| When you shouldn't dig for the truth.
Posted: 9/29/2009 1:03:22 PM | Hi All
First post on these forums, so hello 
Thought I'd share an experience with you guys that has happened to me this week.
I recently dated a girl for 6 weeks, we worked together for 8 years and it's fair to say we've always been friends. Both of us have been married and recently for the first time we both found ourselves single and decided to hook up.
Initially we decided we would just play it cool and casual, she had kids and had been in an unloving relationship and didn't want serious , I was just looking for a bit fun. All started out fine, we would arrange to meet up when she could get a babysitter and we had fun. However things started to get confusing, she started giving a lot of mixed messages, sometimes she wanted to be showered with affection, other times I was too serious and emotional and she made me feel confused and needy. When I would slow things down a bit she would text me to come over or go out on a date, I duly obliged and we always had good fun. We would also talk about plans for the future, cities we wanted to visit for a weekend away, going camping, taking up salsa classes etc....
During the last week we were together everything seemed good and she suggested I take a day off work on Friday so we could take out her youngest child to the play park and for a walk, I was hesitant at first but foolishly I believed she wanted to integrate me into the kids life and we were at last getting our sh!t together. The day went well and I felt honoured to be included in a family thing, I felt that we had stepped up a notch, I was particularly happy as we had planned a weekend away the following day and she was really excited about it.
Things started to go wrong a couple of hours after we had left the play park, she said she would text me within a few hours and didn't, I gave her to the early Friday evening and texted her as I needed to know what time to pick her up on the Saturday, she texted back saying she wasn't sure if she could go anymore as she didn't have enough money, I had had a few beers so wasn't in the most tactile of moods and was like "what and you're telling me the night before with everything booked!" We pretty much fell out by text. Over the weekend I heard hardly anything from her, the texts were very formal from her. I eventually met up with her on Sunday after texting to talk in person. I turned up expecting to buy us both lunch and kiss and make up, she blindsighted me and ended it saying she rushed into things, wasn't ready to have a man in her life and wanted to be single blah blah.
I felt used and betrayed, she had been sending out mixed emotions and messages for weeks and I got suckered into thinking we were going somewhere. I'm knew when we were together that she was into me, the way she would hold me, kiss me and play with my hair so I didn't get it, I couldn't understand how the same girl who was excited about going away with me suddenly wanted to end things??
I reluctantly accepted her decision, nothing added up but whatever the reason she didn't want to be with me so what was the point begging her to reconsider? We worked together too so I thought a huge blowout would not only cause workplace problems but embarrass me.
I couldn't believe the money I had spent, the time and effort I put into a relationship I thought was working and it was for nothing, but I had to respect her decision.
Today I did something naughty, she had been off on the sick for a few weeks prior so I had her email password incase of urgent queries. Curious to know what she had been emailing people since we broke up I discovered she had been in touch with an old flame in New Zealand (I'm in the UK) for some time, it appears all throughout our relationship they have been rekindling their love towards each other by email, text and phone calls and I could analyse the bad times we had to when he was promising her so much and saying how much he missed her and was going to return to the UK to be with her. In an email yesterday they joked about me getting "canned" by her, it all seemed to be one big laugh to them. My blood boiled as I considered how a friend I had worked with for 8 years could do this to me.
I now wish I hadn't of read her emails, I was going to give friendship with her a genuine chance after we had split up but now I know this I'm gutted and feel stupid, how can you be friends with someone you trusted?
Sometimes not knowing the whole truth is better.
Thanks for reading. | |
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| When you shouldn't dig for the truth.
Posted: 9/29/2009 1:13:27 PM |
Initially we decided we would just play it cool and casual, she had kids and had been in an unloving relationship and didn't want serious SIX WEEKS later, she still felt the same about you. | |
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| When you shouldn't dig for the truth.
Posted: 9/29/2009 1:13:36 PM | You know you're going to get flamed for reading her emails. Shouldn't have done that.
You would have been better off not knowing what was going on behind your back.
Having said that...........yeah, it sucks being played for the fool.
You are not friends with this girl.
Move along, chalk it up to experience, and resist gloating when her relationship with her "ex" never materializes and she starts making overtures to you again. | |
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| When you shouldn't dig for the truth.
Posted: 9/29/2009 3:17:25 PM | Yeah I have conflicting feelings, on one hand I know this person is not the friend I thought and on the other hand its disheartening to feel the loss of a relationship and a friend. I dunno.
And to the previous poster, yes it was only 6 weeks but I let my defenses down as I had known her for 8 years, I felt as if it was longer than 6 weeks on that premise, but now I know it was foolish to do so.
Thanks for the opinions anyway guys. | |
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| When you shouldn't dig for the truth.
Posted: 9/29/2009 3:38:03 PM | | She's a skank, but you're a guy that did something wrong, so her skankiness is irrelevant. Or at least many people (mostly women) are going to seem that way. | |
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| When you shouldn't dig for the truth.
Posted: 9/29/2009 3:43:24 PM | I once had a mutual friend of my ex wife and me TELL me to get a keystroke program to see what my wife was up too. He would not tell me why. Well, you better be prepared for some heavy stuff if you ever spy on your mate in such a way. I had trusted her until this guy clued me in. I'm good with computers so I had her password in no time. In her trash bin I found the smoking gun. She was talking dirty, trading XXX pictures with a man out of state as she painted me out to be a monster. We had only been married about 10 months and already she was doing me this way. It only got worse after that, and the marriage lasted 3 years which is longer than it should of had- but I'm the type that tries to make a relationship last no matter what, but it only prolonged the agony.
I had another girlfriend give me her password and often tell me she had nothing to hide. I never doubted her. So one day I was off work and she was gone I noticed evidence of a zombie-computer virus. I had to check out emails to see if the computer was sending out email without our knowledge. I never meant to pry, and she had often gave me her password and I never looked but that one time. Before I knew it I was reading about some guy she had sex with in a hotel and she was going off on him because she found out he was married....... Well chalk up #2 times I peeked into my gal's email and found strong evidence of lies and misconception in a most unfaithful way. Two different women, one was my wife one was a live in girlfriend. Both times I found emails that all but ended each relationship- even though I tried to make each relationship last as long as possible, but there was no way it was meant to last.
So anytime we spy via computer on our mates/friends we should only do so if we strongly feel we have been done wrong and need the answer, or otherwise have good evidence that were being cheating on etc... AND always be prepared to read stuff about yourself from your loved one that you never ever thought you would learn. It can be a most shocking experience. I generally do not wish to spy on anyone. It has to be an accident, or I have to have very good reason to do so. The pain of reading such emails can really stab you in the heart. | |
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| When you shouldn't dig for the truth.
Posted: 9/29/2009 3:45:39 PM | | OP, you're suspicions were obviously dead on. That's why you read the email. I have no problem with that. Everyone has the right to be informed and protect themselves from skanks like this. Count yourself lucky that you found out what a douche bag she really is. Good riddance to a "supposed" friend. | |
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| When you shouldn't dig for the truth.
Posted: 9/29/2009 7:46:21 PM | Oh Jammer.......(see message 7)
I understand how you feel! My ex did the same crap. - But only in a different way.
He initially told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted out. Well, by this time, I suspected he was screwing around behind my back. Although he denied it and STILL to this day denies it.
Well.....to make a very, very long story short, about 3 months after he moved out, I was clearing out some things in the computer desk drawer and found the password to his email......sure enough, I found the smoking gun. - and LOTS AND LOTS OF IT! Explicit pictures and descriptions and VERY graphic details of what they did in various places. - a hotel room, her place, her parent's place etc.
Needless to say, printed them off, have them hidden away someplace safe, and yes, my attorney has these as well. So if he gives me any shit, I can use those as leverage against him. Because of the field he is in, I am sure he wouldn't want these aired on the public record! - As we all know, court dockets ARE a matter of public record.
He THINKS I don't know anything.......think again. I KNOW the whole truth so help me God. | |
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| When you shouldn't dig for the truth.
Posted: 9/29/2009 10:04:31 PM | Tragic stories.
I think as a matter of official policy to me, I'm going to become more realistic and as a matter of policy, no matter how much I tell myself I trust the woman, any serious relationship from now on I will keep her monitored for discretions in her fidelity. If I get engaged again, I guess my mind is changed and a pre-nuptual will be necessary.
It's a sad state of how things are. I'll have no regrets. | |
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| When you shouldn't dig for the truth.
Posted: 9/30/2009 12:14:50 AM | Thanks all for the replies, I've come to the conclusion that what i did wasn't very nice but it was something that I'm glad I did, I've perhaps lost a friend and any possible reconciliation in the future through not knowing but I can save myself any further embarrassment and heartache down the line.
I'll never tell her what I read, there is no point really. My biggest challenge now is that I don't use her password to keep on reading and torturing myself. | |
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| When you shouldn't dig for the truth.
Posted: 9/30/2009 11:40:29 AM | | You were a rebound my friend. It's a shame that things like this happen to a person, but you have to play the hand that life deals you. Someone out there will treat you with respect instead of lying and betraying your trust. | |
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