| | Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for workPage 1 of 1 | I met a guy who has two jobs, he seems like a nice guy. His first job is a civil service type and his second job is he is also a pastor of a church. He didnt tell me what his second job was right away and he slowly worked up to it but was very vague for a while about it. I thought it was kind of odd that he would be so secretive about it, until I found out his ex-wife is also heavly involved with his church. So much so that not all the members of the church even know they are divorced.
I think I should just walk away, but perhaps I am being to quick to judge. Also hes been seperated from her for 2 years and divorced from her for a year. The whole thing just makes me feel uneasy though.
What do you think? | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:18:01 PM | Perhaps he is embarrassed by what he does, perhaps he legally cant tell you what his job is, maybe his first job and second could be a potential conflict of interest and he doesn't want to cause tension by risking them mixing together.
There are a lot of possibilities, so many that you can't just assume it is about you. | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:25:08 PM |
perhaps I am being to quick to judge.
Hence.....the reason he was hesitant in telling you in the first place.
Imagine how the pius congregation of his church would judge him if they knew he was now divorced as well.......
Until his ACTIONS are causing your yellow flag to wave proudly in the air......back up for a little while and simply WATCH his actions.....
THEN....... you should make your 'judgment'........ Try not to confuse 'judging' with making good judgment...... judging is done on hearsay ... good judgment is based on FACT... | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:30:45 PM | I'd have two questions for him:
1) WHY don't the people at the church know he is divorced? Depending on the denomination, this could be heavily frowned upon. Also, part of his job is to do marriage councilling for others. Would it negatively affect his career?
2) How long have you been dating? Are you allowed to meet the ex? (ie: is he still married and just cheating - which would be sick for a pastor, but...)
Unless he could answer those two questions in a way that I felt were satisfactory, I would walk too. | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:30:58 PM | To me, the oddest part of what you said was that, "So much so that not all the members of the church even know they are divorced." But that might be because it's not really anybodies business there... but it's still kind of weird, word gets around so why is his wife still hanging out at the church?
But, since he was separated from his wife a full year before their divorce, which was a year ago, maybe they've been able to move past it.
I'd say.... go in but be wary. Ask a ton of questions, listen to the answers and then decide. Maybe his wife is really cool, maybe she turned gay, maybe they're truly friends and that's it. But, if you like the guy, gather more intel before splitting.
Regarding his hesitancy about telling you about being a pastor... that might be due to fear of being judged for being a churchie or Jesus Freak. But, that's weird too because I've never known those type of people to hesitate in claiming their seat at the right hand of the Father. .... The whole thing doesn't jive, something fishy.... gather more intel, keep your heart secure until you meet his ex and find out why he didn't disclose his job.
Just come out and ask. No reason why it would be seen as rude.
Good luck. | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:33:24 PM |
What do you think?
i''m glad you asked! lol j/k
actually the best thing to do is to ask HIM. he's the one that didn't disclose easy so you should be having this conversation with him.
as to why he didn't tell you about the second job, lol my friend used to be a priest and when he would tell women that they would run for the border finding someone for him was soooo hard. most women were afraid he would be a religious nut and lecture all the time, etc. a lot of people are afraid to be with people that are highly religious.
in this case if he was a drug dealer I'd be worried. but a pastor, meh. his ex might be an issue , especially if they haven't told the people in the church..so talk to him and clarify stuff before leaving. you never know what his reasons are. | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:37:20 PM | If I were a pastor, I'd be reluctant to mention it on a first date.
Let's face it, you automatically go into a mode where you watch your language, are extremely circumspect about what you disclose, and get really, really nervous.
It's an interest killer for most women. | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:44:35 PM | Thanks for the advice. I think I wasn't really looking at it from all sides. I did talk to him a bit about it, however I was rather upset because I first got the impression he was still married (which got cleared up real quick) and to say the least I was a bit of a B*tch. I will just step back and see what happens, he hasnt fully explained everything yet. Perhaps when he does I wont feel so uneasy about it. Now I'm just kind of regretting being so hard on him for it, I think maybe I need to appoligize for not giving him a chance to explain at first.
Thanks! | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 6:26:44 PM | I'm not the religious type, but it seems odd that you'd date a guy who wouldn't take you to his church. Which I assume he wouldn't given his (ex-) wife situation.
Heck, a lot of people know him. Can you go to public restaurants with him and risk beeing seen? Can you not meet his friends and family?
I'm just having trouble with the logistics. I can't even get to worrying about trust. | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 6:29:34 PM |
So much so that not all the members of the church even know they are divorced.
HUGE RED FLAG
Divorces take time, and he's not disclosed it to his "flock"? If he can hide something like this from them, what's he going to hide from you? | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 6:32:23 PM | | I was a member of a church when the minister and spouse were divorcing. It was kept very close to the chest. There were no announcements or anything, but most of us knew what was going on. I kind of think it was kept "private," not secret, out of respect for the older members. | |
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WackMC
| | Joined: 4/23/2008
Msg: 14 | |
| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 6:37:53 PM | Ask for the paperwork. See it, read it, confirm it with the city offices. Many people are priests or pastors of online certification or hold services in their own homes to a flock of about 20 people. You need to see the church, see his name listed as the pastor and confirm the facts he has released. You do not need to attend the church or talk with the flock. Just confirm his facts and move on from there.
1) Resolve the trust issue.
2) Decide when/where you can be together. | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 6:40:35 PM | OP I have read this a couple of times and mulled over it. I tried to email you and can't so I know I am not going to make any brownie points here.
My brother is a pastor, has been for over 20 years. He agreed with me. I haven't met a pastor yet that is a shamed of their job. They are pretty quick to tell a person. I mean think about it, that job is supposed to be a calling.
b]
The other thing unless his church has a few thousand members I am not buying that he was seperated and divorced for over a year now. I mean pretty much every church I have belonged to has a better grapevine that teenagers do. IF he is active in the church the congregation knows.
I have a few questions for you to mull over
Have you met the EX wife, have you seen a divorce decree.
I mean pastor can be liars also. I just feel there is something wrong here.
A pastor is supposed to live what he preaches, "Thou shalt not lie " is one of the top 10 here how can he be ministering to his congregation and be living a lie?
Good luck to you I hope I am all wet and totally wrong. | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 6:42:45 PM | I'd pay attention to those inner flags going up. The situation with his ex-wife and church sound somewhat entangled. It will be interesting to navigate through that. If you find yourself "tiptoeing" through it, you may want to if it's worth it or not.
It might come down to whether you are OK with fitting into his world as it exists, or whether you would want him to carve out space in his world for you as well as for both of you as a couple. Stuff to ponder. Good luck. | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 7:04:24 PM | I hate to monopolize this:
If he has two jobs, then the Church is a small one - too small to provide a salary to its pastor. So it really IS a calling. I've known of a couple of situations like that. The pastor has to have a day job, and is as much the most respected member of a group as he is the leader of a church.
And dating is weird enough. If you can't date within your congregation ( Can I get an "ewww" here?), then you have to explain to a stranger about your faith, your role in it and why you have to have a civil service job too before you can even get to, "So, what kind of movie do you like? (The answer will always be Disney/G-rated/ or the Passion of the Christ if he asks) | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 7:38:33 PM | The problem with that is he is leading the flock in his church and you have to be ultra clean with everything. You are considered for those positions when you are upright.
If the other leaders who elected him to lead the church, he could be kicked out for ruining his testimony. I came from a religious background and I know what that is all about. They are ultra religious.
But I doubt that he is serious about his religious background. How Christian can you be if you are looking for dates on a site when you should be looking within your own back yard. Because he is lying to you. Anyone who claims to worship, has his "ex-wife" in the same congregation and nobody there knows his business and purposely keeps it from you (not to mention slowly working his way to telling you the truth) is an actor. I call bs on him. A righteous man of God that does dirt is always exposed to his shame in front of everyone. Remember Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, and Oral Roberts. | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 7:58:20 PM | These are all things I have thought of and everyone brings up good points.
He is infact a pastor not through an online course or anything. He holds two non-religious degrees and became a licensed minister first when he was in his 20's, then ordained as a pastor in his 30's. I know where his church is, its not small but its not huge either.
His ex holds an administrative role within the church and I beleive they still keep a good rapport with each other.
But it does seem less than honest that not everyone knows they are divorced. Thats what gets me about the situation because I have thought that in the future, (if there is one) it would create a problem. I think their divorce was more a private matter, rather than everyones business and I can understand that. But if him and I were ever to be serious, then I'm not sure how that would play out as far as his position in his church. Of course I wouldnt be serious with anyone who I couldnt go to their church with so it brings up some issues that he will have to clear up before it gets to that point.
Right now, we are just getting to know each other and its been less than a month. I'm not crossing my fingers on this one because already it seems like it might be to much to deal with. I will just see what happens but I think I will be extreamly careful with this guy, I'm deff not looking to get my emotions wrapped up into him until I know the full story and can get some assurance that he has thought things through as well.
Thanks for the input! | |
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| Doesnt totaly disclose what he does for work
Posted: 9/15/2009 8:02:17 PM | You do have the whole story, what more do you want? Or is it that there are more reasons here why you should keep it moving and you really want to to be with him?
No matter what, he holds a position in the church and he is being dishonest by concealing his divorced status from the rest of the congregation.
It is God or the world.
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