strategy (which works a lot better), and so on and so forth. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:52:09 AM |
Do you think at our age people are more prone to trying to make the shoe fit when in fact it does not..
Nope; more like we didn't know what shoe fit before, so many of them looked/felt pretty good so cheerfully walked out of the store with them. Now our feet are more crotchety and it doesn't take long before the wrong shoe starts to hurt and we put it back on the shelf, go looking for a better fit. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:00:58 AM | I don't know that any of this means they are thinking they can change you. It sounds more like there are things they can overlook or simply have no problem with -- that you smoke, that you are dedicated to your animals, that you are only available after 5 p.m.
So what they are thinking is that your lifestyle does not present an obstacle to them or a reason not to approach you. They do not find these differences to be "deal breakers."
When you like someone, you do tend to work around certain things. Not change, exactly -- but accommodate. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:08:41 AM |
I don't know that any of this means they are thinking they can change you. It sounds more like there are things they can overlook or simply have no problem with -- that you smoke, that you are dedicated to your animals, that you are only available after 5 p.m.
So what they are thinking is that your lifestyle does not present an obstacle to them or a reason not to approach you. They do not find these differences to be "deal breakers." I agree. I would think the differences the OP brought up are the kinds of things that are dealbreakers for some but definitely not dealbreakers for others. If they're dealbreakers for you, that's ok, but it doesn't mean the other person is being disingenuous.
When you like someone, you do tend to work around certain things. Not change, exactly -- but accommodate. Yep. It's about being flexible and open to mutual accommodation, not finding someone who fits into my life exactly how it is right now. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:17:35 AM |
Meow, I think that people write what they want others to see, or think they "should" write, and not the truth about themselves. And that is sad.....be honest, tell the truth, and let the chips fall where they may...
The thing is where do they think this will possibly lead them? How long can they pretend to be someone they are not.. Also found they would try and match me with drinking as well. I drink socially and if I take a drink it maybe 6 months before I have I do it again. There is a bottle of wine in my fridge that has been there since 2006.. lol
Indeed let the chips fall where they may and be who you are.. If you truly are looking for someone to spend that last chapter with. I wonder if they are even thinking of that, or just thinking in the moment?
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:22:30 AM |
So what they are thinking is that your lifestyle does not present an obstacle to them or a reason not to approach you. They do not find these differences to be "deal breakers."
Well then why do some change their profile?
Secondly why would someone get rid of their pet if they intend to date someone with many?
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:23:49 AM |
Do you think at our age people are more prone to trying to make the shoe fit when in fact it does not..
I thought only women thought they could change a man ( always a mistake in my books), perhaps men think likewise?
Well, as I just had this experience, vis-a-vis, someone who wanted to fit himself into my life, despite the fact we had little to nothing in common. I don't think he was thinking he would change me, I think he was thinking he wanted a partner and was attracted to me and my lifestyle, and so would sort of pretend he could fit right into it when he really didn't. What I see are people who are not very willing to make any compromises, and those who are ready to go to great lengths so as not to be alone. Ms. Moon is correct: there should be some compromise, not turning someone away becasue they aren't just a perfect match, but not twisting ourselves into pretzels to be a match for someone else. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:28:43 AM | I guess thats why its taking me so long to find someone. I am not inclined to try to change someone.......trying to find a good "fit" takes time and effort.
As for the "social drinking".....thats what I have noted on my profile, yet I have a glass of wine with dinner, several times a week. But if I put that I >3 per week.....I sound like a lush! | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:32:33 AM |
Seems to be the mantra of so many people. Its frustrating. I, for instance: Smoke. It says so in my profile. Now what ends up happening, is: I meet someone and they don't smoke, so I start feeling "guilty?" about smoking. Its crazy! Don't get me wrong, I would love to want to quit smoking. But, so far it hasn't happened. I'm hoping I will want to quit someday.
My point Catsmeow is: I might have more motivation to quit should I become involved with someone who doesn't. Now, is that trying to make the "shoe fit"?
BTW: I'm using smoking as an example. I know I should quit for myself.
I have quit smoking for years and found I would fall back to it from time to time. So in my mind I will always consider myself a smoker for that reason. It is helpful though if you wish to quit to be around people that do not smoke. However you list yourself as a smoker so you should not feel guilty smoking if they do not.. At least you have the option of considering dating someone who is not a non smoker assuming they listed the truth.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:34:56 AM |
In fact a lot of animal lovers are against breeding anyway, does that mean they should not put animals as an interest because it doesn't mean what you think it should mean?
No nor did I say that? But certainly that type of person would not be at all interested in me who works hard trying to improve a breed!!!
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:42:03 AM |
Ms. Moon is correct: there should be some compromise, not turning someone away becasue they aren't just a perfect match, but not twisting ourselves into pretzels to be a match for someone else.
Knowing what areas one might be willing to compromise on is paramount. There are plenty of areas in my life that would be negotiable and others I will not bend on.
No one is ever going to be a perfect match, nor would I expect them to be.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:48:33 AM |
Maybe not a pity thread, but a vent anyway. You poor thing you've met incompatible people. Time to put on your big-girl panties and get over it.
Yes more like a vent certainly not a pity thread since I am the one that will point it out that they should find someone more compatible with them?
I am certainly over it and BTW don't have any big girl panties that will fit me.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:58:07 AM | "Well then why do some change their profile?
Secondly why would someone get rid of their pet if they intend to date someone with many?
thecatsmeoww "
To answer your first question, I've changed mine. I switched from long term to dating. I've also rewritten, expanded, and fine-tuned it many times. As for myself, I've come across many perfectly nice men who live in towns and cities, but that's not for me - I can't stand them. Even if I didn't have animals that require space, I still can't stand them. I grew up in a big city and if I'd never left, I might still be in one. But now that I know what it's like to live in the country, if I had to live in a city again for any reason, I'd probably just shoot myself and put myself out of my misery. To each their own.
As for the second, if someone told me that, I'd hang up on them and block their number. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 10:02:25 AM |
Well then why do some change their profile?
Secondly why would someone get rid of their pet if they intend to date someone with many?
I don't know why they would change their profile (re smoking, specifically). If they don't smoke, but don't mind that you do, it would be more normal to tell you that they don't smoke but don't mind that you do.
As for the pets, it could be that they love animals but do not want that responsibility for themselves. For example, I don't have a dog because I live in an apartment, so I can't just open the door and let the dog out into the yard. Yes, I could take the dog for walks, and I wouldn't mind doing that, but when I think about doing it several times a day, even if I'm sick or have a broken leg or for whatever other reason I might wish I didn't have to walk the dog -- well, I have decided that it's best for me not to have a dog, since I live alone and there would be no one around to take the dog out if I were not able to. But I wouldn't feel I wasn't compatible with a man because HE had dogs. I like it when a man has a dog, or even several dogs. And in fact, I would be more than happy to share the dog-walking duties. Just wouldn't want the responsibility to be all mine. And I would find it odd if a man who had dogs felt I was incompatible just because I don't have any. | |
|
Home
login 
