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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:23:27 PM | Okay, first off I know some of you are going to be going straight to my profile to check things out and try and get a back story of whatever it is people look at them for, but please don't judge and compare my profile to what I am writing in this thread.
It has been a hell of a year- my bf has cheated and lied and broke promise after promise- leaving me crying every day even to the point of making myself sick from crying so much- i know in part i bring it on myself because im allowing it to happen to me by being the one who stays anyway. He was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and with his meds he says hes fine but without them he is a horrible person-- we just got back from a great weekend vacation with his two little kids (usually with thier mother) but he ran out of pills this weekend and hes back to his old antics of only being all about him and lying and flirting (thats as far as it goes. so far) i know i SHOULD leave him but i still cant bring myself to do it- no matter how many times he hurts me-- how do i give myself that permission to let go? what makes it even harder i moved out last big fight to a town i dont know anyone- i still havent found a job yet and im alone- all the time- sucks cause i stand strong on leaving then 2 seconds later im wanting him back- hes a good guy but he ****s up soo much. advice? | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:37:48 PM | Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy what a catch, can you find a me a woman with his characteristics? he lies, cheats, diagnosed with BPD, and he takes meds? Ok.... Im going to ask , what makes him a good guy?
Go home to your friggen parents and stop acting like a gagoots, he's a loser plain and simple, go back home or find a close friend or family member, work on getting a job, and relegate this loser to the past tense. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:37:55 PM | know i SHOULD leave him but i still cant bring myself to do it- no matter how many times he hurts me-- how do i give myself that permission to let go?
holy hell girl, being alone isn't the end of the world, ya know. as a matter of fact, it's infinitely preferable to being in the situation you're embroiled in now.
you give yourself permission to let go by deciding that you actually deserve better. UNLESS and UNTIL you can do that, you are pretty much stuck with the status quo, sorry to say. and if it ain't this guy, it will be the next loser who comes along....
so what's it gonna be? this is not a trick question! | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:52:10 PM | You know what to do, and no stranger on the internet needs to give you permission to do so. What would you tell your best friend if she were in this situation? Now, take that advice and follow it.
Also, counseling might be helpful to you to build that bruised self esteem up a bit so there is not a next time with this kind of situation.
It might be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you can do it. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:10:39 PM | | Two words....bi-polar disorder. If he's not under a doctors care-taking meds on schedule, eating on schedule, getting bloodwork done once a month until he "levels out"... after about 3- 6 mos. of this you might have some semblance of a" normal "relationship. Other wise, don't think you can ever "understand" why he does what he does. Remember, it is a medical condition, if left untreated the relationship will be nothing less than total chaos. Been there, done that...unfortunately. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:24:39 PM | You have to give yourself permission to give yourself permission to let it go. You are holding back giving yourself permission because you don't think you should allow yourself to give yourself permission. That's not as crazy at it sounds.
We operate within a framework or personal reality or mindset, call it what you will, that is like a conscience being overseen by another level of conscience. There is what we think, and then there is what we think of what we think. For some reason while you do know what to do, you don't think that is really what you should do.
In the case of ending a relationship, no matter how you would end it, for whatever reason, if you still partly want it to continue then no way to end it will satisfy that desire to keep it going. So you keep looking for the solution that does the impossible, which is to end it but also keep it going. Given the conditions, ending it makes sense. But you still want to solve the problem of being in the position of having no choice but to end it.
The reason you can't let go is because even while you realize this man is not the one to be with, the bigger problem is that by giving up on the relationship you would have to accept the fact that you have been loving unwisely. That means your idea of love was wrong, your choice was wrong, your dreams led to disaster. It puts the very idea of love itself in the balance. It's love that you don't want to give up on. It's as if as soon as you admit this went all wrong, love slips from your grasp.
The good news is that as soon as you put this one behind you you can get to learning from it, get yourself back from this madness of confusion and pain, and have the way clear ahead of you for love that will work out like it should. You won't be losing anything, really, you'll just be looking up from the small nightmare, awaking up from it, and in so doing, opening up to much better possibilities.
Give yourself permission to allow yourself to own up to the mistake, so you can regroup and try again later. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:44:36 PM | Good.
You moved out, live an hour away, signed a one year lease and guess what's going to happen now?
You are going to get on with your life.
You are going to find a job, even if it not the one that 'fulfils' you, because that one will come.
You will work to pay your bills and support yourself.
You will drag yourself out of bed every morning, scared witless, get ready for the day and go to work.
You will drag yourself home every night, sip a hot tea after your smallish supper, have a hot bath, maybe read a book or watch a movie on dvd.
You will find a place to shop that is close by.
You will learn to cook differently.
You will clean your place, take care of your laundry and then guess what happens?
The year will go by, you will look in the mirror one morning when you realize you did not cry yourself to sleep or drag yourself out of bed.
You will have realized that you are just fine.
^^BG^^ | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:49:46 PM | You don't need permission to leave - you need permission to value yourself.
YOU are the most important person in your life. Only YOU can take care of yourself - nobody else will will put you first. Most other people are caught up in their own lives - and your boyfriend seems very much in that boat.
Reach out to those who care about you - friends, family, etc. You might be surprised where you can find support.
Batgirl gave you good advice - step by step you can change your life for the better. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 6:58:30 AM | | Posts like this make me sad. Please, please value yourself more than this! How can a man who does the things you describe, be a "good guy?" Having the right man in your life is a wonderful thing, but nothing can be worse than being involved with someone who doesn't treat you well. None of us are perfect, but no one deserves to be used and abused. It's really pretty simple. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:49:48 AM | Okay, you have permission to go live your own life.
Lose this guy, then...
Go to the bookstore or library, go to the Self Help section (no, you may not ask a salesperson what you should buy, that defeats the purpose, no?) get a book on learning how to say NO (which, oddly enough, most mothers teach that to their daughters first thing) and How to Build some Self Esteem.
but, that's just my opinion. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 12:08:49 PM | Perhaps you've named the wrong diagnosis. There are no meds for Borderline Personality Disorder. It is not a biological condition. It is a faulty way of relating to the world. Key phrase being "personality disorder" just like a sociopath has a personality disorder and meds don't work on them either.
Maybe you meant to say he is Bipolar. There ARE meds for people who are bipolar. And very often bipolar patients go off their meds on purpose. It's the nature of the disease. Bipolar IS chemical and drugs help control the manias and depressions.
Anyway, I hope you get all the practical stuff in order, like a job that pays your bills, so you can get the hell out of a situation that is causing you such misery. If you stay you already know how it's going to be. Question is: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST BY LOVING YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU LOVE HIM. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 12:28:56 PM | I'm confused why you need to give yourself permission to let go? Who's the boss of you? You are very young but you are also an adult! No one needs to give you permission to do anything much less you need to give yourself permission. Educate yourself on boarderline personality disorder. Its very hard to get this diagnosis. I have met someone with it and my god i couldn't understand how anyone could be in a relationship with someone with this disorder unless they had the same condition.
I don't know what it is you believe that holds you back from making good choices for yourself but if you don't start examining that it will get worse. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 2:29:25 PM | Okay, first off I know some of you are going to be going straight to my profile to check things out and try and get a back story of whatever it is people look at them for, but please don't judge and compare my profile to what I am writing in this thread.
You want us to give you psychological advice, but you don't want us to do it with all available information. Yeah, that's rational (where's my sarcasm font?)
my bf has cheated and lied and broke promise after promise
I'm sorry.
i know in part i bring it on myself
Given he's doing this abusive behavior frequently enough to leave you crying each and every day... I will fix this statement for you: I know the pattern of behavior my BF has, and by staying with him I choose to allow him to do this to me.
how do i give myself that permission to let go?
Sounds like there are some deep issues here - starting with your irrational thought processes. Seek professional help. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 2:31:44 PM | He has gone to a therapist who diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder- went to a MD and was told it was a mood disorder and got stuck on Zyprexa (it makes him incredibly sleepy so hes switching to a new one)
and why do people have to be punished for something they cannot help. HE IS SICK!
does that mean that he or anyone else with this disorder does not deserve to be loved? | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 2:44:06 PM | So why whine about it and ask " how do i get myself permission to let this go?"
You either put up with the crap and make excuses or do what women that have more than a modicum of intelligence do and kick him to the curb, you're going to blame his BPD for him fooling around on you too?
That reminds me of a thread I read a while back about this woman complaining about her boyfriend and claims he's a great guy, but right now he's a guest of the government for the next 5 years for distributing cocaine ( or something like that) and beating up a sheriff and he has a violent temper other then that--- he's a great guy
Hey it's your sanity not ours. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 2:45:18 PM | Stop judging him by how you feel, that's asking for manipulation by anyone. Judge him by what he does, and then contemplate how you feel by what he does in total. This is self government. It is like not hitting small children when you are frustrated. Even though this maybe how you feel, when you take a step back you realise, in fact you don't feel this way at all and it would be the worst thing to strike out at the defenceless just because you're feeling some primordeal whimsy.
What you're doing is confusing "love" with reactionary subjective behaviour. So take a step back and look at the total of this guy's actions, and assess like a grown up.
Love is where, at the end of the day, after all is said and done, everything he did, everything he said, you respect and admire. Feeling all warm and gushy inside is about lust and transient things, they can be caused as much by stimulation of erogenous zones as they can by fantasy or any number of stimuli. And they can also be caused by things like admiration, or conversely by the presence of danger or discord.
So separate your body from your mind a little, the trick is the body will catch up with and do eventually what the mind tells it. So tell it the right things. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 2:54:17 PM | Yes, he's sick. But you can't fix him. Neither can the doctor unless HE wants to follow his doctor's instructions and take his medications.
He's sick.
You're not.
But staying with him will make you miserable.
You're not responsible for him or his illness. You didn't make him sick.
Borderline personality disorder people love to manipulate relationships.
Get out while you can. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:15:46 PM | why do people have to be punished for something they cannot help. HE IS SICK!
Ok. So if he had a bad cold are you going to let him continually sneeze in your face?
He has been diagnosed by a Dr and given medication for which HE as an adult is responsible for taking every day. He chooses not to take it or allows himself to run out. He can get his meds anywhere. I once left my medicine at home while on vacation I went to the closest pharmacy and they called my pharmacy and presto I got 7 days worth.
Does his illness automatically grant him immunity from all responsibility? Does this mean his children, his Ex wife, you and everyone else around him get to enjoy his BS because he gets a free pass? Stop making excuses for this guy. He treats you like crap, vacations with his Ex wife and drove you out of town.
Cheating and lying to you over and over? He may be Bi-polar but his penis suffers from amnesia I suppose?
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:36:59 PM | If you need to give yourself permission to do something that is good and healthy for you, this has NOTHING to do with this or any other man!!
The problem is within you, you don't love, even like yourself enough to do the things to protect yourself from harm. This man is just something that brings your problem to light, it's not him it's YOU.
Best thing you could do for yourself, if you CARE about yourself enough is stay away from ALL men until you develop enough self esteem to make better decisions. You won't be able to work on your problem with someone else in your life. You need to focus on you, so it's your choice, either make yourself that important or quit whining about being self destructive.  | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:43:27 PM | Op
Sometimes we choose to love people for all types of reasons. He may be what I call a "project". But, believe me, nothing you can do or say will be able to change how he relates to you. He is the only person that can do it.
What is clear is that this relationship is causing you distress. Do you love him or just the image of him in your mind? Are you sad at the fact of losing him (all the good and the bad) or your dream of him and the dream of your future together? Some sobering questions.
If you let go of your need to be in this "relationship" and concentrate on what is in front of you, marvelous things can happen. Try to take care of what needs to be taken care of in your life today. If you really want to go back and live with this man, in a year you will know. (I wouldn't advise such a thing, given your post.) | |
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