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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?      Home login  
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 looking4my1love
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 1
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
OK, I have been with a man for 1 1/2 years (married 7 months) and believe with all my heart he is my soul mate.

But, he did leave about a month ago. Since then we have been talking, though. He even brought his clothes back home this past weekend. But, then this morning he tells me he believes I am not the one for him because I do not approve of him smoking pot. He had quit before I met him, but he expresses now that he wants to take the habit back up.

I feel betrayed by him. I feel he will be breaking a wedding vow in the sense that he was to cherish me. I feel he is not cherising me and respecting me if he takes up smoking pot again knowing how I feel about drug use.

I feel I cannot lower my morals for him, but he says if I love him unconditionally, then I would accept him no matter what, including smoking pot. Otherwise, I should count on our marriage coming to an end, he said.

To me, this pain I feel from losing my marriage over pot feels just as bad to me as when I lost my first marriage because my previous husband cheated on me.

Should I stick to my morals and allow this marriage to dissolve? Or should I stick with this man through 'better or worse' as I promised in our wedding vows?
 ProcolHarem
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 2
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Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:28:57 PM
He chose pot over you. He needs help. If he refuses help, dump him!
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 3
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:31:38 PM

he says if I love him unconditionally, then I would accept him no matter what, including smoking pot. Otherwise, I should count on our marriage coming to an end, he said.

He's a hypocrite - and manipulating you.
 I am LLR
Joined: 5/7/2009
Msg: 4
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:38:19 PM
Oh, my. He would choose smoking pot over you and your marriage? He expects you to overlook your morals and values so he can toke up? Clearly he doesn't value you or your marriage like he should.

Would a compromise work? What if he doesn't smoke up around you? Would that be okay with you, or is it the simple fact that he would be doing it all that you are opposed to? Is his pot-smoking a deal-breaker for you? Since he has basically given you an ultimatum, it's clear where he stands.

I'm sorry, but no one can tell you what to do in this instance. You need to look inside yourself and ask yourself some hard questions, decide what you can and cannot tolerate without compromising your own values and morals. You're the only one who can make that decision for yourself.
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 5
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:39:08 PM
Welcome to what used to be my world, looking. While I understand you cherish and value the vows the two of you took, your position regarding them will not improve your marriage cuz the other poster is right -- He is choosing the chemical over you. And I don't say this lightly cuz I really don't have an issue with pot and support its legalization. It is the addict mentality and narcissism your husband is blatantly exhibiting which should have you running for the hills and a divorce attorney. I would recommend couples' counseling but the marriage will not benefit from it if your husband will not address his addiction. Get thee to an Alanon meeting.

You may benefit from people telling you how much worse worse can get. Like when you're facing homelessness, joblessness, bankruptcy, losing custody of children, and doing without necessities... all because his selfish need (which he'll call a "choice" or "want... but I don't HAVE to have it") came first... before you, before kids, before his job, before ANY responsibility.
 MakikiMan
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 6
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Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:41:49 PM
My first thought is what are you doing here? In your post you say you are still married, yet your profile says you are divorced... That right there (in my mind) says you're not being honest. My second thought is that you are obviously not ready to find a LTR as you are here asking us about accepting your husbands choice to smoke pot. If he really loved you and was serious about the marriage, pot would not be an issue. It's just a lousy excuse he's using to justify his actions. Babe... take some time to heal before you come here looking for a LTR. You're still emotionally involved with him... Do you really expect any of us guys to want a LTR with you? Sorry Babe, but the truth is you shouldn't be worried about the pot... you need to get your marriage fixed or ended... Take time to get over it all and get your head on straight, THEN perhaps you can come back here and BE HONEST! Good luck to you Sweetie....!
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 7
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:44:10 PM
OP: He left a month ago because of his smoking or another issue?
 Shaitan
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 8
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:45:20 PM
You need to run, fa fa away... Trust me on this!!!

^T^
 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 9
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:48:31 PM
ugh. there are so many things wrong with this picture i don't even know where to start.

1. he's your soul mate, but he left you 6 months into your marriage.
2. he has a habit that you strongly disapprove of, but you married him anyway. because... let me guess.. he's your soul mate (??)
3. you married each other in spite of your fundamentally differing values, and now he can't/won't break a habit that he said he would break for the sake of your marriage.
4. you have morals against smoking pot, but presumably, none whatsoever about drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes. (??) if so the logic (such as it is) underlying your moral values is fundamentally out of whack.
5. the phrase "unconditional love" was uttered by at least one of the parties with a straight face.

do you see where i'm going with this? since you're already married i think it would behoove the both of you to work it out and find out what kind of a compromise can be made. this is what happens in marriage.... problems arise and then you compromise. as it stands now, you're both issuing ultimatums and drawing lines in the sand, in which case the bitter end of your sacred vows is nothing but the inevitable waiting to happen. so much for soul mates & unconditional love.

EDIT:
When he left over a month ago, the daughter of a friend of his was texting him dirty pictures.


whoa nelly!!! so are you saying you hardly batted an eye at this except to call it "inappropriate" and then fixated on the pot habit instead? WOW. hellooooooooooooooo

what else are you not telling us?
------------------------------------------------------
the fact that your husband stormed out when you said getting dirty pictures from the daughter of a friend was "inapprorpiate", is an actual shock to the conscience. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER HE WAS "PRETENDING" TO BE ANGRY ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE OR NOT. i am gobsmacked that you appear to be oblivous to the stark reality that this man is a twisted pervert and this relationship is toxic inside and out.

T.H.E. E.N.D.!
 looking4my1love
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 10
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:48:43 PM
Please understand that I do have a post on here, but I have had it hidden and unavailable for viewing since before I married this man (when I was indeed divorced). I came back to pof today only to asking for advice on this forum. Thank you for the reply.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 11
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Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:48:50 PM
Is it just me? I find it odd that he left you a month ago, but you've been on here for 3 months with the user name of "looking4my1love ". While I wouldn't want to be with a regular pot smoker there are bigger problems in your marriage. I think you need to take a hard look at your life and get some personal help.

Edit: Look looking4my1love, we know you are full of it about having been on here before you married because the date you actually did join POF is underneath your picture when someone posts.
 rune3
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 12
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:49:43 PM
It's not an easy choice, but you did not marry a pot-smoker, he turned into one.
If you don't want to be married to a pot-smoker, I don't see why you should.
People draw the lines in different places by there is always some behaviour that would make marriage to that person unacceptable -- perhaps you could develop a new habit, to balance his, an addiction to shopping, or cosmetic surgery, or learning to play the violin between the hours of 3am and 6am. What, wouldn't he accept that?

There will be things you could do that he would find unacceptable. In principle, I agree with you that he has broken his vow because he does not care how you feel. In reality, he's an addict and can't help himself. He could seek professional help, but if he won't, and you hate the pot smoking that much, I think you should find out about divorce, as painful as that may seem.

This is not "better or worse", in my opinion, a couple striving together through the trials that life throws at them: this is him choosing to inflict suffering upon you and not caring about it. I think it's wrong, and I don't think you should accept it, even if he cannot help himself, due to the addiction.
 looking4my1love
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 13
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:52:53 PM
He left a month ago because of another issue, I think. When he left over a month ago, the daughter of a friend of his was texting him dirty pictures. I felt it was inappropriate and when I told him this he became so angry, he left. But, if the truth be known, I have a feeling the real reason he left was because he didn't know how to tell me he wanted to smoke pot. He used the discussion over the dirty pictures as an excuse. This is what I believe, but I honestly cannot be sure.
 farceur
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 14
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:53:23 PM
Since it's a moral issue and not a practical one, you have no choice because you can't abandon your morals. You might review your moral stance against pot smoking and see if it remains true for you, but assuming it does, you're stuck with it. Morals only work if you don't set them aside.

It's hard for me to imagine pot smoking being immoral, but for you it is, and so you have some way of understanding it that makes sense to you. You can try explaining the reason, let him decide if he agrees with your reason, sort of convert him or persuade him to accept the rightness of your view. He may agree, or not.

It's easier for me to imagine pot smoking being an unwanted influence on his state of mind, your life together, a health risk, a bad smell, and a danger to your supply of snack foods. Pot smoking does come with all kinds of associated things to deal with. To be unhappy about that is a perfectly understandable reaction. Some people like the pot smoking life, and some don't.

The moral question that is related is the one about keeping the marriage vow. That's a bigger problem than drug use/abuse. He promised he would stay with you and do right by you. Now he is saying he wants to smoke pot and will end the marriage over it. That ultimatum is a breech of a moral promise. He's being immoral by giving you the ultimatum.

You're under no moral obligation to accept his ultimatum. You agreed to a marriage without pot smoking. You're all for keeping that marriage going. He's trying to apply your vow to a marriage you never agreed to and that you expressly forbade.

I'd give him the choice and let him decide. He might just need to learn to be happy without smoking pot. If he puts his mind to it, he can. But if he decides he would rather smoke, then you're not losing someone you could be with anyway.
 iTsMeJuLi
Joined: 10/27/2008
Msg: 15
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:53:32 PM
Oh my, I can smell it from here. There's more to this story than the OP has told us. Just look at the pictures and profile. hmmmm

Knew him for a year, married for about 6 months, he left a month ago and now he wants to return if he can keep smoking pot.

Wow...OP what is the rest of the story?
 bluesandrock
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 16
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:55:29 PM
You do not have to accept anything you do not want to.

I want to say the issue of pot is irrelevant and you should be focusing on the other reason(s) why your husband left. BUT. Yes there is a but. Since your husband gave an ultimatum, he has made pot the issue. If you give in on this issue that is against your morals, what other issues are you going to give into when he delivers another ultimatum? Because if you give in on this, it is likely he will start pushing other issues you have to "accept" if you love him unconditionally.
 ~Hello~
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 17
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:57:15 PM

Please understand that I do have a post on here, but I have had it hidden and unavailable for viewing since before I married this man (when I was indeed divorced). I came back to pof today only to asking for advice on this forum. Thank you for the reply.


?? umm... so if this "post" of yours was up while you were "divorced" .. "before" you married "this man" .. why does it say right under your pic that you joined in Jun of 09? And .. why (after cowgirl outted you) did you change your info to non smoker and non drinker????

Your "post" as you call it CAN be viewed by anyone signed in to the forums.

So, just curious .. which one of you is smoking the pot and which is drinking?? And what was your question again?
 MakikiMan
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 18
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Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:01:36 PM
I'm sorry I made the wrong assumption, thank you for clarifying!! But the fact is that it appears either we are not being told everything... Did he honestly leave for month just because you have an issue with his pot smoking? I can't tell you what goes on in his head, but I am an expert on what goes on in mine. I smoke pot occasionally, and I would never lie to anyone about it. I'm not ashamed of it, and I see nothing wrong with it... UNLESS it is being relied on. Pot is habitual, not addictive. And if the woman I love has moral issues over it, I would quit smoking it no questions asked... but that's just me. I still think there aqre other issues at play here...
 rune3
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 19
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:01:51 PM

the daughter of a friend of his was texting him dirty pictures. I felt it was inappropriate and when I told him this he became so angry, he left
Wow.... you are too right that's inappropriate. I think this is far more concerning than the pot smoking. I'm sorry you married someone who wasn't honest with you about who they really were. Don't feel bad about it not working out -- it would have worked, no doubt, if he had been even half decent, but it really doesn't sound as though he was.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 20
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Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:04:35 PM
Did he originally quit for you? You have really not been together that long if this behavior is so shocking to you, because addicts routinely fall back on old habits. How long did he quit for?
Smoking pot is not like Golf, most people will not find it acceptable. He is choosing drugs over you, which tells me his vows were never too important to him to begin with. You can either look the other way and encourage him to seek help or walk away. But I would guess he is smoking again because all his friends do and he really likes it!

PS: He likes looking at naughty pictures of teenagers too. Not a good man for you.
 looking4my1love
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 21
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:07:56 PM
The information in my post is old information. I'm sorry if it has confused some of you. I have never changed my information, so whatever this is about changing my info to read nonsmoker and nondrinker is not right. I am a nonsmoker and nondrinker, period.

I was hoping to get some constructive advice about this issue between me and my husband.

Any advice is appreciated. thank you.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 22
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:08:11 PM
Obviously you are both incompatible. The problem is not that someone smokes pot, or smokes cigarettes or drinks, its that he uses that as the reason for leaving. That is a serious issue and you should not tolerate it.
 looking4my1love
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 23
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:12:09 PM
He did not originally quit for me. He quit before he and I met for himself, he said, so he could get a good job and pass the drug test. He has been quit for over 1 1/2 years.

Thank you for all the encouraging advice.
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 24
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:14:23 PM
Gotta love it when this comes from a profile that reads "Divorced" and "seeking long term"

Trying to defend your views with things like morals or standards. WTF?
He's not what ? Are you honoring and obeying? I think not as you type away seeking a man to further your already dramatic life claiming to be divorced while you are still very married and going back and forth about returning to the relationship!

The first page of the bible talks about there was herb yielding seed. So go home call him up and have him come over and smoke a blunt with you. You tell him about your profile on here and he'll tell you why he wants to smoke pot.

See if pot is remains the reason he's leaving!
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 25
Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:16:19 PM
IMO; He is not your soul mate if you two are not on the same page, and in agreement with this. Unless he's using this as an excuse to get out of the marriage (another issue) or his pot smoking is more important to him than what he has with you.

If he has an addiction then he's been in denial, and as most of us know an addict will put precedence on his choice of drug above ALL.

We cannot tell you if you should be accepting of him/his pot smoking. ONLY you can determine this.

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