| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/18/2009 8:45:07 PM | | Okay I have posted on here a few times just because thoughts kept swirling in my head. Im not looking for sympathy or to have people run me down eaither. Typeing out what is going through my head and heart seems to help though. If anyone has read a few of my previous threads they will know why I sometimes find myself on the down side of the rollercoaster. So im not going to bore anyone with that story. Its just that during the day everything is more or less okay. But very late at night when everyone has gone to sleep and the world has quieted down somewhat my brain still keeps chugging right along. Its at these times where all the sadness. pain, regret, shame, guilt, and mealoncholy seem to catch up with me. Myabe it only happens to me but sometimes very late at night I find myself completely and utterly alone or have that feeling anyways. Like you have fallen into a dark pit that you might never climb out of. I have tried to literally run this feeling out but that shows signs of no longer working as well as it used to. So the question is what do you do when these down periods hit you late at night? How do you deal with it? At any rate for someone like myself interested in being a psychologist this line of thinking cant be all negative. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/18/2009 8:56:02 PM | | you know.........during the day when there are lots of people around and you're busy with whatever you do, the deep, dark thoughts don't register....it's at night when your mind is settled and you allow things to come to the surface....this happens if and when we're alone. this could be physically alone or emotionally alone.........what does this mean? you need someone in your life so you can share some of these emotions. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/18/2009 8:58:14 PM | And to think I thought I was the only one who felt/lived like that! Welcome to the club... I've been feeling this way for 15 to 20 yrs. now.... I've been told that depression and alcoholism both run in my family. Strange....I never saw it in my relatives.
Could be why I'm a recovering addict. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/18/2009 9:06:15 PM | | Im right with you shomesomethin depression and alcholism both run in seperate sides of my family as well. I have been fortunate/lucky/smart enough not to get hooked on the sauce. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/18/2009 10:26:31 PM | Grey,
you might just be a meloncolic kind of person.
i know i've gone through this and it's a terrible thing to go through.
all i can remember is that when i felt this way i was a married woman but my husband and i were separated more than together.
i think for me, these were the years when i really needed someone else in my life. i went to bed by myself more than with my husband as he was always out running around at night and came home drunk or like i said, we were at times separated .
i think for you it may be lonliness....the fact that you're alone and don't have anyone.
i'm not a big fan of medications for sleeping, depression or anything. i myself always somehow got through it all on my own.
now that i'm older, i love being alone and if someone came into my life, i think that would be a nice thing but no longer needed as badly as i once thought.
you need a partner.....or you just need to learn how to live contently in your own company. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/19/2009 1:26:23 AM | | the thought of being this way in ten years is what gets me...one just never knows...yes, its nice to be able to share these feelings with someone...of course, if you had someone you would not feel this way...you'd be in bed right now, cuddled up, snoreing... | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/19/2009 2:46:22 AM | Hi I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder - so am kind of used to dealing with the ups and downs
These are going to sound a bit obious maybe but they work and a lot of them are in the books on dealing with mood disorders which you might want to have a look at.
Practical ideas that really help - Get up early - make yourself - tend to be tireder at night so going to sleep is easier.
Excercise is good for it as well...research has been done to show - that half an hours exercise a day withoutany other intervention makes a massive difference to depression
When you get in from work or what ever - go have a shower and get out of those clothes into chillin night time stuff - dont stay in jeans - be comfortable - its a trick an x taught me and makes a massive difference like takin off a skin of worry and hassle
Dont watch late night TV emotionally it is very tiring and charges up your brain making you think much more intensely rather than relaxing you.
Make your bedroom a sancutary you really love - get a memory foam pillow, a small stereo system with chillin music and a bedside light you can turn low...is there any books you love to read always have at least one by your bed.
Dont drink coffee after lunch time - eating bad food ie anything processed particualrly ready meals has been proven to lead to depression. as of course does alcohol - never drink in the week you dont have same quality of sleep - glad your not going that road
Are you artistic in any way? If you are express these feelings! paint, clay,music poetry what ever ...you should at least be recording them in a journal - if you want to work in this area and help others try to understand yourself and the best way of doing this is to write it down. Not neatly - you can cartoon it. See a film called 'Armerican Splendor' he was a rubbish cartoonist but my god did he record his feelings so well...
first of all some people on here have said that you need a partner - wrong! it dosnt make things better. If your messed up in your head then there is opportunity to mess them up too...
Get a cat - they dont care about how rubbish your feeling - they just wanna be fed sleep on your lap and play with you - and when you treat them badly an kick em out of the door for wining at you...they come back to you like nothing ever happened - seriously though a lot of research has been done to say pets really do help you feel better.
other thing to do is get some councilling - you wanna help others - get some help yourself - see what that feels like - its incredibley releasing doing it.
ok those are some of my ideas I hope they help - the mortality rate for bipolar I have read is around 50%. That is half the people diagnosed with it die of either accidents, or suicide. That worse than a lot of cancers - im telling you this just to show you I have to take this stuff REALLY SERIOUSLY - sure your not bipolar , maybe depressed, many many people are, what I am saying is take it seriously and there ARE things you can do about it - so do them. ITS IMPORTANT ignoring these feelings is dangerous. Let me know how you get on. Best wishes Luke | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/19/2009 7:48:30 AM | | Going by the impossibility of being in two places at once, you can move out of your sad place and into your happy place. That same wondrous machinery that churns out dismal thoughts for you to inhabit can also conjure a pleasant environment. What you need is a new habit of happy time to replace your habit of sad time. To do that, set a time by the clock, or by some nightly event such as getting into bed, and make that your time to switch from imagining all that is depressing to what is uplifting and fun to think about. The conscious decision to deliberately set your mind to happier thoughts will work. Call it your vacation from misery, and enjoy it. Then in the morning when you wake up and begin to go about your day, when the day wears on and brings you back down, you can look forward to the end of the day when you get to have some fun. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/19/2009 7:59:46 AM | without sounding patronising here...
i sincerely hope you find you way out of the sadness that sometimes engulfs you.
i nearly lost my four beautiful grandchildren because of my daughter in law's struggle with bi polar...
she made it through the darkness...
you can also...
i wish you well. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/19/2009 9:05:31 AM |
At any rate for someone like myself interested in being a psychologist this line of thinking cant be all negative.
Have you gotten counseling yourself? You need to get your own head straightened out before you consider messing with anyone else's.
You need to look at the whole picture, not just the evening hours. Why are you so given over to guilt, melancholy, etc. at night? What's leading to those thoughts? You need to understand that and get to the root of the problem.
You also need to think about ways to keep yourself dwelling on negativity at night. Why is that happening? Are you staying up too late, alone, with nothing to do? Why is that? Think of things you can do with yourself at night. Start a project. Learn something new.
Are you getting enough exercise during the day? Exercise is one of the best anti-depressants around. It can improve your overall mental health.
Good luck. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/19/2009 12:33:08 PM | The way out is the way through. As long as you try to escape whatever is bothering, it will return to haunt. Obviously there is something you need to give yourself permission to fully feel your feelings about. When you do that, it will help you move on. Good luck! | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/19/2009 3:58:25 PM | I've experienced this, particularly after breakups and other heart wrenching things that have happened in my life. Late at night, we tend to have more downtime and less distraction and I think it's natural to let our minds wander when there's not something else to focus on. If your life is not going the way you want, it's easy to get fixated on that and go further down the spiral.
I think it's important to have hobbies and interests that you can dive into - anything that can capture your attention for a period of time - and help you to stay focused away from negative aspects of your life. They don't have to necessarily be constructive in nature, just something that you can do late at night and is something you enjoy. I think it's better to pass the time doing something non-constructive than to dwell on destructive thoughts and feelings.
Some people have a hard time with things like this and counseling might be an option. As others have mentioned, there might be something else going on if this has been pervasive for a long time. You can also try mild anti-depressants, like St. John's Wart, because it can be just enough to get out of the funk. (Be careful with the latter suggestion - there are many potential side effects, particularly with the interaction of other drugs.)
Fundamentally, though, the way to get out of this type of funk is to do positive things with your life that ultimately give you reasons to have a happier outlook. If that's having hobbies, getting involved with a cause, getting involved in a church, writing, making new friends or a multitude of other constructive things, these can ultimately overshadow the negative aspects and change our outlook. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/19/2009 5:08:17 PM | We all have to deal with it in our own ways. Mine is to express myself on these forums kind of like therapy. Sometimes I have positive sayings and other times negative depending on my mood at that time.
I was really bad a year ago and was told one time I was bitter, probably was. This year I am concentrating on self improvement by taking better care of myself by eating healthier, exercising (stuggle) to lose weight, and soon will be going back to college to finish my degree. If I meet someone great and if I don't I can handle that too and keep trying. This year I have my "Never Give Up" attitude on. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/19/2009 7:57:25 PM | Wow fortysomethingelse, there are some really great tips here. I will definitely use some of them.
After separating from my husband 3 years ago, I get slightly depressed after the kids are in bed at night.
I learned a bit in school taking psychology, that at night our brains produce the neurotransmitter melatonin-which is a low for the brain making us sleepy, depressed and during the day, our brains produce seratonin, makes us happy, alert, etc. I think with the advent of artificial light and staying up late, we are noticing more depression. Going along with this, I think your idea to get lots of sleep and get up early is a great idea, not to neglect all the rest of your great input but I thought I would add my 2 cents of why we might be feeling depressed at night vs the mornings. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/21/2009 8:39:30 AM | | The sad thing is I was really starting to be getting to a place of semi-hapiness on my own. Then yesterday I have my heart torn out and shit on. I had previously been with my ex for five years and we had been broken up for about six months. Two days ago she calls me and tells me that she had broken up with her boyfriend and was now single. She asks me to come over nad hang out and go to a movie so we do. Afterwards we get back and drive all the way to Tampa to go to a gay vlub because her friends are gay. We both had a horrible time because hey we are straight in a gay club but I tried to be as funny as possible and make her laugh. We get out of the club and drive all the way back to Orlando. It being around 4:30 in the morning she suggests I stay overnight. So I do and was respectful and dident try to crowd her when we were sleeping because I thought she wanted to take things slow. The next morning we get up and she makes us breakfast and she lets me cuddle her a bit and we try and relax. Eventually she asks me to give her a back massage which I do which leads to both of us getting turned on which leads to sex. Afterwards I try to cuddle her some more and just relax with her watching some t.v. I told her that I loved her and that I was happy to be hanging out with her agian. I stay for three more hours and then leave at 3:00. I get home and try to take a short nap and hse wakes me up calling me at around 6:00. She tells me that we just cant be together and that she dosent love me the way that she used to and that over the time we had been apart she had moved on. This completely flew in the face of everything she had told me about six days earlier how a part of her would always love me, how she still saw herself married to me, how she still saw herself having children with me one day. She used me then casueally threw me away like I was a piece of damn garbage. I had been so happy for about eighteen hours and now im back in a horrible depression not wanting to do anything and thinking about pulling a Kurt Cobain. I fell literally sick to my stomach and numb to my soul...and I dont know what to do. Im so so tired and wanted to be happy agian and was for a short time only to have it ripped away agian. I just dont know anymore. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/21/2009 9:00:39 AM | You can avoid this be not going out with and having sex with her.
She is fire. Ouch. Hot. Stay back.
???
Nobody tore your heart out. You made a fool of yourself. That happens when you attach your emotions to someone and follow them around doing whatever lets you be with them. You're supposed to have a mind of your own, know what you want and think about things before putting yourself into emotional situations that risk more than you can handle if it goes wrong. You'll keep getting upset unless you wise up. Don't worry about what she did, worry about why you volunteered to leave it up to her how you feel. How come you think you love her? That's not even close to love. It's some kind of desperation. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:20:03 PM | | If its not love then...what is it. Honestly I never saw myself letting some person upset me this much. But for whatever reason it is. Im just trying to figure out why and how I can be happy on my own agian. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/21/2009 5:25:45 PM | We're started out in life as being entirely dependent and without a separate identity, then develop and mature to the point of separating from that original relationship. The establishment of our autonomous selves, in the beginning of adulthood, is when we go from being the "us" of the parent-child relationship to being our independent self. For those many years growing up we live daily in a condition of emotional dependency or attachment. When development is not successful in establishing an autonomous identity, when independence is not achieved, then the sexual imperative to form an adult attachment with a mate can become a transferred continuation of the childhood dependency. The need then is to be attached to someone, and the loneliness at work is not just the reproductive one but it is also the childhood one. Like in childhood, being attached is critical. Being alone is terrifying. This makes the seemingly adult relationship a kind of clinging on to the mother or father figure, with the same aspect of dependency. That other person leads, is overly needed, and the attachment is desperate. It's not possible to have an interdependency because only one person is responsible.
When someone is overly dependent they can think of it as a romantic devotion. Their emotions are about maintaining the attachment no matter what. It's that "no matter what" that is the difference between a mature relationship and one that carries forward the dependency of childhood. It resembles love, as a child loves its parent, but in adults it can't work. The adult version of love can certainly be profound, deep, important, but it is not desperate, because maturity brings responsibility. The person does not see the other as the end all and be all, the source and cause of their own feelings. Instead, they recognize their own hand in things, seeing that their emotions are within themselves and they know they have choices, and to consider consequences. Love is then conducted by mutual consent and with an awareness that children can't have. Adult love is more like an appreciation for someone than an irrational need to be with them and accepted by them.
Being happy is a sometimes thing. We are happy sometimes, and unhappy sometimes. It can be thought of as enjoying conditions and circumstances that are pleasing, and relatively trouble free. In an overly dependent relationship unhappiness comes from the constant anxiety of losing the attachment. Happiness comes only in moments of being shown that you are accepted, that the attachment is safe. As adults we understand that happiness is independent of being loved or not. Being loved can make us happy, but since we are responsible for our own mind, our own mood, it is for us to choose how to react to what people do. Happiness is about how we see things. It is not dependent on someone providing the unconditional affection and security that a parent gives a child. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/21/2009 6:00:37 PM | | Farceur are you by any chance a supporter of Freudian pshychoanalysis becuase that actually sounded like something Freud would say himself. That if I am understnading what you are saying correctly that as children we become dependant on the love/support of our parents. And that if we dont properly develop we end up transferring this need unto a member of the sex we prefer in a relationship. There is certainly plenty of evidence to support your theory. I did feel very secure with her and became in a way dependant on that feeling of security. I know you said mature well adjusted adults dont fear losing these connections with someone to a degree that others do because they love themsleves and are secure in their own skin so to speak. All I know is that she made me very happy and being discraded the way that I was recently has gotten me back into a deep state of depression. I think of myself as a mature person I realize things always dont end up the way that you want or expect them to. Weaither the true cause of this is lost love or something deeper inside of me is something I would like to know. My thoughts keep turning to her like some kind of endless self inflicted nightmare. I wanted to save her and make her happy and thus myself happy. But now im just struggleing to save myself. | |
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| Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them
Posted: 9/21/2009 6:16:08 PM | | It's normal to regress into a desperate feeling of loss, grief and confusion, because, after all, that is the emotional way of things when we lose someone we love. That initial response happens. OK, then how do you think about what you're going through? It's in the thinking about it that the difference is made. Without the mature awareness, we are stuck entirely in the throes of the emotional devastation. Add in a bit of reflection, some objective oversight, the broader adult perspective, and then you have a way to progress from the anguish to an acceptance tempered by philosophy. Cry like a baby, for sure, but then also come to see that you're not one. Saving yourself is unnecessary because there is no factual mortal danger, there is just a collapse of emotion that feels like the world is ending. It feels that way, but it is not that way. Have the feelings but remember what they are, and that as they run their course, when the immediacy and the blinding pain subsides, the sun comes up and a new day begins. Your only real danger is if you take it as seriously overall as it feels bad in a given moment, and act out that despair in a self-destructive way. Assuming you don't do that, then it's like a passing storm, so hunker down and trust in the world being made of more than your immediate pain. | |
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