| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:12:42 PM | My 13 year old daughter (grade 8) who lives with me leaves wet towels laying on the floor in her bed-room, plus other articles of clothes including dirty undies, food containers etc. She gets an allowance for keeping her room clean and helping out with dishes ($10 per week). When she doesn't tidy her area up, she doesn't get her allowance.
But there are other things that tick me off. Candy wrappers getting left in the living room, tags from clothes being discarded wherever she decides to cut them off. Containers that should go in one of the recycle bins get left on the counter for Dad. Bookbags, jackets, shoes, miscellaneous papers, and garbage get dropped any place (she doesn't get paid to clean any of the other rooms).
So what about you other single parents with kids? Is CHILD MAID stamped on your forehead too? How do you guys deal with this? What do you expect from your kids short of paying them for every time they lift a finger?
Thanks,
Mac | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:26:20 PM | Everything that gets left out that should have been put away (bookbags, shoes, clothes) goes in a big black garbage bag.....then she would have to earn her stuff back by doing extra chores.
as for the garbage she leaves laying about, gather it up, put everything on top of her bed, she will have to clean it off if she wants to sleep in it at night.
just my $.02 | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:27:50 PM | Must be a 13 yr old thing, because mine is just as bad. Take away the phone and computer, and they straighten out for a bit.
And you should have to pay them to clean their rooms, lock her up in the pig sty if she won't ckean it. | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:48:17 PM | i've taken somewhat of the opposite position with my girls........in that i don't care how messy their rooms get, how long they go without doing their laundry, how many books, papers, garbage (non-food), clothes, shoes, etc etc etc that they leave lying around in their rooms, but their mess is confined to their rooms.
i'll ask once for them to pick up and after that anything that i have to pick up from the common living areas gets immediately chucked into the garbage and if they want it replaced they buy it themselves.
it took only once for my 13 year old having to buy a new pair of "favorite" converse sneakers, and my 12 year old having to buy a new replacement book for the library, and 1 temper tantrum each for the lesson to be learned.....they are now scrupulous about picking their things up.
now if i could only cure my son of his incessant cleaning all would be well......serious neat freak which ironically can be just as annoying! | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/20/2009 1:39:34 PM | I agree with Back4More...take her privileges away and don't let her have friends over until she starts showing you, herself and her home respect...tell her she is not entertaining friends in her pig sty room
also mention she isn't getting paid to clean her own mess...CLEANED not STASHED in closets and under bed lol...reward her with hugs and telling her "good job"
allowance is for doing extra chores around the house...ie: vacuuming, emptying dishwasher etc.
kids are kids yes and will push your limits daily, however it is up to us the parents to teach the child/ren responsibility and structure and prepare them for life...that is our "homework" lol...
girls are very moody at that age Mac, (have 2) puberty, more interest in boys and all the drama at school ...pic your battles hun and breath...in thru the nose, out thru the mouth lol
you are a very good dad to nip this in the bud now ...your rewards will come later as she blooms into a very respectful, sweet and clean young lady...
Cheers to you Mac Daddy! | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/20/2009 3:11:59 PM | Thank you for the ideas. They are all good. LOL... just a matter of finding out which one will work with her.
I might try taking away her laptop first. She doesn't use the phone much -- uses mostly Facebook and Yahoo messenger to chat with all of her friends.
I don't want this experience to be too painful for either of us. What would you do? Just restrict her for the length of time it takes her to clean up her mess? Or would you take it away for the day?
Thanks,
Mac | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/20/2009 4:15:21 PM | simple...new house rule...no computer daily until chores are done first...but do the girl a solid lol...first time, no computer privilege for only the length of time it takes her to clean up properly to your standards (u don't want to put the girl into cardiac arrest lmao)...then computer gone for the day if she doesn't follow the new house rule after that...that rule works both ways Mac lol...teach by example...show her you're not running to machine til your main house chores done first too
get use to the crocodile tears...girls know how to work daddies, tears usually always work lol...be strong...she'll still love you Mac...she may not like you very much at that moment but oh well...life sucks at times for all of us in the real world...she'll get over it quickly and will soon figure out you mean what you say if you keep your foot down and be consistent...worked for me
lol...tell her you called "Dial-A- B*tch" for advice "how to compromise with teenage girls"...lol...put the blame on me if you want lmao
good luck, stay strong ...kk...
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/20/2009 5:09:47 PM | I don't have any children; but my room is messy alot, when I am not too busy or tired, I get a chance and clean it.. | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/20/2009 5:29:28 PM | geez Katie...do we have to go take your machine from you? just kidding...
I know mine gets disorganized at times when life is pulling me in 101 directions at once, however, when home long enough to get at it, I gotta do it...drives me nuts to look at it..wayyyy too many clothes, especially this time of year when we have 3 seasons in one day... gotta stay styl'n tho lol | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:39:09 AM | i don't know but i've always found the "taking away of privledges" til you do your chores rather ineffective in the long run.....
1) come home from work and find childs possessions strewn around the house
2) tell child: no computer/phone/allowence til your things are cleaned up
3) mad dash to clean up
4) computer/phone/allowence allowed
5) child gets off computer/phone/spends allowence and leaves things laying about again
6) repeat
7) over and over and over
gets rather tiring and strife filled after awhile!
although my throwing out of their things may seem rather drastic it did in effect literally guarantee that they clean up when they are asked, no bargaining, no take backs and hassle...its just done
but as mentioned it is only for our common living areas....their rooms are their spaces and they can keep them as messy or as neat as they want. i have found though that they actually keep their rooms more on the neater side of messy than the vast majority of their friends...:) | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/21/2009 7:06:39 AM | | ^^The occasional purge seems to work for me as well. My biggest issue is things just dumped close to a garbage receptacle, rather than in them. It only takes 2 seconds to pick it up , and discard of it properly. | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/21/2009 7:51:23 AM |
although my throwing out of their things may seem rather drastic it did in effect literally guarantee that they clean up when they are asked, no bargaining, no take backs and hassle...its just done
I do like this idea. But... where her only source of income is me, then if I threw out (for example) her sneakers, that I bought and paid for, then she is replacing them with her allowance -- which is again, money from me. So it's my money (more or less) that's paying for discarded items.
Granted, it may take her six weeks to save up for them, supposing they cost $60, and she would have to do without, while she saved the money. I guess I'm looking for a less costly solution. I agree the situation where she cleans up before she is allowed to use her laptop might get tiring, but after repeated offenses, she will have to go a day without it -- moving right along, later it could be two days or more.
No guarantee that this will work, I know. But I'll give it a try and see how it goes. If I have to change my strategy later, I may choose the option you suggest.
Thank you,
Mac | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/21/2009 1:51:59 PM | But... where her only source of income is me, then if I threw out (for example) her sneakers, that I bought and paid for, then she is replacing them with her allowance -- which is again, money from me. So it's my money (more or less) that's paying for discarded items.
well this is true enough, i guess it works for me because my kids make a fair amount of their own spending money by doing chores for neighbors, dog walking, shovelling, gardening, taking out garbage and collecting recycling...... that sort of thing. because they earn it themselves they have become quite acutely aware of its value; both in how much work it takes to save for what they want, and how they felt when they had to replace an item they worked for originally.
they do get an allowance from me but of course it doesn't nearly cover all the things they want all the time and it goes totally against my grain to "over provide" possessions for my kids or buy into the whole "they have to have it" thing.....
so they work and they save and when they need new sneakers or some other thing i provide what i consider a resonable amount and if they want expensive converse or ugs or any thing along that line they put in the rest from their own money.
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:47:50 PM | | try looking up the flylady.com. It has helped me a bunch! Also any parenting books by kevin leman have been very easy to read and very helpful! goodluck1 | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/22/2009 7:36:04 AM | | Mac it's a respect issue. Plain and simple she does not respect what you provide her with or what you do for her...........my daughter is going on 18 , believe me it doesn't get any easier for you. They think you owe them something. I can't wait till some poor sap marries it and takes it away. | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/22/2009 10:23:12 AM | It certainly seems that way Killer. I think I'll tell her that... and it's not only about when she's home. When she is at her favourite Aunt's place, or grandmothers, etc... it's a show of respect and courtesy to pick up after yourself. I think if I broached the topic with her using this angle, I might have better luck.
She does have a good heart, and is sensitive towards other people's feelings.
Thanks for bringing this up. It give me more ideas :-)
And thank you to all of the others here, who have chimed in with other great ideas.
Best Regards,
Mac | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/25/2009 6:04:29 PM | | A kids room is their little domain. No one tells you how to keep your house. If you're messy or neat, thats your perogative..but kids don't get any say in what happens in their own room. My friend used to fight with her kid every day..to the point it was ruining their relationship. I finally convinced her to let her have her own space. She made her a deal. You want clean clothes, they have to make it to the laundry room. No food in your room. Mess only in your room. After about a week of not having clean clothes...the clothes made it to the laundry room. It was messy for a bit..but slowly her daughter felt like she had control over her own space and liked it to be "stylish". It didn't take long and her room was probably neater then her mothers house. You'd also be amazed at how it changed their relationship. Seriously, people need to stop sweathing the small stuff. Worry about drugs and friends and school. ..those things are important. I used to be a huge pig when I was growing up. We fought like cats/dogs. I'm now much neater then they are..and fighting about my room never accomplished anything except for being pissed off people. | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:03:21 AM |
I agree with tallgirl
Other than food & wet towels, don't sweat the small stuff
I have a 14 yr old daughter who is no Martha Stewart
She is also not smoking, drinking, using drugs or having sex
She is home in her own bed every night & I always know where she is (within reason) & who she is with (for the most part)
My bf and I have a few spats about that
Sure a clean room is nice, but I'll take the good kid over the good housekeeper in a heart beat | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:54:15 PM | | Here's a thought. Close their door. Make them do chores or keep the common areas clean..but let them have some small space that they get to be in charge of. You make all the rules, make all the decisions. From what they can do, what they can eat, what time they come in, etc etc. I'd bet most parents weren't all that neat when they were kids either. Its amazing how as soon as you get the "parent" gene you forget what it was like. | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/27/2009 8:47:35 AM | on another parental note though i have to say i got a bit of a shock last night as to just how invasive/persuasive/insidious the whole cell phone and electronic phenomena has become among young teens.........
last night was my thirteen year old daughters party; so i had 19 young teens here...12/13/14 year olds; and out of the 19 kids only 3 did not have cell phones...(my 3, lol)
now although i knew most of the kids have cells these days i wasn't quite prepared when it came to actually watching the effect on them. other than music and eating and a bit of dancing the whole party was a a non-stop cellathon.....texting, talking, photographing, videoing, facebooking, posting etc.....rather than talk.they actually text each other from upstairs/downstairs/one room to the next.
.....now when i was young.....:) | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:51:09 AM | Thanks again for all the great advice.
Last night was my daughter's 13th year old birthday party too. Well, we celebrated it last night -- she doesn't actually turn 13 until tomorrow.
She goes on cell-phone binges. She keeps up with all the texting and mesasaging for a few days and then it seems to overwhelm her at times. She will lay the cell-phone down and not pick it up again for a few days.
Faceboo0k email --same thing. I sent her an email message one day on Facebook. She said no-one reads facebook emails because they get too many of them. If you want to chat with her you have to get on the IM or text her.
.....now when i was young.....:)
LOL... agreed.
Regards,
Mac | |
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| Parental advice please?
Posted: 9/27/2009 3:02:19 PM | You know, seems pretty normal to me. I deal with the same thing, except the wet towels. Mine each have a hook on their door and they have a favorite towel so that got fixed up pretty quick. I'll badger if other stuff is left around the house or I'll put it away and then they can't find it  So they tend to try to put their stuff away before me. As for their rooms, I don't deal with them. They do their own laundry, something I instituted a while ago.
I don't pay my kids. Unless it is a huge job but my income has gone down and I can't afford it. I do leave lists of chores and I'm not always guaranteed about getting them done but I try to be fair about it. They'll cook meals on occasion too which is a help.
Lately I've simply said that if they can't help out, I can't drive them where they want to go. They can bus it or arrange a ride. My kids don't much like to walk or bus it so they've been better. The fact is if I am driving them all over the place I don't have time to do all the chores, so they can do some. If they don't want to do them, I'll use the driving time I save to do the chores and they can walk.
As for cell phones, I hate them. But I finally relented because my kids like to go out and socialize and I want instant access to know where they are. For me it is a safety issue. Although I must say I've kept them to just texting as I don't want the waves going through their little brain cases. | |
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