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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/29/2009 11:49:39 PM | | Why do women always put bachelors down? Do you really think it's easy to find someone, fall in love, and get married? Some guys sincerely want that, but it just doesn't happen to everyone. So why do you always put us down? | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 1:15:52 AM | Did you ever consider that it sends a message about you?
What have you been doing for the almost 40 years that you've been an adult? (18 to 57) To women, this sounds like you could not give up playing the field. 40 years of being afraid of commitment. 40 years of casual dating. Possibly 40 years of one-night-stand and using people. Viewing women as conquests.
OR, you have unrealistic standards. That commonly makes it hard for someone to find someone. Just look at your profile right now. You are 57 and looking for someone 40 to 52. Huh???? Someone 40 is 17 years younger than you, young enough to be your daughter. How realistic is that?
And, you are discrimating against women your age and 5 years younger. If YOU don't like your age, WHY should a 40 yr old woman? If you aren't attracted to old, why would you expect other people to be???? | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 1:47:15 AM | Let me run off, get fat, and have six kids and five divorces so I'll be 'acceptable'.
Uh, no thanks. People will always find reasons to discriminate. Some will like you for who you are, some won't. Don't waste too much time with the latter. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 6:27:16 AM | | I always said 'if a man reaches the age of 40 and has never been married, or is divorced, there's probably a good reason.' Truth of the matter is, most men who reach a certain age never having been in a long term relationship for one or more reasons; they're commitment phobic, they have unrealistic expectations, or they are utterly unacceptable as a partner - for whatever reason. And if none of those apply - they are probably so set in their ways, they could never incorporate a partner into their day to day life. So as a rule, I would not think a confirmed bachelor woud make for a good ltr. There are exceptions to every rule, of course, but you'd have to address each of those issues - convincingly. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 7:52:42 AM | | To 16madison and justwanttoknow: that's all bs. Just because you may have found it easy to get into relationships and fall in love, you think it should be just the same for everybody else? I don't give a crap how long we've been on this earth or what we've been doing, there are no guarantees you'll meet that someone special...no guarantees at all. There are always things we can do to increase our chances, but there are no guarantees. I know lots of outgoing people who have never been married and and I can definitely tell you that they want to be. People who find it so easy and see the same with all of their friends live in a very narrow world. They don't realize that for a small percentage of people, things just don't happen, for whatever reason. Luckily I surround myself with people who don't think as you do. Commitment phobia,....ha, ha..not a chance. I LONG for commitment. Unrealistic expectations..uh, uh. I've been so attracted to some women (very close to my age, by the way), but they are not attracted to me. Getting married and falling in love can be very hard for some. You just don't live in a world where you see people struggle in this department so you put them down. Shame... | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 8:57:08 AM | Well, at least there's no double standard! It's also a stigma to be an unattached woman over the age of *anything*--only *we* get to be called spinsters! Later, we get to be called crones! Yay, me!
At least no one thinks I'm a virgin just because I'm not married. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 10:26:29 AM | 16madison,
(18 to 57) To women, this sounds like you could not give up playing the field. 40 years of being afraid of commitment. 40 years of casual dating. Possibly 40 years of one-night-stand and using people. Viewing women as conquests.
First, you're going WAY too far on him. Because he's a bachelor at 57 doesn't mean he was playing the field (picky or non-picky). In his profile, he hasn't been married. Does that mean he hasn't had an LTR? That would be a VERY hasty claim. And since when does someone being single for too long mean they're USING people or viewing others as conquests??
You are 57 and looking for someone 40 to 52. Huh???? Someone 40 is 17 years younger than you, young enough to be your daughter. How realistic is that?
Actually, more realistic than you think. He's 57. He's not looking for a nice young 30 or 35 year old woman. PLUS, 40 means he's not allowing anyone under 40 to even message him for flattery. And yes, same with women who are more than 5 years younger. He wants a woman who's younger than he is -- it's actually quite common, as some in-shape 45 women will look for guys 28-42. It's called being honest. I don't think he's expecting 40 year old women to come flocking to him -- I think he'd probably expect a woman in her mid to later 40's, realistically, while he's in his later 50s.
With that said, though, I will say that him being 57, no kids, never married requires a lot of explaining. I'm not as harsh as you about the stuff, but in a nutshell, it means that he LIKELY has some issues about being in or finding a relationship, emotional issues not hardly wanting to be on the market, or has a habit of making some real bad relationship choices in which he (thankfully) didn't choose to go down the aisle with.
It's not a good thing. I mean, I'm 32, and never married. In 25 years if it's the same situation? I would not complain at all if a woman raised an eyebrow about me never been married right off the bat... it would be expected.
Of course, which is better? Someone who ends up being in a bad 15-year marriage, baggage, etc etc, or someone who dodged that bad situation and has been not married for 20 years?
I think the best indicator is -- have you been in any LTRs? Have you ever gone through lo ng periods of time putting focus on an LTR-worthy woman, or not? If so, what has prevented/stopped you? Personally, I'd rather have been unmarried at 57, rather than having gone thru 2 divorces, kids on either side, and a mess. Both can be indicators of issues had -- but I'd take the first situation in a hearbeat. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 11:00:52 AM | | Laktor - I think some women will assume what the other posters above said - and "traditionally" I think it held more truth - that you were loath to give up the single life, or had commitment issues. I don't think, in a one-on-one situation, that it would be such an issue as it might appear in an online profile - because a woman could in person get a sense of you, and learn more of your history. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 11:24:15 AM | I am not sure if this question applies to any particular age group.
Women like a challenge. If a guy comes on too strong, he risks coming off as desperate. On the other hand, if he plays hard to get, he may drive her a little crazy, but at least he keeps her attention :)
It is definitely NOT easy to find a compatible partner. Some women want an average guy, others want somebody unique. Religion and financial status are pretty solid roadblocks as well.
Despite the empirical impression that women always put down bachelors, there are always exceptions. The irony is that once you find that rare exception, the others usually change their impression from noticing all of the bad things about you to noticing your finer qualities. By then, it is too late (unless you steep low enough to sacrifice what you have going for you in order to give them a second chance). | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 11:37:15 AM | unwillingness to marry is not the same as unwillingness to commit. some people see no reason to involve governments, churches and assorted authoritarian busybodies in the most private aspects of their lives - their relationships.
i've been in an LTR. i've never proposed marriage to anyone. no one has every proposed marriage to me. so what?
Despite the empirical impression that women always put down bachelors, there are always exceptions.
and i'm willing to bet lots of them are among the many, many attractive women in their 30s and 40s who've never been married. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 11:37:27 AM |
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Simple: an older bachelor doesn't/hasn't "put out" in the way women want.
It's like how fifty years ago some women were called "frigid". Exact same thing. An attempt to browbeat somebody into doing something.
Do you really think it's easy to find someone, fall in love, and get married?
This usually isn't about thinking, or being empathetic, or anything else other than what they think is in their interest. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 1:44:01 PM | OP, when people want to know what you've been doing all your adult life, why you've never had any long-term relationships, etc, etc, what they are really asking is: why weren't you willing to "settle"?
Finding a partner is always easy to talk about, especially when it's someone else's life that's being critiqued. None of us really know what our neighbor has actually experienced in his life, but we're always ready to pass judgment or crack a few jokes at his expense. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 3:17:59 PM |
Did you ever consider that it sends a message about you?
What have you been doing for the almost 40 years that you've been an adult? (18 to 57) To women, this sounds like you could not give up playing the field. 40 years of being afraid of commitment. 40 years of casual dating. Possibly 40 years of one-night-stand and using people. Viewing women as conquests.
OR, you have unrealistic standards. That commonly makes it hard for someone to find someone. Just look at your profile right now. You are 57 and looking for someone 40 to 52. Huh???? Someone 40 is 17 years younger than you, young enough to be your daughter. How realistic is that?
And, you are discrimating against women your age and 5 years younger. If YOU don't like your age, WHY should a 40 yr old woman? If you aren't attracted to old, why would you expect other people to be????
16madison NAILED IT!
Almost 60 and no kids and never been married? I can't help but think something might be wrong with you. And you don't even want women you own age, but the ones who are old enough to be your daughter. Are you prepared to a shuga daddy? Because that's all you offer to young(er) women. I seen lots of mature women off this site looking for love in their age range - who are more appreciated by younger men because yall olsters wanna date young hot chicks. But when you are old and gray and the young hot chicks want young hot men - then you'll be looking for women your own age to settle down with because they are the only ones who will want you - but they too will wonder why you haven't gotten married or had kids and think you're odd and that will be a turnoff to them.
You need to run off to Africa, the middle east or India where they are still marrying 14 year old off to 50 year old men because they are more established. That shit is looked down upon and won't fly in most western countries.
Let me run off, get fat, and have six kids and five divorces so I'll be 'acceptable'. Acceptable to whom? It's not about acceptance it's about living your life. I do believe that it is better to have loved (and married and had kids and all that if that's what you want) than to never have loved (or married or had kids or whatever) at all. Those that want that are really missing out if they have never experienced it - no matter how it ended (divorced or whatever).
Look at where this guy is? Yeah he saved himself a ton of trouble with women and kids that people in the Single Parent subforum is lamenting about. But now he's on here lamenting about why (younger) people don't want old-ass batchlors.
This is the life he chose - why complain about it and THEN put it off on other people that it is their fault that he's old, childless, and single? OP, you chose this life obviously. So like the single parents who now have to deal with their fates and issues - so you have to deal with yours.
People will always find reasons to discriminate. Some will like you for who you are, some won't. Don't waste too much time with the latter. Aye that 
And in Wiccan - Crone means (a mature lady with) wisdom. A sage. I personally don't like the word 'crone' and its implications, but I thought that might be something worth knowing. I prefer the word 'sage' myself. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 3:28:30 PM | Have you at least had a handfasting? If not, look into that.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handfasting
That's something I might can get into in the future.
aliiight, aliighhht. I concede that 40+ is not considered 'young and hot.' That's all. Sorry. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 4:17:23 PM | I'm just wondering - not that there's anything wrong with it - but why is this post here instead of of the 45+ subforum?
Me thinks the OP is trying to avail himself to this age group?
Just wondering. Carry on. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 5:47:40 PM | So the whole point of miraculus creation of the human soul is to get married and have kids? Peculiar then that most of the celebrated authors, artists, composers, scientists and inventers were never married, never had kids. Odd that all the religions value chastity and several have devoted sects of monks, priests, nuns living in celibacy.
Apparently it is better to have had a divorce (or two) and kids out of tradition than never to have been married and not to have added to the world population.
You keep embracing your generalizations, I will pass you by as well. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 6:03:54 PM | | Never said it was 'better' - only that is what is expected. That it seems to be the norm. If you haven't done that when most of the word population has done one, the other, or both - then you wonder why and you will get questioned on it - especially by those who have already done it prior to the OP's age. Most try to do that in their youth because the older you get the harder it seems to married and to have children - if that is something that one desires. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 8:56:44 PM |
With that said, though, I will say that him being 57, no kids, never married requires a lot of explaining. I'm not as harsh as you about the stuff, but in a nutshell, it means that he LIKELY has some issues about being in or finding a relationship, emotional issues not hardly wanting to be on the market, or has a habit of making some real bad relationship choices in which he (thankfully) didn't choose to go down the aisle with.
Thanks, Confident-Realist, for attempting to defend me. I appreciate your comments. And with the above quote, you're absolutely right. Most women will definitely think it's strange. I started out very shy in my teens and it continued well into my 20's, although I did land a few dates. However, being shy, I wasn't very outgoing while on dates, so I screwed up possible LTR's, and I was definitely interested in them with some of these girls I went out with. Still, I've never found it easy to meet unattached women. My problem with meeting women now is my current status, never married, I'm not wealthy, I don't own my own home (I rent), I work shift hours (not 9 to 5). All of these factors figure negatively when it comes to women looking for a man my age, so it's difficult for me. The past is the past and is something I can't change. I've not had the opportunity to marry, and I would not marry someone unless I was in love with her and she felt the same about me and that combination has not occurred. I've been in love, but it wasn't returned and vice versa. And no, I've never had a one night stand. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 9:56:37 PM | | Why is the people who are always bashing, dont have any pictures or information about themself? What have they done? What have they experienced? Sounds like they are just dodging their own issues and unfulfilling life by hiding behind someone else's problems and showcasing them. A lot of presumptuous comments being posted. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 11:26:55 PM | Though I've endured my share of put downs from women, the nature of their criticisms have yet to concern my bachelorhood. For so long as I can remember, I've dreamed that I would one day meet the most beautiful woman, and that we would spend our whole lives together. Now, approaching my thirties, the chances of that dream ever coming true seems ever more remote with each passing day. The dream has become little more than a chapter of a tragedy yet to be written, and just mere memories of an alter ego that will soon likely fade from existence if it's details are not recorded; a story of a lonely, prodigious soul who never came to know true love.
Still, in many ways, I feel that I've dodged a bullet by not pursuing the path of marital bliss and conversely, quite likely spared some really nice ladies a lifetime of agonizing over my less than consistent approach to my lifestyle.
Here is my imagined scenario had I gotten married five years ago:
Three years into our marriage, and it's the height of the real estate bubble. I have a good job selling junk paper to naive young investors, and she's a fitness instructor. Life seems to be a pretty sweet fruit, as we sit discussing esoteric matters from our vista view of city from our rented balcony, perched high above our relatively quiet and well established neighborhood, our own temporary sliver of the downtown.
She suddenly decides we need to buy a sickeningly overpriced piece of real estate because all her friends at work are getting into the market before they're "priced out". We'd better commit ourselves NOW to getting in on the action, and mortgage the next twenty to forty years of our life paying for some quarter million dollar bungalow. I reluctantly agree, and the following year, my hours are cut by a third, we can't afford a bus pass after paying the heat, and she decides to leave me for Mr. tall dark and handsome while I'm left with some leaky overpriced shack in a neighborhood I despise.
My reality: I live alone in a reasonably priced apartment in a city I've grown to love, have a crumby job that barely affords my habits, and feel miserable about my circumstances most of the time, and have devoted myself to artistic pursuits and personal growth instead of a mortgage and an RESP. It's not perfect, but who knows, I'm free from debt slavery, and things can only get better in the world of relationships. Until then, I hope to meet some nice free-wheeling women up for a good time! | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 12:43:33 AM | AndyWarhol, bullshit. Truth is, that's all conjecture.
You have no idea of the type of woman you would have married or what she would have been like.
You wanted to get married and have a family. You didn't or you haven't yet. So you surmise that you never will and came up with some negative story that sounds good to you about what would have happened if you had married.
In the same way that you made up a bad story, you could just as easily have imagined a good one.
But you ain't 30 yet so you're not yet near the problems of the OP.
You haven't dodge a bullet if you still wish and wait for it to hit you; and then get disappointed and resign yourself to a less-than-ideal alternate fate because it hasn't hit you.
Reminds me a short story. I tried to get an apple off the tree. I really wanted that apple. I couldn't get it. I tried to knock it down with a stick. I got a ladder and still couldn't reach it. So I got mad and cursed that dam apple and said I didn't want anyway. It might be rotten. Probably got worms. Probably would have made sick.
But the truth was - I still wanted that dam apple. And when I couldn't have it, I had to think that there was something wrong with it to make me feel better about not being able to have it.
Human nature is so dam predictable. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 1:05:04 AM |
Actually, more realistic than you think. He's 57. He's not looking for a nice young 30 or 35 year old woman. PLUS, 40 means he's not allowing anyone under 40 to even message him for flattery. And yes, same with women who are more than 5 years younger. He wants a woman who's younger than he is -- it's actually quite common, as some in-shape 45 women will look for guys 28-42. It's called being honest. I don't think he's expecting 40 year old women to come flocking to him -- I think he'd probably expect a woman in her mid to later 40's, realistically, while he's in his later 50s.
Excuse me? You mention in-shape women look for younger guys.... hello, this guy isn't in shape. He actually looks to me like a guy in his 60's.
You call it being honest, I call it being unrealistic. Just because you want something, doesn't mean that it's likely.
I work with women in their 40's, have some relatives, etc.. and none of them are looking for a guy pushing 60. Especially not one that looks worse for his age. They would rather be alone than end up a free nurse for someone that could be their father. Most of them still have their own Dad still alive to look out for.
He mentions that he doesn't even have a house. ??? I know people of all age groups that manage to get a house. 20's , 30's, 40's, 50's. Even if you don't make a lot, you can buy something small and make payments. SO, again, what has he been doing?
So, he claims to not like the stigma, and he claims that he has wanted a relationship, but then puts out the perv line, looking for 20 years younger. I don't believe his comments about women his age for one minute, or why specifically BLOCK them? Why limit his potential contacts? Unrealistic expectations. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 3:52:54 AM | That is ridiculous! There are so many plausible reasons why someone may not be in a relationship (e.g., career, life changes/difficulties) it doesn't always mean something is wrong with them!
Also, you're assuming that he's never been in a long term relationship - where did you get that from? Just because someone is single, at any age, does not mean they've never had a relationship it just means they're not in one at the moment.
I'm more apt to say that stigma's, stereotypes, shitty people and hurt people are the reasons most people are single as they get older. It's hard to break down the barriers we put up to protect ourselves as we age and attitudes such as yours definitely keep people single! | |
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