| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 6:31:14 PM | I've seen posts in these boards about "When do you tell people ..."
... about having a chronic disease or health condition.
... about family obligations such as a child with a disability or an elderly parent you're caring for.
... about being unemployed.
But I'm a practitioner of the unspeakable. The one sure fire way to make sure he never calls. The one that's a deal breaker as close to 100% of the time you can get in a world where nothing is absolutely 100%.
I'm chaste.
From what I can see of the modern dating scene, holding out for the honeymoon is a downright freakish aberration, more bizarre and inexplicable than a fetish for plastic fruit. A chaste woman on a dating site? Might as well be a Luddite at a technology expo, right? Except the Luddite is opposed to technology. I'm all for sex; just in the proper context, which at this point in my life is along the lines of "He won't survive the honeymoon, but he'll die with a smile on his face." And there are men willing to wait. I've met them. After other women snatched them up. They're as rare and valuable as authentic William Shakespeare signatures, so they don't stay on the market long.
I'm still looking. But they can't be spotted at a distance. I have to get close enough for a conversation.
So at what point -- and how -- do I bring up practicing the discipline of chastity? | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 6:54:34 PM | When do you 'fess up? I'd have to say IMMEDIATELY. During the talkin and gettin to now each other on the phone immediately. It is YOUR decision but it is as compelling as disclosing to a potential lover that you have incurable cancer and a 6 month life expectancy. I mean, not in the first couple of sentences but close to it. The topic of previous relationships, loves, recent lovers usually come up pretty early in any conversation with a potential new mate so it really should be disclose then.
Once there is a "relationship", trust has been established and either love is happening or about to sex just plays such an important role in relationships that to hide the fact that he ain't gittin any until or after the wedding is predatory ... worse.
Of course my biggest worry if I fell in love with somebody like you would be the VERY likely probability that things would NOT change that much AFTER the wedding. Of course that's grounds for immediate annulment but it shouldn't cum down to that. If you love somebody a slip of paper, IMHO, should NOT determine whether one gets to make love or not so disclosing that immediately just saves a LOT of grief, possible heartache and likely some hostility too. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 6:58:57 PM | | By email, before the first date. Do these guys a favor and save them the 10 wasted bucks for coffee. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 7:18:18 PM |
By email, before the first date. Do these guys a favor and save them the 10 wasted bucks for coffee.
So you see dating as a form of prostitution? He pays for the coffee, she puts out?
I pay my own way. I don't owe him squat. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 7:21:38 PM |
Of course my biggest worry if I fell in love with somebody like you would be the VERY likely probability that things would NOT change that much AFTER the wedding.
Another modern myth: Chaste = asexual. You evidently didn't read as far as the "He won't survive the honeymoon but he'll die with a smile on his face."
So far the responses I'm getting reinforce my image of men as just cruising for sex, with no interest in women as human beings. Guess what? We're more than just propulsion units to bring our crotches to your bedroom. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 7:26:31 PM | | Seems like something you'd want to explain in your profile. Hopefully it would screen out guys you wouldn't be interested in, plus attract the types you want to attract. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 7:52:37 PM |
Do these guys a favor and save them the 10 wasted bucks for coffee.
I agree, though not because you are saving the guys their wasted time. I see it as saving yourself the wasted time. Why spend time dating a guy who has no interest in dating someone with your beliefs?
I would suggest putting it in your profile. That way, you will probably get SIGNIFICANTLY less mail, but at least the mail you do get will be from men who you actually have a chance of forming some connection with. It will save you a lot of time and frustration. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 7:54:30 PM | So you see dating as a form of prostitution? He pays for the coffee, she puts out?
Close, but not quite. He pays for coffee and he expects that if there is adequate chemistry and mutual attraction, she won't withhold it until after some legal binding contract is signed, typically many months or even years later.
Getting involved with someone with your fetish is like buying a ridiculously expensive car without test driving it. Any sane, non desperate man, would pass.
Edit: On second thoughts it's even worse; a ridiculously expensive car will most likely be of a reputable brand, there will be public reviews, etc, so the risk is not as high as marrying someone you have no idea whatsoever about his/her sexual appeal and compatibility.
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 7:56:36 PM | I don't believe in waiting til marriage for sex (for myself I mean), but definitely needs to wait until there is a relationship there, some level of trust and comfort for both of us....
I have yet to meet a guy willing to wait until I am comfortable enough to have sex, as apparently no sex after 1-2 dates is a deal breaker (?!?!)
When I'm talking to someone, when the subject of sexual preferences comes up, or there is an offer for sex, this is when I share my opinion on sex and relationships. I also give him an out, an opportunity to say that my values are not for him, and to move on, because I don't want to waste either of our valuable time. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 7:57:56 PM | Wow
I'm really tempted to ask what the heck you're waiting for, but I don't want to get my butt chewed.
Really you have three issues. The first is that you just aren't into sex, and virtually all men are. (I know what you wrote, but it's a hard sell that you really are into sex but you haven't had it in 50 years.)
The second is that if a guy would even consider this, you've made this SUCH A BIG DEAL that no one is going to want to know near this.
Lastly, you are just bitter becasue of this, as shown by:
So you see dating as a form of prostitution? He pays for the coffee, she puts out? I pay my own way. I don't owe him squat.
We're more than just propulsion units to bring our crotches to your bedroom.
I mean this in a nice way. You should get some couseling on this. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 8:01:11 PM | For the sake of discussion, let's swap "sex" for some other physical aspect of a dating relationship, and he tells you that he won't touch you until the wedding night. No holding hands, no walking arm in arm, no cuddles, or foot massages, no kisses, no physical touching whatsoever. Without going into whether or not you think those things are essential to have from someone before committing to them in marriage (as I don't want to assert that sex is always necessary before marriage), wouldn't you like to be told this from the outset before even getting to know them?? Don't you think this is a "deal breaker" of sorts?? If they didn't tell you, and you reached out to them and they repelled... what would that say to you??
I'm not advocating sex before marriage.. that's between those two adults to decide. What my point is... is what you consider to be acceptable to you, is being forced on someone else for them to deal with, should you choose not to tell them of this condition right from the outset.
Be up front and honest about this. It doesn't make the ones who choose not to pursue a relationship with you bad people, only after sex.. it means they look at your request as something that they don't want to have to deal with.
Bluez | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 8:07:22 PM | sweetiepi wrote:
would suggest putting it in your profile. That way, you will probably get SIGNIFICANTLY less mail, but at least the mail you do get will be from men who you actually have a chance of forming some connection with. It will save you a lot of time and frustration.
Obviously I agree (same thing I said). But it has since occurred to me that it will also attract some guys who are out for a challenge. And some of those guy are impossible to spot. Good luck with that. Otherwise, it seems like a better idea than your current plan. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 8:18:45 PM | For the sake of discussion, let's swap "sex" for some other physical aspect of a dating relationship, and he tells you that he won't touch you until the wedding night. No holding hands, no walking arm in arm, no cuddles, or foot massages, no kisses, no physical touching whatsoever.
Good point - but why restricting to physical aspects ? Here are some more fun suggestions:
- "No vacations together before marriage."
- "You'll get to see my friends and family for the first time in the church."
- "Public meetings only; you won't enter my house before I enter your body."
and so on.  | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 8:19:20 PM | I agree with putting it in your profile.
You might have better luck on Christian dating sites where it might be more the norm. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 8:29:10 PM |
So at what point -- and how -- do I bring up practicing the discipline of chastity?
Why would you...?
The guy should be able to figure it out eventually... if he wants to stay, he will.... if he doesn't he will move on....
A real man knows he can get sex anywhere, it's not a big deal....... However, a long term partner with self respect and convictions... they are all too rare.... few and far between and worth a lot more effort.... | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 8:40:56 PM | Ok, here's my point of view?
Why are you chaste? You've been married. You have children. So, obviously you've had sex and you're not guarding your virginity. Those of us having had great sex don't miss it voluntarily. We'd love to have it, but we may not be in the relationship that we need/want for that.
They say 'if the sex is good, it's 10% and if it's bad, it's 90%'. So, it's important that 2 people are sexually compatible in a relationship. If not, it will be a major problem. Expecting someone to marry you without knowing what they're getting is probably too tall an order in today's society.
Just because you say that the honeymoon will be all that, you being willing to wait until then seems to suggest that you're not that much into sex. That you're perfectly happy to wait for it. And the fact that you're willing to marry someone without knowing if they are sexually compatible with you also suggests that sex just isn't that important to you, because you have no idea if they can satisfy you.
I have seen some post in regards to people being asexual and I think they may have even mentioned a website for singles like that. Maybe that would be something to look into for you.
Good luck, because it won't be easy for you to find a partner here. Maybe in certain religious communities?
You should probably put it onto your profile or at least mention it immediately. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 8:44:55 PM |
He won't survive the honeymoon but he'll die with a smile on his face
You obviously think that you'll somehow be a better lay than a woman who has sex regularly, and that you have something "tremendously" valuable worth "waiting" for.
Pfffft.
You obviously don't know what other women f**k like, on a daily basis in a relationship.
Get over yourself.... | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 8:55:38 PM | OP wait until you are involved, when you are just dating someone, it isn't important. But when you get to the involvement point, the exclusive talk, and you still don't wish to get close to him, you have to let him know. IMO it is brought out the same time as you would bring up testing for STD's.
There are other men and women that do this. It isn't all that strange with all the std's you can get even wearing a condom.
Good luck | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 9:02:32 PM |
when you are just dating someone, it isn't important
I would think that would be quite deceitful. In today's norm there's the expectation that you will have sex once you have a relationship. So, to lead someone on and not let them know that your expectations are different than the norm is deceiving.
What about people dating and before they get married the guy says: Oh, by the way, I don't want children. Wasn't important during dating, so he never mentioned it. Had she known she would have not dated him. Just as deceitful.
And someone that might even be willing to wait, if they feel that they've been deceived by the person not saying something like this upfront, will probably not stick around | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 9:10:15 PM | dear miss varinia
i do completely understand that your response was not directed at me. also that it may not be my place to volunteer answers but... what can i say. it won't be my first time chastised!
Why are you chaste? You've been married. You have children. So, obviously you've had sex and you're not guarding your virginity. Those of us having had great sex don't miss it voluntarily. We'd love to have it, but we may not be in the relationship that we need/want for that.
it could be some people feel sex is even better when done for love of the person... and not the act.
if you are having "great sex" with a bad person do you hang on to the person because you love the person... love the sex, or just the fear you won't find better sex. and then does the person become just an object of your desire... or is he still a person..
Just because you say that the honeymoon will be all that, you being willing to wait until then seems to suggest that you're not that much into sex. That you're perfectly happy to wait for it. And the fact that you're willing to marry someone without knowing if they are sexually compatible with you also suggests that sex just isn't that important to you, because you have no idea if they can satisfy you.
does it really mean that the person is not into sex... or that they are not into compromise? not willing to sell themselves short for the hope of love... but willing to give themselves completely to love?
is it not love that makes us sexually compatible not sex that gives us love?
so if they can make you orgasm then that is enough... but if they can't make your mind cum...will you be happy with physical release... and mental frustration? | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 9:28:49 PM | some people feel sex is even better when done for love of the person.
I agree with that. And I'm not saying to just jump into bed with anyone. But I do suggest that most of us, if we find someone that we feel connected with in a way that we can see longer term relationship potential (and different people have different criteria and time spans for that) that sex is an important aspect of the whole relationship.
I don't believe that sex is automatically good just because people are really into each other. There's a lot more involved. A woman can really love someone and think that just laying there and allowing him to have sex with her is her gift to him. Or a guy can really love a woman and think that doing missionary position for 5 minutes is the greatest sex ever. That does not mean that they don't love each other. But many people may not really appreciate that kind of sex.
So, to me, and I think most people, it's pretty important to know what you're getting. And if you really feel that this is the person that you're going to marry, then why not go ahead and have sex. If one thinks that they're all that with a cherry on top sexually, then they don't have to worry about the other walking away, do they? And if someone is not willing to have sex, then that leaves a lot of questions unanswered and leaves room for suspicion.
There's potentially a long time span between the first date and actually getting married. And somewhere in between you will know that this is the person that you will spend your life with. So, why not be willing to have sex then? Why wait until there's a piece of paper? | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 9:59:49 PM | TravelingHomebody:
So far, about the only issue I agree with most of the other posters on is that if this is a pont you are firm on then it, indeed, ought to be broached in your profile. Outside of the possibility that you might get a few wolves in sheep clothing, you may be more likely to attract the right sort of gentleman.
What I like about the use of the word, "chastity," comes from the dictionary and thesaurus: (1) sexual abstinence: the condition or practice of abstaining from sex on moral grounds; and then there is this from Mr. Roget: chastity was equated with Purity and synonyms listed included cleanliness,clarity wholesomeness, innocence, virtue, and virtuousness.
If/When I 'er start dating again this is the route that I will be most comfortable with. Am I afraid of sex, am I a prude, etc., The answer to all is a resounding NO! But what I do fear is abasing a blessing that a man and woman can give each other. A Gift that can either tear a couple apart or bring them closer together.
Just because you wait till after the wedding to engage in the more intimate aspects of sex doesn't mean you haven't broached the subject. Especially at this age, and in this Age, it is imperative to talk about sexual desires, limits, experiences, none of which means you have to sleep together. In my mind the biggest hurdle to a couple being imcompatible in bed is an unwillingness to please each other. Being locked in to this is how I did this before and how I'm going to do this now and in the future.
As a Christian there is very little forbidden between a husband and wife: 3rd parties, animals, intentionally harming the other, are what come to mind readily. But, gosh, there is so much other stuff available that a married couple has a lifetime of exploration ahead.
And as to this argument about kicking the tires to determine sexual compatibility: does it really help? Has is really helped all you tire kickers? How many bed partners have you had? Have you been incompatible with them all? And is it possible that it is the mind set that is keeping you from finding that compatible partner, and not the sex?
As I've said before, I'll be looking for a lover, in the basest sense and most holy sense of the word. One who shares my world view as I share hers, and if that means a rather parochial view of the right place for sex, then so be it (those last three words are often translated, Amen.)
A couple other things from some of the previous posts:
There seems to be this belief that it is sex that makes the relationship. I subscribe to the quaint notion that it is the relationship that makes the sex. Further, by defining the point when sex ought to introduced as when I "relationship" evolves, or "when committed," jumps the gun big time. By that definition, sex can be introduced anytime after the first meet and greet. Choosing an arbitrary point does nothing to really establish anything. Hell, when I was a kid back in my 20's, I could have committed quicker'n I could down a grape Nehi.
So, TravelingHomebody, you stick to your guns. There's a fella out there that'll appreciate a woman of your convictions.
TravelingHomebody, thanx for being so brave, and risking the ridicule of less chaste posters, and addressing this neglected topic.
TK
{additional advantages, comparisons to others is from a very small field, and one can say (well, I can say) with conviction That I'm std free - that one is a no brainer} | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 11:35:18 PM | Whatever your reasons for this "condition" are between you and some rare bird who is willing to endure a sexless relationship on the possible promise of some fun on his wedding night. OK. That's between you and the guy. YOU asked the question. For the most part and skipping the rooms overall puzzlement over anyone being chaste in this day and age everybody has said pretty much the same thing.
TELL HIM RIGHT AWAY
Yes, I did read your post. I said what I'd be afraid of was as spelled out by several posters after that is discovering a complete INcompatibility AFTER the wedding. Sort of like buying a car that is worth 50% of your total worth (if you follow the implications) and discovering you can't even reach the pedals. YOU say the wedding night / honeymoon would be spectacular. Would I bet my happiness on that? Not on YOUR life. Would I have any interest in a woman with that attitude. Never.
What I didn't read was WHY you have this philosophy or lifestyle. Is it to "screen" out the horndawgs? There are other ways to do that than swearing off all and any sex no matter how compatible you were with some new guy. If you're playing some little game then my guess is YOU'LL be the loser. You may find a guy but I doubt it. In a weird way I admire you for being as candid as you are. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I think 99% of guys would feel pretty much the same way ( as would most women ). It's hard enough finding a compatible mate. Telling him sex ain't gonna happen till AFTER the bells have stopped ringing pretty much guarantees many many many celibate years ahead for you. Better get rechargables while they're on sale!
Another modern myth: Chaste = asexual. You evidently didn't read as far as the "He won't survive the honeymoon but he'll die with a smile on his face."
So far the responses I'm getting reinforce my image of men as just cruising for sex, with no interest in women as human beings. Guess what? We're more than just propulsion units to bring our crotches to your bedroom.
Take it for whatever you want. There are those who cruise for sex and those who are waiting somewhat impatiently for LOVE to happen again. You may not like the answers here and some may be more critical that others but YOU were the one who asked when should you disclose and we're ALL saying BEFORE THE FIRST DATE. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/5/2009 3:40:17 AM | Oh heck there is a thread about this in 45. It isn't that strange. It is entitle something like abstinence. I think because of where this thread has be been placed, the people that practice it aren't posting on here. Pretty much those that have sex fairly quickly are the ones posting on here.
I dated the same at this age as when I was younger. Unless I felt something for someone, I didn't sleep with them. You will know the right person. Not every dude is looking to get laid. I am sure at your age you will know when the timing is right. | |
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| When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/5/2009 3:57:55 AM | | personally i would tell the person at the beginning...honesty is important...want somebody who is on the same page...do not want to waste my time or theirs...if somebody had a medical condition, when would you want to know? you need a real man...not a wimp | |
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