| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 5:08:38 PM | I have this uncanny knack for scaring away girls I'm strongly attracted to, *sigh*. It usually starts with my wondering if perhaps she's not as into me as I'm into her...
In the latest instance, I started to notice that she wasn't returning most of my calls (she was a bit more consistent returning texts, though), and I made the juvenile mistake of *increasing* the frequency of my attempts to contact her over the weekend (from about once every 2 or 3 days to a daily text message since Friday)--I didn't get any reply from her--I finally called and left her a voice mail last night asking if she'd like to go out to dinner again (it'll be our third time going out, if she ever decides to do so). I then foolishly sent her yet another text a few minutes ago--knowing full well that she probably only got back from work a little while earlier--asking her to reply to my voice mail from yesterday. I got back a text saying that she's busy this whole week and the weekend (I already knew about her travel plans for the weekend, though), and that she'll get back to me when she has time.
Well, it appears that even if I still have a chance with her, I'm barely hanging on by a thread--should I just flush my phone down the toilet or something?
Nah, scratch that--my real question is, how do I keep from turning into such a desperate/needy loser nearly every time I find a girl I'm really attracted to? I don't seem to have this problem when I'm not completely blown away by a girl--I'm generally able to maintain a cool head, but what's the use? I'm obviously going to chase after the girl I'm truly smitten with only to summarily shoot myself in the foot.  | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 5:17:37 PM | Lol. I get like that, exactly like that. I have no idea how to change it. But I can't wait for the responses.
In fact, I was absolutely determined not to contact this guy that I went on two dates with now, and then I got so excited about my new phone that I just HAD to text him. And now I feel like a total moron again.
Aaaaaah! | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 5:23:53 PM | lol....
Serial...something comes to mind 
You already know the answer.... Don't go off on a "I have to speak to you, I need you, I want you to reply, why aren't you replying, waiting, waiting, darn, have to send another text, oh lord, please reply this time, bugger okay one more:"...
CONTROL. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 5:27:56 PM |
lol....
Serial...something comes to mind
You already know the answer.... Don't go off on a "I have to speak to you, I need you, I want you to reply, why aren't you replying, waiting, waiting, darn, have to send another text, oh lord, please reply this time, bugger okay one more:"...
CONTROL.
Easier said than done--I ought to know, 'cause I'm a control engineer by profession--ah, the irony. :-( | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 5:33:23 PM | You need diversion therapy, (it may be aversion, but heck I'm not a professional..well not really) when you get the urge to call and you know it's not a good idea, either have something else to DO to distract you until the urge passes or make it difficult to do (lock your phone in your car...IE).
Let's see (minimum half hour....carry the seven) that'll be $95, where can I mail the bill?  | |
|
| |
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 6:09:03 PM | Stop allowing yourself to fall into one-itis. In other words, you shouldn't ever allow yourself to be "smitten" with anyone you are not in a committed relationship with. Because prior to that, they are not yours. Even if the two of you have gone out on a few dates.
The best way to make sure you don't fall into this trap - never date only one woman at a time when you are not in a relationship. Always make sure you have options. When you have options, you will automatically stop behaving in desperate ways. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 6:09:25 PM | Don't contact her again EVER! Unless she contacts you. That is the only way to salvage this.
Funny how the heart has a mind of it's own..."control engineer"! LOL! | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 6:17:18 PM | | As you get older, you learn to curb that. Once you chase a few good ones off - you learn to stop before you start. Sort of like drinking and hangovers. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 6:32:08 PM |
When you have options, you will automatically stop behaving in desperate ways.
I don't agree--this can only be true if at least one other option is very nearly as enticing as numero uno.
Don't contact her again EVER! Unless she contacts you. That is the only way to salvage this.
Funny how the heart has a mind of it's own..."control engineer"! LOL!
That's sound advice for the next 10 to 14 days, but what if she never contacts me? There's always a chance that she might be too busy to go out on a date (weekends are generally our best option, and she'll be travelling out of state this weekend)...moreover, she's been a bit under the weather lately (I believe her, 'cause she sounded like she had a stuffy nose on the phone), so it could also mean that she's been very ill.
I personally think it'd be safe for me to call and say hi after a couple of weeks, provided she's still interested in me--if not, it's better that I know sooner rather than later, so that's yet another reason I ought to contact her...say, sometime between 2 or 3 weeks having passed without any calls or emails from her.
Since we've gone out a couple of times, I think I'm entitled to a straight answer if she decides to move on--thoughts? | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 7:26:22 PM | If she never contacts you....
then contacting her again certainly won't help in that regard.
LOL
At this point, accept that you may have blown it.
But may not have had a chance to begin with.
Which is why you are so insecure about her cuz you sensed it.
not saying you did blow it.
But just cool your jets and turn down the hormones.
If she may...possibly...think you have potential....
she'll contact you next week apologizing for not doing so sooner.
It will be her way of slowing you down.
Reply nonchalantly that it is OK, you went out and did stuff and had fun anyways.
And text back and forth for a week or so before you ask her out again.
(very nonchalantly)
It is our wild attraction to a girl that does us in.
And gets in the way.
Loose that and you'll be smooth.
Accepting you may have blown it and dealing with her on a more even keel may do the trick. Which if she does see you again....is what she wants.
With women, the less intense you are in the beginning.
The more intense they become if the attraction is mutual.
Good Luck. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 8:04:07 PM | | ^^^^^ Stray cat nailed it! Please teach a class to the men of POF on this subject. Maybe we can teach a dual class...you teach how not to chase off women by being too needy and desperate and I'll teach one on how to KISS! UGH. My two pet peeves. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 8:35:03 PM |
Since we've gone out a couple of times, I think I'm entitled to a straight answer if she decides to move on--thoughts?
I think she's given you your answer and you're not listening...
After a couple of dates, OP, I don't think you're "entitled" to anything. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 8:35:09 PM | I don't agree with the whole, 'play it cool/aloof in the beginning' tactic. If I'm truly into someone, I'm going to let them know. If they can't handle that, they can go hide their emotions behind their blankey with somone else. If they aren't feeling 'it', fine...they can go look for someone else with whom to share their blankey.
OP, I think in order to figure out how to stop 'what' you're doing...you first need to figure out 'why' you're doing it. Abandonment issues? Past GF's, parents, death of a close friend or family member? Situations and experiences make us who we are...whether cold and controlling...or, clingy and smothering.
Reflect and figure it out.
~ds~ | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 8:51:45 PM |
I don't agree with the whole, 'play it cool/aloof in the beginning' tactic. If I'm truly into someone, I'm going to let them know. If they can't handle that, they can go hide their emotions behind their blankey with somone else. If they aren't feeling 'it', fine...they can go look for someone else with whom to share their blankey.
:up: At a minimum, I need to be able to have a conversation with the woman I'm dating, and I think the calls every other day or so weren't overkill until a couple of days ago, when I started to go a bit overboard. I would never call or send a text and say something along the lines of "I was thinking of you." The closest I ever get to that is something like "How was your day?" I generally prefer to just make normal, everyday conversation--about the big game this past weekend, about something in the news that grabbed my attention, about a new gig by a favourite local band, etc.
OP, I think in order to figure out how to stop 'what' you're doing...you first need to figure out 'why' you're doing it. Abandonment issues? Past GF's, parents, death of a close friend or family member?
Inexperience. Yeah, I think that just about sums it up. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 10:29:04 PM | Don't you wish they had a class at school about "The Rules of Engagement" for dating...
We would all know how it works and play by the book.
Alternatively of course, we could just be vocal and straightforward and tell people how we feel, and spare everyone the angst and pain of wondering does she/he likes me? Wants to see me again? Should I call?
We just delight in making our lives complicated.
I'm just saying...
 | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/5/2009 11:23:01 PM | | I'm going to agree with David. If I really like someone I appreciate the daily connection. You need to learn the difference between calling to share your day and calling to ask "are you still interested in me?". Also you need to remember that how you behave in the beginning sets the expectations for the future so if you aren't the kind that will keep up the frequent calls don't start out that way. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/6/2009 12:30:54 AM | Have to agree with Stray Cat as well....
And, I don't agree with texting and talking about the football game, or the band either, that's I don't know, highschool stuff.
You ask her how her day was, did she miss you followed by a laugh, no, no, only joking...
You just don't text, hang about and make her curious and wonder if your actually interested, I don't think there's one rule for a male and one rule for a female, rather, the anticipation instead of the "red flags"... | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/6/2009 5:45:30 AM | OP - I'm a little different and I know it...but I don't believe in NOT acting true to yourself, ever. If you want to call - call. If you call "too much" (whatever that is) and it drives her away - you aren't on the same wavelength. I don't believe there is such a thing as too needy or clingy...because I bet every single person who has said that about someone would totally change their tune if the RIGHT someone acted that way. The best relationships of my life have just been whirlwinds - boom, we met and that was IT. And we both wanted it that way.
Nothing wrong with starting out slow and keeping it cool for a while, blah blah blah...unless of course that isn't what you want to do. Always be true to yourself. Otherwise - it's just games that everyone claims to hate. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/6/2009 5:45:56 AM | I think I'm entitled to a straight answer
well..... GAAHHH!!! lose the entitlement complex, will ya? it's f#cking dangerous. it's also pretty obnoxious when the other person finds out about it. and an entitlement complex + insecurity is the equivalent of emotional toxic waste.....
just sayin'. because i think you're feeling a little insecure.... thus the tendency to make too many calls. get some self-assurance. don't hang all your hopes and excitement on somebody just because you get some real good feelings out of it right away.... it takes time for good relationships to develop. in the meantime, as things are just starting out and if somebody is sincerely interested in you, they will definitely let you know.... they will reciprocate.... unless they're game-players in which case i'd think you wouldn't want them in your life anyway. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:10:43 AM | cookie22222:
Nothing wrong with starting out slow and keeping it cool for a while, blah blah blah...unless of course that isn't what you want to do. Always be true to yourself. Otherwise - it's just games that everyone claims to hate.
This sounds all good and fine but the reality is not everyone is coming from a balanced, healthy place. Therefore they may do and say things that are detrimental to developing a healthy relationship.
I think it's great the OP is checking himself and seeing the error of his ways. Even if this relationship doesn't work out for him, he can interrupt this behavior next time before it starts. Learning is always good!
I personally am completely turned off by this kind of behavior even if I really like the guy. It shows me he is needy and insecure. PLUS it puts me in control, which I don't like. I want an equal partner. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:35:11 AM | Congratulations....you have officially turned her off. SHE THINKS YOU'RE A PEST and is politely claiming she is busy to avoid you all together.
I had a guy contacting me alot in one week. First off, I hate talking on the phone so contacting me once a week just to make plans is sufficient. I had this guy who would ding me text messages a few times a day. What got me was I specifically told him I had work to do at home and would get back to him when I was not busy. But he STILL dinged me anyways...what's worse is that I told him one day it was the wrong time to chat because I was in the midst of lying down on the bed with a migraine and he still contacted me anyways! Yay you can just imagine how much he was starting to annoy the CRAP out of me!!! I did really like him at first...then suddenly his neediness was such a turnoff that I thought of " Yuck" whenever I thought of his face! And trust me, he is VERY attractive by first impression...that's how much my opinion on him did a 180!!!
Switch the tables around....have you ever had a girl contact you alot and did a follow up after you didn't bother returning her texts or calls? What did it make the person look like to you??? Probably someone who needs to get a life eh?!
I know what its like to be totally crazy about someone and having the urge to contact them but I stopped myself by turning off my cell whenever I had the urge to call him and by keeping busy. I knew I was only sabotaging my chances with him if I were to repeatedly contact him. It helps to maintain your self dignity and say to yourself " I will just call her ONCE and leave at there...if she is interested, she will get back to me". Otherwise, go on with your life....which I assume you would have!
PS- If I read correctly....it said you have only been on two actual dates so far with this girl....sorry but you are NOT entitled to any explaination if she suddenly drops off the planet. And considering your excessive contacting...I can't believe you still want to contact her in a few weeks. Trust me, she probably told her girlfriends about this guy whom she didn't mind at first but has suddenly turned her off because he was a cling-bat. After you contact her again in a few weeks....doesn't matter how harmless a "hi" or " how are things" line is...she will still think you are weird. In fact, she will be saying to her friends " WTF? Doesn't he get the hint?!?" If you wanna salvage this...if there is even any hope...wait for HER to call you!!! | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/6/2009 10:07:25 AM |
If I really like someone I appreciate the daily connection.
So do I, and after two dates is not too soon for that - when the feeling is mutual!
You need to learn the difference between calling to share your day and calling to ask "are you still interested in me?"
Right, then there's that. Content may have been a problem here. Impossible to know without hearing/seeing the messages, but worth considering. Whining will turn off anyone, whether they like a lot of contact or not.
OP, if it isn't the content, then I'd say the problem is not that you are tending to contact too much, but that you are tending to go for women who don't feel as strongly drawn to you as you do to them. Better to find that out early rather than invest a lot more time and emotion in it only to find it out later!
Editing to add, yes, it's over with this girl. Anyone who doesn't want to talk to you for a week, doesn't want to talk to you. Sorry. | |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/6/2009 10:48:32 AM | ^^^^The more I read what you post, the more I like you. You make absolutely perfect sense here.
"Editing to add, yes, it's over with this girl. Anyone who doesn't want to talk to you for a week, doesn't want to talk to you. Sorry."
Ditto. Even if I have the flu I'd call or text or reply back to a guy I'm interested in. A stuff nose doesn't qualify as her death bed and I'm sure she made it to work and had breaks to get back to you.
So a week is a little long to go without an answer, but that probably is the answer.
| |
|
| GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-(
Posted: 10/6/2009 10:58:15 AM | If someone isn't responding to your calls, they're not interested. If they're interested, busy or not, they'll make the time- especially with something like text messages that can be responded to anywhere, at any time.
If they don't respond? Why would you waste your time on someone who's not interested? No one likes having to tell a person "I don't like you, go away." They tend to just ignore you, hoping you'll leave them alone, without them having to be mean. The more you email/text/call without a response, the more irritating you appear, and the less they like you, until they may just call you to say "You're crazy, go away."
If you send more than 2 messages without a response, move on!!! | |
|
Home
login 
