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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/17/2009 3:28:17 PM | Need a little help, maybe a lady point of view.
My ex fiance , whom we were together for almost 3 years, broke up with me. It happened in July'08. We did not speak afterwards,
Back in May I recieved an email from her, I was vere surprised.
She said she was sorry for not being nice to me, etc.
I replied to her. I told her it was nice to hearing from her.
After a couple of emails and phone talking, we met, and only once. for dinner,
We had a nice conversation,
However, the last few weeks. we have not talk that much.
She is on my list on facebook.
And she is back on match
Question is why did she contact me again?? | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/17/2009 3:45:14 PM | Wow. So she walked out the door over a year ago, and now she is trying to contact you, has you on the facebook list, and has returned to match.com.
Well....I have to say, you are a better person than I for actually meeting her for dinner, as I personally, would NOT have given my ex the time of day.
Well, as far as why she contacted you again (you would have to ask her why).....the reasons are many, but I will take a stab in the dark and say that initially she left you last summer for something she perceived as better. It didn't work out, so now she is back "trying to feel you out" and see if you are dating someone or in a relationship and if you aren't, I would lay pretty good odds she wants to pick up where you two left off.
And if you have read any of my posting history on here, you would have probably read the Golden Rule of Relationships. But if you haven't it goes something like this:
Once you walk out the door and say you are finished, then you are. There is no going back, this rule applies to both parties and is nontransferrable. In going back with someone who hurt you just gives them an opportunity to hurt and disappoint you again. So save yourself the heartache and don't go there.
To put it another way: Never, ever break up with someone more than once.
Better you know now what a flake she is than to get married, have a family, then have her walk out after 10, 15, or 20 years of marriage, only to realize it too late and you have to start over again.
If I were you, I certainly would certainly NOT go out of my way to be overly accomodating or available to her. Keep your wits about you and be careful. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/17/2009 3:47:58 PM | Because you are her fallback guy.
She has now exhausted all possibilities with others-
she has burned all her bridges and YOU are the one
guy that she knows if she is nice too - because you were
probably such a STAND UP guy with her she can come back,
use you for a time and then abandon you again.
Look - once they leave , well they have shown YOU what you
really mean to them.
She has regrets- oh well. When she had you she did not appreciate
the goodness OF you- your worth and your value.
Dont look back - always look forward. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/17/2009 5:05:38 PM | Sounds like most of my ex girlfriends. They cheat, I leave. They want me back...
but all I could really think of is....
1) Trying to get rid her emotions thats been haunting her. ( apologizing for not being nice to you)
2) Misses your company and the things you both experienced together.
3) Wants to see if you really are the one.
4) Wants to use you for her personal needs. (She might have an itch and you'll scratch her probably..) | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/17/2009 6:00:44 PM | hey renegadeoutlaw.
thanx for your input, very good points
i did not ask her why she contacted me again. she said it was an apology.
my feeling is that she wanted to see what i was up to. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/17/2009 6:55:47 PM |
i did not ask her why she contacted me again. she said it was an apology.
my feeling is that she wanted to see what i was up to.......
Thank you for your post, OP.
The apology thing is a bunch of B.S. ! SHE knows it and so do you. - Apologizing a year later????????? I don't think so. - My ex tried that crap with me, and he found out pretty quickly it didn't work. It's just a very very lame excuse to try to initiate contact and to suck you in.
Your feelings are dead on!
Her wanting to know "what you are up to" is the literal translation of "are you dating anyone and if you aren't can we get back together" stuff.
Go with your gut on this one. - It's proves to be correct everytime. Like curlygirl said.....DON'T LOOK BACK!
You haven't talked with her in over a year.....until now. I'll bet you have done some healing and have taken some time to get yourself together. Be strong and let her know that going back is NOT an option for you at this point, as you deserve much, much better. You don't deserve to be hurt and disappointed again.
You made it this far without her........you can continue going on with your life without her.
As I once said to my ex.......You made your bed.......now you can lie in it.......without me. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/18/2009 9:06:00 AM | | This is so simple. She feels bad for hurting you, so like she would contact a friend to apologise and catch up, she contacted you and caught up with you over a nice platonic dinner. Then she went back to her life. She doesn't consider you in a romantic way anymore, so why wouldn't she go back on Match.com? She also wants to remain contact with you because you guys were together for three years... you were probably pretty good friends after all that. To me, I think she just sees you as a friend. She hurt you and she apologised, and now you're as much a friend to her as anyone else on her friends list. Don't make big deal out of it, or think she wants to get back together, if she did, she would have said so. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/18/2009 4:03:40 PM | Dear Amoreora I want to answer your question for you from a women point of view,
you and you ex seem to have had a long relationship. and you said you had dated for 3 yrs
Do you think its possible that maybe she wanted more from you, maybe marriage, three year is a long time to date someone and not have real committment. I think she may have broken up with you because you weren't giving her what she needed. and because of that she felt she would move on , event thou she still loved you. (that if he doesn't do it, Ill find someone who will syndrome, )she found out the green wasn't greener on the other side , and wanted to come back. But after meeting with her, talking , dinner etc. you still have not changed, she though that maybe leaving you would make a difference and you would see the light . This woman loves you but your not giving her what she needs, when she contact you again it was to give you a chance to redeem yourself, but you dropped the ball.I dont know if you love this woman but if you do you should talk to her from your heart dont be afraid to voice your feeling, because she is having trouble expressing her and their is some thing she wants to say but is afraid . I sure you know in a relationship , communication is key and if you love her encourage her to express her feeling, and she should be able to do that with out fear. if you really love one another their should be compromise on both side, and this relationship will work itself out. Sincerely Honeyb60 | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/18/2009 6:40:59 PM | she contacted you to see where you are, to see if you're dating and over her, its a sick friggen game, its because she doesn't have someone in her life. the minute she has someone in her life you never hear from her, you will hear a snake fart before you hear anything from her.
I'll bet if you didnt go out with her to dinner and told her you just met someone, she would come up with some other lame ass excuse to talk to you.
Relegate her to the past tense, she's playing games with you guy. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/18/2009 8:47:30 PM | Instead of asking US, ask HER.
She may have felt bad about a bad goodbye, but maybe she just wanted to talk to someone she knows. It's possible that she wants to relight the torch and wants to know if you are willing.
It's also possible that she wanted to compare how she feels when she's with you to how she feels when witn someone else.
The bottom line is that even she might not know, so none of the rest of us will! | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/19/2009 5:31:27 PM | I don't know that an apology a year after the fact is completely a BS reason. I wrote a letter of apology to one of my loves about a year after things had ended. There were no ulterior motives to speak of within me, just a true and genuine apology for the way things went. It was also part of my healing process, too, because I realized that I subconsciously stayed hung up on her for way too long. Of course, I didn't offer to take her out to dinner either...so that's something.
As for her motives, she's probably found herself newly single again and is plotting her next victim. You're on the radar because you once had a good thing and she knows it could be comfortable. The fact is, that what you're experiencing is her treating you as an option...so I wouldn't get too worked up about it.
My advice, as with those of others, is that once a thing is done, to leave it be unless there are exceptional circumstances. Her coming back around, integrating back into your life, ignoring you, and otherwise playing a card does NOT constitute exceptional circumstances. Getting over love sucks enough the first time and there would have to be a dang good reason to set yourself up for a second time. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/19/2009 7:59:28 PM | Keep in mind what apologies are intened to be. They are supposed to make the person that you hurt, feel better.
An apology a year later isn't about the person you hurt, it's just about you. It's a selfish motive driven by her desire to sooth her guilty feelings.
An apology by an ex- a year later after you've moved one is the ultimate in selfish behavior. I've move on as fast as you can. She hasn't changed. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/19/2009 10:11:53 PM | Wow, I am surprised so many people have a negative view of a late apology. Seeking forgiveness is a great way to give closure to both the one who did the wrong, and the victim. Hopefully her apology will help you move on, and be able to have open loving relationships with others, without the baggage of your old relationship.
Who knows, maybe she joined AA and had to apologize to you as part of the process. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/20/2009 5:28:59 AM |
Wow, I am surprised so many people have a negative view of a late apology. Seeking forgiveness is a great way to give closure to both the one who did the wrong, and the victim. Hopefully her apology will help you move on, and be able to have open loving relationships with others, without the baggage of your old relationship.
Who knows, maybe she joined AA and had to apologize to you as part of the process.
Threshold of Hope, we all act in our own best interst. Nothing wrong with that. But we should all balance that self interest with the hurt it might cause others.
If you broke someones heart over a year ago, acted like a jerk let's say, and your conscience was bothering you, what good is going to come from you calling her? She's probably moved on quite a bit by this time. Maybe she's starting to date again. The apology will only stir up these feelinging in her again.
She'll be hurt and confused, as the OP is. (He clearly still likes her and wants her back. And where is he now? Back here looking for support.) What do 'you' get? You feel like a great guy! You manned up! You can now move on and never think about her for a second! But it doesn't help her one bit. It's a totally selfish move.
As I wrote last night, an apology is supposed to be a gift to the person you hurt/disapointed /aggreved. It's not supposed to be all about 'you.' So if you realize your apology is all about you, then is the time to man up, and keep it to your self. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/20/2009 5:32:44 AM | ^^^^^^
Tryin Hard. 100% right!
Don't be selfish and try and convice yourself you're a stud.
Or as my sister likes to tell me, "Those aren't tears for you, those are tears for HER." | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/20/2009 5:40:25 AM |
Who knows, maybe she joined AA and had to apologize to you as part of the process........
Threshold, I agree with Trying Hard........Besides, I think that is a huge stretch.......Her going to AA and having to make amends? I somehow don't think so.
an apology is supposed to be a gift to the person you hurt/disapointed /aggreved. It's not supposed to be all about 'you.' So if you realize your apology is all about you, then is the time to man up, and keep it to your self.
Trying Hard, I could not have put that better myself!
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:19:11 AM | wow, lots of responses and opinions , thanx everyone,
by contacting me again , she screwed my head.
after she broke up, never had any intentions to contact her again.
Also, the last time we talked on the phone ( about 3 weeks ago )
she mentioned to me that her daughter wished i would come over and cook for them.
she always liked my cooking,
why would she tell me that?? | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:53:16 AM | Why would she say that? Some options:
a) She'd like to see you as friends;
b) it would make her child happy;
c) she's lonely and would like to hang with you until someone else comes along;
d) she's been thinking about you and might be trying decide if she should give you another chance;
e) she's getting a charge out of stringing you along;
f) she might not even know why, or,
g) some combination of the above.
You clearly still like her and that's fine. But as someone up thread mentioned, only she knows. At this point, I thin you should just ask her.
"I have to admit that I was surprised to hear from you. We were engaged once, and not talking once, so now we are somewhere in the middle. What are you looking for here? Just friends? Something more? I think after all we've been though, it's important to be straight with each other."
And if she says friends, keep in mind you are well within your right to say "You know, I'm just not in a place right now where I can just be your friend. I'm just not hiring friends right now! Hope you understand that, and if and when I'm ready, I'll call you and I hope you'll still want to connect. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:01:37 PM | Amoreora,
I'm just going to re-iterate a few points that have been covered up-thread here:
1. She apologized to clear her conscious. Period...end of story. How you feel about it is immaterial...she got what she wanted out of it.
2. She's playing with you. If I doubted it before, I don't after the note about her daughter wanting you to come cook. Your ex is GOOD...knows just which heartstrings to pull. Usually I don't talk to my ex's, but if I did and they tried to pluck old heartstrings, I'd be pissed. I'm not somebody to be played with for entertainment purposes.
By your own admission, she's screwing with your head. Why are you doing this to yourself? Do yourself a favor...break off the contact again. Tell her "Thank you for dinner, sweetheart, but I'm not going to let you mess with my head (or my heart) ever again"
Paul ;) | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:35:54 AM |
she mentioned to me that her daughter wished i would come over and cook for them.
she always liked my cooking,why would she tell me that?? She's taking your temperature Son, she wants to see if you can be suckered or how far she can go to push your buttons.
The Apology was a smoke screen obviously, and she wants you guys to be friends how touching, where's my kleenex.
Look.... Her true colours is showing, its all a game to her ,do you feel her pulling your strings Pinocchio? The only thing that matters to her is HER, she believes she has your heart locked up so tight your balls will ache.
It's up to you now, you can play her game or shut the door and take some time to out and let your heart heal. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/21/2009 1:17:23 PM | She contacted you to make sure you were all right but do not confuse this with a genuine concern for your well-beign. She contacted you with the hope of hearing that you are fine and you haved moved-on. If you had successfully moved-on from the engagement and breakup, she wouldn't feel badly about ending your relationship.
She has contacted you for purely selfish reasons. She feels badly about hurting you but would feel better if you were doing well. She's probably looking for your forgiveness too.
As a general rule, don't take calls from ex's. Once it's over, it's over. | |
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:13:15 PM | hey mahogany-rush , thanx your inputs.
i feel like the godfather : Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in. ...
to anyone who says i want her back, not so fast.
after she broke up, did not contact her, or had any intentions contacting her.
i moved on and wished she had not contacted me.
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| My ex fiance contact me again, why???
Posted: 9/21/2009 6:34:04 PM | | She contacts you for the same reasons all my ex contacted me after dumping me. Women always keep backups. Tell her to F…. Off! | |
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