| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:40:05 PM | Hi,
I'm seeing somebody with whom I share a great personal connection and also a great sexual one. It's increadibly pleasing and effortless being with him.
Once he wanted to tell me his fantasy. As a doting person, I listened, and he said that it would be to have a second woman with us who would be doing things to me as I give him oral, play, etc...
Simply, there is no way I will agree to that. First, for me, great sex comes from being relaxed with your partner, and I couldn't relax having a third person in the room. Secondly, It's a big turn off to think of sharing my man with another woman, even if he is just touching her. Thirdly, I would be disgusted to have a woman doing lesbic activity on me.
So I told him it wouldn't happen. I told him my reasons and that it was a no go area for me. Which was something difficult to do because he mentioned it as we woke up in the morning in bed naked, after a great night together.
I left it at that but, a couple of days ago, when he rang to see how I was, he mentioned he had a fantasy he wanted to fulfill. Thinking it was something different, I asked what it was, and he told me the same. I just went quiet and, after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, I shifted the focus of the conversation to something else.
I love pleasing my man. Part of my enjoyment is to do the things he likes and see him having fun. But there is no way I would want to be part in something like this.
My question is: how can I tell him, so he isn't disappointed, and he doesn't think that maybe I'm not as doting as he thought? I have to say that, as for the rest, he is "allowed" to do/try almost anything else he fancies... Could this become a problem?
Thanks! | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:45:42 PM | Look - he's not going to let this go - he's brought it up twice already, and will keep pestering you about it. You have three choices at this point.....either accept the pestering as something to ignore, give in for the threesome, or walk away.
My gut is telling me that you will eventually breakup due to incompatible interests in regards to your sex life. He wants to zest it up even more, you don't. Just end it now, otherwise, don't be surprised if he winds up cheating on you. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:46:05 PM | OP, you've already explained it very eloquently to the readers of this forum.
Explain to him, as you have to us, that you're uncomfortable with the scenario, and explain why. Perhaps there are other fantasies you would enjoy fulfilling with him. Take this as an opportunity to suggest some, if you like.
You shouldn't feel embarrassed about your thought process. Explain how much you enjoy his company and desire to please, but you're not able to validate his feelings on this issue.
Take care........ | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:47:32 PM | | He WILL have sex with another woman, and you are invited to join. Take it or leave it. But don't think it won't happen if you say no. He will just be with another cast... | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:48:44 PM | | life is about adventure, i say give it a go, if you dont like it you can stop at anytime, but live a little and try it you might like it,dont put limits on your life | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:52:55 PM | You can't tell him so 'he isn't disappointed'. You can't control what he feels.
You can't, shouldn't, do something you don't want to, to please him. If you did it, you wouldn't enjoy it, and you might well end up resenting him and feeling violated.
If he can't accept that you are not going to take part in this fantasy, he probably will go elsewhere to find it. You can't stop him.
Sorry. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:59:05 PM | Well, he is going to be disappointed but he Should understand that You are not interested in that. He might just be pushing in case he gets lucky and you end up saying yes. Make it verrrrry clear to him that you will Never do this.
You have no reason to feel ashamed for not wanting to this and I would stick by my conviction if I was you.
As for the poster who says that you should move on from a simple discussion well, it seems to be the rule for some that nobody should stay together through whatever little hardships there are out there. Apparently, relationships are supposed to be perfect or non-existent | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 4:10:39 PM | Hi,
Thank you all, you are great.
What bugs me is that I have already allowed him to do things (like anal sex) that I had never allowed anybody before, and he is fully aware of that. And given that our sexual encounters (they aren't our only encounters, btw) are highly driven by him and by how he wants things, I don't think he can say that I'm being selfish with regards to pleasing him.
I'm hoping that he is just trying to push to see whether I give in (he is a marketing executive, so maybe this is one trick...).
Hmmmm, I hope it's just that, he's already got more from me than others did!
Thank you x | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 4:27:40 PM | | You tell him that your fantasy is to see him with another guy, and that guy doing all the things that he wants the girl to do to you. After that one, he can have his. I'll bet he caves. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 4:49:57 PM | | Hey girl - let me start by wishing you the best of luck in your relationship. I'll try and keep it as BS freee as possible and cut to the chase. This is something that only concerns YOU and your PARTNER. Introducing a third party into the mix, and let's just say its just much, much more complex. There is nothing wrong with fantasies and MFF was a big one. I'm not at liberty to reveal anything on here, so I'll keep everyone guessing if THAT was ever fulifilled. Point is, I believe there just can't be even the slightest hint of discomfort with the idea of it, period. In this case, the resolution is 100% absolute - either your for it or against. From what I know women who have been involved in threesomes that HAVE worked out were either bisexual or at least had bi-curious tendencies. I don't know you personally - that's your business anyways. But I can suppose here that even if you do go through with it, it most likely won't turn out according to the (script) ahem. Almost always never. But it just won't settle well with you. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:43:36 PM | This so funny, I had a partner once who told me the same thing. My position same as yours about that sort of thing, He kept asking, and asking, Even wanting me to find the girl. Then I said it would have to be a man, thinking he'd shut up. He agreed. Shyt Now what! I had told him when he had mentioned it a few times, if I were not enough for him then I would be gone. He had watched all that porn over the years and I think he wanted to star  . I think he mentioned it a time to many and I got up to leave.
As time went on, He eventually admitted, he didn't need, are really want it, especially if he had to chose. Good Luck with that. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:54:15 PM | I this just a FWB, or is this a long term relationship that you are after?
If I was with a getnleman that I was considering having a long term relationship with, and he was suggesting bringing in a third party...I'd be out of there real quick.
I want a man to be only thinking of me...no one else. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:56:43 PM |
Hmmmm, I hope it's just that, he's already got more from me than others did!
He's going to keep trying unless you give him a FIRM "NO!"
Because he's been able to talk you into other things, he's going to assume this is the same, except he has to work a bit harder to get you to "give in".
If he brings it up again, stop whatever you're doing, look him straight in the eye, and with a "voice of authority", say "NO. I've already told you before, and don't ask for that again."
Then KEEP EYE CONTACT until he understands that you're SERIOUS.
If he asks again after that, drop the idiot. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:57:35 PM | I don't even see why this needs discussing. You aren't interested, the first time he asked you said 'no'. The next time you ask you remind him you said 'no' the first time and meant it.
If there is a third time then you should be dumping him and not looking for any polite way to say anything. No means No. I thought by now every woman knew this. Anything short of being firm with him about this is sending mixed signals. If he can't handle you being a firm 'no', he isn't going to be respecting any of your boundaries. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 6:37:38 PM |
If I was with a getnleman that I was considering having a long term relationship with, and he was suggesting bringing in a third party...I'd be out of there real quick.
That would be how I see it as well but some people see it differently.
I want a man to be only thinking of me...no one else.
That is sooooooooooooo unrealistic! | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 7:39:49 PM | Just say no. No need to worry about the polite factor. If you want, read him your forum post. Never do anything you are not comfortable with just to please someone else. What about your own needs? Don't they matter? Of course they do. If you are uncomfortable, just say no.
If you need a stranger's permission for you to find your own voice, here it is. Listen to the little voice in you that is there to protect yourself. For your own reasons (that you wrote out so well) just say no.
Respect YOURSELF. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 7:40:24 PM | Sounds like a one sided relationship to me. It's okay to want to fulfill fantasies but the people involved should be willing participants.
OP as someone already stated, you should NEVER do anything you aren't comfortable with EVER.
You have your own mind and nobody should control it. Never feel pressured about anything. That's not a relationship, that's his own control issue if he can't accept you don't want to do it. If he doesn't respect that and your decision, then you have to decide if that's the type of person you want to be with. Don't do it just cause you think you might lose him. If you do, then that's on you and he's a selfish SOB and I would tell him don't let the door hit him on the azz on the way out. Either way, you end up doing something you didn't want to do in the first place. There ain't a big enough d1ck to hypnotize me to muff dive. Women annoy me anyway...but that's another thread.
Also, lot's of times fantasies should just stay that. It's never as good as what goes on in your head. Tell him you are strictly d!ckly and have no interest in another vagina joining the mix. Trust me, I'm with you on that. The only vagina I want any part of is my own and nobody could force me to think any other way. I'm like a gay man trapped in a female body...bring on the penis..the more the merrier.  I keep having men ask me if I'm bi...I ask back. are you? Shuts them up real quick.
You could tell him your fantasy is to have two guys and you want to see him receive anal since he seems fond of it. What's good for the goose...and I do mean goose like in his azz. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 7:54:44 PM | | I suppose he may just be trying it on, in the sense that he's seeing if you will agree to it but will drop the idea if you don't. Or, it could be that he's far too tempted to do this and will do it anyway, with or without you. I sense you are feeling pressured and he is applying pressure, albeit subtle. If I were you (and I'm not, of course), I would seriously think whether I wanted this man enough. I think you are going to find him testing you sexually for as long as you are with him. I feel he's no respecter of boundaries. The more involved you get, the more he's likely to hurt you in this area. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 8:15:30 PM |
I'm hoping that he is just trying to push to see whether I give in (he is a marketing executive, so maybe this is one trick...).
My G/F gave in to all the pressure from her now Ex husband... to do all that... 3somes, swinging etc... he was never satisfied and it was all about him... she was naive andthought she needed to please him....
Eventually, he left her for someone he met that way....
It's taken her years to get over it all.... it's not worth it to you if you aren't there 100%....
She once told me that if she knew what it would do to her she would have killed him with her bare hands first.... I honestly don't think she will ever completely get over it...
Don't do anything you don't want to do for YOURSELF! And don't mistake his fantasies for what YOU want.... | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 9:32:19 PM | OP you got great advice towards the bottom here...
If YOUR guy loved you, and felt like you feel about him, then him asking once is all that he'd do... However it doesn't appear to be you that he really is in to, but rather is into pleasing his own fantasies, and getting what he wants out of you when ever he wants...
Stop shifting the focus and get direct with him, because you need to really find out where you and he are as a couple, and if you are as truly important to him, or just a warm body to fulfill all his fantasies... I think you should think about particularly the post from the man who's gf who went out of her way to PLEASE her ex bf, and now has emotional injury from endlessly trying, and doing things that she didn't want to do...
If he is disappointed that you won't allow some woman to be in bed with the two of you, then this relationship is NOT about you and him, but about what he wants...
Telling you to live it up, and do things you aren't in the least interested, or comfortable with, is like saying you live it up, but as a man we aren't designed to get jiggy with other men... but women...
No, if that isn't your gig, then it isn't your gig, and you need to further explanation. Good luck... | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:57:43 PM |
My question is: how can I tell him, so he isn't disappointed, and he doesn't think that maybe I'm not as doting as he thought? I have to say that, as for the rest, he is "allowed" to do/try almost anything else he fancies... Could this become a problem?
Holy crap. I'd expect a question like this from someone a whole lot younger than your 32 yrs you are claiming in your profile. What happened to your ability to say to him just what you said here??
"I'm sorry, I'm not interested in doing that, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm not interested in sharing you with someone else. If it is a requirement of yours, then I guess we are finished because I'm never going to do it, no matter how many times you ask."
Has nothing to do with being doting or not. Has to do with your willingness and comfort level. Don't do it if you are uncomfortable.
Could it be a problem? Potentially. Depends on him. If he's stupid enough to keep pushing you to do it, or worse, goes behind your back to arrange it with a couple of other girls.. well... let's just say your inability to communicate effectively and clearly with your partner will be your undoing. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 12:42:32 AM | Thank you all, a lot of good advice here and consensus.
Somebody recently said to me that, because I married young, my maturing process towards men stopped at a young age, and that's how I suppose I find myself asking this type of question.
The thing is that today we live in a sexualized society, and people are more educated and independent, and a lot more pushy for whatever they want. I've had people say to me that they wouldn't want to try to have a relationship with me because I would stop them from reaching their dreams, etc. And there is so much people out there willing to do whatever, that one starts to feel a little bit worried that, if she doesn't "raise her game", she will be dropped time and time again.
I'm grateful for those of you how advice to just say what I said, but firmly and seriously. Knowing him, he will probably get the point and leave it... I have already got annoyed with him over other issue and he was quick to apologise profusely and drop it.
Although it's early days for us, we got together more as two lonely people who are comfortable with each other and are meeting each other's needs, rather than a sense of fairy tale and from here to the end of the world.
It's comforting to hear your consensous that he shouldn't pursue it enough for this to become a dealbreaker, and that he should respect my boundaries, since there can be a lot of fun and enjoyment just being the two of us (and there is!). At the end of the day, he's got a woman twenty something years younger than him doting on him, I suppose he should be grateful for that and make the most of it!!
Once again, thank you for your understanding and advice. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 12:46:56 AM | {"My question is: how can I tell him, so he isn't disappointed"}
This will NEVER happen. It's just not possible, so you might as well just tell him and be done with it! Sounds like if he's that persistant he's going to do it eventually with or without you. JMO | |
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