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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What do we do when not attracted to our date?      Home login  
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 Smileygal40
Joined: 2/2/2009
Msg: 1
What do we do when not attracted to our date?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I'd just like to know how people feel about what to do when you're not physically attracted to your date. Let's face it, on line dating is tough since we only view photos first.
I had a date recently that I was not attracted to. Actually, I had agreed to meet him for coffee. I wanted to keep things simple for the first time. He was clearly a nice man but as soon as I saw him, I knew I did not want to become romantically involved. I did not have the heart to find a way to say something to him about it not working for me so I stayed and enjoyed his company.
After our date, of course, I had to tell him that I was not interested in romance. He seemed to think that I did him an injustice by staying and not telling him sooner.
What do you do when you don't find your date to be attractive? Unfortunately, I think it hurts no matter what we do.
I know that some people think that it's shallow to desire that physical attraction. I fell in love with a man that I was not attracted to and had a LTR with him . I met him online. We had a our first date and had a fabulous time but I had to tell him that I only wanted to be friends. He agreed and we kept our friendship going. Several months later, our friendship turned into more. Ironically, in the end, he left me. We are still friends today, probably for life. I did always feel though that an element was missing because of that lack of attraction for him. Next time, I want to feel it all. I don't think that that is shallow or selfish. Attraction does matter.
 tass08
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 2
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:41:41 AM
That's why you have a first MEET before you have a first DATE. Meet people who you find interesting online to find out if the interest translates into real life.

Internet dating 101.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 3
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:46:31 AM
OP

I don't do rude but I also don't do dinner as a first date unless I am very sure. And if I'm not interested I don't prolong the date. People hate the "coffee date" but truly, if you're not sure of someone, meeting midday for something simple gives you an out if you need it or time if things are going well.

Plus, I never see it as a first date. It's someone I'm going to meet--my expectations are kept at a minimum. Rejection cuts both ways some times.

And you might wanna do away with the "next time I want to feel it all" thing. It's a first MEETING that might lead to more. Going in with your expectations set so high will only cause you grief you don't need.

We all want that next date to be our last date. But you have to give it a chance to be that.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 4
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What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 5:37:22 AM
I think what you did is just fine. You committed to meet for coffee, followed through, then said you'd just as soon not meet again -- that you didn't feel the chemistry.

That's fine! That's just plain good manners, and it's way better form than displayed by the people who sneak out bathroom windows or rear entrances.

Rejection stings -- you can't change that. But neither should you change how you handle such situations. IMO.
 NerdStatus
Joined: 1/9/2007
Msg: 5
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What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 5:47:56 AM

I'd just like to know how people feel about what to do when you're not physically attracted to your date.

Ask self: "Is this person interesting"
If yes = friend zone & tell them so
Else = End date quickly, pay for my 1/2 (at least) of the date (where applicable), don't setup another date, inform former potential I don't believe we're a good match

There was only one time the person was SO irritatingly valley girl I had to stop mid-meal and bow out. I just told her I didn't think we were a good match, paid for the meal and left.

He seemed to think that I did him an injustice by staying and not telling him sooner.

Some people handle rejection more gracefully than others.

I know that some people think that it's shallow to desire that physical attraction

It's healthy & normal to want to be physically attracted to your partner. It's only (arguably) unhealthy if it's the only criterion you use.
 Dokushin
Joined: 8/19/2009
Msg: 6
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 6:24:43 AM
You can't help who you are attracted to, and you have the right to not "settle." I don't think it's shallow at all to decide to not pursue a relationship with someone you're not attracted to (and this is coming from a guy who's not exactly knockout material).

That said, it's a little rough to go through a whole meeting thinking "wow, this could work" only to get shut down at the end. It's a tough situation. You don't want to waste your time entirely -- there might be good friend potential there, or at least an interesting conversation.

Personally, if I was on a date/coffee with a girl who wasn't interested, I'd really rather she tell me as soon as she had decided that -- "I don't really think this is going to work romantically, but I'm always up for good conversation," something like that. I don't go somewhere expecting a girl to think I'm the sliced-bread slayer, and I don't take things like that personally. I also know, however, that many guys wouldn't take that well.

Another factor is, there are multiple avenues of attraction, and you owe it to yourself to give it a little time -- maybe he has a killer smile, or a nice laugh, or whatever it is women think is cool about guys, and it just needs a bit to come out.

I guess the best solution might be exactly how you handled it. It's internet dating -- he has a duty to be on guard as well.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
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What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 7:36:48 AM
Full body pics and (clean) cam sessions along with phone calls help before agreeing to meet, but setting up a coffee or something similar where you're only there a half hour is better the first time for both parties. Make a real date once you decide you are both interested and want to spend the time.

However, people who are meeting from the internet should be aware that not every person they meet is going to like them - if they think otherwise they shouldn't be dating. While it may not be easy for some to hear what you told this guy, he should be happy he got an honest result one way or the other so he can move on and meet someone else.

P.S.:

Get specific. What exactly is it about them you don't like. Tell them.
Make a list if you must. Give them something to work with.

This is nonsense. You don't owe anyone any more than a no thanks - anything you tell them won't matter anyway since all women like different things. In fact, most people would be offended by a list of what you think is wrong with them.
 feistyredangel
Joined: 7/9/2009
Msg: 8
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 7:39:23 AM

He seemed to think that I did him an injustice by staying and not telling him sooner.


Geez, some people. Seriously, would he have rather you said it in the middle of the whole thing or got up and left him sitting at the table? No, you did it tactfully and politely so this is his issue, not yours. Unless he clearly stated before you met, 'hey, if you don't like me just tell me before we even begin so I can get my coffee to go" type of thing.

I think when people get shallow about physical attraction is when they only want a boxed set of criteria and won't settle for anything less. They won't look at what is inside or what that person has to offer them because they aren't on their checklist. To me, physical attraction comes at different levels but a great, genuine smile is always more attractive than anything else.

Good luck :)
 repair-guy
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 9
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 7:42:12 AM
Get specific. What exactly is it about them you don't like. Tell them.
Make a list if you must. Give them something to work with. Then tell them to take a hike. No, don't do that, you'll only see them again on the trails...
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 10
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 7:46:58 AM

He seemed to think that I did him an injustice by staying and not telling him sooner.

As if there's anything wrong with keeping your commitments! If you'd cut it short, he probably would have said that was rude. Some people take it just fine; this one didn't. What he is really upset about is just that you're not interested.

Unfortunately, I think it hurts no matter what we do.

Yep.

I think you handled this just fine. Well-mannered and honest. It's pretty unreasonable to expect anything more from a first date.

I know that some people think that it's shallow to desire that physical attraction.

I don't think anyone really does believe that. I think some say it in hopes of convincing people, to whom they are attracted, to date them.
 smileatjen
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 11
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:34:24 AM
What I typically do is not have expectations and meet for the first time without calling it a date. I still talk to the other person then after the meeting just say it was nice meeting you.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 12
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 10:04:04 AM
Meeting for coffee or drinks is fine. Spending a half hour talking with someone isn't going to kill any of us. You let him know after coffee that it wasn't working for you and that was the appropriate thing to do. To tell someone when they walk up that they aren't what you are looking for would be incredibly rude, in my opinion. At least do what you did. Speak with them and enjoy their company.

And, smileygal, you have every right to want it ALL next time and I hope you find it. Attraction is a huge part of a relationship and looks are a part of that. That doesn't mean the person has to be gorgeous. They just have to get your juices flowing. Sometimes it's just a man's presence and attitude and how he handles himself that attracts us. I know I've fallen for plenty of men who were not GQ material but damn, there was something about them that just knocked my socks off. So don't give up. I've met the man of my dreams on this site, so it can and does happen. Just don't settle.

Good luck!
 Megaladonfishy
Joined: 5/7/2008
Msg: 13
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What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 10:59:00 AM
Needing to feel attraction is shared by most life forms on the planet, it's pretty normal up until the point where it becomes mental illness
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 14
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What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 11:17:44 AM
You handled it just fine OP; its your date that had the issue, but that falls out side your area of concern. As long as you are true to yourself and honest, I say keep on doing what you are doing. If someone can't accept a simple, polite rejection that is their problem, not yours.
 Self-awareness
Joined: 9/20/2009
Msg: 15
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 11:22:23 AM

What do we do when not attracted to our date?

Go home and don't eat his "free lunch". We need harmonizing not him to complain about how much he has paid and gets nothing from his date.
 SleepyMcGee
Joined: 5/16/2008
Msg: 16
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What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 11:50:55 AM
I've gone on a few dates where there's been a lack of attraction from both sides. I've found the best course of action is just be honest. Tell them thanks for the coffee, it was a nice time but you think it'd be best if you were just friends, if they can't take the hint they are incredibly dense.

If they can't take rejection they need to learn to anyways.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 17
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:44:10 PM
I say be cordial, polite and respectful with it, yeah the person will be hurt because not be desirable physically hits that ego, but if you are decent about they should get over it. No it's not shallow if you wants someone physically attractive, evrybody has a right what preferences they choose, if they get mad because you want something they don't have "screw em."
 vanililly
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 18
What do we do
Posted: 9/28/2009 5:09:30 PM
You're looking for validation that you've done right?

What can I say.
You have done right.
As per the standard expectation of a human norm.

You've agreed to a coffee date, stayed the course as you should, stated your opinion in the end.

He's just frustrated that he doesn't get your cookie with his coffee.
Oh, well.

:-)
Best of luck!
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 19
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 5:41:30 PM
OP: I can relate all too well with NO ATTRACTION when you meet someone for the first time. I just take a deep breath, enjoy the conversation and end the date as gracefully as possible.


P.S. If they ask (and some do), be honest - no attraction romantically.
 _central_scrutinizer_
Joined: 9/15/2009
Msg: 20
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/28/2009 6:36:06 PM
He seemed to think that I did him an injustice by staying and not telling him sooner.


I come from the school of thought that when one is on a first-meet and one realizes there is no future with the other person, one should terminate the meet as soon as possible without being a jackass, tactfully and respectfully. Then don't worry about his/her reaction. It's not your problem.

If you are the sort that cares about "minimizing the damage" to the other person, it may help to not to engage in the endless texting and phone conversations prior to the meet, lest the other person think they have "a lot of time invested" and decide to become abusive. (Yes, this sort of thing happens.) If you think you might be interested, have a minimal phone conversation to know the other person is at least not some teenager playing games, and you set up a first-meet, make it clear that it's a meet and not a date, per se, set the boundaries in advance, and then meet.

But I don't date wimmen from dating sites, so what the hell do I know.

 Rare Gemette
Joined: 5/15/2009
Msg: 21
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/29/2009 8:55:19 AM
hi Smileygal40.


YOU did just fine. Physicall attraction is KEY and I believe women give men more chances in this category than men do for women. In other words, if a man is NOT attracted to you, he won't waste any further time. WE women because we are emotional creatures and wired differently sometimes may give a guy a 2nd date chance if all other elements are in line (personality, humour etc).

I don't think it is necessary to tell someone that you are not physically attracted to them. For myself, I just say that I would like to meet other people or I didn't feel a strong enough connection. That is IT !!!!

This man was insecure in his reply toyou. I tell you that if you told him earlier he would have found another rebuttle such as..women don't give us guys a chance or you were rude & so on and & so on.

take care ...all the best to you !!
 flyin squirrel
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 22
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What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/29/2009 9:35:55 AM

here was only one time the person was SO irritatingly valley girl I had to stop mid-meal and bow out. I just told her I didn't think we were a good match, paid for the meal and left.


Woah nerd dude....harsh....LOL !
Can't even imagine a girl is THAT bad...and a man would bail out w/o finishing dinner! WOW! Do tell.....
 magikarp
Joined: 9/7/2009
Msg: 23
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/29/2009 10:11:41 AM
I let the girl know pretty quick that I don't think it's going to work out. I don't like leading anybody on so I let them know asap.

Also, if I do like a girl, but she just doesn't feel it for me, her asking to be friends seems rather insulting. I'd rather her say it's not working for her and not talk to me ever again than offer to be friends. Just feels kind of like a slap in the face.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 24
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What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/29/2009 10:35:27 AM
You behave pleasantly, politely, honestly and you pay for yourself.
 Smileygal40
Joined: 2/2/2009
Msg: 25
What do we do when not attracted to our date?
Posted: 9/30/2009 12:30:29 PM
Just wanted to say "Thank you" to all whom responded to my posting. I truly appreciate some of the good advice.
I did mess up on that one and I do feel badly. I guess we learn as we go. He took a breather from talking for a moment and he then asked if I had had dinner and I hadn't so I agreed to get a bite to eat with him. I should have insisted on paying for half and didn't. It was certainly not a point though (when he asked me to get something to eat with him)where I would have felt comfortable telling him that I wasn't attracted to him. Should I have made up some excuse to leave at that point. I'm not a very good liar. Actually, I wouldn't even feel safe telling a man that I wasn't attracted or this isn't going to work for me romantically while still with any man I don't really know. I would be afraid of the reaction. I've had bad experiences in the past.
I had been talking to this man for quite some time on line before we met. I felt that we could certainly spend an evening as friends and was honestly hoping that once I did break it to him, he'd still want to be friends. I've had dates that have not been attracted to me and it feels kind of bad sometimes but if the chemistry isn't there physically, it simply isn't there. No one is at fault for that. We simply go on. I do have guy friends that are men I have dated and not felt attracted to romantically. Although, I have to say that none of the guys I have dated that felt no attraction to me have asked to continue a friendship. Maybe that goes back to Mars and Venus, who knows!
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