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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 6:54:34 AM | ok so this is very hard for me and hopefully you all can lend your advice...
Im 26 a college graduate and like others in this economy im suffering. I lost a great job that paid well a year ago and havent recovered, and im very depressed. I recently reconciled with my mom a few months ago because i was urged to by my family, friends etc that parents are forever and i should honor them no matter what, and im regretting it now. I almost 3 years ago cut all communication with my bio dad and my mom. Due to the fact that i had a horrible childhood and very non supportive, insensitive, and non chalant parents. My father whom is a doctor, met my mother while he was married to another woman, i was conceived and my mom had raised me alone until i was two and she married my ex stepfather. My stepfather eventhough he raised me physically abused me for years, and my mom never did anything..I was a depressed child, i reached out to my bio dad and after years of wanting his love and acceptance, i had come to realize he kept me secret from his children with his wife(they never divorced even after she learned he fathered a child out side their marriage) and that he was forwarding all my letters to him to a po box. He never paid child support,and was in and out of my life, it hurt me soo much, it still does. When i went to college he promised to pay for my education, until 3 days before tuition was due he told me that he had other kids to put through school and he never wanted me and to go to hell...needless to say i havent spoken to him since, and my mother feels that i am being too sensitive and even though he never acknowledged me as his child, HE REALLY DOES LOVE ME.
My mom on the other hand was always mentally abusive growing up, as i am a sensitive person this hurt me to the core. She never supported my going to college, and when i moved on campus she told me to move home because she missed, and after 2 months told me to throw away my dreams of becoming a lawyer and pay her rent. I was livid, i just wanted to finish college successfully and go to law school. But my depression got the best of me, i graduated with a 2.6, and nearly suicidal, i moved out and never spoke to her again. especially since i later found out she took some credit cards of mine and never paid them off.. I never spoke to her again until 2 years later she begged me to forgive her for the abuse i endured under her ex husband, never standing up for me against my bio dad, and her constant mental abuse, i gave her a chance, and now i have fallen on hard times, i have nothing and i asked to move in with her so i could save money and not re reruin the credit i worked so hard to establish and build a better foundation for myself... needless to say, she told me that i needed to find somewhere else to live and since i have talked soo bad about her and how she never was a real mother to me that i couldnt stay with her. i told her it is that after my whole childhood of being abused physically and mentally she can accept that i am still hurting from it and she allowed it. She totally ignores all the accusations, and cant hear it.im done
i should have never allowed her into my life again..i just wanted a mom to love and support me to help me fulfill my dreams after such a bad childhood, but she dont care, she has a new man, good job , and could care, less and i have to be out of my apartment today and i have no where to go..im so tired
sorry for the long rant..any advice ? i just dont want to maintain contact with people whome dont love me and never want to admit how their action have affected my life. I feel like since im the product of an affair that i was just a big mistake..it hurts soo much | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 7:04:58 AM | I'm so sorry for your pain. It breaks my heart to hear any child (adult or not) speak of not feeling loved by their parents. It's a foreign concept to me. Your mother sounds very selfish and self centered, and will probably never be able to care for you the way you need her to, sad to say. I hope you have somewhere to go - another relative or friend you can stay with till you get back on your feet. I would recommend therapy - to overcome the abuse and feelings of abandonement, but you have more pressing issues at the moment. Don't waste another minute worrying about your mother, or bio-father, what they think or why. You are a grown, educated, intelligent woman, and you will be fine on your own. Take it one day at a time.  | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 7:39:11 AM | I feel for your pain, your childhood was horrible. However if you ever plan to lead a healthy productive life you must find the courage not to be the "Victim" anymore, if that means counciling then thats is what you must do. Unfortunately we can pick our friends but we can't pick our family there are many people out there that have had just as dysfunctional past as yours or worse....the easiest way is to find some forgiveness in your heart not so much for the people that did you wrong but for yourself....
You have your whole life to live and only "YOU" can choose how you want to live it...you can continue being the "VICTIM" (why nothing good happens to you mentality) or you can choose a different path.
As far as your parents are concerned you may have to learn to put them in a different place in your life so the toxicity remains at bay.
Good Luck to you... | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 8:37:24 AM | You know what? I think you DO want to maintain contact, which is why it hurts you so much. You are trying to see your parents as you want them to be, as you think they should be, instead of as WHO THEY ARE.
Your parents are selfish human beings. They have flaws which hurt you. You will never have a "typical" loving relationship with them. All YOU can do is try to change the way you see them; you can't change them.
But you CAN have a relationship. I didn't see if you have kids, but if you do, it's an important bond to know the grandparents.
If, in the end, you decide it's not worth the effort, that's ok, too. Unless it eats you up inside, then it's not ok.
See a counsellor--this is not an unusual circumstance. | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 10:41:10 AM | I'm going to a counselor on Thursday for very similar circumstances. For me, it is my father and how emotionally abusive and controlling he has been to me this last almost two years. I went into depression after my mom passed away (I did have one good parent), and he has been taking advantage of me ever since. I have finally decided it's my life and I need to mentally remind myself who should be in charge of it - ME! So, counseling is a very good idea, don't be ashamed of that. Also, if you want to talk, feel free to email me, talking to people with similar circumstances I think is therapeutic and helpful. I wish you success and true happiness because you deserve it! =)
M | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 10:46:09 AM | Be strong and stand on your own two feet, to hell with your parents.
I'll never understand why some parents treat their children so badly. I"m proud of you for going to school despite their lack of support. So many kids in your position end up with lousy lives and go on to repeat tragic family patterns.
Be proud of yourself, continue with college and don't look back.
Please pursue therapy, there are issues I'm sure you need to come to terms with.
Perhaps in the future you could develop some kind of relationship with your parents. | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 10:54:06 AM | | thanks all for your advice, its so good to hear others opinions...sometimes i feel so worthless you know..like im a good person, very sensitive, caring and i love to nurture. But i just keep wishing for the love and support that i know i will never get. I mean i told my mom this morning that when i previously stopped talking to her for almost 2 years that i was happier then that she was out of my life due to i dont like keeping contact with someone who allowed their ex husband to force me to eat oatmeal that im allergic to and if i vomited he would beat me. i tell her that i just wish i had a dad that cared, and she says well you werent born into his marriage like his other kids so you cant expect him to be there! wtf?? that hurts, i didnt deserve this it s just soo hard to go on w/o support from just a mom and dad. i just feel like a failure. | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 12:54:52 PM | You are certainly NOT a failure.
You have survived a childhood that would have crushed most people.
Most people accomplish things because the seeds of success were planted in their childhood, everything you have accomplished has been done despite your childhood.
You are going to have to find a way to deal with the anger that is burning inside you, otherwise it will burn you alive.
A reconciliation with your parents may happen one day, but it will be on your terms, when you are ready, and when you want it to happen. In the meantime look after yourself (I guess you're getting used to that anyway). | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 1:07:35 PM | | Why wasn't your real dad made to pay child support for you? Have you contacted a lawyer to see if you can get anything from him ? Probably not possible but I'd try anyway, especially if he promised to pay for school and backed out. I 'm sorry to hear this and wish you the best of luck. | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 1:32:13 PM | Krisninatlanta
That is a very sad existence, however you have survived.
Now it is time to move forward, not backwards. What you want from your mother, you will never get. She is incapable, and the more you expect from her the more disappointed you will become.
I had to let go of my expectations of my mother. You need to also. You are your own woman. You are 26 years old, and you can make it on your own. Look how far you have gotten already. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
Move out. Anywhere, best bet, half way across the country, just move. Get away from your mom. You will do better if you are not around her and expecting things from her that she cannot give you. Your biological father….cut contact with him also. His lack of parenting skills, and acceptance of such a beautiful lady as yourself, is his loss not yours.
Find counseling, it will do you a world of good.
I wish you the best, because you are! | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 3:53:18 PM | I haven't spoken to my parents in nearly 8 years for some of the same reasons.
Do yourself a huge favor and get some counseling until you come to grips with what happened to you. (Good counselors aren't easy to find and I was in and out of counseling for 15 years until I found a good one who helped me fix me. Don't give up because the first counselor isn't a good 'fit'.) I completed college during the estrangement and have bettered myself. You probably need help to learn to see yourself as a worthwhile person.
It's terrifying to know that you will never have the support system other people do, but once you accept it, your frame of mind will improve. You will learn to depend on you and stand on your own two feet regardless of what hits you. You have to learn to trust yourself and that gut instinct that has been so beaten down over the years in order to survive with people who abused you. You learn to like yourself...probably for the first time. And you learn to respect yourself. You learn to set boundaries (not walls) and be firm with other people about what you will and won't allow. You learn that saying no isn't a bad thing and you shouldn't feel guilty if you don't want what others demand of you.
Don't let yourself down. You deserve to be happy and healthy and whole. Do what you have to regarding your parents/family to get better. It's not easy, but don't give up on yourself. | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 4:40:05 PM | | well my mother never tried to get child support, and that is what makes me so angry! i could have had a good college fund or help starting just like my half sis/bro did. She makes me even angrier when i think about because it just reaffirms my ideology that she couldve cared lessa bout my well being. im 26 now so believe me if i could get some i would but i doubt it, he got out good and easily. it sucks and this man and his family attend church and he has no compassionate bone in his body it seems. like it was my fault i was conceived in a lie of a relationship... | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 5:00:02 PM | | no matter what you say or do...you're stuck with them...they will always be a part of you just because they were to people who consived you...SO! all you have to do is drop a note from time to time, just saying how well you are doing...wish them the best and don't expect any type of reply...that way, you are the better person for keeping some semblance of family and just go about you daily life...you are not the only one who has ever had a bad childhood...I'm lucky, I came from a big loving family....the best to you | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 5:58:56 PM |
no matter what you say or do...you're stuck with them...they will always be a part of you just because they were to people who consived you...SO! all you have to do is drop a note from time to time, just saying how well you are doing...wish them the best and don't expect any type of reply...that way, you are the better person for keeping some semblance of family and just go about you daily life...you are not the only one who has ever had a bad childhood...I'm lucky, I came from a big loving family....the best to you
No disrespect forum123, but this "FUK THAT" is directed to your "drop them a note" idea (not to you personally.)
~OP~ This just happens to be one topic where I do actually have first hand info and very strong reaction. DNA does not a family make!!! You don't have to love someone because they doned you an egg or sperm. You can choose who you love, and I believe you should make wise choices if/when you do choose to love. Not everyone is worthy of your time, energy, efforts and certainly not your emotions. You can indeed pick your family (as family is MUCH more than genetics) and if someone (YES, even your parents, siblings, yada yada) is hurting you more than loving/helping you? Move on. No amount of societal bias should make you feel like you are in the wrong for ridding your life of those who do or have hurt you to the extent you speak of here. JMO  | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 6:29:07 PM | | oooohhh biff boff! ok, I only say that as I NEVER have ill will towards anyone...even the people I don't care for...and its only to let her show that she is doing well, no matter how crappy they are...I never said anything about family...just being a better person...with no resentment...positive thinking....your opinion is noted | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 8:46:20 PM | | i love the way you stated that last sentence. I ended it with my mom because i know that if i do keep any level of convo open, then i will be opening myself of to the recollection that im letting some0ne who was not a parent to me a place in my life eventhought they didnt value it. Maybe this was my last time to really understand that the reason why i before stopped all communication was totally valid, and affirmed. I just hate to think that parents feel like its acceptable for them to do whatever to their child just because, and when it is given back they cant take it. | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 8:59:51 PM | | I feeel the need to reply again because my dad was and is very abusive and unfeeling. My mom left him after 50 years of marriage[finally] and he is ill and old and alone and cries that nobody loves him.Karma...kicking him in the ass, some people never learn. He has promised me and my sisters a few things and reneged, my mom has told him she will divorce him if he does't follow through, she is a gem. No we can't pick our family, but we sure don't have to like them either! | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 10/2/2009 10:43:27 AM | Krisnina, I don't have a relationship with my mom either for the same reasons. I also don't associate much with family due to these same issues.
Honour what you need. Be true to yourself. Carry a willingness to forgive in your heart but wait until they ask for it.
Be well. | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 10/2/2009 12:07:59 PM | Its apparent that you are still trying to salvage something here and the fact is that you most likely arent going to get that. You need to let go of the anger over what has happened like the child support thing. You cant change it and your fixating on these types of things is not doing you any good.
As another poster already mentioned, you want your parents to be something that they are not, your parents are people, and some people do things that we dont like, and when those people are our parents, it takes on a whole different dynamic. Ultimately what your parents did is not a reflection of who YOU are, it is a reflection of who THEY are. It really has very little to do with you. The damage that was done obviously does. You need to either get some counselling or continue with it until this no longer controls how you see your self.
The bottom line is that you CANNOT change what happened and YOU cannot change your parents, and it sounds like that is what you are trying to do. What you can do is see that their behaviour had nothing to do with you and nothing you do or could have done would have changed it. Stop owning their issues.
If you think that you are going to get them to "see" what they did and change or apologize, I think you will be waiting for a very long time. The only way that is going to happen is if they want to. It almost sounds like you are trying to force their hand to admit their wrongs and you think that will somehow give you closure or validate your feelings. Even if they did that, do you think that all the anger and resentment will go away? | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:01:26 PM | My situation is a bit different, well, not totally but sorta. None of it really bothers me though. But I never had a relationship with my mother really. When I was a kid she was sorta around sometimes, but I was raised by my grandparents. My dad wasn't around cause well, I don't know exactly but according to him, she didn't want him to ever see me, and the whole time he assumed he couldn't and moved on, I don't know. But my mother was more like a distant relative that would show up once in a blue moom usually with some kinda drama as to why she is "back in town". My mother is a very screwed up person. She has no care for anyone but herself. Six kids, and I was the last one to see her, 8 years ago. lol She never cared about any of us and even has grand kids shes never met and never will. Shes always ran off out of state to Southdakorta or whereever. Like I said it doesn't matter to me or bother me at all, but the idea someone would leave their kids behind like that, that many kids,is pretty screwed u. I did sort of have a relatiionship with her back in 01 when I wanted to move closer back to where my friends were i Minneapolis so moving in with her was my only option. Her and her ex got into a fight so we had to move out. She lied about bills the whole tie I lived there, used me for money. Then when we got kicked out, she lied about her paycheck going to her ex and him cashing it at the liquor store so I ended up paying for everything. PLus I was buying her car from her, and before the title was switched she ran off with it, and I couldn't afford a lawyer. So she owes me around $3000 for the car plus a crap loan of money I spent on still after we got kicked out. I don't expect to see it.
I also have no relationship with my half siblings, mostly cause of her actions but we're all adults now, mostly mid-late 20s, too late for that, plus their family is their fathers fam not their mothers. (well my cousin is being foolish too, you know how girls go for the bad guys? well this is 100 times worse, even dumber than many of the women I've met and dated)
Some people think my "women issues" stems from that, on the contrary, I was raise by my grandmother and my aunt was around a lot, and still have a good relationship with both. My dating issues has come from women I've actually met, all of them having princess superficial selfish personalitys all to common now days. | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:43:37 PM | | This may be hard for you to hear, but...we are brought into this world by exactly the parents that are needed to pull off the rest of the elements in our 'script' . Yes, of course all of that is horrible-you are well entitled to your feelings-all of them are natural reactions. You know you can't change them so--best is to accept that 'this is how they are'-make your friends into your new family. A wise friend once told me that -our greatest gifts come through our greatest pain. Now it's up to you how to proceed. There is a lot of emphasis on forgiveness in many circles-the secret to that is that forgiveness is for YOU, more than the forgiven-it helps you release the burdens you are lugging around. Good wishes to you OP-you have been on a challenging path for sure! | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 10/2/2009 3:49:34 PM | | We don't get to choose who we're born to, or who raises us, but as adults we certainly can decide how to conduct or to end the relationships with those people who acted, more or less, as our parents. In the abstract the kind of nurturing, role moles, family we need can be got with people of our choosing. The biological or situational parents aren't the only source of parental relationship stuff. Trying to make your actual parents into something they are not could be a huge waste of time and effort. It might be better to recognize the limitations of those relationships and then supplement or supplant as necessary with older people you choose to be your surrogates in life, be they close friends, mentors, or what have you. The past can be as an anchor in heavy seas, to cut loose from to stay afloat. Drifting isn't all that bad. Your debts in life are all payable to future generations. | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 10/2/2009 4:55:11 PM | WOW!
You have a tough case but parts of your story reminds me of what happen to me when I first moved out. I am now 44 and still am thankful to God that my parents are able to help me too because this rescission is the worse I have ever seen in my life. I swear if a person would of told me that it was possible for a person to be serious about getting a job, yet be unable to find one after a full year, I WOULD of called the person too lazy to work. BUT, now I know better because it's happen to me. At my age I had to work odd jobs, doing yard work, whatever I could get. And I have the ability to troubleshoot and repair Windows based pcs, but despite my background with computers and electronics most of those jobs are now in China which leaves about 1000 guys like me to compete with the occasional single opening in a service job repairing electronics. Never in my life have I seen so many grown adults that needed at least a little help from somebody to get by.
When I moved out at the age of 20, I had almost a hate ward to my mother, and I was not crazy about my father who used to use a belt on me, but for many that's not considered abuse. My issue was how he did it- once I was 17 years old sleeping and he awoke me by whipping me with his belt over an issue that I had NO IDEA what I did to piss him off! I still do not recall. My mother really drove me cray as she was an expert at mind games. I felt many broken promises with her. BUT......
After years of barely speaking ever, I finally realized that people die. None of us live forever and I did not wish to lose my parents while I was full of hate and not speaking to them. Over the years I managed to forgive and lose the hate. We started talking. I managed to quit many bad habits I had picked up in the "party generation". The next thing I knew we were adults that got along better than ever. And Thank God for them because they have saved my ass as an adult. They came through and helped me with more money matters than I can count, as they see me trying to find a job, but it is REALLY that bad where I am. And I just do not know where I can go to work. I once ran my own small business troubleshooting computers, and I made out ok with it. Then the economy turned upside down and I had no customers.
My point is this: Do not take your parents for granted, sometimes time will heal old wounds. People often can and do change for the better over a course of many years. They are the only parents you will ever have, and if they are like most parents they wont stand by and leave you to walk the streets alone at night. If you can get past the forgiving stage and become as close as you always should of been you may be surprised to see the ways either parent may be able to help you out with all sorts of problems.
I am thankful I got a chance to get to know my parents in the way it should of been when I was growing up. But life was too tense as I grew up and I grew up confused and turned to drinking and smoking weed- A LOT. It's been many years, but I am now as clean as ever and I do not really have any urges for the old bad habits. All of this stuff was connected to the HATE I had inside for certain things my parents did to me- they meant well, but I was an emotional child, a musician type, and I could not see they were trying to help me. I got defensive and the walls to communication went up. Nowadays I am so happy to still have them in my life at their ages. And they really do try their best when I have nowhere else to turn. If I had never forgiven them I may never of known what true love from parents feels like.
All I can say is try your best to make the most out of your relationship with your parents. If it's just impossible you will at least have the comfort of knowing you tried your best to get it right. If things go well for you they may offer to help you with many problems. Life is not fair, and the older we get the more unfair it seems. That is why I am more thankful than ever for what few family members I have left, I have no wife nor kids. At least now if I lose my parents before it's my time I will have some peace in my heart that despite a most terrible childhood / being a teen growing up, all was made up in my adults years and I will NEVER EVER be able to repay all of the jams they have helped me get out of. And it's all because of love parents and their children (or their child).
I wish you all the best, and God Bless you and your loved ones. (Sorry for preaching, I mean only good things for you) 
Peace,
Terry | |
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| Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 10/16/2009 3:06:43 PM | | Hearing stories like this makes me realize how lucky I am. I had it good and I still took a break from my folks for a time. It's part of asserting your independence and part of exploring your own psyche. Take a walk for a time. Don't burn any bridges though, you might want to reestablish those relationships when you are older. | |
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