| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 11:16:14 AM | Why is it that these days people think they have to be dishonest about themselves to actually get anywhere with someone? They either exaggerate, over-do or downright lie about what it is they're looking for. I met someone on here, (they shall of course remain nameless) the first week was amazing, we connected so well and seemed to have so much in common. Then after the first week it was all down hill. Everything it had seemed we had in common started to slip away, he became a walking contradiction of the man I first met and I was left feeling very much like he had only been putting on an act to get one thing from me. Stupidly on my own part I had rather fallen for the guy by then and waited around for the nicer version of him to reappear, which of course never happened.
What I don't understand is, why he couldn't have just been honest, not just with me but with other pof users. If you say on your profile you want something serious then act like that it's fairly obvious the kind of game your playing. But why not just say you're looking for a bit of fun, there are plenty of people on the site looking for the same thing and at least you don't risk hurting those people searching for something more.
I guess there are always going to be people like that in the world, I'm probably just sounding off my own frustrations at being let down. But c'mon people! Surely you can see that honesty is the best policy...you know it makes sense! | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 11:25:15 AM | Devil's Advocate here....
It has been a proven tactic that if all you want is a quick roll in the hay, dishonesty works wonderfully. Why mess with something that is not broken?
Asking these types of people to be honest is in direct conflict with their end goals. It is pointless to ask them to change and to be honest because they never will. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 11:25:58 AM | | Well said...people really have to be them selves and not pretend to be something that they are not. Also honesty is something that you can never regain. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 11:27:39 AM |
What I don't understand is, why he couldn't have just been honest,
Well let's put on our thinking caps and see if we can figure it out........
he had only been putting on an act to get one thing from me
The word "duh" comes to mind... | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 11:35:13 AM | In the real world...nobody thinks they are azzholes, jerks or biotches.
And...most days...I don't wake up in the morning and decide..."today...I'm going to be a complete azzhole".
They may actually believe their profile is genuine.
Who would list all of those less desirable traits on it.
*note to self for unique profile*
One week into a (really can't call it this...but) relationship...everyone puts their best foot forward. Each displays the very best in them. It should take months (if not more) to begin to see who each person really is.
You were fortunate to discover this in such a short time.
OR
SOME guys make sh1t up to get laid.
Life online...and in the real world. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 12:09:13 PM | As far as "honesty", how about getting some from you ladies. Especially those who 'claim' to believe in Equal-Rights - when they really mean "Equal-Rights ONLY if & when CONVENIENT"! Yes, I am somewhat angry/jaded/etc. - because of past experiances with women's hypocracy!! REMEMBER, Honesty IS a two-way street! Example: women who use their old college photos and 'claim' they are recent photos. Or those who go on dates only to get free dinners/entertainment with no intention whatsoever of developing a relationship.
The majority of ladies who complain about 'dishonest men' need to take a deep look into their own mirrors!
os. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 12:21:05 PM | | sometimes you cant be honest because she'll will say we're not compatible. some women dont like real men, they prefer the player who can say what they want to hear so they can be compatible. most of them on here are serial dater so we cant really be serious. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 12:35:10 PM |
Why is it that these days people think they have to be dishonest about themselves to actually get anywhere with someone?
I don't see any fingers being pointed by the OP...why the hostility? (and huge white space)
go on dates only to get free dinners/entertainment
Sing it brother...I am so sick of being used for a "hot beef combination". It's about time we stand up for our rights!
"I'm mad as hell....and I'm not gonna take it any more!"
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 5:15:28 PM | Sorry about the blank space - not very good typist and have clumsy fingers.
As for hostility; see the other posts and also the thread about "Why do women still expect men to pay for everything". | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 6:01:50 PM |
"Why do women still expect men to pay for everything".
Gee not all of us women,.. I am constantly confused with the men that do this griping about it when if they keep the dates inexpensive this problem wouldn't arrive. Since gold diggers aren't going to want to do a cup of coffee or a walk in the park or a day at the zoo.
Now directly on TOPIC...
Then after the first week it was all down hill.
Hmmm I see two things that could have happened here. One you slept with him and he wasn't into you anymore, or the honeymoon period wore off and well reality set in.
In RL it takes about 3 months for the honeymoon period to wear off and this is with the great chemistry...On line so much faster.
Stupidly on my own part I had rather fallen for the guy by then and waited
Wow, all in one week of meeting? Or did you fall for the written word and not the guy there is a big difference.
If you say on your profile you want something serious then act like that it's fairly obvious the kind of game your playing. But why not just say you're looking for a bit of fun, there are plenty of people on the site looking for the same thing and at least you don't risk hurting those people searching for something more.
Actually he very well might want something more just not with you, I also am going to state MHO here it sounds more like you wanted more and he didn't; in saying that doesn't a person have to take some responsbility for their actions and having their head in the sand.
I'm probably just sounding off my own frustrations at being let down
Yeah it sounds abit like that to me. We have all been there, I kind of believe when we are this angry at someone, deep down in all honesty we are more angry with ourselves than the other person.
Good luck hope it works out better next time. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 6:28:41 PM | Went on a date last night. The pic that she had up was over 5 years old. Told me it was"recent" ( CHEST &FACE only) She was44, told me she had been a high school cheerleader & was just a "few" pounds over weight, but was loosing. She was 5'5" & weighed about 200#. Ladies, let's be real 5'5" & 200# is MORE than a few lbs. If your waist is bigger than mine- I'm not interested!!! She then was pissed, that I did not compliment her on her looks!!! Ladies, please be honest about what u look like. I'm 55 & NOT blind!! SOOOOO, if U lie about the obvious- what about the other stuff that will come out.. We did go to dinner & she packed more in then me- then had the gaul to tell me she had been watching her diet- give me a break....JIM | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 7:05:13 PM | | Because few people can keep up appearances for more than a few months. Cracks appear and their true natures come shining through. That is why the 'soulmates' that have known each other for a month or two are so damn funny on here. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 9/29/2009 9:00:00 PM | “Why is it that these days people think they have to be dishonest about themselves to actually get anywhere with someone?”
Simply because people’s expectations are so insane on here that nobody can meet them. People feel the need to over sell themselves. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 10/3/2009 11:31:36 AM | It's funny, I've read through all the posts. Some very good ones here but yet my point remains. Why do people lie all the time to get what they want? Be it women or men, it's obvious from the posts that most of us experience it. The guy I dated may have simply lost interest after the first week of dating, but why not just tell me instead of continuing to date me? It scares me that people cannot see how much dishonesty can hurt people, confuse them and leave them feeling used. Even if you do not find a person worthy of your affections or your love, all people no matter who they are, are worthy of honesty and respect.
What really is so wrong with being open about how you feel and what you're looking for? Some people here have harped on about the 'real world', as though they are happy to simply accept that sort of behaviour as another part of life. As if treating people that way is as common place as saying good morning and that we're all just supposed to learn to live with it. Doesn't anyone out there actually wish we could restore a little decency to our society? Or should we all just sit here and turn a blind eye to the gradual degredation of morals and good manners? Do we really have that little respect left for ourselves? | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 10/3/2009 11:33:38 AM | Honesty gets you courtside seats to your own CRUCIFICTION.
Granted if you have any self respect and integrity you won't get into a relationship with someone who obviously isn't going to be a positive influence in your life.
But just like with buying a car you have to take it for a test drive and see if it will be what you really want.
Sadly you can have amazing chemistry, wonderful honest conversations, and intense physical attraction only to be dissapointed with their performance in bed or values in life and then it's a wrap.
Yes men do want ONE thing, it's the ONE. If you are not it then something is wrong with how you judge wether a man is worthy of your affections.
If you fell for the game it's because you wanted to believe something that he had not proven, much like UFO's and Sasquatch we all want to believe it exists but until there is proof you are not going to run around accepting it as a fact. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 10/3/2009 11:33:58 AM | | Yes sadly so many lie. Why?? Guess if as some say it gets them what they want then they think its ok. I think often they are the sad ones, if they have to lie to get what they want then obviously they are lacking something.......charisma! So they are the ones with the inadequacies. And whilst we are on the subject, since when did dating mean just meeting for a role in the hay!! Surely thats intimate encounter? | |
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PiggyT
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Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 17 | |
| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 10/3/2009 11:34:44 AM | the question is... did you sleep with him? If you did, then he is what we call a player. He acted a certain way to get what he wanted. Once he got what he wanted, he felt he no longer needed to play the game.
Never sleep with a man too fast! | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 10/3/2009 11:35:12 AM | | really its not that the expectations on here are so high its that there is so much damn competition everywhere you go......... and in order to find anyone online you have to make yourself look better than the other people on here.......... in some cases that means dishonesty.......... but think about it for a minute......... dont you think that as flawed as humans are the truth wont come out eventually......... im not saying its ok to be dishonest im just saying that no matter how you choose to tell your story at the moment it doesnt matter in the long run because it all comes out in the end........ sometimes bad sometimes good......... but that is the kind of decision every person has to make........... and you can tell what type of person by the decisions they make....... so if you are a good judge of character then honesty is irrelevant because you'll be able to cut through all of the crap and know whether that person is real or fake...... there is my two cents take for what its worth....... | |
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| honestly, hun
Posted: 10/3/2009 11:45:01 AM | When a "playa" wants to hook up with a skank, he goes and hooks up with a skank, ends up contracting communicable disease and promptly learns it is better with the good girls.
Throuble is they're good girls and behave as such. So to score he has to either turn into a good guy or pretend to be one.
And changing yourself is an arduous process...
Now you know.
Accept it.
Learn from it.
Take it upon yourself to test potential suitors better.
:-)
Best of luck. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 10/3/2009 12:05:47 PM | I agree it would be a much better world if people posted recent and honest photos and even said in honesty that they want a fling or they want the real deal, or even they aren't sure what they want and would more just want to date around until someone clicks so well that they would commit.
I think it would also be a better world if men and women just were honest...even if it hurts. Tell that man who emailed you that you're not into bald guys, or you want someone better looking or taller. Tell that woman who emailed you that you don't want single moms and/or you want someone slimmer who didn't chop their hair short.
Why do people lie on their profiles? The answer is that they want RESULTS more than an ideal match. The man looking to get laid might just decide that these women don't mean much to him and he can easily hide at home when one gets mad, so he'll lie as much as he needs to in order to get a date with the hot girl who's rejecting everyone, or even lay a woman by making her think he's in it for the long term.
Women lie too...mostly on their photos and other factors they know will become the red flags many men run from. It's a sad state of affairs and it's why many ideal people leave online dating and speak so poorly of it.
My only advice to men or women who meet liars on this site is to first be honest with yourself. Were you so hoping that he would be tall, wealthy, and handsome that you looked past a couple of obvious falsehoods? Were you so infatuated with the idea of a trophy girl or a girl that's out of your league that you would put up with her flaky behavior?
Second...take your time, even if he/she isn't wanting to. If they leave, then so be it, but don't let yourself get trapped into sleeping with someone quickly because you're afraid he/she will leave. Don't be out there spending loads of money on someone thinking that he/she will stick around. If you believe this person is looking for reasons to leave, then let them go. If you believe this person is lying, then call them out on it or hold off on the one thing you know they want and see when the lies come out.
You will never know a person is honest or not right off the bat. You can't tell from profiles or emails. You have to unfortunately invest a little time into them with one or a few dates, and then see who they really are. Also you need to be strong enough to walk away when you know this person isn't who they made themselves out to be. Biggest problem I see especially with women is they'll give 1000 chances to a liar because they're obsessively clinging on to that fantasy he portrayed himself as early on...when all he shows now is his real self. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 10/3/2009 11:35:43 PM |
Do we really have that little respect left for ourselves?
OP I believe SOME people are lacking respect for themselves. I don't believe it is all humanity.
You state in this post
Why do people lie all the time to get what they want?
Only some do, in my experience most don't. The trick I guess online is to proceed with caution. Ask questions look for the person to be consistent, take things slowly whether it is in real life or online.
I think I have formed my opinion about people jumping head first from the forums. I can tell you are hurting and yet I have to stand my opinion in my previous post.
My advice grab some great ice cream eat from the container, watch a great movie, then hit the gym the next day and sweat him out of your system.
Good luck | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 10/4/2009 5:05:37 AM | | Honesty is always the best choice in the long-run. But people fear the truth. They don't want to face reality at an early stage. Profiles are bull*shit and most people know it. But you can delude and convince yourself and live in a fantasy. When reality unfolds, that's when "they" start looking for excuses to walk away. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 10/4/2009 5:56:08 AM | to much thought/effort but I can identify with your frustration. We all encounter this type of behavior in all communities of our lives. The answer very simple.
People lie, deceive or tell miss guided stories or what ever u want to call for 1 reason and one reason only.....
for they perceive that if they tell the truth, be open and honest in communication they won't get what they want!
It is rudimentary, it can all be traced to childhood and subsequently birth. Think of that little boy/girl who gets their hand caught in the cookie jar and when ask "did u eat those cookies" they will, and we all did reply instantaneously "no not me". Remember how in a blink of an eye it just came out of your mouth. It is instant fear that you will never get another cookie out of that jar again.
Simply put it is a distinction of being human. It is a normal way of being, young or old be it cookies, relationship or a job.
Hence why we refer to what we are.....human beings.
The next step up is the real challenge, not the blah blah blahs of why, but how can I ?
PWM | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 10/4/2009 6:44:46 AM | They lie because they feel what they have to offer isn’t enough.
They lie because they want what you have and know that to get it, they will have to lie because what they have isn’t enough.
They lie because they are very insecure and wish they were something or someone else.
And last but not least, some are just compulsive liars.
I went into this assuming that by the time folks got to my age that they've had enough of the game, to my surprise, I found out they only got better at it while complaining that everyone else lies. So far in my experience in the online world, it’s about 20% who aren’t lying about something major. I guess it’s the nature of the beast and you learn to be a bit more of a detective in the beginning now and my questioning gets more creative. | |
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| What's so wrong with being honest?
Posted: 10/4/2009 7:00:38 AM | Well, the other side of the coin is, if you are honest about things, you get nothing.
Let me explain. I feel I am very honest about not really wanting a relationship, just friendship, and don't have nothing against FWB, or NSA sex.
Every time I explain this to a woman, she says "It's OK, we can be friends, hang out, some say, without the sex part. Witch is OK with me. Than what happens?
The calls/letters just stop, we don't get to hang out, be friends.
So, yeah, what is wrong with being honest, ladies??
Sometimes I feel like I could have a little playtime with her, if I would play my cards right. Course that's not me, I can't be like that, and I don't care who believes me.
There is another thread about a women complains that her male friend doesn't want relationship, just some booty, he has been upfront about it, not playing her, yet he still comes out as a bad guy. Again, what's so wrong with being honest? | |
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