| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/21/2009 3:26:44 PM | He has recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by a therapist, and was prescribed Zyprexa by an MD for what the doctor called was his mood disorder (but the meds make him extremely sleepy, so he currently is off the meds until he can get back into the doctor and try something new). anyway...We have been together off/on throughout the past year. Tons of extreme heartache and tears for me, a few for him as well- I'm sure there is so much more inside his head but it just doesn't come out in any form I can halfway understand.
How do I know when I just can't do it anymore-and what is it all worth?
I love him dearly and he says he loves me but when he is without his medicine ( I don't really know what he is like in the long run while taking meds because he was only on them for 2wks when he ran out of the sample the doctor gave him and like i said he still needs to make that next appt.) The past year has been mostly hell because of his cheating, lying, and just outright everything evil-- those who have lived through it all know what I am talking about and how it is not just the standard "not wanting to settle down" type of guy. Its just hard to give the details of it all because it is so exhausting.
Um.. yeah sorry I got distracted while having to think about all the old "bad things" he does and have completely lost my train of thought...
how... what... he has a disorder and he is SICK- why should that have to prevent him from ever having a shot at true, real love and a life to go with it? why can't i have that with him? why does this sickness have to prevent me from ever being happy? i want him!
I want him and the life we have always talked about having together. I love his kids and want to have them and him and his entire family in my life forever.
A horrible part is medically it hurts me to have sex- and with his disorder all he does is crave it more and more- sometimes it feels as if we are already just and old cranky and miserable married couple- other times it feels we should only be best friends- but even when we try the just friends we know it will never work because we both love each other too much for it to ever become less than husband and wife....at the same time this whole relationship has my mind so skewed from what LOVE really is anymore...
it's like yes, there are meds and the good times will come but for the life of me- although i keep saying he is this great guy when he has his good days--- i cant seem to remember what it is that is so "good" about him. yes we get along and laugh and smile at times, and yes we fit in eachothers arms perfectly, and when we hold eachother it just feels right, but...idk im just lost.
i have read message boards on support groups etc etc but in one it had sections laid out for people/couples sticking together, separating, or not sure yet. and in the staying together section there were couples that have made it 20+ years together but the whole time it has been a fight and a struggle to keep the relationship alive and strong.
how and what is it even all worth?! and yet i can't let it go, i can't let us fail. im the only one who as ever stayed through it with him...
and i feel horrible because i feel i love this man but at the same time his up and down cycles have me on an up and down rampage too- i dont know how to cope- i dont know how to deal- all i want is a happy life- marriage and kids- a loving and healthy relationship as soon as possible and with him... i just dont know...
help.
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/21/2009 3:35:52 PM | i feel horrible because i feel i love this man but at the same time his up and down cycles have me on an up and down rampage too- i dont know how to cope- i dont know how to deal- all i want is a happy life- marriage and kids- a loving and healthy relationship as soon as possible and with him... i just dont know...
have you told HIM that? | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:06:05 PM | I think you might want to get therapy for yourself and find out why you, at 22 years old, are embroiled in such a no-win situation.
Is he the man you want for the father of your children?
Are you going to subject your future children to extreme heartache and tears, mostly hell, cheating, lying, and just outright everything evil, etc.?
he has a disorder and he is SICK- why should that have to prevent him from ever having a shot at true, real love and a life to go with it? Why does it have to prevent you?
Seriously-- get some therapy for yourself. Immediately. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:53:45 PM | I agree with Landra2
You are on the road to a classic abuser/enabler relationship.
It will never change.
What I wonder about is why you have this need for this type of relationship.
Only therapy can help you to get to a point where you seek out and choose a happy, healthy relationship. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/21/2009 6:01:37 PM | BPD is untreatable. He might as well have terminal cancer. Except its worse, because it will destroy you too.
Get out as fast as you can, dont look back.
The only reason to stay with a BPDer is if you are a parent who has a child with the disorder.
I was married to someone with BPD. The horrors.
"What I wonder about is why you have this need for this type of relationship. "
The OP was probably sucker punched. When you are in a relationship with a BPD you both share a private, intense world of ups and downs. 3 AM screaming matches, stomping, acting out, and in some cases, self harm and violence. This brings you both together in a co dependency. Each time there is a blow up, the couple is drawn closer together in the resolution phase, when the BPDers devaluation episode subsides. This codependency is insidious. I call it being sucker punched.
FYI, the clinical explanation of BPD is someone whose emotional restraint machinery in the brain just failed to develop. Its like being born without legs, but its in the brain. Its a lifelong disability. BPDers can go on to live a somewhat meaningful life, as they get older the rage lessens and they find supportive community, choirs, clubs, groups of friends.
Get out while you can. It only gets worse. Much worse.
GL! | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/21/2009 6:15:40 PM | | I dated a borderline for 2 years, the 1st few months were great and it was mostly downhill from there. BPD is an illness that prevents the person from truly loving anyone, not even their parents, their spouse or their children. They are often self abusive and are a physical and mental threat to themselves and to those who love them the most. BPD is often passed from parent to child. My advice to you if you want the loving husband, children and family thing is to cut your losses and move on. I know it is easier said than done but for your own mental health you need to do it. I hear and fully understand your reasoning and thinking as to not wanting to leave someone because they are ill, I felt the same way. The one thing a borderline fears the most is abandonment yet the truth is they almost always end up abandoning the relationship themselves within 2 years. Often the people that are willing to stick with a person with BPD are usually suffering with their own co-dependency issues. I wish I could say be patient with them and love them unconditionally and they will get better but it is just not the case. About the time you think things are getting better their illness will cause them to destroy any progress that has been made and sabotage that progress. I can not imagine the personal hell a borderline lives in but have witnessed it and had a taste of it by loving someone with this illness. Now knowing and understanding what BPD is I will always feel strongly for anyone with this illness but will never let myself fall in love with someone that suffers it. Suffering with BPD makes for a long hard lonely life for the one who suffers with it and equally as hard for those that love them. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:21:18 AM | | He's BPD? Run fast, very fast. Get as far away from him as you can. An ex of mine was BPD and he made the relationship hell on earth to the point where I dumped him. They are abusive, manipulative, violent, individuals with addictions (can be sex, alcohol, or drugs). They use a person and then move on to their next victim. They cannot be trusted. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/22/2009 9:55:11 AM | fyi, to all
after reading all the replies from both this thread
and another I posted regarding this same thing
I have finally given him the boot
for the last time
and most of all
while i was sitting there thinking about it all last night
i realized that...
... i feel like a crazed lunatic and nothing like the person i was a little over a year ago...i dont know if that is a good or bad thing but it's just not me.
so i have given him the heave ho and am not backing down this time
i want my life back
i want to be happy again
i know it will be a scarey and lonely road
but in the end when i can look back and say
i finally made it, i am me, and i am happy again
it will be sooo worth it.
_laura_ | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/22/2009 10:18:59 AM | good for u for being strong. u ever have any second thoughts, come back here and i'm sure you'll get a few words equivalent to a smack in the face :)
best of luck from here on in. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/22/2009 10:45:17 AM | Alli oop-
lol
thank you
and yes I feel sorry for him
but I can't carry the worlds burdens
as much as I may try sometimes
it's just not healthy
and not to start a "i hate tattoos thread" but
i have also been considering getting one that says,
"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option"
or at least some variation of that
just to keep reminding myself
especially when times get tough. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/22/2009 1:13:17 PM |
i have also been considering getting one that says,
"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option"
or at least some variation of that How about no tattoos because of a horrible situation. If you must, try something more positive:
Love Yourself | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:34:59 AM | I agree with skipping the tattoo and saving the spot on your body for a reminder of a pleasant experience if you still feel you want a tattoo later. When you get your life back and become you again you will be wiser for having experienced the trials you have endured. Use that wisdom of experience to make wise healthy choices in your future. Remember it's not just your future but the future of those children you desire to one day have.  | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 9/24/2009 11:30:15 AM | ditto on the tattoo idea nix.
It'll be a reminder of the experience, forever. And a day WLL come when u get sick and tired of being reminded and just want to move on with the good in your life and GUARANTEED you'll regret it. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:15:04 PM | My father is borderline and if anyone cares about bringing healthy future children into this world, they need to let go of the borderline relationship. My father made all of us miserable,anxious,destroyed our self confidence. Borderlines have little tolorence for stress. So kids trigger that unless you want perfect kids who will keep quiet at all times,never spill milk by accident,never make noise,never have playdates. etc. I used to walk on eggshells all the time when friends or anyone came over. Never sure when my father would get in a rage.
I was also resentful of my mother who was addicted to him and no matter what he did she would not/could not leave him! | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 10/8/2009 11:31:40 PM |
How do I know when I just can't do it anymore-and what is it all worth?
When the pain of staying with him is more than the pain of leaving him. And that was probably yesterday.
You must look at your own emotional/mental sickness more than you look at his, considering that you LOVE someone who cheats on you. I say this without judgement because I was once in your shoes. Google "co-dependency" regarding mental illness and NOT alcoholism. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 10/9/2009 3:59:55 AM |
and yes I feel sorry for him
of course you do. it causes us pain to watch someone we care about deteriorate. i still feel sorry for the one i knew, and i've avoided the person for over 2 years.
but I can't carry the worlds burdens
bingo. and although the bpd individual tries to make us feel responsible for their own misery, it indicates healing to realize that we can only help those willing to accept help.
i have also been considering getting one that says,
"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option"
maybe make the phrase into a little sign and tack it next to your mirror. it will remind you of your own worth and, hopefully, make you smile. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 10/12/2009 9:26:06 PM | A good book to read about Borderline Personality is called " I hate you don't leave me."
It is very good and explains a lot of the borderline personality.
Not all Borderlines are the same some have it worse than others, and it has been proven that many borderlines suffer from childhood trauma that are diagnosed with it.
They explain it as Emotional type of disorder where a Borderline feels the emotions more extremely than the norm. They see things in the terms of black and white.
I have read here on the forums where some say they are uncapable of truly loving someone, that is false. I was diagnosed with Borderline due to severe childhood trauma yet I don't exibit many of the things people on these forums claim.
Read up on it get the book and another called walking on eggshells as many people here are not qualified to say anything about Borderline, let alone any other illness. They are not medical professionals.
And it is good to hear you got out. If they don't realize it and don't seek help there is nothing you can do for them. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 10/13/2009 2:20:19 PM | | I wish I could help, but I really can't give you any advice. I do think you might find some discussion on this in the Relationships forum, though. You might look for a support group, too. And make sure you really understand the difference between love and addiction. Don't forget about SELF-LOVE , too! | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:54:55 PM | From experience I speak,
Being in a relationship with a BPD, and loving them, all the while hating yourself.
That is really what its all about, otherwise, why would anyone desire to be with someone who constantly lies, manipulates, cheats, blows your hard earned money like it grows on trees, verbally abues you, plots against you, and has rages or outbursts over nothing. Leaves you holding the bag all the time.
I was married to a BPD, I was never able to get her into a doctor, and have it comfirmed, but from the behaviors that she had, well what does a label mean,
She Was and Is Sick!
I got me and our children away from her, and put the pieces back together, and got some happiness back into my life.
So the question is, do you enjoy having someone put an emotional gun to your head every day ?
Do You like having to walk on egg shells, in order to avoid conflict, or blow ups !
Would you enjoy having your ability to feel positive emotions stripped from you ?
The answer is quite clear, Walk away, and let the BPD deal with their own sickness,
and you have to deal with you, and heal from the effects of what you are suffering. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:38:49 PM | good grief ! what an epiphany! Thank you thank you!
Now I know what is wrong with about 90% of the people who live in this damn apartment building I live in.
I am not their neighbor. I feel more like their warden by default. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:36:14 PM | being a parent of someone who has BPD.... You have chosen a very long hard road for yourself
If you want to make a decision about being commited , wait till he is stable on his meds......and know that it is a really long road.
You both will need professional help..................now I cannot speak for you relationship, but I find that my son was very violent,and had a history of using drugs(hard drugs)....so think long and hard, talk with professionals, and DO NOT be his punching bag.
Always let him know what the boundaries are and never give into them......stay strong and safe
Good luck | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:42:16 PM | BPD comes in varied degrees. For me its a bit like Aspergers Syndrome where you have high functioning AS. Have had someone in my life with DID dissociative identity disorder. One thing I do know and something Temple Grandin who has autism has written and spoken about, is that people with a variety of these mental challenges are amongst those who are the most creative. One need only think of the Internet.
Takes a unique, think outside the box, adaptable person to have someone in their life with a mental challenge, because it really is about marching to ones own drummer.
~Beth~ | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:03:32 AM | | BPD is treatable but it takes alot of therapy and a very long time. People should not post about topics that they no nothing about. | |
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| Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:09:48 PM | BPD is treatable
Treat able doesn't necessarily mean curable. Supposedly a few have been cured but it is a tiny percent of the people who have it.
but it takes alot of therapy and a very long time
The main thing it takes is some one with BPD who really wants to help them selves and is willing to do all of that work themselves. Very few of them do. Most of them want a co dependent to take care of them and really make no effort to take responsibility for them selves. | |
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