| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:27:55 AM | | I Divorced my wife who was cheating on me. I came to grips and put everything behind me. The man she was cheating on me with is also married to a disabled woman. Their tawdry affair still continues and he's still married. I know, if I tell his wife, she would probably be hurt but, I also think she has a right to know. What would you do? | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:33:04 AM | | She does have the right to know. But, people can get the wrong impression of your true motive. So, if your going to tell, be prepared for all that can happen in result of it. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:38:56 AM | Why do you want to tell her? Do you really want to tell her because you think she has a right to know? Or is it about revenge? She might know about it, ya know. Some people have an "arrangement," and with her disability, he might only be staying married to her for insurance benefits or something like that.
I mean you could tell her, but what's going to happen to her if he ends up leaving her?
There could be consequences TO HER as a result of you telling her. And "hurting her" could be the least of those consequences. She may be completely dependent on this alleged "man" and rocking that boat might not be in her best interests.
You need to think about all the different scenarios that could happen before you go and do something just because you think it will make you feel better to get back at him and your ex. In the end, it probably won't make you feel any better.
Here's my philosophy...I think that people are going to get what they've got coming to them. It might not even be in this life, but they are going to get it. Call it Karma, what goes around comes around, or reaping what you sow, I think your ex and her boyfriend will both get theirs one day.
I mean, look at them...they are already with someone who can't be trusted! Even if they were to end up together for real, neither of them will ever trust the other, because they both know that each other is capable of cheating...AND one or both of them probably WILL cheat on the other.
People get what they deserve, and you don't have to do a thing...just wait for it. But don't hurt other people along the way just to get even. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:40:54 AM | All I can say is this - I would NOT be in a relationship with a man unless it was monogamous. I would not 'like' the news - but I would absolutely want to know IF he were being unfaithful. Not rumours - facts.
One of the first things that the betrayed person 'feels' is like a fool, 'they' think that "everyone" but them Knew ... There is also personal safety and Health. A man or woman who cheats on their partner - risks their life. Disrespectful .. nasty ..
From the perspective of the partner being cheated on .. yep .. I'd want to know - so I can pack up and leave the 2 lovebirds to their own ... And - yes it would hurt - initially .. but in the long run I believe it best to be informed.
That said, with all the threads about justifying cheating, forgiving cheating .. blahblahblah lately .. I have my doubts that my response is with the majority .. :(
Glad you got out OP. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:43:43 AM | I agree with JenJen
I have learned that if it isn't any of my business, I step back and keep it that way. It keeps me away from any trouble!!! | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:47:00 AM | | You said you divorced your wife already so why didn't you tell the guy's wife when you were still married and first found out about the affair? You're hurt that your ex wife is still seeing this man after losing you and you want to hurt her back. But once you divorced her, what she does and who she does it with is no longer your business. If you were that concerned about the man's wife, you should have spoken up before. Let it go. | |
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Savona
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Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 11 | |
| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:49:11 AM | Wondering why you feel that you should be the messanger.
The man she was cheating on me with is also married to a disabled woman.
So la de daaaa .... who cares if she is dependant on his medical benefits, who cares if or how much she needs him ... you need to feel good about yourself and get your revenge.
I know, if I tell his wife, she would probably be hurt but,
There it that tiny little BUT word .... but what?
I think you should BUTT out.
Why do YOU feel she has a right to know, maybe she already does. Gawwwwwd some people just got to spread their hurt around.
I came to grips and put everything behind me.
Bull Crap.
Savona | |
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2run
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Joined: 7/31/2009
Msg: 12 | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:49:59 AM | | Don't do your ex-wife any favors. Let her tell his wife, or let him tell his own wife. Don't make it easier for them. You might inadvertently pave the way for the man to come clean, divorce his wife and live happily ever after with your ex. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:53:19 AM | How do you know that she doesn't already know?
Their marital issues are theirs and theirs alone.
If you told her would you be proud of yourself? I mean could you say to someone look at this great thing I did? If not then why bother?
Self respect is the only value you have. Is revenge worth diminishing that? | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:53:20 AM | | You handled your problem, but may not be totally behind you if you want to cause others problems. Without knowing the whole tapestry of this, if the woman is disable, and unable to satisfy her man, maybe she consented to an affair, and is still there for financial reasons....maybe.....Or she don't know, and you tell, she gets hurt and may jepordize her well being.... just being a bit of a skeptic here. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:54:00 AM | OP, your "motivation" for telling the betrayed wife is irrelevant. I don't understand why some people question your motives for telling his wife - what do your feelings have to do with the betrayed wife being able to know the TRUTH about her marriage? Even if there IS a degree of revenge in your intentions, does that mean she doesn't have the right to know about her husband just because your motives aren't completely "pure?" That's not even logical and makes no sense.
Keeping the secret of your soon to be ex-wife and her sleazy married lover's affair is like condoning the affair and helping them to hide it. You're a party to their duplicity if you do nothing about it.
Whether you're doing it for "revenge" or out of a simple sense of compassion for another human being doesn't matter. Your motivation to tell the betrayed wife does NOT make the information any less important or less valuable to her.
The poor woman should know who she's really married to. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:00:33 PM | Oh what the hell for? For all you know they could have an arrangement.. He keeps her and looks after her and loves her in his own way (sans a sexual relationship) and she allows his philandering. He may be breaking one vow; "forsake all others" but he his keeping another that is more important to her; "in sickness and in health."
I assume your wife actually knew he was married before getting involved with him.. She'll suffer every holiday when he spends it with his wife while she sits and waits alone.
Let it go.. Revenge will only hurt the disabled wife and give the husband an excuse to leave putting the onus on her to end it which will make him feel even less guilty for abondoning a woman who relies on his help. JMO. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:01:25 PM | I wouldn't blow the whistle in every situation. This situation would be one where I might just have to.
It wasn't just your wife that cheated on you. The other guy did too. Who could blame you for telling her? Do you really care if you pissed off a couple of cheaters? And his wife is disabled? | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:03:41 PM | OP: Your relationship was with your wife. She's the one that cheated on you, and you handled accordingly.
Let go and let live. Believe you me; what you do in life comes back to haunt you! | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:05:00 PM | You think she has a right to know and she does but does she want to know?
Few people if they are honest are totally blind-sided by cheating. On some level they do know. I have a friend whose husband was out of town for work, same city, several times a week. She had noticed charges to their gas card or their visa card for gas and meals and when she asked, he said he filled up one of the other guy's cars that kept it down there. Or he paid for someone's dinner. Now he is actually the type to do these things but she still really knew that something was off.
It is highly likely on some level that this woman knows and that she doesn't want her primarily happy home, her children's home, destroyed and that is more important to her than having a spouse she deserves. She could also still love the guy and that would make dealing with this news difficult too.
If you don't know her well enough to know whether SHE is the type of person that would want to know or not, then you have no business opening your mouth. This is one of the only situations within which the golden rules does not apply. You may want to know, I may want to know, but if she doesn't want to know, treating her the way you would like to be treated is the wrong choice.
Unless you get into a situation within which you have a hypothetical conversation with her and she indicates that the spouse should be told, keep your mouth shut because it really isn't any of your business no matter how much her husband's involvement with your wife hurt you.
Didn't see the disabled part, leave her alone, period.
I also agree with Spoken For. People like this man will do more harm to themselves than you could ever dream up, just give them enough rope, they know what to do with it. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:07:21 PM | | My motivation is not revenge. It's doing the right thing. She doesn't know and probably won't find out because he lives two time zones away. He travels a lot and she flies off to be with him. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:07:45 PM |
I know, if I tell his wife, she would probably be hurt
Then don't tell her. Why would you want to do or say something that will hurt another? She is not your close friend and I doubt that you would be sticking around to emotionally support her when her world comes crashing down after you expose the affair.
Each situation in revealing infidelity is unique; there is no blanket solution. That the woman is disabled, further complicates this story. She may be very dependent on her cheating husband.
If anyone is to tell her about the affair, it should be a close friend who truly cares about her...and that is not you. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:14:41 PM |
She doesn't know and probably won't find out because he lives two time zones away. He travels a lot and she flies off to be with him. read packagedeal's post again.. In her own way.. she probably knows or highly suspects... If she wants to know outright.. she'll figure out how to get that information on her own. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 1:03:45 PM | I would tell her.
She probably already suspects or knows, but I would tell her, anyway.
Don't make a big deal of it, just say it like the fact that it is. Then let her deal with it as she wants. If she wants to stay with him, it's not your business any more. I just feel everyone should have full details in order to make good decisions. I personally would also tell the husband I told his wife. | |
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