| | Dating advice for a single mom..Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | | Here is my problem. I am so busy.. I put my kids first. My weekends are spent with my kids even when they are at their dads. I won't miss a football game, baseball game or anything. I will be there at everything. Now is the dilemma. I would love to start dating. But I can't find a man that would be willing to not come first. I wish I had more time. But I don't . My twins are young and I am the mom who gets them in their sports. I cheer them on at all the games. When I have the boys, I am willing to hire a sitter to go out. How do you other moms balance all of this? | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:50:10 PM | Sounds to me like it is a perspective issue. I can totally understand you going to games, etc. on the weekends but that is like 3-4 hours out of a day unless they have a double header. You should have time to date when they are at their dads and as they are young, you should also be able to go out after they are asleep.
When I was a kid, my grandmother lived with us but occasionally my mother would have one of the girls down the street come and sit, either because my grandmother was also doing something or going somewhere with my parents. We thought it a great treat and loved it. Never occurred to us that mom and dad shouldn't have a life because they should be spending time with us.
If you don't feel like you have the time to date, perhaps you aren't really ready to date even though a part of you wants to get a life and be a grown-up woman in addition to a mom (and I am not being sarcastic there). It is easy to get so involved with the mom thing particularly with twins that you sort of forget that you need friends and fun too whether they are in the form of a date or just other peeps your age.
One thing to remember is that dating and having a social life is important, both from the standpoint of showing your children a degree of normalcy and giving you time away from them to have fun and recharge your batteries. I have three kids (2 are boys) but I can't imagine dealing with twin boys, lol. You do really need to make time for yourself. One of the ways I did that a few years back was just getting out and I found that going to a movie alone, for example, wasn't a horrible experience so get a sitter every once in a while and do something like that if your friends are busy. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:51:57 PM | You have a quandry for sure. Check my history under my name for all of my posts about dating while divorced when you put your kids first.
It's hard, but not impossible.
You WILL need to meet the RIGHT man. The CHALLENGE of your kids will weed out the selfish ones in a hurry. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:53:24 PM | | Honestly, I don't know... The last "date" I went on was just me and my ex hubby. We got a sitter for the kids and went out and had a nice dinner. It wasn't really a date, just 2 friends going out. Sometimes you have to cut it out completely... I'd look over your schedule and see where any holes are and say "That's ME time!" Its all about time management... | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:48:25 PM | | You date casually until you are either mentally ready to include a partner in your children's lives or wait till they grow up and leave the home. You do not say how old your kids are but few youngsters play football on a Saturday night at 7pm. So dating is possible. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/22/2009 7:13:16 PM |
But I can't find a man that would be willing to not come first.
Sure you can. You just have to be willing to not come first neither. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/22/2009 11:17:54 PM | Now.. truth be told , you WONT find a man who will put up with your anger expressed in your other post about how ANGRY you are about your ex being with another woman..
You wont find a man willing to pursue you when you are angry. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/23/2009 1:12:08 AM | I hear you, I myself have a busy schedule with not much time to myself but i chose that. since I'm not ready to date, I dont' mind not having 'me time' once in a while it would be nice, but with the economy these days, I have to put that on hold anyhow.
My suggestion, just don't have expectations on dating, just go out and meet new friends, start with joining a group of single parents, and interact. it's a good way to get support and network. perhaps if you find one or two people to connect to through that, you can trade sitting, while the other goes out. You should find yourself time before doing that for a date. otherwise you're just using y our date as a crutch to have alone time.
Find out what you want, and what you are willing to compromise before even looking to date. I personally feel a relationship work best if it's balance and both contribute to taking the time to be with the other. While you may expect your potential date to not be placed first, you should expect where would you place him on line, if he's in the bottom of the ladder, is it worth dating?
No problem in casual dating, but once you really want to make more time, you should then change your perpective of what makes you happy, and how you can arrange things so everone is happy as well. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/23/2009 6:49:09 AM | Wanderbaby's all over it. Don't make dating or a relationship a goal, but rather socializing & if something develops there, great!
A single dad is absolutely cognizant that he doesn't come first, it's a given in the same manner you'd have to understand that you can't be first either.
I don't think there's any issue with 'ranking' when you're talking about two single parents. There should not be any discussion whatsoever explaining to the other that you can't do...whatever...if there's a kid thing going on.  | |
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Tece09
| | Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 10 | |
| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/23/2009 10:53:27 AM | | I am in the same situation but you know what when the right man comes and I mean the right one this will not be an issue. He will not need to be first and understand your love for your children and respect that I am also big in the sports with my kid so I know where your coming from then you dont want to take it to fast and have them around the children. Someone will come with the same love and taking it slow is always good so you can really get to know them if you need I would even watch your children if you have a date I know how hard it can be. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/23/2009 11:35:02 AM | "I put my kids first."
This has become the biggest cliché in the single parents forum. Not only is it a cliche it is a subjective one at that. What some people call putting the children first I call being a helicopter parent, which to me is not putting the kids first at all. Kids at some point need to learn independents and how to get things done with out mom or dad, this is putting the kids first. Balance is key; kids, work, home and personal life are all important. Putting to much effort into one at the expense of the other can also have a negative impact on the kids. Seen more the a few people let go from jobs because they could not find the right balance between the job and the kids and not finding that right balance is also not putting the kids first. Being with out a job and with out health coverage is not putting the kids first.
Don't get me wrong, going to some of the games is part of the balance. If for some reason you have a hang up and don't wish to have a date also go to a game with you, well don't go to every game. I take turns driving my kids and neighbor kids to sporting evens, works well for me. Some times I take a date to the games too. That way I am at about half the games and when I am not, there is still some one snapping the photos for me.
Now to you question: Dating advice for a single mom.. This is simple find balance, it will make you happier and you being happier should also make your kids happier (see you will be putting them first lol). Dating for every one advice not just single parents; stay fit, stay out of debt (be able to pay your own way) and keep the drama to a minimum. Also guys like sex, find some time for sex even if it is just a nooner once a week or so. If you can do that dating should not be a big problem. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/23/2009 1:37:35 PM | | fwb, intimacy partner, buddy... whatever you call it. thankfully, there are always close male friends who will generally help you out once or twice a week... sometimes this turns into a LTR and other times, just FWB. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/23/2009 4:16:40 PM | HPotters
wow, really?!
Not all single parents are single due to a divorce. I am a widow and my kids absolutely come first, yes guilt is part of it.... they no longer have a Dad, of course I will do everything I can to make their lives better. Do I hover over them 24/7? No Balance is hard to achieve, but possible. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/23/2009 4:22:14 PM | So do you feel good now Harry Potter?, lol.
what a name, Its about as real as your profile. If your so rich why are you here bashing single parents. Oh yea, No life, lol. Why aren't you out meeting women? Oh yea, ugly as hell. Thats why you have no picture.
Oh another thing thats what steriods do to you. Make you so mean nobody wants to be around you.
Just so you know I didn't mean any of this there is to much love in my heart to hate. This was just to prove a point. Labeling and stereotyping just hurt people. You can keep assuming that everyone is the same, their not. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/23/2009 5:57:19 PM | I have never dated a single mom and never had a desire too. When you just want to have a relaxed ride you do not want to0 many obstracles. They same way as dating a workoholic whose job comes first.
When it was time to build serious relationship I wanted more quality time with her, weekends out of tawn, time with my my circle of people. Things progress naturally and you sound like kids are preventing your partner and you from a natural progression....
No Brainer OP. Your prior post indicates that you are soo jealous that a new lady of your ex enjoys actovities with your kids and it make you angry. I see that know you are all about being a soccer mom. It is not wrong but comes from the WRONG motivation and anger and unresolved issues.
Do you expect a good guy to eat all this? | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/23/2009 9:16:59 PM | | My 15 year old daughter still requires a lot of care. I often run into the same problem. Although it's difficult, you are doing the right thing. Your kids were there before any of the guys you meet were & they are your first commitment. If you don't find a guy who can deal with it then you're wasting your time & don't want him anyway! | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/24/2009 4:30:27 AM |
HAHAHa. I know you sacrifice your happiness for your kids. I hope they dont turn out to be a s sholes since it will all be in vain.
It will not be in vain. I got to all my kids activities because their father chooses to hang with his new wife rather then spend time with them. It isn't in vain because I play catch with my boys, I make sure they get their homework done, I teach them to be respectful of other people.
I am not miserable. I enjoy my kids activities very much. There is no guilt for me as to why I go. My parents were never divorced and they coached us and were at everything. I call that being a good parent. My children are not spoiled.
All I was basically asking in this post was some time management skills.. It sounds like titosmith has some issues of his own. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:15:39 AM |
It isn't in vain because I play catch with my boys, I make sure they get their homework done, I teach them to be respectful of other people.
Ignore all that crap, OP, as obviously no one taught certain posters the same values and mores that you're trying to instill. This is a free site and there's no end to non-parents coming in the single parent forum to bash those that are here legitimately.
E*v*e*r*y*b*o*d*y*'*s situation is different. There are no universal experiences when it comes to divorce and the single parent...thing. No one 'plans to fail', but there are those who always label it as 'failed to plan' irrespective of the sitch. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:31:01 AM | I actually love when the posts show the many different parenting styles that are out there.
My situation is not quite normal but here's my take: When my son bar mitzvah'd, i told him that he was now a man and while I am still here for him, he needs to figure out what being a man means. I am a woman and cannot teach him this. Thankfully, he has incredible dads in his life who he trusts so they are only a phone call away when he has 'man things' to discuss. We still discuss ethics and morality as our heritage dictates but now he is an equal partner and feels he has the right to disagree as a man.
He starts community college next year after just turning 15. When he was little, the drive was mine but now, it is his. I taught him these skills but it has been his choice to use them. So I suspect I will be picking him at his college classes and stepping in with professors when he needs help but his success or failures will be on him.
Saying that... I have seen overly possessive mothers who have stifled their boys growth. They always step in when they feel their son has been maligned. They fight too hard for their children and dont teach the children that failure is part of success. IMHO: Now is the time for kids to fail pathetically. Let them learn that the world is hard and that there are no excuses. Let them fight for what they believe, and not what we, as parents believe. Let them get a few F's for not turning in work so that they learn that there are consequences. If they don't learn this now - they will learn it by being fired or losing a wife/gf or a child, etc. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/25/2009 8:12:36 AM | | well in any relationship you have to make time for your partner. if you still were with the children's father, you better make time for the relationship or....you'll be a single mom asking that question. it's a balance and you're all children all the time right now. that's what drives men crazy about dating a single mother sometimes. we don't mind sharing but all the time kids, kids, kids....even in a normal family relationship it's not like that. balance is the key so make yourself available even if it means missing a game if you get serious with a guy. because remember that if you with the children's father and needed time to make it work you'd drop junior off at grandma and grandpa's house and they would take him to a game while you two strengthened your relationship. have to make time for it. kids don't run the world or are the center of the universe or we create narcissistic children that will get divorced as well. not good. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/25/2009 11:17:36 AM | | Well, I decided to make some time for me and I left my daughter to babysit and spent a couple hours visiting with a friend..it was fun! It is nice to have me time. I just don't know how single parents fit in other relationships..I have 3 kids...I just don't know. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/25/2009 12:06:56 PM | | Do you have to go to every event. Its okay to miss one once in while. You need to have a day to yourself and enjoy yourself. That is important. Expecially when your kids are with there dad. Take a break and have fun once in while. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/25/2009 12:15:10 PM |
Do you have to go to every event. Its okay to miss one once in while. You need to have a day to yourself and enjoy yourself. That is important. Expecially when your kids are with there dad. Take a break and have fun once in while.
Actually, I feel I do need to go to most of them. Their dad doesn't go very often and when they are with him on the weekends. His GF takes them. I won't let them be there without a parent. I just think it is right. Thanks for the advice.. It isn't like I never go have fun. I always try to do something the weekends I don't have the kids. My problem is my ex won't take them on a regular schedule. So how the heck can you plan anything? He told me he won't make it easy for me. "It" meaning dating, I won't use the word he said.
And I have missed games due to graduations and things.. | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/25/2009 12:19:18 PM | """He told me he won't make it easy for me. "It" meaning dating, I won't use the word he said. """
Well, that a whole another issue. Don't you have a custody schedule? You don't tell him your going on a date. Its none of his business. Don't give him a reason to give you a hard time. He is still trying to control you. Just my thoughts.... | |
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| Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/25/2009 12:29:01 PM | | Babysitter.. Even when it is your weekend with the kids, grab a sitter you trust, and go out. Your ex won't be an issue. Make it at night so the kids are in bed. If the kids are old enough to be up till late, then they are old enough to have a sitter. Make it fun for them too. | |
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