| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/13/2009 8:35:06 PM | So once again, another forum discussion sparked an interesting question for me.
You're on the first or second email with a guy, there's some interest, and he drifts into email limbo. A few weeks later, you get an email back, asking how you've been. What is your reaction?
(The background of this is, a gal posted in another forum saying that she generally would let her email conversations drift off when she was exploring possibilities with one person. Strikes me as reasonable, and I've done the same thing myself. I've generally not taken up the threads of the old conversations, simply because I don't want to make someone feel like they're the second string. And I am concerned for the feelings of the people with whom I correspond.
But it occurs to me that if women do this themselves, they ought to understand that they're not being used as a standby. They're someone who still attracts my attention, and I'd like to see if that's mutual.)
Just to clarify...are you automatically insulted if someone resumes a correspondence after a break of a few weeks? | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/13/2009 8:45:29 PM | | Considering that i don't like being "stalked" with email..ie: "why haven't you written back". "are you still interested". "have you met someone else". I tend to wait 2-3 days before replying. (unless of course we're confirming a time/place to meet), so if i haven't heard back in over 5 days, i chalk it up to .."he's just not that into me". | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/13/2009 8:51:34 PM | | If he drifts off I write him off. If he comes back and tries again, no dice. I wasn't enough to hold his attention the first time. If he's now lonely and bored, I'mnot going to be the one to help him break out of it. | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/13/2009 9:07:51 PM | Personally, I don't see a problem. I assume that if someone stops corresponding with me that he got busy with something else - work, family, another potential relationship. It would be nice to hear a reason for the lapse, though, if he wants to pick it up again. Not a guilty-sounding explanation and definitely not a lie. Something like: Sorry I stopped writing, work got hectic, my car was in the shop, my dog died, or whatever. It's a little more delicate if the reason was that he was pursuing someone else. In that case, I'd recommend that he just say something more vague, like: Sorry, things got a little hectic in my life.
It might be unflattering to think I was second choice, but I figure until there is a face to face meeting, and in fact until you get to know the other person a little better in real life, it's hard to say who you prefer. I don't think either party owes the other anything beyond courtesy and honesty until there is an established relationship. JMO. | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/13/2009 9:18:14 PM | Here is my theory: men are typically slower about relationships (I said relationships, not sexual arousal) because typically they come from the place of thinking while women tend to come from the place of feeling. Feeling is way faster than thinking. So it's rather natural for a guy to take his sweet time with follow-ups while the woman had already designed a perfect wedding gown in her head. Then what happens is she gets all upset that he didn't call her for the entire 2 days (week, 10 days, whatever).
It's nice that you care about women's feelings. You're right, it feels unpleasant and it ruins the interest, at least good part of it.
While my best option is to forget about him when he disappears, whether or not I'll respond to his second rounds of e-mails will depend solely on how I feel about it right there and then, granted that I'm still looking, and that can't be predicted. | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/13/2009 10:33:43 PM | You're on the first or second email with a guy, there's some interest, and he drifts into email limbo. A few weeks later, you get an email back, asking how you've been. What is your reaction?
I tell him how I've been, ask him how he's been, and don't look into it any further than that. Most people are talking to more than one online, so I don't think much of it. Until I meet someone and know them offline for a while I don't take much that seriously. I talk to a number of people at any given time too, and I have a life, so I don't expect guys to drop everyone else and/or respond to me right away - this place isn't a life priority. | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/13/2009 10:42:39 PM | Funny how some people start threads about how some EX who disappeared years ago sent them an email on Facebook and they want to know "Is he interested...?" but someone whom you spoke to only a few weeks ago isn't given the benefit of having his email read before he's block/deleted. 
Sliding scale? | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/13/2009 10:54:08 PM |
A few weeks later, you get an email back, asking how you've been. What is your reaction? My reaction: I've been well thanks.
are you automatically insulted if someone resumes a correspondence after a break of a few weeks? I wouldn't even notice there had been any lapse if we only exchanged 1-2 emails. | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:01:36 PM | I suppose I'd wonder what was going on. If I knew the person for more than one or two emails, I might be a little offended that they suddenly disappeared.
But if it was someone I didn't know too well, and that only talked to me a few times, I wouldn't care that they stopped. Depending on how the past conversations went, I'd either answer the new mail, or delete it. I don't really like trying to keep up useless conversation with someone who's never online, and that may be how I read the situation. | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:20:26 PM | If Im talkin to a guy for a few days quite a bit writing back and forth and then all of a sudden he goes poof, and then comes back out of the blue several weeks later. I tend to just go Bwahahahaha, yea right.... If we go into email limbo, it means one or both of us really are not that interested. I hate my time being wasted so I wont reply back when they message me again. Whats to say they wont do it again.
^T^ | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:59:18 PM | | I don't have a problem with it. If it's a reasonable amount of time later and I wasn't available to meet him when he first contacted me (or similar circumstances), I see know reason why I can't at least talk to him. It's not the end of the world. | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/14/2009 1:24:06 AM | | If I was interested enough to correspond a second time, it generally wouldn't matter when the third time occurred. I don't take it personally...my approach is very similar to WomanInProgress. | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/14/2009 1:45:55 AM | i get a lot of email. i view people as friends first. if it doesn't go past that, fine. if it does: that would be great! virtual reality is just that. being misintrepeted, being expected to "jump", not having time for real communication or to savor, is a big part of the internet introduction. however, it's worth it, if eventually one finds his/her mate! i found my ex husband in a newspaper ad, it lasted ten years and we adopted our children. my kids got me at an adoption fair at the zoo! i met my ex SO of three years on another site. he had a three sentence profile and mine went on and on and on (go figure!). met the last guy i dated via meetup dot com.
one never knows. be open. don't be rude. if someone sounds really wacked to you, then so be it. move on politely. i must say, no matter what, i have some beautiful friendships, worldwide, from pof. thus, i am grateful. just today, somethings were bothering me. so, i got on the phone and called my e-buddy from mississippi. he can do the same and does!
if i don't hear from someone, i know the timing of the universe is not right. i do have my crushes, but i remind myself that they are not truly "real", until i meet them. if just e-buddies, the test of time will prove them worthy. i tend to trust the universe. it's hard to date and meet so many people at once. sometimes, it appears that the universe is cruel. over time, i know that i am watched over and there is a higher purpose or order to it all.
if it's right, it's right. not a matter of second fiddle. just a matter of one day at a time, one person at a time. it might be that the man for me, is just not yet ready. were we to meet now, it might not work, because he is not ready. or, vice versa. | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:07:51 AM | | If all we did was exchange a few emails, I wouldnt notice if he drifted off...If he bailed on a meet then came back Id likely not bother though. | |
|
| Second fiddle's still front row...
Posted: 9/14/2009 4:42:08 AM |
Just to clarify...are you automatically insulted if someone resumes a correspondence after a break of a few weeks?
If it was only an email or two I would not be insulted or bothered. I'd respond kindly and go from there. If they were honest about what was going on I'd appreciate that and be more inclined to engage more in conversation. If the limbo e-mails become a trend I'd blow it off, simply respond to the e-mail and likely label him the "limbo lame" dude when addressing him. 
| |
|
Home
login 
