| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/25/2009 8:49:16 PM | how many of you and be honest have just walked away. As in walked away I mean had a meaningful relationship (decent) and after 3 or 4 months or longer just decided to walk away.
I define decent as got along, no abuse, not many problems. Just decided that person was not right for you and high tailed it out of there.
Did you consider feeling? Did you care what they felt? Did you ever return phone calls or wonder what there up too?
This is for people who did the dumping. I will thank you for your honesty upfront?  | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/25/2009 8:59:50 PM | | Its still broken heart issue to me. (guy or girl) Its about how people can break people hearts and not care or worry. Maybe its a sign of strength or weakness. Just curious | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/25/2009 9:35:04 PM | | In January I walked away after two and a half years together because as much as I cared for him, for what ever reason, I knew I was never going to marry him. And since I do eventually want to get married, it was pointless to continue on as we were. I did consider his feelings and although I hurt them (it was unavoidable) I tried to make it as easy for him as I could. I stayed away till he was ready to be friends again. But we are VERY good friends again and always will be. | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:41:46 PM | I do it all the time. Well, not ALL the time. OK, yes, well, then, all the time.
Men seem to be willing to have so-so relationships. I won't stay with anyone who doesn't want to be in a real relationship with me, who won't make the effort for "us". Men more often seem to want to just drift along, never address or fix anything, pretend we're getting along great, then get all upset when they get dumped. | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:47:04 PM | Well, this was with one of the first girls I umm.... well I don't know what to call it. We got engaged after barely two weeks of knowing each other, I think in retrospect it was mostly lust and phsyical attraction.
Anyway, she had a bad eating disorder and her parents finally put her in a mental hospital to help her fix the problem. She had extreme issues I found out later, stemming from abuse from her father. I visited her at least once a week for 2 months, sometimes more if I could (the job I had was a work study program at my school - $8.00 an hour with a limit of 20 hours a week, and the hospital she was in was Westchester, which cost $26 altogether in public transportation fare to get to from where I was...)
Eventually, there were signs she was not getting better. She was very irratible, and being a heavy smoker, only made it worse when she was forced to go cold turkey on them because of hospital rules (fresh air breaks allowed her to smoke but you only get 2 a day).
It wasn't until she was forcibly away from me for a long while, and I sat in bed thinking about her, that I realized that we barely knew each other aside from physical contact. I often offered to take her on dates but she would always refuse, citing instead that she was simply happy to... well you know. We had no memories together other then this, and I wanted to make some, but she never wanted to do anything other then that. When these thoughts hit home, I suddenly felt as if I could not love her anymore... it's an ***hole thing to do, I know, and it's always been a private shame of mine. I broke off our relationship during my last visit at the hospital, and she was crying. It hurt me too, but I felt as if there wasn't anything I could do... when I look back on it now I realize I was a huge jackass back then. I deserve whatever criticism I get from onlookers for this... | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 12:59:48 AM | Yes - for me, anyways, the 3 or 4 month mark is when it seems to happen if it is going to happen (ie: good relationship but realize for other reasons we are not compatible). At that point you start seeing the 'real' person and not the person they projected/believed themselves to be. As soon as I don't feel I can be happy in the long term with someone, I will simply break up with them. If we get past the 3-4 month mark it is because I know who they are and I am ok with whatever differences we have. At that point any breakup that happens is due to actual relationship issues.
Did I consider their feelings/care what they felt? Of course. The thing is... it kind of doesn't matter. If I won't be happy in the long run, I am actually doing them a favour by leaving them as soon as I recognize that rather than dragging it out - no?
Did I ever return phone calls? Yes and no. I will allow the person to vent and communicate everything that they have to say - whether it is nice or mean or yelling or whatever that is. There is that "considering their feelings" thing again. I understand that people need closure. I only give them about a week or so to do that in, though. After that it's just drama.
Do I wonder what they are up to? Of course! I mean, if I went out with them for 3 or 4 months we built a connection and I care for them in some way. Just because I care for them, though, does not make them compatible or a good match for me.
When being the 'dumper' I really think it is important to be decisive. I would never dump someone without thinking it through. I would also never be wishy-washy about it, because that is just cruel. | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:28:30 AM | Well....for me......No. I am usually the person that gets dumped.
So I don't really know what it is like to be the one to leave a good relationship. - I just know what it is like to be left behind......... | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 10:56:14 AM | I'm not quite sure what the OP is after here so........
I've walked away from relationships sure, why wouldn't anyone that's not ''feeling'' it?
It's not good to be on the receiving end but hey, better now than later.
Lifes too short to hang on to something that will certainly fail......move on. | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 12:40:54 PM | If you're posting this question because you're noticing a pattern in your own relationships perhaps you should talk to a therapist. I should know, that's what I'm doing.
It may stem from a trust issue or an unresolved conflict. Or maybe you weren't breastfed long enough (sorry...bad joke). Either way, it seems you have enough empathy for the other person to know that you're hurting them as well as yourself and that's a good sign.
Good luck to you!!! | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 2:51:28 PM | You can't measure how much/little someone cares by how the handle a breakup.
We all grieve differently... even when we're the ones who have to break things off.
Too much is being assumed here. | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 3:11:59 PM | | I walked away from a decent relationship..once.And no, I didn't give a crap what she felt, nor did I return any of her calls. | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 3:29:11 PM | | I did. I was so totally in love. I still love her and have shared the story with my daughters. I was just living a lifestyle (not drugs or crap) that would not have been good for her and I knew it. Turned out I was right and did the right thing. Just screwed my life up and not hers. | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 6:45:53 PM | I wrote this blog on my myspace page last year in a moment of clarity when I asked the same of myself....Appreciate what you learn and teach...not all loves are meant to last and the one that is will be the one that you will fight for to build and that will find it's way into your heart when you think there is nothing left....
"This is for the men I have loved: I loved you because I saw something worth chasing in you. I saw past all the smoke and mirrors that so many of us keep up now days.Some loves were deeper than others and some drained me till I had nothing left to give. A true love never dies. It may of been the way you made me laugh, the catch of that sparkle in that sideways glance that only we could share, the comfort in knowing that you could accept me with all my faults and imperfections, the knowledge that we endured endless ups and downs and grew together and even apart in order to aspire to be better individuals, the potential to see something great explored in passing days, and simply the fact that you could reach down into the core of me to let me fall in love with you. You that I have loved all had a part in making me a better woman and helped me to know what I will need and want in the future from a relationship. For the ones I left...I left because I loved you enough to let you go when I knew I could not give you what you needed or that you needed to find yourself. And I thank those that left me in order to not drag out things when there was no future in sight. I may keep my heart heavily guarded, but those few that I let in know that I will always be there for you and will always be a friend no matter how much time has passed. So I Thank you Jason C, Jesse J, Brion VDB, Curt V & Ken H. Thank you for being a part of my life at some point or another and all that you have taught me. Thanking you for your gift of love in the times that have passed and best wishes for you all!" | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 7:19:06 PM | I had a very meaningful relationship and finally just had to go. I can't say that it wasn't because we didn't love each other but more of the fact that the timing was just not there. It was a long distance relationship and he was in the military. Two strikes from the get go.
We broke up a couple times but always came right back to each other.
The last time was when I had to break all ties. I did consider his feelings because that is how I was..putting his before mine but I finally had to put me first.
Since that time, we have not had contact but I do wonder how he is doing. I don't think I would want contact at this point because it took too long to get over it. Hell, it took me a year to finally be able to hear certain songs on the radio that reminded me of him.
Damn I might need a drink after writing that lol  I'm just kidding! | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:08:05 PM | Didn't like the way that I had to do it, but I got fed up with all the nonsense. I cared for him very much. I just felt that if concerns were brought up and problems talked about, issues shouldn't exist still. When they do and there is no relief for the two people involved, it is time to leave. Cut off all ties with that person and don't look back.
There are reasons why phone calls are not returned and that is because the person can be selfish sometimes and you just can't reason with such people. They are intent on getting their own way and being told in a sincere way that the both of you were not meant to be together just will not work.
Say what you will say and don't make yourself feel or be responsible for how the person takes it. That can happen when the otherperson refuses to see your way. Not saying to dominate the situation, but the boundaries of a relationship should not be the responsibility of just one person. | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:16:56 PM | Wow, these are some good replies. I myself have never walked away.
I have the experience of being the dumped and the person vanished without a trace.
I can start to see why some people just cut ties completely. Its either painful or they just plain dont give a hoot!  | |
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| A question to all the fish in the sea
Posted: 9/26/2009 10:16:15 PM | | I recently broke up with a guy that I had been dating for about 8 months. It just was not going anywhere and when I tried to talk to him about it he just said it was all in my head. I cared for him a great deal but there were issues in his life that he was having a hard time dealing with and it spilled over into our relationship. I tried to remain friends with him and after a while he consented and apologized for not acting appropriately when we broke up. But the friendship is strictly through small messages sent via email. I have tried to have more but I guess it is too hard for him to handle. I don't think he was in love with me. We were just comfortable with each other and got along great. But in retrospect, the reason we got along was because I made all the effort and it was at my own expense. I am glad it didn't go on any longer. I just hate it that he can't get past it. I will be his friend forever if he will let me. | |
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