| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:49:07 AM | So I'm seeing a woman for over six months. Seems like one of the best relationships I've ever had. She is bright, beautiful, sexy, affectionate, fun, funny, charming, and best of all we seem to hit it off 1000% on the compatibility scale. Similar interests, philosophies on life, politically compatible. You name it. We had a running joke that we shared a brain between the two of us.
Lately (like the last 3 weeks) she seems to cool off to the whole relationship but consistently says nothing's wrong. Monday I get an email that says "we need to talk". She tells me (in the same email) that she hasn't found the time to talk to me about whatever is bothering her. (Which is nonsense since we spent all of the morning before together and spoke on the phone the same evening for over 20 minutes). That night I get a ONE PARAGRAPH email that says "I just want to be friends" and essentially "it's not you it's me", (thank you George Costanza).
What's your opinion on how she chose to end our relationship? After how things were between us for over six months, don't you think I deserved a bit more than a one paragraph email? Personally I feel it was a pretty lame way to go about this, and I told her so, to which she has taken great offense. I actually think it's ironic that she dumps me, and she's the one who gets angry.
BTW: I am not angry. She's not into it anymore and that's fine. Life goes on. My questions are more about the lack of courage and/or class she displayed when ending the relationship. Considering the last six months I felt I deserve a bit more respect than she gave me.
Opinions??? | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:57:07 AM | | When it ends without an explanation it usually means there's someone else, maybe not in your case, but usually. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:00:01 AM | How else to break up, regardless of how long the relationship last? Perhaps the break up should have lasted for the next one year in order for it to feel like a respectful break up?
And yes, respectful breakups are a myth. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:09:29 AM | It is really beyond me how some people can be so callous. You did deserve better. She obviously didn't want to start talking to you about her change of heart when she first started feeling this way. She just let it build and then felt justified to make a quick exit.
Hope you can keep an open heart and find someone who is truly right for you. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:12:12 AM | I'm not sure OP that there is a brave and classy way to end a relationship but I do know that I've heard and seen a lot worse during my years in divorce law. People can be so very cruel to one another when they're breaking up. They'll damage each other's property, steal what they very well know does not belong to them, leave the other person in financial crisis, play the kids against the other parent, continue to inject themselves into each other's lives, stalk, harass and yes, even assault one another. By comparison, your sitch seems pretty mild.
What would you have liked her to do? What would have been gained by her standing in front of you once her decision was made? I don't "get" why you feel that any other way of breaking up would have addressed your perception that you "deserve more".
Perhaps, if you say what you would have preferred, some of us could offer a better answer.
I'm sorry for your hurt and disappointment. I have no doubt, you're feeling pretty badly about being unable to go on. Take special care of yourself. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:40:36 AM | I agree with you that you are deserving of more respect than what she showed. If you ever did get a little bit "angry" (or upset; frustrated; disappointed; hurt; there are many manifestations of anger) I would not blame you a bit because that's a valid, typical, normal, and healthy reaction.
However. Cough. Even if this discussion is purely out of intellectual curiosity -- the longer you continue it, the less you can claim the high road.
Lack of class, lack of courage, lack of proper respectfulness -- this is inverted name calling which you rarely find in a person who is fine with it and whose life has gone on.
Now, I'm not blaming you for her bad behavior. That belongs to her alone. My only suggestion is that you try to open up yourself to an examination of if there's anything at all about your style of relating to her, which might make a person feel afraid to talk to you in person about something this potentially explosive. Sounds to me a lot like she tried to work up to it and ultimately couldn't follow through.
All genders are guilty of perpetrating lame-ass, low-class let-downs, whether out of cowardice, fear, they just can't stand to see someone hurt who they genuinely care for, but not "in that way", or what their reasons are, I don't think we know yet, even though the fish pond is overflowing with constant repetitions of many variations on this scenario. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:41:27 AM | | You have been replaced. It looks like your replacement started the job 3 weeks ago. Just forget it and move on. Be thankful you didn't marry her. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:48:06 AM | | Yes, it's pretty low-class. Something similar happened to me, many years ago. After 7 months in what I thought would someday lead to marriage. Didn't even get a paragraph, just a voice-mail message. Totally out of the blue, since it seemed she was completely in love with me. I was so stunned I couldn't bring myself to reply and ask why. Found out recently, many years later, she got married not too long after this (and they are now divorced, hee-hee!). | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:49:59 AM | Oh man... I just don't "get" how some of you are thinking...
Why ASSUME that someone HAS to have someone else lined up in order to decide that the relationship she had with the OP wasn't working for her??? Not EVERYBODY has to start a new relationship before they end the old one so why make this assumption when you have such a high possibility of being completely wrong??
And.. why is she a "bad" person for deciding that she doesn't want to continue the relationship? What part of taking responsibility for one's own happiness makes people "bad"??
Would he be feeling better if she stood in front of him to tell him that it was over? Would his disappointment be less if she had just suddenly blurted it out instead of perhaps, taking a few weeks to think about the fact that her feelings were changing?
I don't think so... | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:55:52 AM |
Why ASSUME that someone HAS to have someone else lined up in order to decide that the relationship she had with the OP wasn't working for her??? Not EVERYBODY has to start a new relationship before they end the old one so why make this assumption when you have such a high possibility of being completely wrong??
I'm not picking on you but I have a Tarzan Theory;
Women (and men) usually don't turn loose of the vine they're swinging from until they have another firmly in hand.
OP, the email part of it would be more of an issue to me than the message. Some people can't deal with another's feelings in person, which is nonsense for an adult. Only you can tell us if she goes out of her way to avoid any conflict. Unless there's something you're not telling us, it seems a little abrupt and impersonal.
Deal with it. NEXT! | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 11:02:01 AM | What's your opinion on how she chose to end our relationship? After how things were between us for over six months, don't you think I deserved a bit more than a one paragraph email? Personally I feel it was a pretty lame way to go about this, and I told her so, to which she has taken great offense. I actually think it's ironic that she dumps me, and she's the one who gets angry.
I think there are much worse things... You may think its lame and that you want it a certain way. But really???? C'mon, I would rather an email than a drag it out for months because she is too cowardly to say it my face... At least she didn't get angry and say mean things, at least she didn't play games or blame you for something you didn't do just for an excuse. Some people go out of their way to avoid conflict and if that is her way, its her way. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 11:12:03 AM | I am wondering if she just found it too difficult to speak to you about it.
The way that you dismiss her comment-
(Which is nonsense since we spent all of the morning before together and spoke on the phone the same evening for over 20 minutes). , in my opinion, shows you brushing off what she is trying to say. Maybe she tried to bring it up, and found it too difficult.
I don't think there is any more to be displayed when ending a relationship than a clear presentation of what you are doing.
"it is over"
I don't understand what else you deserve?
She is breaking up with you, would it be better if it was a 4 paragraph email? 2 paragraphs acceptable if presented in handwriting?
Obviously, you are going to decline her offer of friendship? | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 11:31:32 AM | i was told once by my girlfriend that she wanted friendship with me over a relationship , oh yes , she wanted that to make it easier for her self as she had eyes for another guy whilst she was with me.................
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 11:49:42 AM | my advice would be to really interview your next prospective girlfriend. i ask lots of questions like how did your last relationship end? how did your marriage end? and never forget we are living in a culture with a declining morality so people need to qualify as being consciously aware of this reality and accountable for their own behavior. does it matter to her how relationships end? it matters hugely to me, it takes a while to get tangled and it take a while to get untangled. i will give a man as much time and love as he needs to find peace within a break up if i initate it. women are not all the same. interview them.
now back to your current situation........you should have had plenty of warnings that this was coming and also the opportunities to correct whatever the problem was. she may have had much in common with you but not enough. decent caring people don't leave others in such a difficult emotional quandry. immaturity is rampant. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 11:58:34 AM | It's been my experience that break ups are never a surprise.
People don't usually wake up in the morning and decide to
break off a relationship.
Usually the plans are weeks, months or sometimes years in the
planning.
Sometimes it takes that much courage to even broach the subject...
most times it just seems easier to go with the flow.
Six months doesn't seem like a long time to me, but for whatever reason
she wasn't as happy with you as she let you think. She was trying to let
you down easy...blaming herself when in fact she probably felt guilty that
she was lacking the attention for you that you probably deserved.
Cowardly? Maybe. Not very nice? Absolutely.
But IMO its better now than 10 years down the road.
But that's just me of course.
I think we spend too much time worrying about the whys of things when
the reality is...in the end everything works out just fine. If things aren't
just fine...well it just isn't the end.
Now that you have had it confirmed from the POFPP's that she was indeed
a cad for breaking up with you like that...are your feelings validated? Do you
feel better? I didn't think so.
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:05:56 PM | | We don't deserve anything but the truth no matter what form its in... yes an email is the chicken shyt way out... but still. You got it. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:12:53 PM | A lame, one-paragraph email break up is only marginally better than her doing a complete disappearance on you.
Like someone else said - if it were a few dates, an email may have been acceptable. But 6 months? Totally LAME and unacceptable. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:23:32 PM | Do you really want the truth? Do you want a person you have been dating to look you in the eye and say "I tried but I'm just don't want to date you anymore. Your jokes are no longer funny, the sex is no longer that good and I simply don't enjoy being around you" or "I've met a new person who does everything better for me than you do"
The email may not be the way you would do it but it's short and to the point. What more does she really need to say without hurting you further. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:32:46 PM | | i disagree carolann0308. if she was losing interest all along she should have been communicating it. it doesn't come all of a sudden. if one is living in integrity then they let others know where they stand. no mysteries. no out of the blue break ups. whats so hard about saying things like "theres much i like about dating you and much i don't like", "i have been wondering if our value systems line up, what do you think?" "i really enjoy being with you but ____, ___,and ____ are difficult for me to live with, do you want to work on this with me"? etc... | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:46:40 PM | | So maybe she has no integrity, or does not like confrontation or a hundred other reasons why she chose to do it this way. We cannot control other people or make them better communicators. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:48:36 PM | I think there are worse ways, and better ways, to end an involvement, and they are all hurtful anyway, so what's it matter really? What hurts is, she ended it.
At least she didn't leave you a Post-It.
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:48:48 PM |
Women (and men) usually don't turn loose of the vine they're swinging from until they have another firmly in hand.
"The vine, Jane! The Vine!!!!"
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:50:40 PM | its best to not let the " other half " know you are bothered.
move on, there are other, better, kinder, more caring, more sincere, more honest, more genuine people out there.
even if it does hurt to split its better to TRY and forget and move on, dont look back.
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:52:17 PM | She should be required to stay in the relationship until she can come up with a good way to end it that he approves of, including a reason he agrees with. If all they do is sit there in silence avoiding eye contact for months on end, years if need be, she owes him that much.
I decided that if I ever again find myself in the position of hearing someone no longer wants to be with me, I will forget their name before they finish the sentence, or before I get to the end of the email, or the postcard, or the skywriting plane has flown by, or however they tell me.
It's always a voluntary proposition and people change their minds. Anyone who promises they will be yours forever is predicting the future. They should save that awesome power for playing the lottery. Nobody can know their future. All that such an intention can be is a momentary expression of some present feeling. How they back away is secondary to the fact they back away.
Be gone, good riddance, thanks for the laughs, see you in the funny papers, and a pox on your socks. Ah, this brings back memories.
Good luck, man. I hope you get well soon. | |
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