| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/18/2009 9:58:13 PM | I have been around here for a while reading threads and making friends. I figure I would share my life with the broken heart experiences. There seems to be some nice fellows and some great woman with broken hearts, here is my tale.
I went to high school with a girl and we got along great though never past friends. I left for the military and came home 2 years later and we got in touch again. She had a 6 month old son by now. That did not bother me and we dated. We ended up getting married and were together for 6 years.
After we were married for 3 years she asked me to consider adopting her son because the father was never around nor did he meet his son. I said yes and the court battle and the adoption process went forward.
20 thousand I took out of my saving, retirement and inheritance to adopt this child. 3 years of going back and forth to court because his real father tried to fight it, we finally won.
2 days later I was served divorce papers with a letter inside. This letter said " thanks for adopting him, now u can pay child support, this was the only way. I never loved you I just needed someone to help me with my son." she was remarried the same day the divorce was final.
Ok then busted heart number #1, that destroyed me. It took time lots of time. I did not go on a date for 2 years, and cried for many nights. Lost weight, motivation, and just the will to be happy.
Fast forward 2 years from divorce. I met a girl from here, we got along great. We were together about a year when she got a new job as a waitress. 2 weeks into the job she meets a new friend, she cheats and tells me she met someone else and is going to move in with them.
F&*K Ok broken heart #2. That hurt like hell. I kept asking myself what the hell is going on? so again took some time off to re group and fix myself
Last but not least the last one. I worked with a girl for a long time. Thought she was pretty and very sweet. We dated about 4 months and let me tell u it was wonderful! I thought she was the one, I know what your thinking. How can someone be the one in 4 months? Well you just get a feeling and you fall for them not to mention i knew her long before.
We used to talk allot at work about relationships and just general fun stuff and when we started dating it was magic, we were like peas and carrots hahhaha. She was never married living with her dad and he was a really nice guy.
She brought up us living together and finding a place. i agreed and we went looking. We found a place.
The next day she calls, " I dont want to be with you anymore" I plead I tell her I love her and please stay.
She hangs up and I try to call no answer. the next day I send about 5 text messages wanting to talk. She replies that night " I want nothing to do with you, when u send someone 5 text messages and they don't reply your a stalker"
I tried to call a few day later and she had her number changed. Too this day I never knew why, but i do know that she is still single.
Damn that one hurt the most of them all. I really loved this girl of what i knew of her or u could say " IN LOVE"
^&^%^** damn #3, well here i am folks another 6 month break the pain went away.
Its like a scar, you see the open wound and it hurts bad. in time that wound heals but scar is faint and still can be found if you look real hard.
I just wanted to give my 2 cents and say guys and girls, give yourself time to heal. If you dont u will keep that wound open. its very hard. I can say this from my heart to yours it feels like death sometimes. keep your chin up and that heart will mend.
You will learn new things, even though your in pain right now it will pass with time and effort on your own behalf.
Everybody who says keep yourself busy is in my book 100 percent correct. | |
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/18/2009 10:55:50 PM | Shug your ID is a bit of a tell all.
I am thinking probably one you selected because of your career, however after looking at 3 of your relationships it would seem you also have selected women who seemed to need saving in some way as well...
Girl one used you, and by her own admission that she wrote(?) she was using you, personally I would have taken that straight to your attorney to undo what she manipulated you into doing...
Seems like a long time ago, and depending on jurisdictional rules, that type of thing could have really gone against her...I don't know, just saying...
I can go on, but the next two are less defined by your post, however I would guess that when you came along there was a certain amount of "rescuing" you were doing, and at first that was really cool, great, and all that, BUT then they wanted someone that wasn't "saving them". Chances are if you take a look at them, they selected someone else that they have to prove themselves over and over...
I would take a look at these women again, and then think of the dynamics of your relationship.
First one seems obvious, has a 6 mo old, no baby daddy, and no way to get life moving forward; said it herself she just used you to get what she wanted.
I have had my broken hearts as well, and found that taking time out is one thing, but really looking at the type of people I fell for, and the dynamics of the relationship, then heal from there.
At your age you may want to NOT date someone you need to rescue. Look for someone that is a stand alone kind of gal, and learn that she is just as worth while, because she will be in the relationship because of her feelings, and not what she things she needs...
JMHO | |
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:08:23 PM | | You may be correct. I was a firefighter/medic for 15 years for chicago. I honestly could not take it anymore, this the name. I just got a job talking with teen agers and doing firefighting part time. so much relief. I just want people to know it will get better. | |
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:56:57 PM | Sharing is a good thing. Thank you.
I just want people to know it will get better.
Yes, it does. We can compare scars, cover them up, or we accept them as part of who we are.
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/19/2009 7:21:23 AM | Perhaps the drive to rescue, is an expression of needing to feel/be needed? The need to feel needed - albeit, maybe to various extents - that, truth be told .... I think is an underlying fact with the vast majority of all people.
I feel your pain; I can definitely relate to it. Your strength, in not only your post, but your willingness to share it is apparent; at least to me, anyway.
Somewhere out there is a woman that will respect, and honor, the position that she will have in your life, and the position you have in hers.
Thank you for sharing; and, best wishes in your endeavor to find her, OP. :hug: | |
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/19/2009 8:00:38 AM | OP, I agree with Nextyme that you are the caretaker type (as I am) who is attracted to the wounded birds of society needing your help. The problem is not that you want to help people. That is a very desirable trait. Rather, the problem is that your desire to be needed far exceeds your desire to be loved for what you are. That is, your sense of self esteem (like mine) relies too heavily on doing things for people instead of the recognition that you are loveable for what you already are.
To get a better understanding of how this occurs in men, please take a look at Shari Shreiber's website at GettinBetter.com/anycost.html. As a therapist, she gives the best explanation I have ever seen as to how some of us learn at a very young age that "love" means we must tend to others' needs even when doing so is to our great detriment.
Until you understand the futility of trying to "fix" vulnerable women in a LTR, you will be a sitting duck for women with strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). They can spot us caretakers across a crowded room. Indeed, the incredibly mean behavior of your ex-wife is the very type of behavior that a BPD sufferers are capable of -- because their thinking is very black and white, they can easily flip from completely adoring you to hating you. So I recommend that you start taking care of yourself by becoming more self aware. | |
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/19/2009 12:22:55 PM | Goodness gracious, this post makes me want to call 911 for your heartache! But, I have learned how the 'rescuer story' ends up, and know that the journey of learning, discovering, healing is on you and there ain't a darned thing I can do to help a wounded soul like you cuz your consequences follow your choices. I am kind of curious tho what your family story is like and if you have unresolved abandonment issues from childhood.-hence the constant abandon from primary partners. One thing I have learned is that noone can abandon me unless I abandon my own self first in loyalty to an abandoner over myself. I'm sorry for how greatly you have suffered, know it hurts like heck and hope you learn how to take care of your own self and not just everyone else!  Wiyan | |
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/19/2009 12:46:40 PM | I think downtowndc has something there...
I didn't look at the aspect of the personality disorders of these women, however as Wiyan has stated you have to look at your reason for taking on women who seem to be so needy. That childhood experience is so great at tainting how we choose partners... this I know way to well...
It would be nice to say well all wounds can just scare over, but the fact is scare tissue can still hurt. It gets tight and pulls and tears inside, causing pain and doubt of the healing process, even when it is emotional...
This I know to well. We can get to a point where we feel healed, then feel the need to share and help others, because that is what makes so much sense. It is good, it can be truly helpful, however not as a partner, simply because people who aren't healed themselves will drain us of the healed energy we have so little of.
You took on a very big rescuer role, I know all about it, I did too, I was an X ray tech. LOVED LOVED LOVED the job, I was there and gave unconditional care and nurture to people I didn't have to get to close to.
I was a great x ray tech.
Doing research into personality disorders IS a good idea, you will get a picture of what a broken winged woman can do, and how she becomes this type of person. I took abnormal psychology, and loved the class. Learned a lot, however came out drained, because I felt the need to correct the thinking of how an abused being comes out as an adult...
People wanted to know what happened, and of course I'm healed I can talk about the me from then...right???
Well that is like tearing out a sealed closet, and putting it back together after others have pawed through your hurt, shame and grief...Drained....
I am wondering if you are as healed as you'd like to be, simply because that is where your depth of loving and compassion for this part of the human condition can get so deep. You can be so accepting and understanding of another's flaws and limitations, which blinds you to what they may really be looking for...
You can be to willing to share you own pain and hurts, as well as insecurities, which can cause others to look at you as weak and broken on a long term basis... It is ok when you are helping for the moment, that compassion is golden, and the understanding never is to much.
In a relationship it is a totally different story.
I don't know you, but if this fits, then you have more work to do. It is ok, because for those of us who have had messed up childhoods, young teens, or adulthoods, we can heal, and close off the closet. We just need a different type of mate, one that isn't as dependent on us as we think they are... Just a thought | |
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/19/2009 3:39:35 PM | thanks all for the comments. I am not sure about the last 2 relationships but i know the first u are correct. There was a rescuing involved there if u look in depth in it. The next 2 relationships i don't think i did much of that but i could be wrong, it takes a outsider looking in.
I am very reserved person by nature i guess. I have been with those 3 in the last 15 years. maybe my experience or expectations were off, who knows
I must say i did lose some trust for woman after that. After i rebuilt myself i knew i could not blame all the ladies for one's mistake or lies.
I could not date someone when there were feelings of miss trust in my head. That is not fair to anybody involved. So i choose to be solo until those feelings dissipate.
I try to go into a relationship with full trust and a clear head,if there is not trust u dont have jack crap anyway lol
I have seen people get dumped after a few year relationship and be hurt, then be in a new relationship 1 week later.
WOW i say how can u do that? I take as much time as i need to clear my head of that person. Then after that is done i take additional time for me and me alone. | |
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/19/2009 8:28:15 PM | Wow. I thought I had a rough story to tell about past relationships. I'm sorry about your losses born2rescue. I can't even begin to speculate as to the "why" of it but it sounds like you're headed in the right direction as far as your attitude is concerned.
I went in a different direction. After my last significant, I gave up completely. And I don't mean in the way that people give up by throwing their hands up in the air and then getting involved after the dust has settled but I mean truly gave up on romantic relationships as a luxury that I can afford.
I view romantic relationships much the same way as I view gambling. One can never know what to expect and I found the losses too great to bare. I finally had to resign myself to the idea that either I was a horrible judge of character or that I created the situations I got myself into. I still don't have a concrete knowledge of the "why" of it but I feel a sort of relief that it isn't any longer something I have to worry about finding.
Still there is a "weirdness" in the letting go. I never ever thought I would reach a point like this. But it's a strange kind of acceptance, like a death in a way. I see friends and family members hooking up with their next prospect and it doesn't even occur to me that I'll entertain that again. It even feels strange admitting that LOL!
But it's a lot like the lottery, love...some win and some just don't. Some spend all their money on trying to win and never get ahead. Some buy just one ticket and they are set for life.
I don't buy lottery tickets either. | |
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/19/2009 8:35:03 PM | Wow, dude, I read that and was a bit taken aback. Particularly with the marriage/adoption/divorce thing. That just about blew my top. I'm not one to condone violence, but that chick needs to get **** slapped...that's like evil in it's purest form. I hope that you took her to court and aren't paying child support these days. I would think that little note from your ex-wife would more than convince a judge that there was conspiracy involved.
I think what others are saying about the types of women that you pursue is certainly something to look into. The common circumstances between all your loves is a little bit uncanny. You need to understand why you're falling for these types of women - is it a self-esteem issue, is it just whatever comes your way, is it lack of communication, is it moving too fast or is it being naive on your end? Self-introspection is one of the best ways to gain wisdom and avoid future mistakes.
I know from my personal experience that I can usually sniff out someone who's interested in my money, is looking for a sugar daddy or has some type of ulterior motive. I have decent intuition, but as for you, were there warning signs that you didn't heed? Did you bother to reflect upon the situation after it was done?
Then again, you could have done everything right and I know there's just some psychotic women out there and some of them have gotten very good at hiding it. I've even been situations where my BS meter didn't start ringing until it was too late. Sometimes these women think they can get over on us.
It's good to know that you're doing the right things and getting over it. You're right that keeping busy, taking the time and learning from your mistakes is the best possible outcome to any situation like this that goes south. | |
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:58:42 AM | Santa Luciaaaaaaaa, not to sound hard but the bottom line is you picked these women, It does smell like your rescuing damsels in distress mentality, you know what they say when you attempt to rescue a damsel in distress, you end up with a distress damsel,By getting involved with weak, flaky, needy emotionally unstable women.
Look....you sound like a good guy, and posting this thread will definitely help the ones who are suffering from broken hearts recently , I hope in the future you will use discernment when meeting a new woman, look for the red flags and learn how to duck and not rescue the distress damsel. | |
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| broken hearted-too all
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:33:33 AM | Man, oh man..first, I feel for you. It's hard to have this happen, not once, but 3 times and thank you for sharing the story.
Yes, I do believe that part of this is what is making you attracted to these types of women, becuase even though you said in another post that number 2 and 3 were not damsels in distress truth is...they were.
But look at it for what it was:
I never loved you I just needed someone to help me with my son." she was remarried the same day the divorce was final.
Read that carefully. You were young when you married her but you gave love to her and her child. Just because she didn't reciprocate that love doesn't make you a failure. She will reap what she sowed and sit and wonder why she never feels loved.
she got a new job as a waitress
What was her old job? Did she even have a job when you met her? Something makes me think that she was looking for someone to just take care of her and passed you off when she thought she had a better offer.
We used to talk allot at work about relationships and just general fun stuff .... She was never married living with her dad and he was a really nice guy.
Think about what you used to talk about with relationships. Was it that she told you how hurt she was in the past or how she never found a good guy? I don't need to hear the answer but it may show you how she really was a damsel in distress. Also, how old was she? To be never married and still living at home, maybe she didn't want to give up that 'security' that she thought she had living at home.
You deserve so much more than what these women had to offer you. Maybe that is what you need to look at with the next relationship. Not so much what you can give them, but what they can give to you. It should be what I like to call an 'equal exchange of energy' and if they don't have anything to bring to the table, it will be their loss, not yours.
Good luck | |
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