| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/21/2009 8:44:16 PM | Hey, I've been feeling really down lately. I haven't been on these forums for a while but I was hoping someone could relate.
I got dumped a couple of weeks ago from a 2 year rocky relationship. One of the main issues was sex. I have PTSD and vaginismus, and my boyfriend was comparing me to his friends' girlfriends, who are younger than me, have never been through the kinds of abuse that I have and don't have the chronic pain issues that I do. I'm 24 but I already feel so old, especially since people keep telling me I can't make good friends or have good relationships because I'm more mature or have been through things that people can't understand. But the last guy I dated before this one was 14 years older than me and he acted the same way. I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be good enough.
My boyfriend is already about to get a new girlfriend. Throughout our relationship he complained about how we didn't have a similar background or a lot of common interests but I have never expected a clone of myself. I don't think someone has to be around me 24/7, or watch all the same shows or listen to all the same music or eat the same food as me. I like the differences in people because it's what makes us unique and exposes us to new things. But the more he talks about it, the worse I feel- especially when he was talking about family stuff. I don't really want to sound like I'm self-pitying so if you want more details just send me a message but the gist of it is, I think my chances of finding someone with a common background are very small because my mom died in a domestic violence situation, and I was raised by my grandparents, one of which is an alcoholic and who both never got to go to grief counseling and took a lot of their issues out on me. But I feel like I wouldn't WANT to meet somebody who had to grow up like I did. I don't think people deserve to have to go through that kind of life.
I was just wondering if anyone could relate to these kind of situations. How did you meet people who were like you? I've tried to go to support groups but the ones that weren't in churches broke up due to lack of attendance, and I can't go in a church without having a panic attack so bad I threw up because that's where what caused my PTSD happened. | |
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| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/21/2009 10:31:51 PM | I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. Sometimes it takes reading about someone else's stuff to realize "mine" isn't so bad. I can't imagine what living your life has been like. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes so I can figure out what I would do.
Self-care is the first thing that comes to mind. And dating is not going to be a good thing for you~~especially on here! This place is for those with loins of steel, of which I don't have and it has a bad habit of kicking my ass from time to time.
Have you been through any kind of therapy? That seems like the first place to start. You have some heavy stuff that needs attention in order to heal from it. I can't imagine trying to have a healthy relationship with a man at all right now if I were you. If anything, that would make matters worse. Now is the time to really take care of yourself. Be careful, loving and gentle with yourself...you need a little tenderness.
Keep looking for a support group until you find one you feel comfortable with. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. This seems like such a simple answer to such a sad and complex problem...I wish you well!  | |
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| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:37:28 PM | I just chose my fish personality today - and it's DAMSELFISH!!
Cause I know how to be selfish and it's DAM GOOD!!
That's what you gotta do and that's what you gotta be - SELFISH!!
Selfishness is good and F*ck is a good word. F*ck him, f*ck his bullsh*t, and f*ck all other bullshit. F*ck everybody else if they can't contribute anything positive or constructive to your life. Time to concentrate on you and get yourself together. Make yourself happy. Do what you want to do that will contribute to your overall wellbeing.
You smart. I briefed your profile and you graduated from college with a degree - in psychology no less! After reading this thread, I gotta say I'm proud of you girl!
I know exactly what you are going through. And it doesn't take a genius to know that if you have problems with sex and anything sexual and suffer PTSD - that it involves some kinda sexual trauma. You've latch onto this man to make you feel worthy and loved and he's doing the exact opposite. He might have some issues too and has latch onto you to boost his esteem because you need him.
Let him go and go into your own little world and become a recluse. All that you are looking for is not going to be found outside of you. You know this. Even if you found a caring, loving, and sensitive man you will always doubt his love for you because you don't have any for yourself. You will keep looking for your own faults and asking why does he love you when you have these issues and are flawed.
I'm sorry, but nobody can love or care for you in the state that you are in. If they are compassionate, they can try but you really won't let them. Apparently you are just too f*cked up. Yep, I been there too!
Now how the hell did I become the selfish, confident, hot momma that I currently am now? Because people got on my dam nerves. They let down, didn't offer what I needed, hurt me emotionally, didn't do what I wanted or expected, and then my momma died and I couldn't hate her anymore because dead people don't give a dam if you hate them or not. They don't help you get over your pain and hurt.
So I had to turn inward. I questioned how I felt about myself and tried to use adjectives that WASN'T OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS. That's hard - because I realize that what I thought of myself was based on what everybody else thought and I had no idea who I was or what I thought of myself. I had to find out. I wrote in journals because I had no friends to talk too, or I just had too much that needed an outlet. I read a lotta books - self-help being the books of choice. Two of the best books I read are
Rock my Soul - by Bell Hooks
Salvation - by Bell Hooks
I highly recommend these books for you. I am also currently reading
'How to Overcome Every Obstacle - NO MATTER WHAT! by Lisa Nichols.
Good book. Better than I expected.
I recommend this book - 'Heal Your Body' - the Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Metaphysical way to Overcome Them by Louise L. Hay. I use it as a reference whenever I or someone I know has a physical or emotional ailment.
A quick search revealed there's a website that does near the same thing
http://www.vitalaffirmations.com/health/healingaffirmations.htm
I don't know if you're into crystals and gem healing since you're a Christian and they look down on pagan or heathen alternative practices - but check it out.
http://www.inspiritcommon.com/articles/stone_descriptions.shtml
http://www.dragonspheres.com/metaphysical-healing-properties.htm
I will swear by hematite for affecting emotions and warding off negative energy from others. I wouldn't wear it during a period tho, it increases blood flow.
Incantations/Prayer is also a good thing - asking your god for self-guidance and help on you overcoming your physical or emotional adversity, accepting yourself, and changing what it is you wish to change about yourself (that which CAN be changed. You can't change the past). I sometimes couple this with a physical act - like candle lighting, incense, talking to oneself and using affirmations, and writing something on paper that you wish to 'let go' and burning it. Pagans call it 'witchcraft' but don't let that scare you. You can call it 'self help' and opening yourself up to be more introspective. It's in many spiritual and Christian oriented books too.
HTH. Wanna talk - holla here or send me a message. | |
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| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:44:30 AM | ^^^^WOW! Beautifully written, Nappy. You are a fabulous example of someone who has done the work! Kudos to you! It's NOT easy! The only way out is through and I highly admire you.
Love your profile, too. You fully accept yourself and that is a rare and beautiful thing. Keep living large. The world needs more of you! 
I hope this helps, you OP...this girl knows of what she speaks. | |
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| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:58:43 AM | Reason number 247 I love the forums. Every so often, someone such as nappy writes in such a moving, thought-provoking way, it actually contributes something worthwhile to my life.
Opie, I'm so sorry for your troubles, but if I've learned anything in 61 yrs., it's that all things pass. Sometimes much more slowly than we like, but eventually, we have a good day, then a few good days string together, and then a few weeks, etc.
If you can find one thing to hang onto. One thing to believe in. One thing to make you stiffen your backbone and keep trying, you will survive and succeed. | |
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| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/22/2009 1:17:27 PM | First thing is, believe in yourself. For folks with PTSD, it's good to talk with good friends who are understanding. But since not all good friends understand about PTSD, it never hurts to find a good counselor to talk with. PTSD has a unique quality -- it leaves peop[le in a state where the easiest option is to blame oneself. It's easiest because as soon as a person starts to honestly think, "Hey, wait a minute, I didn't deserve that!" then honest anger starts to well up inside. It's hard to handle a heavy dose of honest anger until you've gained enough self-respect to live with it & not dish it out to another person who doesn't deserve it. Nappy offered some really good, powerful words for starting to take a whole different look at yourself - great job, Nappy! Good luck to you - you deserve it.
P.S. It's not just folks in uniform who deserve to be awarded a purple heart.  | |
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| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/22/2009 1:52:39 PM | I guess I can't say much about your plight, as I can't relate to it very much.
Nappykat seemed to cover a lot of ground with her post. Maybe there's a few pearls of wisdom in there for you.
What I can say though, is that you are a very pretty young lady (although you look so glum in your main pic), and you are obviously very intelligent as evidenced by your initial post. You seem to have come out of your rocky start in life with some very solid positives that you will be able to build on, not the least of which are empathy and a strong sense of self awareness.
If I were a betting man, I would say the odds are really good that you will put yourself on the path to happiness and become one of those people who shine in life.
You will find someone who is going to appreciate and cherish you. Maybe not tomorrow, or next week, but you will. Take a bit of time for yourself first, and don't worry about how your bozo of an ex is getting along. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. You'll be miles ahead of him at the finish line. | |
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| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/22/2009 3:06:12 PM | I didn't think to mention it in my post, but I have been in therapy for a few years. MY PTSD and depression are just so severe because my grandparents didn't let me go to therapy or take medication when I was a kid, so it permanently changed my brain. But I think it drove me to choose my majors (psychology and criminal justice) so I could understand why people behave the way they do and what happened in their lives to shape them into who they are.
I actually didn't come on here for a few months, and I had to turn my IMs off because I felt bombarded but I was trying to find a place that was better than Facebook or Myspace, because of course the only people who send me messages are totally looking for sex and writing me crap like "YO BABY GURL WUZ UP WANNA F*** IN MY CRIB KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN?"
If they are compassionate, they can try but you really won't let them. Apparently you are just too f*cked up. Yep, I been there too!
I do feel like that a lot. My ex and some of his "friends" would say they got pissed off because they can't fix my problems. But I'm not asking them to. Like someone was b*tching at me saying I just laid down and died and didn't do anything about my fibromyalgia, but what can you do about something that has no cure? I got diagnosed with it 6 years ago so I don't get why accepting my limitations, knowing how much I can go out and stuff like that so I don't get worse is a bad thing.
Thanks for recommending the books. I'll check them out.
For folks with PTSD, it's good to talk with good friends who are understanding. But since not all good friends understand about PTSD, it never hurts to find a good counselor to talk with.
I think that's why I feel like my PTSD is the main problem, even more than the depression. I feel very alone, but there are a lot of people who are depressed for various reasons. I've had "friends" trigger me on purpose by making inappropriate jokes or writing things that upset me where they knew I would see it. I can't tell you how many times I've been told to get over it or that people can repress things if they try hard enough, often by other mentally ill people. My ex even kept complaining that he wanted me to get better. His mom said he just didn't understand much because he has Asperger's, which is probably true but it still hurts to lose a 2 year relationship that was the best one I've ever had. Everybody else has cheated on me, one person who came up to me when I was just minding my own business studying at the library pretended to be single on his Facebook and since HE came up to ME, and I had my iPod on and wasn't even really looking at anybody- plus I looked crappy in sweats and no makeup- and he triple cheated by taking me to a party and making out with another girl in front of me- I had no reason to suspect he had an actual long term girlfriend. After that crap even happening in real life I definitely feel like it would be very hard to trust people online. In fact before I got dumped, my profile on here said I was looking for friendship more than anything romantic.
Thank you, everyone who replied and gave me compliments. I really appreciate it. | |
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| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:25:35 AM | BP... PTSD is curable and you must not give up on the work you are doing with your therapist. If he or she uses EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) in your therapy, you should be feeling some "re-connection" with your feelings soon... EMDR unsticks a "stuck" brain and I can assure you that it works! It has been explained to me that in a moment of trauma, the brain literally "freezes" and thereafter, it stays frozen. EMDR serves to get things moving again and you do begin to process the feelings you couldn't feel or understand at the time of your trauma.
If you have majored in psychology, you know that you must get well yourself so that your future clients don't trigger your own "hot spots" and it would be a shame if you didn't go for it.
I think that trying to have a relationship with anyone, no matter who they are or how they behave, before you're feeling strong inside yourself, is only going to keep you stuck. It sure won't help to have someone who also has issues so that you identify better with his than with your own.
There is lots of time for you to find that special someone but first, you have to find yourself. I know that sounds trite but it is everything that will keep you going forward in the next years.
If your therapist isn't trained in EMDR, find one who is... It works! | |
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| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:24:30 AM | You are a beautiful, smart, articulate woman.
You've accomplished so much and where there's an epidemic of people your age with self entitlement issues, you clearly don't have them.
While I feel terrible for what you're going through, please keep in mind that we all have issues. Anyone who tries to tell you they don't is not being truthful.
Even without your "issues" it's tough being in your 20s.
You're not sure exactly where you want to go with your life, or how to get there.. .but I promise it will work itself out. Just don't let anyone even attempt to rob you of your self esteem.
Do you have a decent support group of friends?
Best of luck! | |
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| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:39:41 AM | A few people have recommended EMDR to me, and I did a search but I haven't been able to find anyone in this city who does it. I think the therapist I'm seeing now focuses on CBT, but I've only seen her 3 times. I had another counselor and went through months of hell trying to switch- she demanded a last appointment and all this other crap, she complained about me complaining to the quality assurance coordinator about her (which I thought you were supposed to do?) It was just ridiculous.
I think I have gotten past a lot of the stages of numbness, but I do have a lot of triggers. There actually isn't a lot you can do with psychology without going to grad school, but I know there are a lot of things that I can't do right now because I have issues with my own friends- I get too upset if they're in domestic violence or emotionally abusive situations.
I feel like I'm alienated from people because of their entitlement issues- and the funny thing is they say that *I* expect too much from people or I'm selfish and no, I just don't want toxic people that think they can walk all over me anymore.
I have a couple of friends, but they don't talk to me that often and I don't feel like they understand me even though they're older than me. I had a few good friends in college but of course none of them are from here so they all moved after they graduated. It seems like there's a shortage of decent people where I live. | |
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| feeling hopeless from PTSD and other problems
Posted: 9/26/2009 3:15:49 PM | Sorry to hear how hard things have been for you. I do think you should give yourself credit for having coped with all these traumas, even if you might need some support to overcome their effects.
Your ex may not have been mature enough to cope. He certainly didn't handle the situation with sensitivity by making comparisons. There's no reason why you shouldn't be the lively sensual person you were meant to be, but a sensitive, understanding partner would be a great help. I don't know if you've had any therapy but if not, you should surely qualify for some sort of help with your national health service or specialist voluntary groups. Please look and see what's available. Panic attacks can be treated. It seems to me individual therapy would be best where you'd get chance to talk to someone about these intimate issues. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might help too as you are obviously expecting the bad things to continue to happen at some subconscious level. A lot of your assumptions about people and their motives will be automatic and not consciously reviewed. It might help you to look at any ingrained beliefs and expectations. Hypnotherapy is another possibility. I wouldn't want to minise the effects of what you have suffered but neither should you assume that you are stuck with the symptoms now. They may well just go, suddenly and inexplicably, having outlived their usefulness. Believe that it is possible to wake up without them and you may find a whole new world awaiting you.
I do know what it's like to feel out of step with your peers through experience. It does make it harder to relate to others who have had more conventional lifestyles and who seem to have followed a normal path in life, but don't let them tell you you can't form relationships. How would they know anyway? Are they experts in the effects of trauma? Some of the difficulty comes from knowing that the things they take for granted passed you by or are no longer relevant to you. You know you have more depth and understanding than many people and that is a positive; it's just a matter of time before you find that special someone who appreciates that. I think your ex was just using excuses because he felt out of his depth. Maybe you never quite trusted him anyway if you felt he didn't understand.
I feel you have a great future ahead of you and you will meet people with the kind of sensitivity and depth that you have, just make sure you don't overlook them accidentally. Good luck.
Edit: If your boyfriend had Aspergers then he wouldn't understand. Believe me, I know this well. Empathy is not likely to be his strong point, if he has any. Also, I suspect your friends are frustrated because they realise you are so unhappy and nothing they say makes it any better. They are probably feeling helpless. Friends want you to be happy and positive or they feel they are failing to help you. Perhaps it's worth remembering that too. Your happiness matters to them. It's easy to assume they don't understand depression when in fact they feel helpless and hurt themselves. | |
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