| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/6/2009 12:02:07 AM | I'm about 28 and I've never been a part of the dating scene for several reasons. After my first year of college I started working at a unionized job in the evenings. Although I have no problem with clubs or concerts I don't feel comfortable meeting women in places like that because their not laid back enough places where you can talk and get to know women well.
Also, after going with my brother and his college freinds to bars and clubs I found it to not be an enjoyable experience.
I was made fun of as a kid so I never developed a confident sensibility for the whole going out by yourself and meeting people thing. I do have freinds but I don't have many that are the type that are for going for functions.
I work late hours still but finally have Saturdays and Sundays off. I'm at a total loss with how to have a social life. I came on these sites thinking it would be easier to talk to women since there would be the possibility to be more detailed than starting with just a one liner or such.
I hate being suggested to meet women through, shopping markets, coffee shops, or the library. It feels Awkward. I mean I once had a beautiful woman that lived across from where I live who wen't to school with me when I was in grade 4. She probably only said hi because she recognized me but because it felt awkward I only said hi back and felt in capable of continuing the conversation after that.
It's not like im afraid of women but I hate getting into situations that might make me look stupid. I prefer to be in situations that allow peope to talk to one anouther and for it to flow naturally.
I'm getting older and I wan't things to change but I wan't to meet people within my age bracket. The lowest I would go in age is 24 or 25. But I'm sincerely considering women from 27 to 32 the most. I kind of feel better about getting into the dating game now because hopefully people are more laid back and mature. I don't wan't someone thats still in the party phase but I do wan't to meet someone who I can have fun with as well. I feel like I didn't get to enjoy life as much as I could have the past few years.
I'm just wondering what kind of options are there for the late 20's 30 year old crowd in terms of dating. Since people tend to go to more mature laid back places to have fun. Also, people don't go out as much since their working full time and have careers.
Internet dating seems too difficult because without the presence there, it's just too easy for women to not even at least try to get to know you before they decide whether it's a win or fail. I've only managed 2 dates in 5 years on this place. I can't see it for the life of me working.
Now the thing is I don't want to sound like one of those people that is desperate to marry or find someone before I reach a certain age. I just would like to enjoy my early years before they pass me by. Since I never really got to do so in my early 20's and high school years.
I'm not expecting a relationship to be serious but I would definately like to build up dating and relationship experience with women. Or find someone that I can enjoy life with before I reach my mid thirties. Which with the way I'm like at the moment. I could wake up fifty without ever having a relationship.
I know im going to be told to go up to people and stuff like that. Yet I wan't to start on a more easier note. I don't have many of the freinds that could introduce me to women.
I'm not ashamed about not dating or being a virgin but in terms of self respect. I can't respect myself if I can't at least be capable of building some experience with dating or holding even a temporary relationship with someone. It just dosen't feel right for this stuff to keep lagging on like it has for me.
I think im very out of touch with the social pecking order as well. I got too hurt and my temper is bad because I always felt out of place among groups of people. I'm not very mainstream in character and I find myself being the type that won't conform to whats normal or accepted by the majority. I have this ingrained in my character.
So im wondering what could I do. This site seems like the worst thing I ever tried to find relationships on. It just dosen't work for a person like me. I don't know if most public places are good for me to meet people at. I feel like I'm at a loss.
I have to know whats suitable for my age bracket in terms of places to go to etc. I have to at least do something. In order to get in touch with things and no longer feel like i'm watching everything from an invisible window I can't get through. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/6/2009 12:14:50 PM | | Sigh maybe I came off as a jerk or a self pity. I just don't have a grasp on life at all I see it around me but I don't feel like I'm a part of it. I just want to understand all of this. Since society feels alien to me. I actually considered at times the hermit lifestyle. Not seriously but in a temptation sort if way. I just want perspective I need to beleive there are ways to make things work because currently I look at everything and don't understand a thing. What does a person do to feel like their a part of things without compromising their integrity. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/6/2009 1:10:57 PM | Forget about the dating thing for now. One of the turn offs in dating a guy is when he's socially awkward. Do your own thing, join a club or group...maybe a local book club, volunteering somewhere that's full or people your age. Just enjoy interacting with others. The dating thing will happen.
I wouldn't rely on a dating site to get yourself back on track, bad idea. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/6/2009 1:55:45 PM | Do volunteer work for a woman's organization you care about and try to just make friends until you can build your confidence.
They will help you to socialize and slowly you can start asking women out.
It's going to be a long hard road for you, so be patient and appreciate the little victories.
Or throw yourself to the wolves, get crucified and maybe you can pick up the pace.
Just make sure you have money for therapy. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:10:26 PM | Hello there
Think I'm in a similar position in many ways. Find it hard to know what I want from women too Also I'm too shy to ask and usually just assume they won't be interested and rule myself out when it should be their decision not mine!
If you do decide to keep going on here for a while - and It can't do any harm, I reckon you ought rewrite your profile. Its probably a little too dark for most women! I realise that its a statement of who you are and what you believe in and that you want people to accept you for who you are (is your handle a reference to the Misfits song of the same name? Bit macarbre but a good song as long as she doesn't ask you to repeat the lyrics.)
I'd be inclined to make the profile a bit shorter and concentrate on the type of lady you'd like to meet, what you stand for, whats important to you etc. Try to avoid any bitterness as life's too short (and all that). Probably best not to include 'the ending of organized religion' and other rants as people tend to be intimidated by agressive writing.
Best of luck and don't give up just get out there enjoy yourself and try and spread a little happiness.javascript:smilie(' ')
ForestTom Glos UK - Still trying to be hopeful too! | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:53:44 PM | If you are looking for a woman in her 30's you would first need to start acting like a man. Now maybe your profile is up for years but it reads like a teenagers. There is nothing on it that would convice a woman in her late 20's/30's that you are a mature man capable of the responsibilities that go with a relationship. You need to delete the zombies, cartoons, comics, transformers stuff this instant, in fact you need to go to your room and gather up all that stuff and throw it out. also the slightly schizophrenic conversation you have with your robot "shooing away the woman" is very telling, I dont need to be a shrink to analyse that!
You need to do some work on yourself first my friend!! Honest, it reads like you are stuck in adolescence, you may need therapy to move forward. I hope this isnt too harsh, and you are strong enough to take some honest feedback, take it on the chin, and call a good therapist! You wont know yourself. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:42:51 PM | Don't join any organizations that will put you in an awkward position. (E.G. Women's shelters as someone above suggested) You want to learn how to be with normal people, not people in need of rescue. You need to rescue yourself first.
Go and take ballroom dance classes. Trust me on this one. You will meet interesting people, and learn to move with confidence, act with confidence, and interact with people with confidence. There is nothing better than asking a lady to dance, and completely blowing her mind as you pirouette her around the dance floor making her appear as graceful and beautiful as any starlet. There will be a line of people who want to be the next to dance with you.
Now that ideal situation above, you can screw up. Here are some pointers.
0.) Buy dance shoes. It will really help and dancing in the standard thick rubber/leather shoes we typically wear is far less graceful.
1.) Wear deoderant/anti-perspirant. No one wants to dance with Spongebog Stinkypits. Also breath mints are a good idea. You are going to have your face within 18 inches of someone elses. Don't chew gum...it makes it harder to dance gracefully.
2.) Dress attractively. Any salesperson in any decent men's shop will help you find a look that is right for you, and stylish. Stick with classically attractive suits, ties, slacks, shirts, and shoes. You don't want to have to spend a fortune every weekend for the latest trend that looks rediculous in a week.
3.) Don't fret about missing a step...the beautiful thing about dance is that it is somewhat open to interpretation. And for the love of all that is holy, don't stop and apologize whenever you screw up. Grin, and spin her a few times, and all will be forgotten. Unless you broke her toe.
4.) Don't give up.
Cheers,
DPR | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:48:31 PM | First of all, work on being a little more succinct.
Second, I think you're really sabotaging yourself. You brought up just about every way humanly possible to meet someone, only to dismiss all those possibilities as impossibilities. Plus, you've got lots of weird little age requirements, etc. If you don't loosen up a bit, you won't live long enough to find someone.
I recommend going to bars, getting drunk and having one-night stands until one of them sticks. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:14:15 PM | Avoid 30 something women like the plague. 98% of them are completely fucked in the head.
Most are pissed off and jaded at being divorced by a guy they shouldn't have married in the first place. The others are so screwed up and confused they aren't worth the effort to talk to. The 2% that are normal (talking single women here) either aren't into you or have so much attention you need to extraordinary for them to notice - or they simply don't go out, use the net, and keep to themselves.
Date 20 something and 40 somethings.
Trust me on this. When you hit the big three o stick with the 20 somethings. When you move closer to your mid-30's start going out with 40 somethings. You don't want or need the nightmare/headache that comes with a 30 something female. You're just asking for an addiction to asprin. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:46:21 PM | I have had zero dates on this site ,so you are doing a lot better than I am...
As others have already replied, try joining a group, maybe a church singles group if you are somewhat religious..
I have never met a women at a club or bar either, it seems that you have to try to hard to get the girl to be interested in you and there isn't enough time to make a good impression of yourself.
My last 2 serious relationships have been with women I have worked with and I also have dated women that I have been in class with, its a lot easier as you are not there specifically to start a relationship; it just tends to happen as they get the chance to know who you are in a longer period of time. So if you don't have many women working at your job than the best thing is to get involved with a group where you will spend a lot of time with the same women who can than get to know you better and go from there... Good Luck! | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/6/2009 9:01:11 PM |
I wouldn't rely on a dating site to get yourself back on track, bad idea. I wish more people would take your advice. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:46:02 PM | I am sure it took a lot of guts for you to post your issue here. Congrats for doing that! I read through your profile. It may just be me, but it seems like you are trying really hard to be funny. Don't. You need to simplify your profile. You need to tone down the kid stuff. Have a friend help you re-write your profile. Don't take it to heart. Some people are better at descriptive writing than others.
In your post, you sound a little anti-social. It would probably be a good idea to join some sort of group that makes you interact with others. Therapy might actually be a good idea...but you have to want it and be willing to put in the effort. Meeting someone isn't going to make you happier if you are not happy about yourself.
There are women in their 30's who are nice and not at all bitter. There is bitterness in every group of people...and if that is what you are looking for...that is what you will find.
Good luck!
You have a | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/7/2009 9:01:18 PM | Basically dating is a socially based activity, so you need to be used to striking up conversations with strangers and going places with the intent to meet new people, alone or not. There's no way to avoid having to put yourself out there. Even meeting people online only postpones the inevitable; you still have to go somewhere and meet someone you don't know and break the ice all over again.
Anything that feels awkward feels that way because you're not used to it. In order to get used to it you have to do it until it's not uncomfortable anymore. Everyone has to go through the motions in order to feel at ease talking to people in a social setting.
There's no easy way to do this. And no one wants to look stupid. That's a human thing - but if people never took risks out of fear of how they'd look, we'd all still be living in the stone age.
If you ain't nervous, you ain't living. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/13/2009 10:48:43 AM | | lol' stay away from this guy more like. Ironically it sounds as though he crashed and burned by 30yr old. You prob have more in common with 20yr old seeing as you sound socially inept or worse retarded. This is the best time for me to date as im more secure more loving and wise to the bull. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/13/2009 10:54:06 AM | | p.s my first reply was directed at Cinsav. Didnt want to offend the poor guy who asked the question. Just him. Lol' | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/15/2009 8:51:45 AM | If you are looking for a woman in her 30's you would first need to start acting like a man. Now maybe your profile is up for years but it reads like a teenagers. There is nothing on it that would convice a woman in her late 20's/30's that you are a mature man capable of the responsibilities that go with a relationship. You need to delete the zombies, cartoons, comics, transformers stuff this instant, in fact you need to go to your room and gather up all that stuff and throw it out. also the slightly schizophrenic conversation you have with your robot "shooing away the woman" is very telling, I dont need to be a shrink to analyse that!
That stuff is part of my identity. I'm, never going to throw it out. I guess I just can't be honest about things that I like without it being misunderstood if it isn't something thats more socially accepted by the majority.
I know lots of males that are within my age group and older who are married, have families and still like all of those things and are also collectors.
Plus I tried to be funny but I guess it didn't work.
It's more my antisocial attitude thats probably a product of adolescence than anything else.
I also have these interests because I wanted to be a comic book artist and writer. And I like to keep up with comics to have an idea of whats going on in the industry these days. Some people like fine art, while I like comic book art. So what, it took talent to do either piece of work. I don't need to pretend that I'm a bigger fan of the sistine chapel over a issue of spiderman just because it will make me look more mature and sophisticated. I realize why the Sistine chapel is a superior piece of art. It just dosen't appeal to me in the same way because I don't feel a sense of connection with it. While I can better relate to Spiderman. Plus honestly a lot of comics are being written for adults now becaue of videogames young adults don't read like before and if they do it's on the internet. So, I really don't know what to say.
I find that if you want to someday write a comic and you arrogantly think you don't need to study the subject material or read them at all. What happens is that when you make your attempt. It dosen't matter if you read Nietszche, or whatever. You will still end up not knowing how to write a comic book. So in part my interest is work related.
Remmeber that in the end it's adults that create all of these things that go into the hands of younger people.
Right not though I just haven't been able to focus on those goals because of health issues and work. Still, I pursue what interests me. I just want to be respected for that and thats why I had the unabashed lack of shame to be honest about liking stuff that the majority don't at my age. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/15/2009 10:16:55 AM | OP- You seem like an intelligent person. First of all you should never deny who you are to make people like you or want to talk to you. That is just going to set you up for failure. The first thing that you have to remember is you have to like and be happy with yourself before anyone else can. Once you have acheived that things will just start to fall in line. Also you have to put your self out there a little bit if you want something to change. Because the definition of Insanity is do the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. What you should do if fine things that you are interested in and join in. Because then you will be putting yourself in situations with people that have the same interests and then you will have a good start. Because you will have something to start talking about. And through that you will meet different people and it will start to open you up to meeting people.
And as far as the comics and collectibles, there is nothing wrong with that and you do not have to throw them away. But at first meeting you wouldnt want to start off with those kind of things. Because they can put some people off.
I do wish you luck in trying to find what you are looking for. But I would say find yourself first and then look for the others. Just remember step outside the box and try something different. And do not let the past define who you are. People can change but only if they are changing for themselves. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/15/2009 11:49:12 AM | Skulls: I've noticed that most of the people responding don't even live in toronto, so they dont really know what's it like for single guy in this city. But I do, so let me give you some tips on what works.
1) Go to meetups.com, and join a club that you like. This puts in touch with likeminded individuals, but make sure one of those clubs relates to something physical - ie. indoor soccer, wall-climbing,etc. Ideally, you want to also join a club that has a higher number of women, but is not flaming. Wine and cheese groups are a good candidate, and if anyone calls you on it, just say that you want to learn more about wines.
2) your interests scream geek, which is not something that women appreciate, not on the first date or on the second. After they get to know you, then bring it out.
3) Do not try to meet people in Malls, clubs, or at the gym. Most torontonian women have a well deserved reputation for being standoffish, and will consider this an invasion of their personal space. Why else do you think they put up so many barriers between themselves and the outside world. I swear, between the iphones, cellphones, ipods, sunglasses, etc, it's amazing people even hook up at all. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about since you work at the ttc, and know how people act on the subway. People crammed together in an amazingly small space doing everything they can not to make eye contact. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.
4) Mention in your profile if you live by yourself, which is a big plus. In fact, anything that describes material success is good. Women in toronto are bombarded with options and money is a good leg up on the competition. People will say that its not, but everyguy knows this to be true from first hand experience. Say that you like to polish your gold rolex watch collection in your spare time....lol.
5) Talking about humour - ditch it in the profile. The internet is horrible place for sarcasm, cause people can't hear the inflections used.
6) Lastly, chapters is your best friend. Lots of single women go there and with starbucks attached to everyone, it provides a safe environment for pick ups. There was one time I had nothing to do on a friday night, and popped in there to get something to read. The number of women to men was at least 3 to 1, and they weren't travelling in their packs either. It was very easy to saddle up to a women and say "hi, that's an interesting book" and so on, and to quickly transition that into a coffee chat thanks to the aforementioned starbucks. You might even be so bold as to slip in one of your sci-fi/comic books in your pile to see how she reacts.
7) One more thing - avoid the tempation to go to the clubs in Toronto. Unlike in other cities like montreal, the clubs here are not really meat markets. Women come with their boyfriends, split up to get a few ego strokes while being drink whores, and then will rejoin their boyfriends at the end of the night. Its a wellknown tactic. The times they dont do that, they are travelling in their packs for protection....unless you are a really good pua, don't bother.
E-mail me if you have any questions..... | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/15/2009 12:49:34 PM | "in fact you need to go to your room and gather up all that stuff and throw it out"
DON'T THROW IT OUT DUDE!!!!! just box it up and hide it in the garage or attic. that shit is gonna be worth BILLIONS when your old, lol.
As far as the girl thing just join a group(s) and meet people, then set up a movie or dinner or workout routine, whatever. I have dated people I worked with but I don't necessarily advise that, it can work, but it also can get a little ugly at work if things go south. Trust me you don't want that drama at your work.
good luck and keep us posted | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/15/2009 8:11:35 PM | Don't forget the Cindy dolls!
tbf. That was pretty ruthless. Shouldn't matter if he likes that sort of thing. Each to their own. Having a relationship with somebody, *IS* not about what they have personally. Because no matter what they may not like what you feel or like. It's called *INDIVIDUALITY* OR LIFE WOULD BE DEAD DOLL. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/15/2009 10:12:28 PM | | Sometimes you have to let things happen naturally. If you are shy or socially challenged...join a social club. Your profile states you are into art. So join a local art club. Network with people who share the same interests. It'll make things so much easier if you are surrounded by people who share the same passion as you. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/15/2009 10:51:35 PM | Ok brother here's what I think.
You are trapped in yourself. Stop analyzing. Quit thinking about it. Just freakin' stop. Just go be. Be one with whatever you choose to be involved in. Don't try to impress. Don't try to pick up. Be observant to your surroundings & when you catch yourself analyzing them acknowledge it, laugh at yourself for it & move on away from that state of mind.
Try to involve yourself with activities that you are already confident with. Groups, volunteering & stuff like that are great ideas. The more you stay trapped in yourself the more time you will be by yourself. Make sense? The woman for you is out there. And she likes you for you. Sometimes to find yourself you first have to let go of your pre-conceived notions. And until you find yourself, SHE isnt gonna find you either.
The great thing about embarassment & unsurety is, it doesnt hurt, doesnt last, & doesnt really matter to anyone but you. Let it go. Jump in to life with both feet & dance in the puddle. Why care what others may or may not think of you? Drop the ideas that you must be a certain way. And the idea that others are oh so different. Thats not reality. Reality is we're all the same with just minute differences. Once you start enjoying what you have then others will magically be there to share in the party. But if you dwell, then my brother, you dwell alone.
PEACE | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/17/2009 7:29:05 AM | Dude...are you a virgin?... You sound antisocial. Or maybe you have a phobia about public places. Maybe you're just nuts. I'm just kidding. I understand how you feel. I feel kinda awkward too meeting strange people in a public place and trying to get to know them and see if I might like them or not from that one meeting. I do it anyway. Sometimes we hit it off...Sometimes we dont. It's just the chance you take. Good luck. | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/17/2009 9:14:53 PM | "I recommend going to bars, getting drunk and having one-night stands until one of them sticks."
best response... i always give my friends that advice, especially after they've broken up with their gf and feel confused | |
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| A question for people in their 30's.
Posted: 10/17/2009 10:39:00 PM | Have you tried finding support groups for your health issues? Granted that I don't know what issues you have but for some things there are groups that may help in getting out there some. I'm thinking if the issues are things like cancer, depression/anxiety, or other conditions that may be common enough for there to be such groups. Meetup.com is a good idea for where to go and try to find groups to help build up your network.
There are likely 4 ways that you'll meet someone:
1) Friends and family along with their friends and family. While you mention that you don't have many friends, you don't mention family at all.
2) Neighbors and other people that live near you. In my own case this would be people I see in the elevator or getting their mail or sorting recyclables for a few places where I may run into someone and have some smalltalk.
3) Co-workers and other people where you work. This may or may not work but it is where some relationships start.
4) Group settings where people meet for various reasons. This may be seen as a bit of a catch-all and in a way it is. This is those groups that if there is a weekly bowling or playing cards kind of club those are another way to meet people. You could look at groups that are like self-help or life coaching groups for another idea of where you could find people.
While I haven't had dates off of this site, I have gotten into a few social clubs which does help with some of my anxiety/depression issues in terms of facing fears and getting past them. Do I enjoy what I have gotten from being here the past 9 months? Yes. Is it what I initially thought I'd find? Not really, but sometimes life will work things out better than what one initially expected.
As a parting thought, consider this idea:
Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.
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