| Need guidance in how to stop blaming myself/thinking about her/fantazising improbable utcomes
Posted: 9/26/2009 4:43:24 AM | My story: I met this girl. We hung out for a while. She didn't let me kiss her the first couple of times. Then she gave in. We would always hang out and have fun, kiss, sleep together (no sex), go on dates. We'd act like a couple, but never made it official. We were both cool that way. A year went by and it seemed like she was ready to take a next step, but I wasn't. So there was a period of time in which we saw each other, but not quite as frequently. Then, by the last three months, we barely talked. But I always felt her close ...
I always felt this girl close in my heart, even if we weren't close in distance. I don't know if you can understand the feeling of someone close even when they're not there, but that's what I had. By the time I started feeling she was slipping away, I tried to let her know that she was in my heart still (she ALWAYS was). Unfortunately for me, she didn't feel the same anymore. My disregard for her and my thought that she'd always be there no matter what happened had ended up in her drifting away. A couple of weeks ago, after she had been ignoring my texts and calls, she pretty much gave me the final stab when she said she ONLY wanted to be friends. She was so clear in that part ... I won't go into details in how clear she made it ... but that day I KNEW she stopped feeling for me the way I feel for her.
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That was the story. I know she doesn't love me. I understand that. And I understand I have to move on. I have done it before, so I know I can do it again ... But what it's really hard is to stop suffering and blaming myself because I had the girl I loved, and I allowed myself to lose her. It's a SICK feeling. HOW do I stop blaming myself? HOW do I forgive myself? ... and people, please TRUST ME, it was MY fault ...
Yes, I know I'm an idiot. I really don't need anyone to point that out anymore. I know it, I have that thought present in my head 24/7 ... So many people fighting for the ones they love ... and here I had the one I wanted all along ... and just let her go ... Please, I just need help coping with my stupidity ... really ... I'd really appreciate your advice thanks ... | |
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| Need guidance in how to stop blaming myself/thinking about her/fantazising improbable utcomes
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:20:13 AM |
I met this girl. We hung out for a while. She didn't let me kiss her the first couple of times. Then she gave in. We would always hang out and have fun, kiss, sleep together (no sex), go on dates.
Well.......I have a bit of a hard time with the sleeping together/no sex thing........as that pretty much goes hand in hand.....but failing that........
We'd act like a couple, but never made it official. We were both cool that way. A year went by and it seemed like she was ready to take a next step, but I wasn't. So there was a period of time in which we saw each other, but not quite as frequently. Then, by the last three months, we barely talked. But I always felt her close ...
Well......you weren't ready.......and you acknowledge that. My hat is off to you in that, as there are many out here who embark on something that they aren't ready for. - and pay a huge price later on......like 10 or 20 years and a couple of kids down the line, darkening the door of divorce court and child support/visitation agreements, and splitting assets and joint accounts down the middle.
I always felt this girl close in my heart, even if we weren't close in distance. I don't know if you can understand the feeling of someone close even when they're not there, but that's what I had. By the time I started feeling she was slipping away, I tried to let her know that she was in my heart still (she ALWAYS was). Unfortunately for me, she didn't feel the same anymore. My disregard for her and my thought that she'd always be there no matter what happened had ended up in her drifting away.
Did you take her for granted? - For granted she would always be there waiting for you? - I can assure you, you are not alone. Many of us out here do take others for granted and you never know what you have until it's gone.
A couple of weeks ago, after she had been ignoring my texts and calls, she pretty much gave me the final stab when she said she ONLY wanted to be friends. She was so clear in that part ... I won't go into details in how clear she made it ... but that day I KNEW she stopped feeling for me the way I feel for her.
Basically, she moved on. She probably found someone else and said she wanted to be friends to have you as a back up. - a soft place to land if her new current relationship doesn't work out. - Not that hard to figure out.
But when you get down to the brass tacks of it, are you sure she felt the same about you as you did about her? Maybe you were in her life to help pass the time until she found someone else. - That has been known to happen. Sad but true.
I know she doesn't love me. I understand that. And I understand I have to move on. I have done it before, so I know I can do it again ... But what it's really hard is to stop suffering and blaming myself because I had the girl I loved, and I allowed myself to lose her. It's a SICK feeling. HOW do I stop blaming myself? HOW do I forgive myself? ... and people, please TRUST ME, it was MY fault ...
Well, you can start moving on my not being so harsh with yourself. Unfortunately in our society, we tend to be SO hard on ourselves. I think you are a brave, talented, and wonderful person. - You know enough to stand up and own up to your mistakes, and foibles. You got guts! Which is a whole lot more than I can say about a lot of men out here.
So, now you can move on by learning from your mistakes, treating yourself a bit better, and also by healing. Don't waste any more time thinking or obsessing about her, because I can guarantee, she isn't thinking about you. Take a break from relationships and dating, take some time to heal, and in the meantime, stay busy and focused.
Get out there. Mix it up a bit. Meaning - get involved - join a sporting league, a club, or take up a new hobby or volunteer somewhere. These healthy activities will not only get you out of the house for a bit, but give you something positive and constructive to look forward to. And yes, you will meet a whole score of wonderful friends in the process who will no doubt be a huge support to you. - But a word of caution, do NOT go into these new ventures with the idea or hope of meeting someone special. - That will come later on after you have had some time to get your head on straight.
Good luck, God Speed, and keep us posted.
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| Need guidance in how to stop blaming myself/thinking about her/fantazising improbable utcomes
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:24:36 AM | Youre not an idiot, you are a guy whos going through some shit. Its funny how i lost girl for rushing and you did by taking it too long.
I best advice is to cut her off completely. Tell her that you cant be friends, delete her from everything you have facebook, myspace etc. Just dont talk to her. Thats what i do when i wanna forget about some one | |
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| Need guidance in how to stop blaming myself/thinking about her/fantazising improbable utcomes
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:20:25 AM | Sounds like she thought that she was a couple with you, although there wasn't any sex. What to do, what to do....
Take this as a learning experience and next time define the boundaries of the relationship together with your SO so the other person doesn't have to second guess everything that is going on.
Just use this time constructively. You know what happened and use it to your advantage so that the next time you are in the same situation, you know how to proceed. Just don't date right away, it may take a while before you are truly ready to be open with anyone right now and the other person may suffer because of it.
It is painful, but as you put distance between yourself and this relationship you will get over it eventually. She will become a fond memory. | |
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| Need guidance in how to stop blaming myself/thinking about her/fantazising improbable utcomes
Posted: 9/26/2009 12:21:11 PM | Please try to understand this as a step to forgiving yourself: you cannot control her feelings or her behavior.
You are not an idiot, you a a guy with regrets about how you handled some things in this relationship. You are learning a lot right now, and that's a good thing as long as you don't get bitter or obsessed.
Really, what I see is that the timing of truly connecting was off for the two of you - this happens in life. If I were her, I'd have thought "too late," and would also have made the friends only statement. Why? Because I would have decided that you were not all that connected to me, that enough time has passed to make that next-level connection, and it never happened. Did she tell you anything like that, by any chance?
If she never communicated much to you about how she felt until now, then the most recent stuff was pent-up. If she was trying to communicate all along, were you truly listening? | |
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| Need guidance in how to stop blaming myself/thinking about her/fantazising improbable utcomes
Posted: 9/26/2009 2:17:58 PM | You are a bit of an idiot, but I can say the same about myself so don't get too distraught over this..
The trouble here is it's all been about you. You took her for granted. You thought she'd hang around as long as you wanted. But she didn't.
You don't know if she went through the hell you're going through when you decided to cool the relationship for a while. Maybe she did and when you decided you wanted to heat it up again, her feelings for you had gone.
So - there's your lesson. Don't assume your partner is happy with little attention from you. No one wants to be put on the back burner. Women aren't going to sit around and wait until you decide you're ready - you need to decide one way or another. It's not fair to them.
Don't beat yourself up. Learn from this and don't make the same mistake twice. Good luck, OP. | |
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| Need guidance in how to stop blaming myself/thinking about her/fantazising improbable utcomes
Posted: 9/26/2009 3:11:24 PM | Yeah I took her for granted. I know it. I saw it happening, too, when I could still do something about it ... but I didn't. I knew this was how everything was going to end up ... but I didn't do anything.
It's just real tough to not think about how I didn't appreciate what I have, which was a lot. I have already cut off all ties to her pretty much (and she isn't calling me or anything, which helps). I'm also sure there's got to be someone else in her life (which she's got every right to get since I was a fool).
Her birthday is Sept. 30. I'm just trying to get through this hell month. October should be good psychologically.
I am learning a lot. I'll get through this ... I'm just trying to learn how to minimize this pain and this blame. Thanks guys for your words. | |
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| Need guidance in how to stop blaming myself/thinking about her/fantazising improbable utcomes
Posted: 9/27/2009 7:47:06 PM | OP, at some point in the future, you will look back and see the perfection in all, in why one thing had to have happened a certain way for the next thing around the corner to unfold. Sometime's not being clairvoyant and having that 360 view makes us impatient- I do realize, you feel right now that it's hard to be you. If you could read peep's autobio accounts of their life and how things turned around for them when it seemed all hope was lost, It might broaden your perspective and help you to accept what is. Meditation might also help you cut to the core of yourself. I wish you well on your journey Wiyan | |
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