| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/10/2009 11:06:37 PM | I'm just a little shy of the 45 year old mark, so I hope it's okay I post this. If not I presume it will be deleted...
I've been wondering if, overall, we do this thing differently than younger people. That is the multiple dates without sex. Or with sex I guess.
In my book dating more than one person at a time is just that: DATING. And ONLY dating. Not sex. Am I so unusual in thinking there is nothing wrong with dating a couple guys at the same time, but not having sex with either of them? Meaning that there is no sex going on with me and anyone else, until the point we have the "mutually exclusive" talk. At that point I let the other guy go and just see the one guy. And have great sex of course!
I'm not saying anyone else's rules dictate what I do, but I DO like to hear other people's opinions on this, especially if the vast majority of people my age assume I'm NOT going on dates with a different guy. It seems ridiculous for me to preface my dates by saying "you do realize I'm having dinner tomorrow with a different guy I'm dating." That would be stupid. But the alternative is to just do it, as I'm my own person, and say nothing. Saying nothing until something gets a little more serious with a guy.
I have no problem at all if a guy I'm dating is seeing other women. As long as he's not screwing them. If he's having sex then I'm out of the picture.
What does a guy in his 40's think about this? Do you think our age comes into play on this issue? I think it does, but I could be wrong. I think the difference, when it comes to age, is that we've mellowed with our exclusivity and have room to give some space to the people we date. i.e. we're not 19 year old children who just can't LIVE without their date/boyfriend/FWB, etc. | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/10/2009 11:28:11 PM | It IS just that.. DATING.
There IS nothing wrong with DATING multiple men. Same as a guy DATING multiple women.
The "mutually exclusive" talk is twofold.. First it is about social dating. but generally exclusivity is about sex. "the talk" is usually right before the first sex.. but definitely right during the "afterglow".. unless he was just a stress relief.
Regarding being accountable to guy1 about your next evening's plans.. unless he has initiated "the talk" with you about HIS expectations, you have NO obligation to tell him a damn thing.
Yes.. say NOTHING
You should have no problem with him screwing other women, until he is screwing you AND you have had "the talk" with no "talk" there are no REASONABLE expectations
If you want more info from my point of view.. email me. I AM a guy over 40 who KNOWS | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/10/2009 11:37:47 PM | Seems reasonable, what you're doing. A date is simply a shared activity between people sizing each other up for romance. After the initial meet, we're supposed to know whether someone "does it" for us or not, and cut them loose if not- but we don't live in a perfect world, and needing a couple of dates to gauge potential or interest is giving anyone a fair shot. Dating several people without sex is the bare minimum respect that should be given to others. Where is the line drawn, though? If you are playing a little grab ass and some tonsil hockey with several, if not all- would this be ok for everyone involved?
Obviously you are relying on the honour system for people to be open enough to admit what their "intimacy level" is with other people. I'm not that optimistic. Tough sell job to get everyone on board with dating one person at a time. Sure would be simpler, though | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/10/2009 11:41:20 PM | | Actually OP....I agree with half of what you're saying. The only difference for me is that I'm just not good at 'multitasking'. I've not really been in a situation where I would date two or more women at the same time for weeks or however, and then pick door number one, two or three while Monty Hall asks if I want what's in his pocket instead. I'm usually pretty one on one. But I know fairly early enough now if I want to pursue anything further even after a few dates. And after that, I STILL wait on the 'sex' part if there finally is a 'chemical reaction' with one. I'm actually corny enough to think the 'twenty date rule' from the 40 Year Old Virgin as actually being a REALLY GOOD IDEA. The problem with that is, that most of the women I know at my age are having their reproductive organs being in hyperestrogen mode before FINAL COUNTDOWN, that often times, they actually become irritable nags only interested in sex....and if I don't put out as fast as they want me to.....well.....something must be desperately wrong with....ME. Whatever..... I think you're just fine in how you're approaching it though. | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 1:14:31 AM | there's no way you're going to know if a guy you're just dating is screwing around with other women or not....
for sure you can ask him.....
but unless he is honest....and how do you know that?
he won't tell you the truth.
that unfortunately is what happens when you're dating....
especially multiple dating.
you have to rely upon trust.
i'm not good with multi relationships.....
so i date.....
but i don't screw around. | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 3:13:04 AM | I love this thread!
I am dating "multiples" at this point in my life. Why? Because one guy only sees me when he feels like it. The other one is screwed up over his ex. One of them: I have no idea what he's doing......
They are all great guys! (wish I was being sarcastic)
Why on earth would I commit to exclusivity with someone who has issues?
Don't get me wrong: I would love to have a relationship with someone who is "ready", so far..hasn't happened!
BTW: I think at this point "sex" is irrelevant
I can't wait to see responses to this thread!
L | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 3:41:30 AM | don't you just love the dating game?
i don't use names any more.....
in case i forget theirs'.....
or worse still.....
call them by the wrong name......
because i'm a talker.....
.....that's another reason i don't screw around..... | |
|
| |
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 4:32:00 AM |
I've been wondering if, overall, we do this thing differently than younger people. That is the multiple dates without sex. Or with sex I guess.
It's no different. For most women (just like with you), the whole idea of "exclusive" comes about when sex/intimacy enters the picture.
I have no problem at all if a guy I'm dating is seeing other women. As long as he's not screwing them. If he's having sex then I'm out of the picture.
Sorry sweetheart, you can't have your cake and eat it too... if you aren't exclusively dating a guy, then what he does and doesn't do is absolutely none of your business. You are just a date. | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 5:13:37 AM | What is the point of "dating"?
If you are in it for variety of experiences and a good time only, then go for it, but do not be the slightest bit surprised if you find out the the guy is finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and that he drops you after a relatively few dates.
I would think that "dating" on a site like this means searching for a possible sexual partner, and during that process you very likely have to date quite a few candidates.
Really, there are "friends" and "activity partner" categories if all you want is a companion to do things with. If you are 45+ and still hung up about sex like you were in High School, you really are not doing anyone any favours by claiming to be looking for a date. | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 5:31:13 AM |
Sorry sweetheart, you can't have your cake and eat it too... if you aren't exclusively dating a guy, then what he does and doesn't do is absolutely none of your business. You are just a date.
Only this? I first read your post incorrectly. I thought you meant that once sexual with someone, it was ok for them to also be sexual with others! My bad! lol...
But after re-reading, I see your point. If you are dating multiples but not engaging in a sexual rendesvous with them, then if they in fact are having relations with someone else, it should not be your issue. I would hope that once sex enters the picture, that both parties would refrain from doing the same with others. I had a question though? If you do have sex with someone of interest, and you go out and date others, without the sex, is that ok? So many questions, so little time!  | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 5:34:45 AM |
In my book dating more than one person at a time is just that: DATING. And ONLY dating. Not sex. Am I so unusual in thinking there is nothing wrong with dating a couple guys at the same time, but not having sex with either of them? Meaning that there is no sex going on with me and anyone else, until the point we have the "mutually exclusive" talk. At that point I let the other guy go and just see the one guy. And have great sex of course!
This is very normal and Iwill also date a few people from time to time.. However usually it is just a coffee meet or one date.. I can usually figure out by then if perhaps we have enough in common to continue.. So I do not date a few for very long at all. You can assume they are doing likewise and need not tell them anything.
I do not think I would date a man that was sexually involved with someone else either..Why in heavens name would he be dating me? I would question just where he is coming from and consider him not a good bet.
Once in an intimate relationship I would consider it exclusive but you are wise to have the talk first because they may not feel likewise..
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 5:38:53 AM |
I would think that "dating" on a site like this means searching for a possible sexual partner, and during that process you very likely have to date quite a few candidates sense.
So are you saying she should be having sex with them all? | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 5:47:39 AM |
So are you saying she should be having sex with them all?
Not at all. She should manage her sex life as she sees fit. I am only saying that if you are not looking for a sexual partner, then its not dating in the sense I think it is used here.
I also think it somewhat inevitable when looking for a sexual partner that you eventually end up going for a few road tests before something permanent clicks. You can find a person quite enthralling and still end up discovering that they are not sexually pleasing, at least that has been my experience. The reverse is also quite true. You can find a wonderful sexual connection with a person who is totally unsuitable in other ways.
I know of no solution to these problems other than "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!" | |
|
| |
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 4:10:55 PM | Oh, daffie, I know you're from down under, but you don't have to be backwards as well (leave that to us hicks from the sticks - who don't know from outhouses) and get yourself one of then new fangled devices called an iPhone - you can talk and keep track of your dates (and their names) all in one teeny device. There's also Blackberries, and my fav - generic PDAs. I've got a Palm t/x . works great. Uses less juice than my own brain, too.
Just helpin'
TK
{use to use birch bark and mah Arkansas Toothpick, but gave that up after that last run in with them beavers. hoo wee!} | |
|
| |
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:20:43 PM |
If you are in it for variety of experiences and a good time only, then go for it, but do not be the slightest bit surprised if you find out the the guy is finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and that he drops you after a relatively few dates.
I would think that "dating" on a site like this means searching for a possible sexual partner, and during that process you very likely have to date quite a few candidates.
Really, there are "friends" and "activity partner" categories if all you want is a companion to do things with. If you are 45+ and still hung up about sex like you were in High School, you really are not doing anyone any favours by claiming to be looking for a date.
I AM looking for a serious relationship. One that includes sex. But that doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with someone I date right away. Sex means more to me than that.
What I mean, when I say if he's seeing other women, is that if he's not EXCLUSIVE with another woman then we're just doing the same thing: DATING.
Obviously there isn't "one" way to do all this, just as we are all different so goes our dating choices.
It's nice to see other women have the same approach. And yes, if a guy is having sex with another woman, and he's dating me, then he won't be around very long. Because if he just wants to screw then he can stick with that other woman. I just KNOW that when meeting perfect strangers it is foolish to jump in bed with them before you really know who they are. THAT is what dating is for, in my book: getting to know someone while learning if they are the one I want to have an intimate relationship with. Period. I don't date for the sake of dating, or to have some guy buy me a meal. It's to get to know them. And that takes TIME. Time I'm willing to invest. Just have to find the guy I want to be with who ALSO wants to invest time. To get something precious...not to get laid and move on. | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:29:04 PM | Cappy Hamper:
Dating several people without sex is the bare minimum respect that should be given to others. Where is the line drawn, though? If you are playing a little grab ass and some tonsil hockey with several, if not all- would this be ok for everyone involved?
EXACTLY. Where IS the line drawn? And do we all have different "lines" in the sand that we make? I know what my line is, and I guess because I think it's reasonable then I figure everyone else should agree with me. Ridiculous now that I think about it!
There's some confusion here that makes it sound like I'm just having guys take me out to date for the sake of dating. Not true. Not in my case. I'm saying that dating IS the precursor to intimacy with someone. And unless you date someone you can't decide if you want to be intimate. But from reading about "the new dating rules" here on the forums, as it were, it seems like some people are saying "sex first, THEN dating." That's just ridiculous. And how VALUABLE is sex if it's handled this way?
It cheapens sex. And that cheapens relationships. I don't want a cheap relationship. I want one where we're mutually invested in building intimacy. That doesn't seem like too much to ask.  | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:47:52 PM | Piano:
But I know fairly early enough now if I want to pursue anything further even after a few dates. And after that, I STILL wait on the 'sex' part if there finally is a 'chemical reaction' with one. I'm actually corny enough to think the 'twenty date rule' from the 40 Year Old Virgin as actually being a REALLY GOOD IDEA.
I LOVE that "twenty date rule" from the 40 Year Old Virgin. Or the "90 day period before benefits" rule. It's encouraging to know that there's at least one guy out there that thinks along the same lines. I'm sure there are more!
And it really does just take a couple dates to know if you want to start getting exclusive. I wasn't talking about months of casually dating multiple men.
Piano it's not corny at all. I think it's pretty smart and it lends itself to a much healthier start to a mutually satisfying relationship! | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 9:04:37 PM | I forgot to mention in my original post, and it has been pointed out to me that I did not, I am NOT comfortable with dating more than one person at a time. My question comes from trying to figure out how to move beyond a first meeting with someone after I've accepted a date with another man in the future.
Another poster likened it to Let's Make a Deal, where you have to pick one curtain. I don't want to land in that position...and am trying to figure out how to avoid that very thing! Ugh...if dating today comes to picking a curtain, then it IS too freakin complicated huh?! | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 3:47:44 AM |
I have no problem at all if a guy I'm dating is seeing other women.
That's very magnanimous of you. When I first read this statement I thought, I must be in a time warp or something? I thought maybe it's because I'm 20 yrs. older than you are Ms. KinChandler? And, then I realized that NO.......I thought the same way at 40.
I'm a lady who dates "one man at a time". I'm looking for a man who dates "one woman at a time", as well. Someone who is out there dating multiple women, shopping around so to speak, wouldn't be a man I'd be intrigued with in the first place.
As long as he's not screwing them. If he's having sex then I'm out of the picture.
That sounds a bit naive......how would you know whether he was having sex with other women, or not? Follow him around? Check his sheets for spots? Pray tell........how would you know?
Whether he's having sex or not, is a MOOT point for me. If he's dating other women, I'm out of the picture.
I think the difference, when it comes to age, is that we've mellowed with our exclusivity and have room to give some space to the people we date
I'm all for giving a guy space........but if he's sharing that space with other women......hmmmmm? As I've said, it's not going to fly with me.
I guess I'm one old broad, who hasn't mellowed at all. Considering that I'm looking for a symbiotic ( a close and prolonged) relationship, rather than "casual dating" or "activity partners", I don't think it will matter how much I age.
I'm probably doomed............ | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:36:00 AM |
And yes, if a guy is having sex with another woman, and he's dating me, then he won't be around very long. Because if he just wants to screw then he can stick with that other woman.
Too funny this type of man will also do likewise to you as well. Nice to hear a voice of sanity that you would drop him like a hot potato..
Sounds like the kind of man that does not want to throw out the dirty dish water until he has clean.. just peachy
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:39:47 AM |
I'm a lady who dates "one man at a time". I'm looking for a man who dates "one woman at a time", as well. Someone who is out there dating multiple women, shopping around so to speak, wouldn't be a man I'd be intrigued with in the first place.
I must admit after a 3 years absence from dating I just wanted to casually date for awhile. However now I am just where you. I am not interested in a man that is dating multiple women and shopping around..
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| |
Home
login 
good try, try again...
