| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:08:11 PM | Hey,
I have recently met this girl and we have been dating for 2 months. Sometimes everything seems to be great. I like her, my family likes her and my friends who she has met like her.
The problem I am having is that occasionally she will say or do something that offends me.
An example being, that she talks about personal issues (bedroom related) with a guy who works in our organisation. I caught a glimpse of a text she received from him which was included things about what we had/had not done. I feel extremely uncomfortable about this and it really gets to me.
Another example is, she mentions the fact that she talks to guys all the time and that a few guys have even asked her out recently. In reference to the guys who have asked her out - she doesn't appear to mention this in a way which shows she is only trying to be honest with me. It is as if she enjoys being asked out and she enjoys the attention guys give her. But what is worse, it is as if she enjoys telling me about it all.
I guess the problem I am having is that I am becoming quite insecure and jealous and it is getting me down a little bit recently. I know the common advice is communication, but I really don't think I am able to have that sort of conversation with her just yet.
Has anyone got any advice? | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:13:00 PM | I think she's trying to incite your jealousy... though I'm not sure why exactly. I would highly recommend that you sit down and explain to her that it's not really appropriate to discuss personal things with co-workers such as your sex life and that flirting with the guys is also unacceptable.
Be prepared for an argument to stem from this, most people that try to incite jealousy and constantly flirt with others tend to not see how they're behaving and will lay the blame for your feelings on you...
You might also want to be prepared to walk away if things don't improve... unfortunately, that's also a very real possibility. | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:16:45 PM | OP, your on here on a dating site looking for other women to apparently talk to so why are you allowed to talk to other women, but she can't chat with other guys? It's funny that guys think it's okay for them but not for their girlfriend. | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:17:10 PM | | About a month ago she went on holiday with her friends to Spain. When she came back she was telling me all about it and she mentioned this girlfriend and boyfriend (couple) they met over there. But for some reason, she decided to tell me all about how jealous the girlfriend got about the amount of time her boyfriend spent around her. | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:18:06 PM | Dating, like are you exclusive or are you just casual dating?
If you are exclusive, you should sit down and talk to her about it. If you are casually dating, well - not sure she has an obligation of any kind to stop. Certainly though she should not be including you in her discussions with others - that is just flat out rude. | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:22:38 PM | In my experience I have found that people tend to act in ways like that in response to their own insecruities. It is quite possible that she is unsure of where she stands in her relationship with you, and in order to assure herself that she is desirable and wanted she has to convince herself that she is sexually desirable and has numerous options for relationships. It may be time to have a conversation about how you feel about her, and where the relationship is at so that she can feel secure about the relationship. This may help, but not knowing her I may be way off base.
Good luck! | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:22:51 PM |
I guess the problem I am having is that I am becoming quite insecure and jealous and it is getting me down a little bit recently. I know the common advice is communication, but I really don't think I am able to have that sort of conversation with her just yet.
So, you can do "bedroom related things with her", but you can’t TALK to her “just yet”? | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:26:14 PM | | I would read her the riot act. Dude she's either your friend/mate or not. Since you're both young, she's obviously not taking your relationship seriously, she can flirt and go elsewhere, and is throwing it in your face.....talking about you intimate relations with other guys is a massive violation, I would boot her to the curb for that alone.....ask her which is it going to be, good luck to you. | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:29:18 PM | No im not. I know I should - but i really dont feel comfortable about doing it.
There's really not much that can be said then. I'm a little torn about one issue you brought up, and that was in regards to her babbling about your privately shared intimacies with others. That would annoy me about someone. On the other hand, it seems that you were "nosy" in how you discovered this. That kind of annoys me, too.
The impression I got about her from your post is that she seems to be a bit of a boundary-less babbler, and someone who just seems rather intuitively oblivious about those intimate codes-of-conduct a reasonable person might hope to expect in another, at least as concerns yourself.
Either that, or she does have a bit of the femme-fatale element to her, and you are allowing yourself to become a victim of it soon into your relation. In any case, the good thing about this is that you've recognized it early. Now it's up to you to deal with it as understandingly and proactively as possible.
What more can be said? | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:29:43 PM | | She set a trap and you got caught. She tells you all the details with other guys because she is insecure and wanna makes you jealous ...not an unusual case at all You can here this kind of story everywhere. Why don't you just tell her that how you feel whenever she tells you this and you don't wanna hear about it all? | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:32:07 PM | | I agree with Frau Blucher... How is it possible that you two can get all busy under the sheets, but you can't have an important meaningful conversation with her? This is a perfect example of why two people should not be intimate without first being in love... but hey, to each their own. I would have trouble being involved with a woman who feels the need to share our intimacy details with guy friends at work. That would be totally disrespectful and I'd send her to the curb where she belongs. What we do in the privacy of our bed is between she and I.. I would never discuss such matters with anyone without her knowledge AND approval. It's called respecting your woman... and it works both ways. She's playing childish games... you want that in a relationship? If not, tell her straight up "Knock it off"... set your boundries and enforce them. Be a man... | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:33:31 PM | ~OP~ If you aren't comfortable talking honestly and openly with her about sex, why no earth are you comfortable being naked with her? That's seems rather paradoxical to me. But then again? I feel communication is the ONLY way to a happy, healthy, fulfilling, exciting sex life. Maybe she's just as frustrated as you by this, but chooses to talk to real live people vs. strangers on a free dating site????? JMO  | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:37:42 PM |
The problem I am having is that occasionally she will say or do something that offends me.
That will happen with anyone and everyone...
On reading your specific examples, I suspect that what may be happening here is not an attempt to make you jealous, but rather, your girl is failing to take into account that men are not women, and talking to your colleague and you as if you were her girlfriends.
So you absolutely must tell her that these things bother you, and IMO it would not be unreasonable to tell her you need her to stop it.
But do your best to be gentle and calm, as she does not know that you are upset! It is likely to come as a hurtful and confusing shock to her. My guess is that you are hiding this pretty thoroughly, and she thinks things are going swimmingly and loves having a boyfriend to whom she can talk about anything, just like with her girlfriends. If that is accurate, she may be quite stunned and sad to find how wrong her unconscious assumptions were. | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:39:12 PM | I agree that she is attempting to make you jealous. Some people need the validation that they are attractive.. in a way she's giving you the message 'oh look how lucky YOU are to have ME, cause EVERYONE wants ME'.
Its immature, thats the bottom line. However it is causing you agnst, the situation will not improve until you say something to her. Or you have to change the way that you react and perhaps ignore her completely when she behaves in this way. In saying that you give her loads of attention when she's not being childish.
Ignore the negative, reward the positive.
Good luck | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:39:31 PM | "It's funny that guys think it's okay for them but not for their girlfriend"
Sorry to say but that is a 2 way street. It isn't just GUYS that do it. I get so sick and tired of one gender accusing the other when it is both genders who are guilty about what ever the accused is.
As far as the OP goes, dude you have to talk to her yesterday. I am at the very beginning of getting to know someone, and one thing I like about her is she's coming out and telling me things that she is not comfortable with, all non sexual. We haven't gone there. YET!!!!.
So if she is communicating with me already about things I am liking how communication will be down the road once we get there.
So ball up and talk to her or you'll only get more discouraged. | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:41:23 PM | | I've been with a woman who also needed this kind of constant validation of her desirability by flirting with men/boys. I pretty much blew it off as none of them were really my competition...but yes, I know, it gets old quickly and I eventually had to stand on my displeasure of her actions. It stopped for a time but she only came back with an equally annoying substitute; eject, delete, cancel, no time for nonsense like that. You've got to speak up and tell of how much you're bothered by this behaviour. Likely it won't stop unless you call her on it. If not, she may be just testing you to see where the limits are and I believe if she gets too much of a pass on this, she may just lose respect for you feeling you're kinda of a doormat. | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:41:57 PM |
~OP~ If you aren't comfortable talking honestly and openly with her about sex, why no earth are you comfortable being naked with her? That's seems rather paradoxical to me. - c'mon Green thats easy, he's 23! Anybody can hump around, but mature convo at that age? They don't know how to yet..... | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:42:26 PM | Just to respond to a few questions...
The 'bedroom' related issue that she is talking to others about is the fact that I do not want to sleep with her yet. Its not a case of getting busy under the sheets, it is just a preference I have.
In response to how I saw her message, I was not snooping or anything. I was led down with her when she received the text. Automatically I glanced to what it said - I didnt mean to be intrusive or anything. I dunno if she knows that I saw it or not though.
Finally, in response to the issue about me coming on here. I used to have an account and remembered this site had a forum. I just wanted someone to ask advice to, not to 'chat with other girls'. | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 3:21:49 PM |
The 'bedroom' related issue that she is talking to others about is the fact that I do not want to sleep with her yet.
This is what you originally wrote…
…text she received from him which was included things about what we had/had not done.
I did not say you were engaging in coitus; I used the same term you did, “bedroom related”. The above says she’s sharing intimate details with her man mate about bedroom related things you two HAD DONE, as well as what you hadn't done yet. So, my advice stills stands. If you can do SOMETHING in the bedroom with her, then you should be able to TALK TO HER; if you deem her worthy of meeting your family, then you should be able to TALK to her; if you consider what you have a "relationship” then you have to TALK TO HER. | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 3:41:14 PM | Why do people always try to fix lame relationships? Especially at a young age.
Simple simple solution. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable, and you consider it disrespectful. She's allowed to disagree. (Personally, if my bf was doing what she's doing I wouldn't be bothered). Either she changes her behavior or she doesn't. You then either decide if you're willing to keep her anyways- which means you're not allowed to whine or be bothered by this behavior, or ditch her because you won't tolerate the behavior.
Anything else means you have no self respect- in which case I'd say any and all relationships are doomed. | |
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| I am having a few issues with my girlfriend
Posted: 9/10/2009 3:56:46 PM | For me the first issue would be *very serious* as I am a pretty private person; I would show her some tough love so that she knows not to do it ever again. Since you say you feel extremely uncomfortable too, that's something you should bring up and make clear that you will not tolerate it in the future.
For the second, if you're sure she's not reciprocating the attention she gets, don't lose any sleep it. She's trying to make you jealous, that's normal if she's still into you. When she mentions something related, you can either play it down (e.g. change the subject "oh really? Cool... so did I tell you what my dog did yesterday ?") or use a little reverse psychology to show you're secure and confident (like "oh really ? Was the guy cute ? You should have banged him right there and then, maybe he was The One!"... she'll probably laugh, hit you playfully and jump on you on the spot) .
I guess the problem I am having is that I am becoming quite insecure and jealous and it is getting me down a little bit recently. I know the common advice is communication, but I really don't think I am able to have that sort of conversation with her just yet.
And you think right. Actually, it's never a good time to discuss with her about your being insecure (except for making it easy for her to break up). Your insecurity is your problem; you should sort it on your own and by talking to (reliable) friends, not with her. | |
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