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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?      Home login  
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 JazzDaddy
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 1
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I was just reading somebody else's post and it got me to wondering. when you meet someone and there is no connection, no chemistry, no...nothing, but the person is really cool, decent, nice, attractive even but you just don't FEEL IT, how many more dates would you go on with this person before you let them know "its not you, its me" or "hey, just not feeling" or however you would decide to let them know that you don't want to see them again?

I generally do not write off anyone after a first date unless it is just a really obviously bad date and somebody I would totally NOT be interested in. But when you find yourself across the dinner table with someone and there isn't anything wrong with them but you're just not feeling them, I say try another date with this person and another venue, change of scenery, activity and see how it goes.

For myself, it depends, the most I've done is four dates with not feeling anything and there being no connection. You feel like you're really kinda just spinning your wheels. So, this last time four was it for me.

How many is it for you?
 guyd42
Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 2
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No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:24:52 AM
What the hell is “connection” or “chemistry”? Being in lust? You have it right away or you reject that person despite there could be lots of potential and common interests? No wonder dating leads nowhere....
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 3
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:26:49 AM

the most I've done is four dates with not feeling anything and there being no connection.


I think 4 dates is leading someone on.
 harmless harmless
Joined: 7/6/2006
Msg: 4
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:29:21 AM
lol i guess u just like to have it complex .....it's very simple and i dont know why would you think it's not...it's not going to make u fall in love with this person even if you date her all your life ...u felt it ....

usually u feel it from the first date .....u dont tell people off but i guess they should understand that u dont feel the same way and if they dont then so be it ....it's life , u move on and they'll move on eventually ....and in goes round ...
 guyd42
Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 5
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No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:36:39 AM
"usually u feel it from the first date ....."

Feel what? You don’t even know the person!
 OnlyThis
Joined: 3/31/2009
Msg: 6
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:38:37 AM

I think 4 dates is leading someone on.

Maybe.. but here's an interesting observation...

Sometimes I would go out with someone 2 or 3 times and feel like it just isn't working (nothing you can really put your finger on) so we call it off. However, we would keep in touch (chat, e-mail, etc) and suddenly, when the pressures of dating are removed... everything suddenly seems easy.

I think for some folks it is very hard to just relax and be yourself early on in the dating process... fwiw...
 harmless harmless
Joined: 7/6/2006
Msg: 7
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:44:35 AM
u feel if you are atracted to, knowing someone comes with time , a date it's suppose to make you want to know this person and on top of that want to kiss him, hold his hand,listen to his voice, to make u want to hear more of what he has to say .....


i was madly in love with my boyfriends but i didnt know them ..i only knew a little and what i knew came with time not from the first night ....

connecting ....will mean a smile that may make u feel something inside ...
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 8
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:45:06 AM
2 dates should suffice...........if by the 2nd date I have NO DESIRE to kiss him or allow him to - it's not happening.
 JazzDaddy
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 9
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:47:27 AM
generally it has been 2 for me; it just so happened that the last time it ended up being 4, not to lead anyone but just to make sure as I thought there could have been possibilities but there weren't.
 OnlyThis
Joined: 3/31/2009
Msg: 10
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:54:21 AM

if by the 2nd date I have NO DESIRE to kiss him

Seriously? It takes you two dates to figure out whether or not you want to kiss someone?
 Mikey7619
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 11
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:55:24 AM
Some women have told me they know within the first 30 seconds if they are attracted to a guy or not....
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 12
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No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:56:18 AM
^^^Yeah it's pretty fast. I'd say 30 seconds to 5 minutes. The only reason I would go a date with someone I wasn't 100% into during a first meet is to determine connection beyond attraction. If there is no attraction then there's no reason to plan a date (or continue the meet you're at for very long).

Unless it was someone I got along with enough to hang out with but not date and that person was ok with it. Honestly, unless you want to date a guy most don't want to hang out with you again - so even if you did go on a date to be sure, you'd only be accused of leading them on if they're interested.

Not feeling it is not feeling it. There's no where romantic to go from there.
 james_ny
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 13
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:05:00 AM
i heard that anthem many times on here. "He's a nice guy but no Chemistry" most of the time it's about your looks they dont like something about you physically.

You dont need to go on a 2 or 3 date to see if she's acttracted to you. Unless she's looking for mr perfect.
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 14
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:05:00 AM

Seriously? It takes you two dates to figure out whether or not you want to kiss someone?


Yes, seriously, and 3 if I want to marry him.
 farceur
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 15
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:12:33 AM
They have it in them, but whatever you're doing together isn't bringing it out. Two passive people watching for sparks will have a long wait. Someone needs to be excited, about something. You could be dating a depressed person whose apathy has shut down their capacity to get going. Usually though it's that people will hold still when they sense a mismatch, so as not to encourage enthusiasm. If after trying a few tricks to see what might be their particular way of engaging, they don't respond, then you are wasting your time and need to shut it down. Being a great person is a separate thing from being excited about someone in particular. They have to be nice and all, but then there also has to be some coincidence of personality and fashion sense.
 jazmella
Joined: 2/23/2006
Msg: 16
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:24:20 AM
If I'm unsure about my feelings from the first date, a second date should hopefully confirm whether or not our relationship will progress, romantically. But I think anything more than that is just leading the guy on. I would definitely have to be honest with him and let him know that although he's a great guy, attractive, intelligent, etc...I just can't see us having anything more than a friendship.

It happens, c'est la vie!
 soldiergirl99
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 17
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:31:06 AM
I will have to agree, it takes 30 seconds to tell if I would kiss a guy or not, I know right away. It would only take 1 date to find out if there is chemistry and if it's going to lead somewhere.
 james_ny
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 18
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:32:19 AM
"he's a great guy, attractive, intelligent, etc...I just can't see us having anything more than a friendship"

Well i still dont understand that part.
 jazmella
Joined: 2/23/2006
Msg: 19
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:41:22 AM
lol, james...unfortunately a connection/chemistry/passion can't really be explained. You'll either feel it or you won't. *shrug*
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 20
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No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:53:56 AM
OP -- Two dates is my bar. If there's no zing after the first date, this can almost be expected because both parties are meeting for the first time in person and they may be more nervous and apprehensive than normal. Flubbed words, missed steps, off color commentary...you name it.

So I give it a second go.

If the second go is pretty much the same then this far, no further. I'm just wasting my time and hers as well. I don't need more than two dates to determine if there's anything to "feel". If I don't get it in two dates, I won't get it in 4 or 7 or 100. Doing so would remind me of that poor schmuck who's trying to rub two sticks together to make fire out in the middle of a hurricane. Wasted effort. Round peg...square hole.

Two dates. No more than that.

 miss_contemplative
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 21
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No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:56:21 AM
My policy is 3 dates. If I'm not getting the sense that this is someone I could really "feel" it for, I'll not continue to date him.
 anaglyph
Joined: 7/30/2009
Msg: 22
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No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 10:14:52 AM
This idea of instant attraction, or it's old name, love at first sight, is a currently popular idea. People buy into it. Then they live by it. Then they make it come true.

I don't believe in it.

Sure, you may find someone unappealing right away. And someone may be extremely attractive to you at first sight. Big deal, it does not confer the ability to predict the future.

Personally, after years of knowing someone, I've one day realized that I really like them and find them attractive. They grew on me. I got to know them.

My parents met through a small group of friends in college, over a period of time, not through a series of formalized dating rituals.

As I understand it, this type of socializing is still common. You hang out with like minded people, without the pressure that comes from dating, and over time, as you learn about someone, you pair up.
 RealCountry64
Joined: 9/7/2008
Msg: 23
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 12:31:54 PM
When I first found myself back in the dating scene, I listened to my instincts and did not go out on a 2nd date with those I found no connection with. Then, I started to listen to those who said "but he's such a nice guy, maybe you just need to give him a chance." Each and every time I tried that, I wished I hadn't. I am now back to listening to my gut and calling it as I see it on the first date.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 24
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 12:55:18 PM
I think what you wrote is too vague and interpretive. Everyone would have their own perception on what you mean by that...

If a gal is cool, decent, nice, attractive, but I don't "feel it", and I can't point out why I don't "feel it", then I'm retarded. :)

First, don't go out with someone that you're not that into.

Okay, example:
You go out with nice, cool woman who is attractive, and you know that... but something about her looks just doesn't "click". Much like a gal who's "okay" looking can be hot to you because of something about her looks that strikes a chord, well in this case, an attractive woman that strikes a chord which rubs you the wrong way. You don't want to give up on an attractive girl who's nice & cool, right? Well guess what?! She's not attractive to you. Same can be said about her personality -- something rubbing you the wrong way. In both cases, don't go down the formal dating line with her assuming you're all about her. Will cause problems.

Now, I may not feel it on "the first date" because she's too nervous & quiet, seems too guarded, says a few things that I may not quite like, etc... at the end I think "Okay, she's a good product all around, but it was the -first- date..." If she's apathetic about going out again, then I try it out if her other qualities are especially great, otherwise, no I won't. If she shows genuine interest in going out again, yeah, I'll roll with it and give it another shot.

Of course, during that period of time between, if you're disappointed in her -- guess what? You're wasting your time for a 2nd date 9/10 times. I say learn to know the difference between 1st-meeting oddities one may have and their real qualities and interest level.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 25
No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?
Posted: 10/6/2009 1:10:20 PM
You get one shot at a first impression. You can be NICE all you want, it cant make someone love, lust, desire you. And it wont build a relationship into anything. This isnt a John Hughes teen movie, where if you just pine away long enough you win in the end. Hell Beige is a nice color; who wants beige ?
You should know by the end of the first date. If you aint feeling it, punch the eject, get out early, execute an evasive manuever and come back to fly another hop the next day
(ok, maybe it is more like Top Gun than Pretty in Pink)
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > No connection, no chemistry, no passion...but....they're nice?