| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:13:11 PM | Ok, been with my GF for 5 months and it's going really well.
The issue I have is her ex, they have been apart for 3.5 years and he still has a key to the house, she says he needs it for when he picks their daughter up from school and he needs to get things like toys and clothes, he lives in the same area but has nothing for his daughter at his home. I discovered recently that when he picks up her and 2 others from school that he goes round to my GF's and sits with the kids there for 2/3 hours until the other parents have picked up and until my GF has come home from work.
I understand that he has an obligation to his daughter but when I divorced my kids would come to mine and I would have things here for them, I gave my key back on the day I moved out.
He still hold a candle for my GF as when she told him she'd met someone his response was "oh, so we're not getting back together then", he also tried to come on to her. He is bitter now that I'm in her life and I can imagine that he looks through stuff of ours when he's there (cards, gifts, clothes etc).
My GF is so sweet and we adore and love each other but she does have a small problem of just shrugging issues off with a smile as she does not like confrontation.
Thoughts please? | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:20:19 PM | I don't really see any signs of concern. Do you trust your girlfriend? If you do, there's no issue. If you don't, well, you've got bigger issues than her ex.
I totally understand why this situation would lead to some insecurity and jealousy, and my suggestion would be to just talk to your girlfriend about it. Let her help put your mind at ease. Beyond that, I might also recommend trying to build some sort of a relationship with the ex. As the father of her children, he's not going away any time soon...the more familiar he is with you, I think the more he'll be convinced that his ship has sailed and it's time for him to move on.
When dealing with him, I wouldn't acknowledge your own insecurity at all. The moment you say something like, "just remember, dude, she's my girlfriend" you'll tell him that he's potentially got an opening. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:25:24 PM | Hmmm......
It seems to me that with the current predicament clear boundaries were not set from the start. This is a legitimate concern that should have been addressed from the start by all parties involved.
It is undisputed that he has every right to see his daughter because he is her father. But the fact remains that if their relationship is truly over he needs to have stuff at his place for his child and it is not appropriate for him to be there with your GF by himself if it makes you uncomfortable.
But you my friend bear some measure of responsibility here. You need to make it well known to her that you are not comfortable with it and that an alternate arrangement needs to be made for him to spend time with his daughter. While he must be allowed to spend time with his child it must not cause a stress factor in your newly budding relationship. She may not like confrontation. But letting this go on as it is could lead to a five-alarm blowup. Be firm. Be fair. And let her know that this arrangement is not working. If she values your relationship she will take your concerns seriously.
Cheers. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:28:17 PM | That sounds like an ideal situation. He can bring his child to her home, come inside, let his daughet get settled and wait with her until the other parents show. Did you expect him to sit on the front curb? Did you expect him to sit outside and leave the children in the house?
Just because you did something one way doesn't make it right or other peoples choices wrong.
he lives in the same area but has nothing for his daughter at his home. How do you know? Have you been to his house?
I can imagine that he looks through stuff of ours when he's there How do you know? Have you seen him do that? | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:29:11 PM | | They have been apart for 3.5 years. You have nothing to worry about. Also, she may allow this to go on because if she didnt he might not see his daughter as much. Being a woman with kids, i'd probably put up with alot from an ex just for the kids benefit. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:30:08 PM | Thanks for your reply, I do trust her 100%, as for talking to him he's not the type to talk to anyone.
If she asked me to move in with her and become one family I wonder if he would still have a key and let himself in when he wants, I sometimes think he pops around when she's at work for a nosey...........nothing stopping him!
Over 3 years apart should he really have a key still? | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:30:21 PM | Collegejarhead
^ What he said!
Your concern is very valid and should be addressed with your GF... sooner than later.
Edit: Boundaries are CRITICAL and NECESSARY post divorce.. having nothing to do with parenting. So the ex doesn't have "things" for his daughter at his domicile or no place to go after he picks his daughter up after school ~ that's NOT your GF's issue. If he's incapable.. your GF should have a back up plan. I wouldn't attempt to warm up to this guy.. his comment about your relationship with his ex suggests he's using his daddy duties to stay injected into his ex wife's life. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:31:50 PM | ^^same reasons for why my ex had a key, Landra.
I do understand your concern, OP. It made a guy I was dating very nervous to know my ex had a key. He kept jumping every time he heard a noise.
But, at the end of the day, the arrangements your g/f has with the father of her children hasn't really much to do with you. Actually, it's none of your business. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:34:08 PM | Kind of a catch 22...I have no problem with him having a key for the daughters sake. I do have an issue with the fact that he has nothing at his house for the daughter and that he would watch someone else’s kids at his exes house when he lives in the area.
My ex has always had a key, he has never abused it, I think he has only had to use it once over the last couple of years when our youngest forgot hers and once when I was out of town to feed the cats. He always asks before stopping by and he always knocks.
I am not reading that this is a trust issue for you but more a invasion of space, which I do agree especially if he were looking through your stuff. I would talk with your girlfriend and let her know how you feel. Make it clear that he can have the key for emergency but that the daughter needs things or her own at his place or to have her stuff ready and packed by the door and that he needs to watch the other kids at his home (if the other parents are ok with this).
It doesn't need to be confrontational, good luck to you! | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:37:13 PM | My GF has told me he has nothing for his daughter at his home, not even coloring books and pens.
Also when he's been around cards and photos of us have fallen face down and magnetic letters spelling love messages have been jumbled....................must be the cats huh? | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:37:14 PM |
But the fact remains that if their relationship is truly over he needs to have stuff at his place for his child and it is not appropriate for him to be there with your GF by himself if it makes you uncomfortable.
You don't think the greater issue is that he feels uncomfortable?
I've seen a recurring theme on these boards where insecurities reign supreme and I think it's really unfortunate...in fact, I think I'll start a thread on it. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:45:26 PM | Dude, the clowns who say this is alright and cool are as dumb as Hussein Obama, Nancy
Pelosi, and Harry by-god Reid. He came on to her, right? And she's too much the wimp
to say, "Get Lost!"
I'm not sure you have the right girl friend, old son. Is she still doing him on the side? The world wonders. Gutless wonders ain't my cup of tea!
LJH | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:46:52 PM |
But, at the end of the day, the arrangements your g/f has with the father of her children hasn't really much to do with you. Actually, it's none of your business.
Actually, I hate to say it, but, I'll disagree with the "Actually, it's none of your business" part of this statement. While that's true, that technically it's "none of the OP's business" at this point? I dunno....seems like it's just been a convenient arrangement for both parties to date but, if I were in the OP's shoes, and hoping for a serious relationship with the person in question? I don't know how well such an arrangement would continue to fly with me, to be honest.
By that I mean...the OP mentioned his g/f's ex lives in the same neighbourhood...so, while still in the earlyish dating stages, this shouldn't be his business? I'd be very curious WHY this ex can't just pick up his daughter and whatever other children from school, and take them to HIS house to watch them until their parents come to pick them up, and keep his daughter on whatever set schedule has been arranged. To my mind, it would be 'six of one, half dozen the other' so why doesn't the ex just make arrangements with those other parents to come to his house, instead?
I do agree that, sometimes necessary arrangements need to be made, where children are concerned...but really, why can't this gal's ex buy his own child a few toys to keep at his place, for pete's sake? And, why need to entertain the other kids at her house, instead of his own?
Sure, in the beginning stages of a relationship, it's none of the OP's business. But I probably wouldn't agree to such an arrangement as the relationship progresses, and sure as hell wouldn't move in with someone eventually, whose ex still had a key. JMO. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:04:09 PM | Hmmm it seems its not been made clear if the OP actually lives there full time with his lady since he mentioned "goes through stuff of ours."
I disagree with ya on that one Rock especially if he is living there with his GF. If he shares a place with her and shares the bills he has as much a say as anyone as to what happens there and how things happen but like I said whether or not he lives with her wasnt made clear. Hmmmm.
And on another note I have to say that by my own personal preference if I am dating a woman and she completely disregards my feelings on a matter like that I would simply move on and possibly look to date someone else and quite possibly someone without kids and an ex who has to constantly be around and provide constant disruption to your life. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:11:07 PM | It's really her business, but you don't like it so that's something you have to consider. I would not want my ex in my house while I was gone, unless I invited him in, and if I thought someone was going through my stuff, they'd be out of their ass forever, I don't put up with that crap.
I find it very odd that the guy still doesn't have someplace to take his daughter where she has stuff to use and live when she's with him. That is total bullshit, complete and total bullshit. He has nothing for his child after 3.5 years? Either he's the biggest idiot ever or your girlfriend is dumb as dirt...or both.
I don't like dating people who are doormats, so I would leave her with her ex and their weird arrangement, but if you really want to be with her, this is part of the package. If you move in while he still has a key and total access whenever he wants, you get what you get. I really doubt your girlfriend is soooooo sweet that she just doesn't get it, I imagine she likes it as much as her ex does, over three years of it, it's a set pattern. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:13:11 PM | | If you don't live with this woman, I can't see how this can affect you, personally. It's an arrangement that, to this point, works for them. By all accounts, it seems that they are seeing to the interests of the child instead of the opposite as many self-centered, newly single parents sometimes do. If he just walks in when you're there without prior communication between the two of them, that's a different ball of wax. Frankly, you sound slightly insecure and likely have thoughts that they still have feelings for each other. With as much coming and going as he does, I'm sure if your g/f wanted to be with him, by this time she would be and you wouldn't. Don't create problems for yourself where there are none. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:17:37 PM | ^^ Nah, he doesn't live with her yet.
If she asked me to move in with her and become one family I wonder if he would still have a key and let himself in when he wants, I sometimes think he pops around when she's at work for a nosey...........nothing stopping him!
Over 3 years apart should he really have a key still?
OP, regardless of the undercurrents, the situation was set up this way when they split up and is now part of their, and their daughter's, normal routine. In my view, if it works for them, fine.
In my experience, when something changes in a situation, the entire balance shifts and needs to be examined to see if it still works. If and when your gf and you talk about living together, that's one of the changes that will likely happen. At that point it will also be your home and you will have a say in what you are comfortable with - balancing, I would hope, everyone's needs and deciding what is the best option for the daughter. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:18:08 PM | If he does live with his girl thats a problem. Especially when the ex has a fight with your lady and expresses himself by punching a hole in your new 50 inch flatscreen LMAO!!  | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:18:46 PM | This might seem like a silly question OP, but if you are in love with this gal and are jealous about her X having a key, why are you on a dating site looking for a long term relationship???? Ummmmm.. kettle..... meet ...... pot 
ok, I know what you will say.... oh, this is an old profile and I just logged on to start this thread?? right? lol | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:28:01 PM |
Over 3 years apart should he really have a key still?
I've been split from my ex for almost seven yrs...and guess what....he not only has a key to my house, but when he's not on the road he's welcome to spend weekends at my house to be with OUR children.
The man I do date is aware and could care less....why...cuz my ex and I are grown-ups, are still friends and co parent VERY well. I can understand how your feeling OP, but not everyone who split up can't remain friends. Thing is, if something happened to me, he'd need to get into my house----but more importantly I TRUST him, and if your gf trusts her ex, perhaps you'd do well to try to extend him the same courtesy.
I've always tried to give others the benefit of the doubt until which time they no longer deserve it. Regardless, good luck to you both. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:28:50 PM | The OP has genuine concerns, and I would expect his woman to be sensitive to that. If she blows him off and calls him insecure, then yeah, maybe that's where the adjustment needs to take place.
When I first met my wife, her ex-husband was living in an RV in the backyard. When we started getting serious (her and I!) I asked who that guy was, and he was gone within a week. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:30:03 PM | | I think at this point it really isn't your business. You have been with her 5 months. They have had this system in place working for the daughters sake for 3.5 years. This is a situation you have to ease into and take slowly. Push to hard and you'll be out the door. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 8/24/2009
Msg: 25 | |
| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:33:31 PM | Im just wondering OP... do YOU have a key?
Maybe thats part of the issue thats bothering you?
Ok, been with my GF for 5 months and it's going really well.
they have been apart for 3.5 years
And if you start making waves... it might not go so well... because another 3.5 yrs after you're gone... her and he will still be parenting their child amicably in whatever way works for them.
My ex had a key for about 8 years. We had our reasons.
He used to come STAY at my home every other weekend to be with the kids.
Only people who couldnt understand it where the ones who thought "there must be *something* going on"
Sometimes things are what they are... and there's nothing more to it.
I would have been unlikely to change that situation for someone who doesnt live with me whether he liked it or not. Would unfortunately just have to be a decision he'd accept.
Until/if or when you're actually asked to live in the house or propose marriage to a gal... your opinion may be noted... but not criteria as to what my ex and I do or do not do when we parent our kids
If he just walks in when you're there without prior communication between the two of them, that's a different ball of wax
Exactly.
He still hold a candle for my GF as when she told him she'd met someone his response was "oh, so we're not getting back together then", he also tried to come on to her
I do trust her 100%
And she obviously trusts him 100%
So DO trust her.
Dont let your ego get in the way.
If she knows he's still got feelings for her and they're working it out along the way... leave it be.
Who cares if the guy folds some photos down or mixes up the love messages ... sheesh just be glad he's not the type to go into a jealous fit of rage and she has to spend all her time running from him.
Let them find the way cos he's the child's father and will be around for a VERY long time.
You've got yourself in a situation which by all accounts could make the lot of you one of the success stories of divorce/new relationship/marriages without behaving like a pack of animals and treating each other like crap because thats what you're "supposed" to do in a relationship breakup.
Then you can start a thread telling everyone how you guys worked it out and all of you are happy.
Oh and PS.
This might seem like a silly question OP, but if you are in love with this gal and are jealous about her X having a key, why are you on a dating site looking for a long term relationship???? Ummmmm.. kettle..... meet ...... pot
ok, I know what you will say.... oh, this is an old profile and I just logged on to start this thread?? right? lol
If I were her... rather than worrying about whats going on with my ex...
...Id be more concerned about you
Whats going on is the reality of ex partners and parenting.
You're feeling insecure, warranted or not, its the situation you're in... and you're going to sabotage itself simply through your own bruised ego and stupidity. | |
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