| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 12:45:45 AM | Hi, This is my first post here but i'm after some advice.
I started seeing a great girl about 5 weeks ago and it's unbelievable how well we get on. I think she feels the same and most of my recent relationships if you can call them that have not lasted more than a few dates but there is something different about this one, i've never felt like this before.
Last week because we're getting on so well I felt I should be honest and confess something about my past (it's nothing serious like a spell in prison or have a hidden wife somewhere) that I thought she should know. I explained it to her and she seemed fine about it and we had a great weekend without it comming up again. Then out of the blue she sent me a text message saying that she wanted to slow things down a bit and when I got to the bottom of it she was worried about what I told her. We had a good chat and she said it was fine and we made plans for this weekend.
Since then however it has been a bit different. I bumped into her purely by chance yesterday and we went for a coffee and things did feel to me a bit uncomfortable so I sent her a text after saying that I was glad I bumped into her and i'm looking forward to the weekend. She did reply but it wasn't the usual type of reply and she added just 1 kiss compared to the usual few. This is the bit where I think I went wrong because I phoned her later and we had a chat (not about how I was feeling) but after the phone call things seemed even more uncomfortable. I think after the text I should have just left it but I would have been worrying the whole evening that it was going to go wrong which as it turned out I did anyway.
Every other time i've had this feeling that i'm about to be dumped it usually turns out to be true and i'm not sure what to do now. Should I continue as if nothing has happened, should I slow down a bit to give her some breathing space although if i'm worrying over nothing this could then cause a problem that wasn't actually there.
Has anyone else been in a simmilar situation? | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 1:30:51 AM | Hi.It really does depend on what you told her, the timeline of what happened. We dont know on a scale of things what you confessed so it really hard to say.
I know one guy after a while confessed that he had a one night stand resulting in a child before I knew him .Infact he had another that turned up on his door aged 20 who he knew nothing about. That took him a good few weeks to tell me as it was a huge shock to him. That has made me back off a bit but then we are not together. Not because i see him in a bad light but because he needs time to come to terms to this. Im there if he needs me .
you gut instinct is usually right though. I wish you well. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 1:44:31 AM | Well I've certainly been in a similar situation a few times. And I've been the one who said that everything was 'fine, just fine' when it wasn't too.
The temptation to take control of the dumping process yourself (i.e. "If this ship is going down. then it's going to go down by my own hand in a blaze of glory") can be almost overwhelming. But no doubt you're just as capable of self-restraint.
And she may decide not to dump you if you continue as if nothing has happened and give her some processing space. In other words let her have time to think the matter over.
Have you ever had someone say something to you and at the time you really don't know what to say back? But then later you start thinking that you should have said this or that....
If you give her the time and the space to formulate in her own mind what she should have said at the time, there's a good chance it's not that she wants to dump you but rather that she has a definite opinion about the matter. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 2:09:46 AM | Dude... I have been almost EXACTLY where you are right now.
I had been dating this girl for a few weeks and it just awesome. I already knew after a few dates that something was just clicking. We had plans for a Dallas Stars game with my sister and my brother-in-law... I drive out to pick her up and we're on ourway to the game. I told her I needed to tell her something. I said "look... Imstarting to really like you... and thats why I wanna be totally honest." and I told her I had been married and divorced... which is odd for someone 22 years of age... 21 at the time actually. It happened while I was in the military... and it was a girl I had datedsome years before and really it was just an arrangement to get her out of a bad family situation and get out of her house (abusive house). She asked me some other questions... but then she just kinda shut-off for a while.It was an awkward night... driving her home I brought it up again and she said she was fine with it anda couple days later I drove out to her place to watch movies with her. When I left that night I went to kiss her and she kinda moved her head and kissed me on the cheek. Ouch right? A few days later she cancelled our plans for my birthday and said she needed space... I was panicking a bit. I didn't wanna lose her. I ended up getting a VERY long email from her a few days later basically saying she really liked me, but she had isues with some of my past, so she needed things to slow down. So I called her up and told her to come meet me downtown. We went for a walk and talked for a while. I told her there are decisions in my past that I hae made... and some of them bad ones... but I don't owe her an apology for any of them. It had nothing to do with her. I just try to learn and take the good with the bad and move on. I told her if she wanted to take things slow for a while... thats fine... but I wouldn't play everything by HER rules all the time. Its not fair that way. We ended up being together for over a year... unfortunately we're not together now but... yeah. So My advice based on my experience... stand your ground. You don't owe her an apology. I think she will respect your resolve. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 3:07:20 AM | Can you tell us what you confessed???? I find it difficult to judge the situation without knowing what it was you told her......
But I am with you on the gut instinct, its usually right!
x | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 4:40:53 AM |
Can you tell us what you confessed???? I find it difficult to judge the situation without knowing what it was you told her.......
yeah - it's hard to help you out without knowing the full story... | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 5:25:09 AM | | No, you are not about to get dumped. You already have been dumped. She's just not saying so outright. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 5:41:50 AM | | If she was really into you , and mature in her thinking this would have no impact on the relationship. Be happy it happened now and not a year from now when you had serious time invested in this. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 6:09:56 AM | | Two steps forward, one step back. We ALL have a "story" and a past. Hopefully we all learned from it. But some choose to judge others for their past, and not realizing we could have possibly learned from it. And look ahead to a bright future. Lots of great relationships have been "lost" because of this. Don't bring this subject up again. If she needs more, let her bring it up. If you go out this weekend, put on the charm you have that caught her eye to begin with. best of luck to ya... | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 6:33:31 AM | My question is...why do you guys always think you have to come clean about everything...unless it is a sexual desease you confessed (at which point you cant blame her) then anything else is your personal business, after only five weeks she probably wasnt comfortable knowing what she didnt need or by the sounds of it want to know.
Men please take my advice, you dont need to share your whole life story with us, not only do we not need to know, we dont care to know either...at least I dont, I cant speak for other women.....but now OP back to you...was it a sexual desease? | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 6:45:39 AM | No it wasn't a sexual desease but I don't really want to go into details on here but It's nothing bad like prison, having a wife or child from a one night stand etc. It was just something that I thought she should be aware of that's all. Perhaps that is the lesson to take away from this.
Thanks for all of your replys so far. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 9:17:12 AM | Last week because we're getting on so well I felt I should be honest and confess something about my past
Perhaps that is the lesson to take away from this.
At least you learned something. Leave the self-harming upfront honesty to the self-righteous forum preachers. In the real world, timing is everything. What could be some random trivia if you mentioned it six months down the road after she has fallen hard for you, it became a deal breaker now. Sad. Now go get some band aid for shooting yourself in the foot and learn from your mistake. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 9:55:02 AM | | Few relationships go past 6 months. This is the time for discovery, chemistry and compatibility, if what you told her was so bad that it might have changed her feelings then perhaps you need to decide if it is something worth sharing in a new relationship. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 10:34:53 AM | | So you're saying you withheld information about something from your past for a full 5 weeks. Is that deceitful, dishonest, evasive or is it simply lying? Why did it take you 5 weeks to decide to be honest? | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 10:49:38 AM | | Since we don't know what you said it's hard to judge. It sounds like she is pulling away but still has some interest. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 11:45:05 AM | Yeah, how *dared* you not spill your guts in the first 5 hours and waited 5 weeks ? You are deceitful, dishonest, evasive and you'll go to Hell for your blasphemy! 
While you're at it, make sure that whenever you apply to a new job you mention all the failed projects your participated in, all the bad grades you took at school, etc. You won't get the job but your honesty will be appreciated (and your resume will the the office running joke of the year)!
Cheers to all the "Thou Shalt Spill Your Guts ASAP" honesty zealots!  | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 11:52:47 AM | A lack of integrity is now defended by calling those with integrity "honesty zealots"? What a convenient ploy for those who lack honor and principles.
The OP refuses to say what it is that he withheld.
If it was enough to cause the girl to stop seeing him, I would assume he knew that would be the case, so he withheld that information until he felt she was already emotionally invested.
He hedged his bets and lost.
Revealing oneself over time is one thing. Honest disclosure is usually met with acceptance.
Withholding information you feel would cause a person to stop seeing you is self-serving and deceitful. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 12:25:40 PM |
The OP refuses to say what it is that he withheld.
Irrelevant; the point is it was something it hurt his case with that girl. Whether me or you condemn or approve the particular information is beside the point.
If it was enough to cause the girl to stop seeing him, I would assume he knew that would be the case, so he withheld that information until he felt she was already emotionally invested.
Unfortunately for him, he didn't wait long enough; my guess from the OP is they didn't even have sex yet (in which case, it's never gonna happen now).
Few things are "absolute" deal breakers; most are preferences adjusted by timing. When someone is not invested, she's looking for the slightest red flag to dismiss someone new, she has zero or very little tolerance to anything less than perfect. When she is invested, she's more willing to turn a blind eye on imperfections and past bad behavior if the overall package is more positive than negative.
He hedged his bets and lost.
Yes, for spilling his guts too early, not too late.
Withholding information you feel would cause a person to stop seeing you is self-serving and deceitful.
Save it for the choir you preach on. There's nothing wrong with making a good first impression, showing your best self and keeping the trash of the past where they belong, to the trashcan of memory. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 3:05:50 PM | | well, for one I think you worry too much dude, but we are different I'm learning every body reacts to situations differently. I think you should have left some things to mystery because from your story things changed after you revealed a skeleton, as far as being dumped well your feelings could be correct, nobody knows you better than you do so your gut could be correct. But the telling factor would be if someone your plans get broken from now until the get together. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/17/2009 5:17:32 PM | | I can play a funeral dirge if you'd like.......................... Cause this thing is dead in the water. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/18/2009 1:02:59 PM | If it wasn't anything major, why in the world did you feel the need to share it at this early date? There's a time to spill all your minor dirty laundry, but it's after the relationship has been established and is secure.
Putting something out there too early, even if it's "minor" to you could put just enough doubt in someone elses head to ruin things before they even get off the ground.
if she's about to dump you over this, there's nothing you can do to change it. You set this in motion when you told her whatever it was you told her. If it was no big deal, she wouldn't be behaving like she is, so keep that in mind before you go blabbing it to anyone in the future. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/18/2009 2:23:36 PM | Past tense. You have been dumped by this girl.
You told her something that was a deal-breaker.
You're history.
Move on. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/18/2009 8:00:03 PM | | What I don't understand is, if it's "not as bad as having a disease or being married", then why are you so hesitant to share what it was? I get the impression that if it WAS one of the above, you'd share it in a heartbeat. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/18/2009 8:25:10 PM | It sounds like whatever you told her has changed how she feels about you.
And yes, the signs are there that you're about to get dumped.
Maybe next time wait a bit before you spring this big secret "thing" on the woman. And find another way to say it/explain it so they don't get freaked out/frightened/repulsed or what have you, by it. | |
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| Am I about to be dumped?
Posted: 9/19/2009 7:36:34 AM |
So you're saying you withheld information about something from your past for a full 5 weeks. Is that deceitful, dishonest, evasive or is it simply lying? Why did it take you 5 weeks to decide to be honest?
Oh for cryin out loud!
Perhaps it took him that long to feel like he could trust her with this info?
The thing about our personal info is this.. it's PERSONAL. To do with it what WE please and WHEN. You are no one to decide for others when personal info should be shared and you've absolutely no reason to give someone grief over their time frame. If the guy had NO integrity at all, he'd never have told her whatever the history was.
Some people take this "be honest" thing to completely ridiculous levels and forget that they aren't "hall monitors".
Say it with me now:
"YOU DO NOT DECIDE FOR PEOPLE"
I know you can do it.
And to the people asking him what his secret was.. you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. It's none of our business. He obviously felt is might be the business of this woman he's interested in, but if he didn't post it here... it's really crass to ask him what it was. | |
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