| What do you do when your EX-GF callls after 14 months?
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:07:01 AM | I received the strangest call this week.
It seems my ex gf had a change of heart .
She called with the pretense of discussing her recent break up..She felt i was always someone she could talk to and discuss anything and everything with.
We had what i thought was a great relationship. She was my best friend,lover and confidant.
That ended when she started telling me she fell out of love,and wanted to see another man who she was attracted too.It was her belief this man was "Mr. Right"...
We discussed it and did the adult thing. We both felt if she wanted to pursue this man than i would simply "Fade to Black" and give her space.
Believe me, it wasn`t easy to just let go! It took months of deep soul searching to finally get her out of my mind. During that time she immediately started dating this man.
Occasionally, we would bump into each other it was always very casual, nothing more.I was happy for her.
I thought i got over my feelings for her.Now am questioning those feelings. This is the hard part...
She asked me out for dinner . She wants to be friends.. She already knows my feelings towards "friendships". I have more "friends" than i could possibly ever want.. I explained this to her and she continues to insist we go out and just hang out.She knows am a sucker for dinner and dancing which is exactly what she wants to do...
Looking for opinions here. | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be friends again!
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:17:42 AM | Good Lord man, there's enough dis-functionality there for my mom to knit a sweater! You have to ask yourself, how healthy mentally and emotionally is this girl? Does she understand the concept of 'friend'?
It doesn't seem your ex understands what a friend is, what her own boundaries are, or any sense of priority about her relationships.
The worse part is when you turn the mirror on yourself...wanting to be part of this... what does it say about you? What about your boundaries?
Nobody one can really tell you what you should do...but it seems like this woman for some reason cannot be alone and is willing to do whatever to make sure, if its not you, it will be someone else , Do you want to go through this roller coaster ride?
I think ex's can be friends but that involves both parties moving on with their lives. If one's a hanger...there's nothing but trouble for anyone else that is foolish enough to wander into that bee's nest.
You have to ask yourself the hard questions...Do you want to deal with this on a constant basis? she flip flopping, as soon as she's comfortable and she sees someone else she's attracted to , well I wont remind you what she has done in the past? | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be friends again!
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:25:29 AM | Sounds like she wants to be sure she has you on the back burner, or she's trying to resolve some guilty feelings for the way she's treated you.
Generally, I think being friends with an ex is a bad idea. If both of you are so completely over each other that you can set up a new relationship dynamic, it might be okay, although I'd still wonder what the point is. Sounds like you definitely aren't at that point though, and if you aren't, it doesn't really matter how she feels.
Just say "no," and discontinue contact. Sounds harsh, but it's a lot less painful in the long run. At this point, you're not obligated to be nice to her. | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:27:39 AM | I think you are opening yourself up to another heartbreak, if you see her. If she wasn't sure of you before, she probably will have second thoughts if given another chance. How will you feel then? And if you got over her, knowing how difficult that was, why risk having to do so again? Of course, maybe she does mean "friend" and nothing more - if that's the case, would it be worth it?
Anyway, that's the sensible perspective, but just because it's sensible doesn't mean you can or should follow it. I only have to look to my own experience to find a good example where not being "sensible" worked out beautifully.
However, in my case, we were only together for about a month before splitting up. The split was mainly because she was too unsure of herself, being newly back into dating - not because she wasn't sure about me and not because of someone else. It was very difficult letting her go because she truly seemed to be (and was and is) my ideal match, but it was the right thing to do at the time. It took her 4 or 5 months to get oriented, and over a couple month period we got back together. That was 9 years ago, and I've never regretted taking the risk of being hurt again. We're still very happily together.
Life is about risks. Sometimes you even get to choose which risks are worth taking. Good luck figuring out you choice. | |
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| What do you do when your EX-GF callls after 14 months?
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:39:00 AM | If you want to give it another shot, go for it - but this time keep your eyes and ears open. Listen to what she's saying and don't let her use you as an ego trip to springboard her into another Mr Right, ok?
But you never know, she also might have realised that you're Mr Right. | |
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| What do you do when your EX-GF callls after 14 months?
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:39:51 AM | it's really not that strange, if you think about it OP. The mind is programmed to go where it once felt safe and warm and OK.
Now, the only thing that is causing you to think this is strange, is that Im guessing you don't have, or aren't' involved in a new relationship yet. If you were, You could easily see that this would not be a good idea, to dine and dance with your ex.
But, if you are available, and she knows that, it will only be a matter of time and you'll be dancin' again alright......between the sheets.
You gotta think of what will work for you.....If it feels like the one and only chance to get back with your favorite love, then you're gonna do it anyway. If she's going to use you as a pitstop until the next mr. Right comes along again, ....well, then you're just really a masochist and setting yourself up for a heap of hurtin' again.
Kimbo  | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be friends again!
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:40:36 AM | M-Rush,
Wouldn`t call it dysfunctional per se. Things always get crazy when you both have careers and family issues to deal with.1
We had a lot of great times together,the chemistry was definitely there for the both of us.Which is why am afraid of what might happen.
I agree with your assumption about the "Flip Flopping", which is why i`m being careful.... | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:46:13 AM |
She knows am a sucker for dinner and dancing which is exactly what she wants to do...
Would the dancing include the Posturepedic Polka? OP - you know where this is going to lead and if you're fine with her breaking your heart after you do the Friends with Benefits thing then go right ahead. I've been there/done that and am a true believer that our exes are exes for a reason ( more like dozens of reasons).
She's coming back because you are a sure thing. She is lonely and doesn't know how to be alone. She went from you to "Mr Right" back to you. How much time passed between her dating you and the guy she dated before you first met?
Tell her your dance card is full. Best of luck. | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be friends again!
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:46:42 AM | SCD, it is dysfunctional, you just said, the chemistry was definitely there? most people with more than a modicum of intelligence are in a relationship because the chemistry is there wouldn't throw it away for something or someone else.
She left you for another man , because she was attracted to him and fell out of love, that doesn't sound like chemistry to me, she's dysfunctional and you cannot see it, your emotions are acting with out the benefit of intellect on this one.
And now she wants to be " friends" even though you said you've made it clear regarding your feelings about friendships?
what else would you call it?if not dysfunctional she's selfish and only cares about HER, not you. | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be friends again!
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:47:36 AM | | She's rebounding back. You gave yourself time to get past it, which is a good thing, she didn't. More than likely she'll use you as an emotional prop until the next dude that catches her eye comes along. At least take some time to mull it all over. | |
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| What do you do when your EX-GF callls after 14 months?
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:51:53 AM | FriendlyFree,
She won`t discuss what transpired with Mr. Right... We`ve been texting a few times a day, talking about different things. It`s as if she feels comfortable again like the old days and the 14 months never really happened.
She was a great friend and was always there for me. I guess i`m a shoulder to cry on until she recovers from the split .
I am concerned about her well being as a person..dating again is another issue... | |
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PiggyT
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Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 16 | |
| What do you do when your EX-GF callls after 14 months?
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:52:18 AM | Just take a good hard look at the timing and how you have been used.
Of course she called you. Look at how you were when she dumped you the first time. A real gentleman (somehow though I wonder if we are getting all the story here) who basically gave her permission to stomp on your heart and go be with someone else.
Now she is coming back to do some more stomping... Creatures of habit that we are!
You already have all the answers you need. You are looking for someone here to give you validation on making a stupid choice, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this way. You quite simply would have said... what an idiot she thinks I am, but I showed her!
Sorry man, but this reeks. People amaze me (myself included... I have done stupid chit like this in the past) at what they are willing to do to each other.
Let us know how the next break up goes eh.... | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be friends again!
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:53:06 AM | She's wanting to "play" with you, so to speak. You're a safe comfort because she already knows you. She'll heat things up and then another "mr right' will come along. She's still in high school, right? That what it sounds like.
I think you should go out with her, let her shake her pom-pom's at you and then when she starts to manipulate (i.e. tries to get cozy), take her hand, look her deep in the eyes and tell her. "Gee, y'know? You're nice an' all, but I just don't think you're Mrs. Right"
and walk out.
Goose and Gander is what I call it. | |
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| What do you do when your EX-GF callls after 14 months?
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:00:25 AM | OP: She left you for another man. The relationship could not have been that "great". When one is in a relationship that is genuine and filled with love no one should be exiting.
If this were me, I would have a challenging time trusting this person for fear of this person "flipping the script" on me again.......... | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be friends again!
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:05:52 AM | M-Rush,
Thank you!
She left for a reason.Her choice..
She`s not into discussing what happened although i can add 2+2...
She knows i represent stability and always told me she liked that about her man.
She`s going right back to her comfort zone with me.... She realizes i have a weakness towards her. Naturally, she`s everything i want in a woman.. Athletic,Tall, Charming,Witty, Intelligent and could go from working out with me for two hours into getting all dressed up and go out to a dinner party within an hour and not miss a beat! Which is exactly why i`m not into playing her game anymore... | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be friends again!
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:13:37 AM | Scottdehart,
She`s a professional woman.She`s seeking a friend who knows all about her darkside i guess...I`m positive you`re right about her wanting to shake her pom-pom`s. She has that way about her.. One minute she`s all women, the next she could be --- ...
She knows my weakness thats for sure...
Thank You for your opinion... | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be friends again!
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:13:50 AM | scd,
Re: " she`s everything i want in a woman.. Athletic,Tall, Charming,Witty, Intelligent and could go from working out with me for two hours into getting all dressed up and go out to a dinner party within an hour and not miss a beat!"
Athletic,Tall, Charming,Witty, Intelligent is great. But you also want something called Character. | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be friends again!
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:17:20 AM | Draw a line in the sand, and tell her, if she crosses over, it is not as friends, it is as lovers only.
If you go out with her under the guise of friends, what will that gain for you? You will be the shoulder to cry on all over again. If that is what you want, then go for it.
People have to clearly state what they want, then follow thru with action.
You say you dont want a friendship only with her, then do not do friendship things with her. Only allow her to plan romantic things with you, and if she cant, stop seeing her.
You have the right to ask for what you want, and if you cannot get it, you have the right to move on to someone who can give you what you want, but you have to follow thru with action- and not accept anything less than what you want.
If you feel you want to be her sounding board, then insist she only email you with her tales of woe. You do not need to go to dinner and dance with a friend, you can console friends many ways that do not take time away from you persuing you goals of romance with women who are truly interested in you romantically. | |
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| EX-GF callls after 14 months.She wants to now be friends again!
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:22:26 AM | Ahhhhhh now the plot thickens, all we need is the add the peas and carrots.
Its now the matter of stability, tsk tsk tsk not good grasshopper
and the fact as a friend she wont share what happened with the last guy " she fell in love with" and comes running the " stable" guy as friends, ready to go dancing and have dinner with her " friend" who is a ex.
I bet if you said that you're going out with a old girlfriend who is now a friend for dinner and dancing, she would throw a hissy fit.
I think deep down in your heart you know this woman is just playing you, it's up to you to let your emotions act with the benefit of intellect, although it's not that easy . | |
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| What do you do when your EX-GF callls after 14 months?
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:24:27 AM | piggyt,
I knew deep down the real story,which is exactly why when i heard about "right" i knew from the onset, i had to let her go... My attitude at the time was to "give her space." I didn`t want to stick around only to experience something am positive might have been happening already.
When i heard the words "fallen out of love"... I did what any person would do...
I guess my feelings are still there. | |
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