| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 4:06:13 PM | I would suppose this is a two part question.
1.) How long should you wait before introducing a partner to your children ? I have been seeing someone for a month and half and he has a 14 year old son. I am talking about a casual 1st time meeting like dinner in public. I believe it's not only important to make sure you like the other person and there are intentions of them sticking around before meeting children, but I also feel it's important to know if you get along with their children. Children not liking the other person is a definite deal breaker in my eyes.
2.) Why would a man tell you he likes you and shows it when your with him, but doesn't do phone calls during the week ? And why, why , why....do men text ? It's so impersonal and it only takes 2 minutes to pick up the phone and dial for a quick " hello ".....Is there a hidden meaning to " Man Texting " ? | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 4:16:48 PM | As for the first question, I am probably overboard, I don't believe in bringing young children into a relationship that is not serious, about 6 months into serious. I know that may seem like a long time to others and yet if they relationship doesn't work out and well the children have bonded and now another person has left them. I don't believe the con's are worth it and the damage that can be done.
If they are teenagers, they then are old enough to understand that dating casually doesn't have to mean having sex. They are also old enough to understand and process with little or no damage it the relationship goes south. I have to also date me even more that I never ever had a man stay over at my home if my children were home. Not being a hypocrite just believed we, the parents teach better by example than by preaching.
As for the second question. Who knows I hear from alot of my guy friends that women do this also. I will tell you like I tell them. You have a choice whether to read the texts or answer them. If you dont' want the text respond with " I would love to chat, when you have time feel free to call. Then not answer anymore text. I personally don't.
Why would someone not be able to call during the week, IDK maybe S/O works weekends not sure. Again communicate with him and ask these things. | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 4:17:45 PM | 1. I'd say, firstly you see that both you and the guy are going to commit to each other. No, I don't mean marriage. But if you both agree that your relationship is going to have longevity, continuity and exclusivity. Second, you need to see if it is working out at all. You don't want your kid to get attached to the guy to later tell him/her that it didn't work out and the guy is gone for good.
2. As far as you are concerned, you don't need to know "why". Tell him that it would make you feel wonderful if he were to call you during the week to say hello. Tell him it feels much better than texting. | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 4:28:09 PM | Okay
1. Usually when I stop by to pick a woman up for a date she introduce me to her kids, unless they are elsewhere.
Generally it's informal...something like, hey guys this is a friend of mine and we're going out for coffee...etc.
It's easy...why have this taken a month for you ?
2. Is there any reason why you can't call him ? | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:01:02 PM | 1. I would say wait until it feels comfortable.... both parties know each other reasonably well, so that if an awkward moment happens in the introduction to the child it can be easily played off instead of becoming a major sticking point. A person meeting the other's children is a big deal. It's a new person in the child's life, and at that age, they're easily impressionable. Can't get in a hurry for this one.
2. Guys get busy, believe it or not. Sometimes he doesn't have time for a phone call. Sometimes what's supposed to be a two minute phone call turns into a fifteen minute one. Texting takes seconds, and then it's done. And he doesn't have to sit through a phone call when he's trying to do other things, whether at work or other. | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:05:58 PM |
1.) How long should you wait before introducing a partner to your children ? I have been seeing someone for a month and half and he has a 14 year old son.
Once you are in a relationship, it is not only ok to meet the kids but necessary. A teenager can certainly handle meeting dad's girlfriend.
2.) And why, why , why....do men text ?
I text first thing to say good morning. Would you like a call at 6 am? I may also text during the day so as not to bother you with a call at work and you can respond at your leisure. Might also text late at night. However, I do call and enjoy talking on the phone but texting does have its place. | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:07:20 PM |
Guys get busy, believe it or not. Sometimes he doesn't have time for a phone call. Sometimes what's supposed to be a two minute phone call turns into a fifteen minute one. Texting takes seconds, and then it's done. And he doesn't have to sit through a phone call when he's trying to do other things, whether at work or other.
Guys get busy... If they get so busy that there is no time in their busy schedule for a 15 minute phone call maybe they are too busy to have a relationship. OP was talking about *one* call during the week, as far as I undestand her. This is actually a good checkpoint for me - does he have time/desire/verbal aptitude to call me between dates? | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:13:03 PM | I have no additional insight into meeting the children. It's a delicate area I've not had to concern myself with yet.
As for the Man Texting, I have an idea or so to put forth. Guys are notorious GIZMO freaks. I know some guys who prefer texting to the phone, simply because it involves multiple levels of technology to do, while a phone seems old fashioned. One of my sons has epitomized this, insisting on Instant Messaging friends who LIVED NEXT DOOR, rather than calling, or yelling over the fence.
Another simple possibility, is that you can text someone while you are in a business meeting with less likelihood of your boss chastising you than if you talk out loud on a phone.
In short, there is probably no hidden meaning to texting in place of phoning. There is, however, plenty of room for women to think that there MIGHT be, so go ahead! | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:19:04 PM | 1. Let them meet after things have developed between the two of you, but do not let them get close, until, if and when, you get engaged or equivalent.
2. Do a background check on the dude to make sure he's not a convicted perv.
Remember, at this point, you barely know the man.
Proceed with extra caution when children are involved.
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:29:44 PM | | yo im busy doin shit i dont have time to talk on the phone.. so i text.. and phone conversations are too "to the point" and quick, if you text you can carry out a conversation all day cause you're not covering too much ground too fast, there is time in between and stuff. | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:41:35 PM | Hi,
Never been here and barely on Fish at all. Great Q-I have found that I'm not necessarily a representative guy, a bunch of my thinking is based on what I've heard from women friends. But here goes:
1: After my divorce, eons ago, when my children were very young, I really wanted to re-create a family unit and I would introduce women I was dating too prematurely, when a relationship was just really starting to gel-I clearly wasn't on my game then, but who knew. With perspective, I know that I shouldn't get the kids in a position to form a strong bond-when the relationship might fail. So, I would suggest that it might be nice to have supper together or do something light and then leave it to just you two for a while, then maybe sometime later do something simple and light again. I thinking of forming heavier bonds is a big challenge if the parent then has to clean up the mess. My kids paid a price for my actions.
2; I haven't a clue. Me, I like things up close and personal, the phone is "OK" but text/email is empty. Since many guys, yes even some of my closer friends, are emotional midgets-texting is certainly less intimate, isn't it.
Cheers, Will | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:46:58 PM | texting is like a :neverending chat: .... which is heck alot more convenient than anything else... For a phone call, I need to find a quiet spot and actually stop whatever I am doing at that moment... Sorry but...We're too busy to do that...chit chat...bah!
and for the children... well, can't answer that as I don't date "single mothers"... | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:58:39 PM |
For a phone call, I need to find a quiet spot and actually stop whatever I am doing at that moment... Sorry but...We're too busy to do that...chit chat...bah!
See? That's what I'm sayin. | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:02:41 PM | | My daughter is a part of my life. I introduced her to my new girlfriend BEFORE she was my girlfriend. Kids can handle it. | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:14:53 PM | OP,
When to meet the kids? Depends on the kids.... If they are fresh into a divorce and have strained relationships with the parents then they aren't going to be the least receptive to complicating things. If it's been several years and they haven't met anyone than the kids are learning nothing about adult interactions from you. What about one parent has a revolving door of men or women coming into their lives and the message is....
My girls are now 16, 15 and 10. In 8 years they have met 3 women that were with me.
The kids were pretty young and the first was introduced as the "baby sitter". I took one at a time (my kids) each on a "date" so we could have one on one time. In turn my g/f of 6 months had a chance to see the other two interact together. This was over three different weekends.
Now that the kids are older I let them know at what stage my current relationship is (presently seeking candidate) and if I think there is a good chance she'll be around for a while they'll meet.
I really don't think there is a set rule but more of communication with the kids at a level they can understand. I also don't like revolving doors.
EDIT: I didn't respond to question 2 because I think little of the question. It's a person specific situation and no stereotypical answer could apply.
Just another opinion.
J Mac | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:34:49 PM |
As for the first question, I am probably overboard, I don't believe in bringing young children into a relationship that is not serious, about 6 months into serious. I know that may seem like a long time to others and yet if they relationship doesn't work out and well the children have bonded and now another person has left them. I don't believe the con's are worth it and the damage that can be done.
Agreed. Too many people don't take into consideration their children's true level of maturity & ability to cope with loss. After witnessing his parent's breakup, the last thing that a 14 year old needs is to become emotionally attached to another person and have her suddenly gone from his life too. That's MY take on it.
As for the 2nd question, it seems to be a point of contention for you and certainly something that should be discussed with HIM.
I have to say. 1 1/2 months is NOTHING on the relationship scale. I have waited nearly twice that long before finally being intimate with a woman! You are still in the "unreal" stage of the game. It takes MUCH longer than that to truly get to know someone. I'd suggest that as "right" as everything feels now, you should slow things down. Keep interacting & discovering each other without involving children. What's the big rush? If he IS "the one", waiting a few months to make the introduction should be no problem. However, if you involve the son now and in another month his (or yours) TRUE self suddenly emerges, then it would be most unfortunate for the son.
Slow down, cool your jets, and error on the side of good judgment for the sake of his son, as opposed to rushing into something that in reality, you just CAN'T be sure of at this point. Good luck! | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:45:18 PM |
last thing that a 14 year old needs is to become emotionally attached to another person
Laughing... do you folks even have teenagers.... | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:51:06 PM | Click on my posts about meeting kids and you'll learn
Issue 2 trumps issue 1
If you dont like how you are interacting with him absent the children, dont involve the children. you come third with a man with kids.. always will.. remember that | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:55:50 PM |
I text first thing to say good morning. Would you like a call at 6 am? I may also text during the day so as not to bother you with a call at work and you can respond at your leisure. Might also text late at night. However, I do call and enjoy talking on the phone but texting does have its place.
Texts are the equivalent of little love notes that might be left for you. A little "good morning" or "I'm thinking about you" is enough to bring a smile to my face. There's a careful balance that must be maintained and depends on the type of message to be conveyed. Some things require a phone call, other things can only be said face-to-face.
A former girlfriend and I would IM each other while we were at work. Obviously we are busy, and a phone call would not always be possible. | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 7:03:15 PM | With the children thing each child and family is different, so I'd say it would depend on the feelings of the child. I myself don't believe in having the kids meet for at least a good four-six months and that would be for a picnic or something cordial. Watch how both sides interact with each time, talk to your kid(s) for their view points (always let them know that it is ok if they aren't so sure of someone, never make them feel guilty for how they feel), so you know what to do next.
As far as the text question.
Hmmm. Text messaging is a very dual thing it can be very intimate, the afternoon "I think your sexy I can't wait til dinner you'll be my desert" to keep a relationship alive and fresh. Or it can be very impersonal, mainly those annoying Chain Texts, or the casual hellos how are every two weeks, and other forms of "casual intimatcy" nothing special about those. What I'm wondering is how often do you two see each other, is there shone intimacy or is it hidden when you are in person? When he texts does he ask how your doing and respond to you when you respond? How often does he text? Is the Text conversations intimate or impersonal?
Does he tend to send those annoying Chain Texts, Angel Texts, or other generic texts, Most often.
Or does he text something more like "HEY how are you, I've been thinking about and would like to get together you, you free friday night?"
I f you feel like there is some true intimacy, now I'd say talk to him ask him why he doesn't call, if says he will call and doesn't that is a sign. Or tries to make a big deal out of it, tries to make you feel like you have the issue, and depending on the context that could be true.
If his texts messages seem to generic to you and not intimate to you and you want more out of a relationship, and he is aware of it, then you should decide one of two things 1.)Are you going to stick around someone who isn't interested or 2.) Are you going to make time for someone who is interested. | |
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| Meeting children
Posted: 9/22/2009 7:11:07 PM |
Laughing... do you folks even have teenagers....
Actually, my "kids" are 22 & 24 now. We divorced when they were 3 & 5 so, I have had plenty of experience with dating throughout their lives. I made some mistakes early on and learned valuable lessons from them. I feel that the way that I've handled & limited their interaction with the 3 women I've been seriously involved with (since '91), was the right thing to do. I preferred to keep them at a distance until I was more than pretty sure that the relationship wasn't just a passing thing.
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