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 mryan1451
Joined: 9/28/2009
Msg: 1
Choosing between your love and your sonPage 1 of 1    
I'm recently divorced and have a 14 year old son with whom I have a difficult relationship. He lives with his Mom. He grudgingly sees me and blames me for the divorce. His Mom has a really enmeshed relationship with him. They shared a bed for five years, from age 8 to 13. No reason to ask why we got divorced, I guess.

A counselor suggested it would help for me to live near him to have a better relationship, but to do that, I would need to break off my relationship with a woman I really like who lives with me. That's another story. She's 22; I am 58. She sees me as a lifeline. I'm paying for her to attend university. I took her out of a really ugly family situation.

She loves me; I love her. But I realize that the age difference will probably mean that we can't be together. My son would probably reject me if I stayed with her. My instinct is to choose my son. He will need me over the next few years as he grows to manhood. A 58 year old Dad with a 22 year old gf is not an ideal role model.

But I know too that it will be a big loss for both me and my gf to end this. And I'll really feel regret years from now if my son rejects me anyway, despite my sacrifice for him.

Suggestions? Advice?
 WigglingFish
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 2
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 2:58:00 AM
You are a sugar daddy to this 22 year old woman aren't you? you are not her lover, her partner, she NEEDS you that's why she is with you. I thought you would know better at your age. I feel sorry for your son. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, your "love life" and be a dad to your son before its too late man.
 rune3
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 3
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 3:11:28 AM
I don't agree with sacrifices. Not that it would be wrong for you to break up with the 22yr old and move nearer your son -- nothing wrong with those actions if it's your choice resulting directly from your priorities. If it's done with the feeling that you're making a sacrifice, however, I think that makes it wrong.

14yr olds are notoriously difficult -- one who shared his mom's bed until he was 13 (how was this considered okay by those deciding custody?) is going to be rather different and likely more difficult to relate to than average. I don't think that being nearer would do anything positive. I do think you should make a big effort to stay in regular contact -- even if he never writes back. He shouldn't doubt that you care about him and would be someone he could turn to if he needed to.

I don't think it's relevant that the woman you're living with is so young. So what? Maybe she's using you or you offer her much-needed love and stability for which she is genuinely grateful -- with any relationship, no matter the ages, there are risks that it's all a farce -- and also a chance that it's not. Maybe it won't last, but it seems to be the most positive aspect of your life right now -- and positive for her too, and it makes sense to hold onto what is positive right now rather than drop everything in hope of endearing yourself to a teenager. The boy's mother has called the shots and had custody -- I think that having him sleeping with her was sick and wrong and that it's good that he has a dad to turn to who is not part of that scenario, when he is ready to get out. Just make sure you keep up that correspondence and keep reminding him of the open door.

With the relationship with the 22yr old, since age difference did not prevent the relationship from starting, don't let your insecurities about that age difference be the reason for it ending. You can be responsible and considerate of others well-being without being a martyr.
 the.handyman
Joined: 9/16/2009
Msg: 4
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 4:02:58 AM
Op, the only question I have is, if you love this young 22 Y.O. woman as you say you do...
Why did you just sign up on POF 5 days ago looking for a long term relationship?

I think you should question yourself as well.

In one of your other posts you appear to be bragging about dating a 22 year old. Me
thinks your using her for sex or trying to broadcast via these forums that you want to
date young women.

I also think this whole situation, if true, is a train wreck waiting to happen.
 not a nurse
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 5
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 4:07:44 AM
Oh bless, can see where this is coming from, poor you

sorry about the son, but taking on another child is not going to sort out your head.

Find yourself a lady your own age, with her head on right, and she will show you that you don't need children, they need you.

Your son has had his head messed with for too long, those years sleeping with the mother have messed his head up enough, he does not need to see his father sleeping with a child too, especially someone who could be his sister.

See where I am going with this. Try and start again show the boy a normal relationship, where the children sleep in their own beds, and the adults bring up the children, feed, clothe, shop, educate, entertain, etc.,

Good Luck with finding a normal life for you and your son, if you lead, he may just want to leave home and live in the real world.
 deborah815
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 6
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History
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 4:22:21 AM
I haven't had my morning coffee, maybe that's why I'm confused. Or maybe I'm confused because you say you're recently divorced, living with a 22 year old woman and you're on here looking for "long term". I'd suggest you try living without a woman for awhile, put your energy into having a relationship with your son. It sounds like he needs some serious help.
 applesn2pie
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 7
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 5:02:35 AM
Hey Man, don't be a fool... she is not "your love" You are her sugar daddy.

Answer this question.... If you were in financial ruin... would she quit school, get a job and pay YOUR WAY...?????? I think NOT.
Choose your son. Even if you have a rocky relationship...... Maybe this will improve it, maybe it wont. But its gauranteed NOT to improve if you don't try.

As far as the 22y/o...... She can be replaced in 5 minutes. hold a sign up at your local college that says.. 'I WILL PAY YOUR WAY.. all you have to do is, touch my willie and say you love me"
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 8
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 5:09:37 AM

And I'll really feel regret years from now if my son rejects me anyway, despite my sacrifice for him.

I don't have a child but as a daughter I was saddened by this statement. Why would you regret being a FATHER to your son? Even if he rejected you several times just be the best father that you can be.

I could say that my father was a great father but he was not perfect. During his philandering days, my sister caught him with another woman. In my sister's anger, she told him right there that if he died she will never cry in his burial, not a single eye will shed tears for his death. My father died 3 years ago. And guess what, my sister almost breakdown when he died and during the funeral. WHY? Because even when my sister treated him coldly, he never stopped being a father to us. Thus, he earned our respect for him as a father.
Good luck.
 Amitiel
Joined: 7/26/2009
Msg: 9
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Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 6:13:28 AM
I worry about that "knight in shining armour" syndrome thing. Older guy saves younger girl from bad situation. She is greatful and he feels like a king. Eventually she will stand on her own and will not need a prince anymore. And you will not feel the same about her once that happens.

No matter how difficult, I move closer to your son if I were you. And I'd look for a relationship where she doesn't need to be "saved" or rescued. That would be more long term and deeper and more meaningful then what you have now. She will not be your sacrifice. You will not regret it later. Sometimes we are in the right place at the right time for the right reason. Sometimes it doesn't make sense to us at the moment, but one day we look back and realize...."oh yeah, now I get it". You changed her life. Be glad you could help and move on.

The next few years will be more difficult with your son then you could ever imagine, but you will feel the reward eventually.
 feistyredangel
Joined: 7/9/2009
Msg: 10
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 6:15:09 AM
Wait let me get this straight..


And I'll really feel regret years from now if my son rejects me anyway, despite my sacrifice for him.


You will regret your 'sacrifice' because of your son but you won't regret this:


But I realize that the age difference will probably mean that we can't be together


And to top it off you did this for HER:


I'm paying for her to attend university. I took her out of a really ugly family situation.


But you allowed this to be created for him:


He grudgingly sees me and blames me for the divorce. His Mom has a really enmeshed relationship with him. They shared a bed for five years, from age 8 to 13.


So where was he sleeping before he was 8 years old? And what events happened that made an 8 year old boy want to sleep with his mother?

It sounds to me that you like to create a mess then leave it behind. To pacify your soul, you decided to rescue some other chick and do for her what you won't do for your son. Take care of the child you created and send him to university before you send a girl that isn't going to stick around after graduation.

If you want to find sympathy, look between sh!t and syphillis in the dictionary because I hate to say you aren't going to find much here.
 iTsMeJuLi
Joined: 10/27/2008
Msg: 11
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 6:30:20 AM
OP, the wise decision would be too move closer to your son. Even if he doesn't want to see you right now he may change his mind at any time. You can put effort into your relationship with him to improve it.

You also know the girl is just using you for a free ride through college.
 Jewlsey*
Joined: 1/24/2009
Msg: 12
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 6:34:30 AM
This post is scary from someone who is almost 60 years old. I hope that you're at least saving for therapy. Your will need a lot of it before he can ever have a healthy relationship.
 Willys Wild Wheaties
Joined: 5/21/2008
Msg: 13
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Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 7:09:34 AM
Wait until the end of the college semester for the 22-year old....no need to waste good tuition money... Then move closer to your son. I would be curious why you would have moved away from your kids anyway...
 happyrebel
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 14
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Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 7:13:01 AM
Wow, this is wrong on so many levels-I don't even know where to start. As a mother of twin teen boys, I can understand your son's anger towards you. He must feel as though you left his Mom for the young'un and if that's the case, it may be justified. Makes me wonder what happened to cause this kid to seleep with his Mom for 5 yrs. After the death of my husband when my sons were 9, I can probably count on one hand the number of times they slept with Mom. It sounds like your whole family has issues.

It must seem as though you've turned your back on him to live with the young woman and that's what's probably causing the anger. Moms and sons have a different relationship than sons and fathers (more like the father/daughter relationship). However, there is NO valid excuse to walk away from him. At least someone is in counseling - hopefully it works.

As soon as this woman finishes college, she'll be gone from your life. I'm betting 10-1 that she has mental issues, too, especially if you rescued her from a bad family situation. When you are no longer able to have sex, or are too old and feeble to keep up, she'll be gone and then where will you be? I hope this woman was/is not one of your students, as universities still frown on sex between student and teacher.

As a parent, your responsibility should always be for your children. He's a young teen. They are full of anger at that age anyways - even when things are great at home. Don't you remember being young? There are several books on the market about raising sons and or teenagers, perhaps they'd shed some light on this. So long as you make an effort, he will forgive you in time. If you don't, he may never forgive you. Even when teens don't act like they love their parents, 99.8% of the time, they do because most don't have a valid reason to stop. This girl will be gone before you know it but by then your chance at reconcilliation with your son will be lost. Is she worth that, knowing she won't stay with you forever? I mean, what does a 22 yr old and a man almost 60 have in common anyways? How you became involved after rescuing her, makes me leery too. If she was leaving a bad situation, becoming sexually involved in someone almost old enough to be her grandfather must do something mentally to her. So she left one father, to have sex with another father/grandfather figure? Sick! What happens in five or ten years when she wants children? You won't be able to keep up with them. What then? Sure, this seems like fun now, but try to think with your big head and look at the larger picture!

HR
 mryan1451
Joined: 9/28/2009
Msg: 15
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 7:21:45 AM
No, she is not a student.

Here's what happened. I got a new job in Philadelphia a year and a half ago, about four hours from my home in Connecticut.

That pretty much ruined the marriage, which had been non-existent anyway apart from kid-raising for about six years. The glue that daily habits provide was not there to hold us together any longer. We separated about a year ago and formally divorced this summer.

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. I think I see what needs to be done.

I'll end the relationship and move back to Connecticut to be near my son. I can commute to work in Philadelphia.

Much better.

I came on this site initially to look around but I realize I've stayed on for the forums. Such good wisdom here!
 katd40
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 16
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 7:21:48 AM
I think it would be a good idea for you to read some books about co-dependent relationships. Why are you paying for that girl's college?

I understand your son's disgust. You are exhibiting a deep lack of self-respect. I don't think living closer to him will do either of you any good.

Seek therapy. Seriously.
 pretty moon
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 17
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Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 7:27:07 AM
I must really be getting old when a 58 year old man cant decide if his son is more important than a 22 year old "girl". Sure she loves you!!!!! I would have loved an older man that paid my way at 22....hell I'd love an older man to pay my way now. LOL No not true.

No..you are absolutely right about not being a role model. Look....divorced is one thing. As long as there was not abuse I dont care about the reasons, but that does not negate your role as a father. And if the s0n is angry then maybe you should be in counseling together.

Your biggest mistake is in looking at your being there for him as a sacrifice. And so how are you going to feel when you lose your son AND the girl. When she is 27 and though school and starting her career you are 63 and checking out your SS options do you think she is really going to be there. You are her "rescuer" so I dont doubt she loves you for that., but come on.

I am glad you are in counseling and I suspect you need it for more reasons than your son.

GOOD LUCK

PEACE

pretty moon
 bodypro8
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 18
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 8:08:22 AM
Gee. This is the only open thread in AAG. Except for an even stupider one. I don't know what I can advise you. What do I know about kids? I can't even have em.

I guess you should look after your son and drop that young bimbo because you can always get another women of any age but it is too late to produce another son. You will be dead by the time a new born gets as old as your present son.

At least you are not embarrassed about being a dirty old man and you don't mind that older women hate you and other men envy you.

God bless.
 actualizing
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 19
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 8:19:56 AM
Rune3 has said everything that I wanted to say. I have noticed a pattern as well. Perhaps you will be more fulfilled with the young woman who needs and loves you while you are successful at being a good role model to her. This is something you do not enjoy with your son. Perhaps in an odd way you are doing the same thing with this young woman that your ex did with your son. That's just an observation and not a judgment.

I think that we need to double check our motivations when we make a decision. If the motivations are not manipulative in any way or are not based on fear, usually there are no hard knocks (Knox) at the end of the tunnel.

Whatever you decide it will be the right decision because you made it. How can it be wrong?
 PinkOleander
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 20
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 8:44:04 AM
Ewww. That's all I have to say. Just ewww.....
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 21
Choosing between your love and your son
Posted: 10/3/2009 8:44:12 AM
This entire post makes me want to throw up.
It does not matter what anyone here says. You will choose to stay and be just what you are.
You brought your son into this world. MAN UP .
despite my sacrifice for him.
LMAO

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