|
|
|
|
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:28:56 AM | For this thread, lets just assume that sex is part of the equation. That's the easy part and pretty much a given in most relationships. I don't want to get bogged down in sexual issues, because I really want to talk about the topic. Let's go so far as to say in this thread, that this hypothetical relationship is mutually satisfying in the bedroom. If you have an issue about the sexual part of this equation, please share it, but be aware that this OP is just going to take the concept of good sex for granted because that's my personal experience. If you have other issues, feel free to share.
I want to focus on building emotional bridges.
For myself, the single most difficult part of not having a partner is that I have no one person who's daily experience matters to me as much as my own. Big things, little things, celebrations, disappointments, acceptance, tragedy, joy, weariness, you name it. This is the life we have and it's not always what we expected but we face it together. I have come to identify this as something I want and need in my life.
In a new relationship, as we move into this more intimate realm, sometimes incompatibilities crop up and we become aware that this relationship isn't forever. We've all been disappointed. How many here have been successful?
When I married my husband, I made the mistake of confusing friendship with intimacy. As the years went by, I came to understand that I really was unaware of how he felt about a lot of issues and by the time I realized we had a problem, he found it difficult to change the pattern of communication we had established. He tried, but it was just too difficult. My marriage failed and I have not ever considered getting married again. I figured I had my shot and I blew it. I was well into my 30's before getting married in the first place because I knew I never wanted to be "divorced". After it was over, for quite a long while, I didn't even want to date. I had no desire for sex or even just companionship. I was spent. I secluded myself on an island and stayed there for almost a year. I'm just not a very good hermit, I guess, but it's what I did. After leaving my island, I was involved with a 10 month relationship that wasn't any improvement over my previous attempts. Since then, I have become much more eager to avoid wasting time on dead ends.
I suspect that I will still uncover more work to do in this area but I seem to be healing just fine. Some of us take a little longer than others.
People were meant to live together. Male, female. We come in pairs. Obviously this is the natural order of things, so I am in the process of surrendering to the natural order and I want to be exposed to different ideas and philosophies that I may not have considered before.
This thread was started in the hopes that this community would share your collective wisdom on the basic building blocks of emotional and mental intimacy.
I'm just looking for food for thought. I have a few ideas of my own, but I'd like to hear what you have to say. | |
|
| Fundamentals are the foundation we choose to build life upon to steady us to be an anchor ..
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:50:15 AM | Every person who lives this life chooses a foundation to set their life upon.
You are asking re: fundamentals and there are sound fundamentals to realize before compatibility with a partner can be found.
The world has it backwards with all this immediate gratification and if something is broken then just toss it aside and get
something new in this disposable society.
Think about abortion and how is that any different than the Old Testament people throwing their babies into the searing arms of
Molech as the drum beat in the Valley of Tolpeth?
Think about what is moral and good and how that brings forth good fruit (Gal 6.6-8) vs what is immoral and full of lust
and eyes of greed (James 1.15-19) read in Holy Writ what that brings as surely as the night follows day.
LAW is paramount to finding stability in life. The physical universe is governed by law and yet we live in a world where
even personal responsibility is looked upon with disdain and derision. Where we have a government that not only spends
beyond its means; yet, prints more money to spend beyond any sense of responsibility or integrity whatsoever.
We live in a time where idols are set up all over whether fashion icons, or pop idols, or political idols, or even media American idol
and then people wonder why the same old sins of destruction don't lift anymore today than they did in centuries prior where we know what occurs when people are obsessed with not only narcissism; also, hedonism.
Unless we find (which means initiative and a search is required) the TRUTH of 'all' things then we ought not to expect that
our ignorance, lack of personal responsibility, and downright wickedness will ever bring any real kind of happiness; in fact, wickedness NEVER was happiness.
Pleasure and happiness is NOT the same thing as fleeting amusement and pleasure to find true happiness requires us to GET REAL and SEE THINGS as they really are and come to terms with the fact that the mind may be great; yet, the spirit is greater. Until we start to feed our spirit rather than always fixate on satisfying materiality, sensuality, and rebellious actions against our Creator's laws, commandments, and ordinances then let us not expect to find the truly joyous and wonderful dynamics of this mortal existence when we have no more initiative to seek it out then many today truly seek good books beyond the Harlequinn romance or tantalizing sloppy novels of our time.
Come to understand that the closer we get to absolute truths the MORE simply they can be expressed i.e. H2O H2 SO4, etc.
The sun comes up according to LAW the earth turns on its axis to determine the times and seasons (Eccl 3.1-12) we have truth on the earth yet we have to SEEK it good things always require effort whether it is our garden we cultivate, the vehicle we wash and maintain, so also our mind needs cultivated with good thoughts and our spirits fed with pure diamond truth and not the counterfeits that create a junk yard for the spirit rather than a spirit where out of the abundance of the heart the mouth may speak rather than shallowness and I can testify to this that no amount of sincerity will ever compensate for a lack of the spirit of the Lord; yet, first one has to understand HOW TO obtain that spirit and where it is on this earth that truly identifies seeking first the kingdom of God and His rightenousness because if we neglect this then we end up with our own reward and not His reward for us (Jhn 14.2). All can find it He is no respector of persons yet we have to seek it with Lucifer he will always take the initiaitve with God the initiative lies with us.
We can't understand ourself unless we first understand our Creator. Then we can come to KNOW self then CONTROL self and only then can we truly GIVE o/self. We must first love to learn if we ever expect to learn to love and thus love to live.
Government can't legislate righteousness anymore than a person who wants to find another to share a life with can be
had merely because one wishes it to be so. Like one wise person said, "If wishes were fishes we'd all swim in a brook."
Relationships are not for children they are for adults who have learned not only to grow old but to GROW UP. | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:12:31 AM | OP: Personally, the tools that I would like, and believe will contribute towards a successful relationship; are a commitment to me/our relationship and vice versa, communication (both listening and talking), commonalities (in our beliefs/morales, etc...), and compassionate (nothing greater than being able to lower your "walls" and be yourself with another as there is a sense of trust like no other.
Of course there has to be MIND BLOWING SEX!!! | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:13:37 AM | its nice to know i am not the only person that has this same problem. i think the problem is not that many people really want to do the work needed to make a relationship work. my experience has been that i blame "her" on problems that are really my fault. maybe it is because we don't start a relationship by being honest from the start. after so many rejections we are just glad that someone will have us .we try to plesase or impress them. i do this with out realizing it. and after a while i start to resent the fact that i can't really be myself and things go downhill from there.
the foundation of a good relationship is several things.
>HONESTY
>RESPECT
>FRIENDSHIP
>TRUST
>PATIENCE
>HUMILITY
>GREAT SEX
>HARD WORK
it is so important to start from day one to start with honesty. but be honest with your self too. to be frank sex is more important than we want to admit. but if the sex is not great, it will be hard to think i have committed my life to some one and i have to live forever and never be completly satisfied. great sex can't carry a relationship, but bad sex can destroy one. think about it if you have everything else then sex is the one thing that only the two of you share. | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:13:38 AM |
That's the easy part and pretty much a given in most relationships.
Sex is the easy part for women. Men like sex and so that makes sex easy for women to come by. For men, sex is the hard part. It's actually almost impossible, is how hard it is. This is because what men seek is just not available except rarely and with a few women whose sexuality is suitable for a man's interest, and even then it's hard because of the surrounding reality.
There is a fundamental difference between men and women sexually. You can ignore this and look past it but that's missing the point, overlooking what is the foundation for the rest of the relationship. You'll eventually wind up back looking at the sexual difference to understand the rest.
Sex is the bridge. Build whatever else you want but the man won't cross it with you. You don't know men, is the problem. That's my opinion and I am sure it is wrong, except that from my view, it's not. Ah, the conflict of being un-identical.
The separateness is what creates the need for a bridge, which even if it exists can only lead from one to the other, with nobody being able to leave themselves behind. The metaphor is all wrong. I think instead of a bridge there is the gulf it would span, and the only way to be together is to hurl yourselves into that chasm, and call that falling in love, and whatever solid ground you would have had at either end of the bridge is not suitable for either of you to live together. Life on the bridge itself is no good, either. A goat will come and knock you off. | |
|
| |
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:38:28 AM | I really have to have a lot of intimacy in a good relationship, so I can see why you placed such a high priority on it. First of all, you have to find another person with similar needs for intimacy. Many people are fairly stoic and fairly self-sufficient in this regard. Some are even less inclined to share intimacy as they themselves are not comfortable with self-reflection.
So you have to start with compatible personalities. A person needs to be both capable and interested in cultivating intimacy, and hopefully to the same degree you are. Some levels are going to be even too much for you; there is such a thing as too much intimacy. We all need time alone and indeed, we need some of our own private thoughts as well. This is not being closed off.
For me, intimacy shows that a person is examining their own life and the lives we all live together. That's interesting to me and I like to do the same, as it helps us all muddle through this confusing Life when we can compare good notes. It also helps us to enjoy things more and cope with the harsh turns. Otherwise, we are just coping separately.
I don't think you have to consciously build intimacy, as when you combine two like minded people interested in fostering it, then it happens naturally. Like good sex, it too happens naturally without a lot of micromanaging. I think there is some comfort in that. | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:43:38 AM |
I think anytime you should be searching for the great emotional connection before anything else. You can have great sex without intimacy, love or any type of emotional fulfilment at all.
I concur. That is the MOST challenging aspect when you desire a LTR. Great sex you can get/find in a "heart beat". lol Whereby, the emotional/mental intimacy can take a life time to acquire................. | |
|
| |
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 9:07:44 AM | ^That's not true at all.
Unless you have a connection with someone, you're only having dysfunctional sex with a stranger and that's not "good sex", IMO.
Then again, alot of people have very different ideas about what "good sex" entails.
For me, sex is only possible with someone I actually care about and am attracted to.
That's why I'm so picky about people I date.........I don't do cheap sex or anything short of longterm........so the sex itself actually comes later.
I feel sorry for those who think NSA/FWB sex is "good".
I have higher standards than most men, though.
That is your opinion, and you're entitled to it. However, GOOD SEX does not mean you want a LTR. Good sex for some is just that without the emotional connection. For others (such as yourself), the other elements must be present to have the whole ball of wax.
However, it is definitely easier to obtain a body for hot sex (if you're lucky) than someone that is WILLING/ABLE to go for the long haul (i.e. emotionally invest into a LTR). Hence, how many are single who want MORE. Look at all the FWBs, etc..... | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 9:22:45 AM | I think it's sad that all you require for good sex is a "hot body", which backs up my point about dysfunctional sex.
I'm extremely skeptical.......
I don't share women and the type of women I attract aren't looking to be "shared" either.
If it's about "obtaining" bodies, I'm a personal trainer and routinely turn down the type of women that most guys clamor for.....
What's the point?
Sex is so intertwined with intimacy and the soul that to give it away to a stranger without any connection is just cheap.........it says something about you as well if you engage in that.
I look down on people who give it away so easily........
I'm not sure you've ever had "good sex" because if you had, you'd know that it's much better with someone who "knows" you than with a stranger.
Common sense.
Division: This discussion or at least MY RESPONSE is NOT about me and what I want. So lets try to keep this on a level plain here aka generally speaking.
What I am trying to articulate here is that for MANY "Good Sex" is just that a fawk with NO EMOTIONAL TIES! For you and many others, you NEED EVERYTHING to encompass "Good Sex".
I don't "look down" on anyone that is a consenting adult and wishes to have a FWB or whatever they want. That's nor here nor there, and not my style.
Back to our regularly scheduled program.............
Gotta "love" how many misinterpret one's post, and then want to ASSume what WE want. LMAO!!!! | |
|
| |
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 9:57:31 AM | In my opinion, it’s an illusion to think that you can excluding one emotion or sense from the other and the constant controlled chase, having your cake and eating it too is why so many people can’t make relationships work, because they are trying to “MAKE” them work, on their own plan, schedule and comfort level. We tend to compartmentalize sex, emotion, mental stability and intimacy, as if we can somehow use one without the other. You may be able to for periods of time, but eventually you are left alone and disappointed again.
Maybe instead of asking how to have a good relationship, you could ask, what is a good relationship to you? No judgments, no outside interference, no social pressure, no clap trap pop psychology books, just what it means to you and keep asking until it becomes your idea, not someone else’s. Intimacy (in to me I see) is done first in solitude, it doesn’t need another persons validation. No one can give you intimacy, all you can do is share it, you can’t give it away and it can’t be taken from you, it’s who you are to the core, and if you can’t find it, the never ending chase for something else to fill it continues.
When you can say who you are openly, be totally exposed in front of another without fear of rejection, with no possessive motive or waiting for someone else to validate you, then two people can start having a true relationship, one where both people continue to become a couple. True intimacy shared is two people who can hold there own, open and raw who don’t collapse because another disagrees and continually ask one another with empathy. When you say,”yeah but” your not listening. | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 9:59:53 AM |
When you can say who you are openly, be totally exposed in front of another without fear of rejection, with no possessive motive or waiting for someone else to validate you, then two people can start having a true relationship, one where both people continue to become a couple. True intimacy shared is two people who can hold there own, open and raw who don’t collapse because another disagrees and continually ask one another with empathy. When you say,”yeah but” your not listening.
 | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 10:03:49 AM | Telling the truth (or at least having a capacity to be reasonably truthful) …to one’s self, about one’s self. That is a basic building block of mental and emotional intimacy with one’s self. Without that, intimacy with others is impossible.
And then accepting that truth about one’s self and embracing one’s self, fully and without shame… that, I think, is one of the basic conditions of true intimacy with another.
With that, we can stand in front of another and be our true selves, without armor, without defensiveness, without hiding. And we can accept all the flaws and weakness in the other (and their strengths!), and accept all of them, the complete person. And they, having told that same emotional truth to themselves, and having that same emotional intimacy with themselves, have no need to hide their selves from us. | |
|
PiggyT
|
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 16 | |
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 10:33:54 AM | I think it is all about communication.
If you have the ability to communicate and they do too... then you have a foundation for true intimacy.
Let me clarify (communicate) this a bit though.
Communication is not just throwing out thoughts and feelings and wanting to get your point across. Communication is a two way street and is equal parts sharing & listening. The ability to acknowledge and confirm your understanding of what you feel, and in turn what the other person is saying to you.
Too often communication is not an equal process. If one person spews out a bunch of their feelings while the other is going through a mental grocery list and nodding a faked acknowledgement, then you do not have communication.
All too often we don't want to acknowledge what we have heard because it may not be to our liking or it may include something disturbing in nature.
Communication is the only foundation I am willing to build a relationship on.
Is this thing on? ??? Hello? | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 10:36:11 AM |
I have higher standards than most men, though.
That's a good thing for the women you involve yourself with. But what is morally or ethically important to you or me may be meaningless to others. Actual sexual enjoyment does not require deep feelings and Kinsey proved that decades ago. The bodies sexual response was measured just as highly in strangers as in people who classified themselves as deeply in love. So the OP pointing out that the relationship already had 'great sex' says nothing about the people involved or the level of emotional commitment they have. The afterglow you are talking about comes from a deeper emotional connection which is far harder to achieve.
So sex can be for the pure fun of it and couples should learn not to confuse the two. | |
|
| |
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 10:50:49 AM | When I married my husband, I made the mistake of confusing friendship with intimacy. As the years went by, I came to understand that I really was unaware of how he felt about a lot of issues and by the time I realized we had a problem, he found it difficult to change the pattern of communication we had established. He tried, but it was just too difficult. My marriage failed and I have not ever considered getting married again. I figured I had my shot and I blew it. I was well into my 30's before getting married in the first place because I knew I never wanted to be "divorced". After it was over, for quite a long while, I didn't even want to date. I had no desire for sex or even just companionship. I was spent. I secluded myself on an island and stayed there for almost a year. I'm just not a very good hermit, I guess, but it's what I did. After leaving my island, I was involved with a 10 month relationship that wasn't any improvement over my previous attempts. Since then, I have become much more eager to avoid wasting time on dead ends.
OP, it sounds like you must've had great sex with your ex, but there wasn't much open communication otherwise you would've known how he felt about a lot of issues. Sounds like this person just never allowed himself to open up to you and kept everything to himself.
Like someone has said before, it's far easier to find that great sex than it is to find that person that communicates well on an intimate level aside from sex. For me, FWB is a dead end unless I just want a warm body to boink me. I want more than that. Yet, it seems that's what a lot of people want these days.
I also agree that without the great sex, the relationship falls way short, too. Everything has to be in place: common interests, capability of morals, ability to communicate, understanding, and fantastic sex. | |
|
| |
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 11:24:40 AM | Love the topic OP - often wondered what other people think too (gotten threads deleted trying to find out too -so good luck)
I agree with everyone who says honesty, trust, communication - yeah, yeah, all that. But I think there's much more to it. I think the missing factors in failed relationships are; selflessness and understanding (the difficult part of that communication thing).
There is a book called 'The 5 Languages of Love' - great book - read it. Moreover, identify both partner's love languages - and make sure they're fulfilled. I actually came out and asked my SO 'what makes you feel loved?' It was eye-opening. Certainly not what I'd expected - and so easy to fulfill. His love language is 'Acts of Service' - little things that I do for him, make him feel loved. So I need to make sure that I make a point to do little things to show him my love and appreciation. On the flip side, that's also how he shows his love (washing my car, or rennovating my office), but my love language is 'Quality Time' - so I had to come right out and tell him what makes me feel loved (“I need you to spend quality time with me – actually doing something we can both enjoy – whether it’s going out to dinner, catching a movie or just a walk in the woods.”). He's happy to oblige. It's simple really, when you know what questions to ask. Meanwhile I need to appreciate the things he does to show his love too - nothing worse than not being appreciated, especially when it's your primary way of showing love. That would be like telling someone ‘I love you.’ over and over, but they just don’t acknowledge it. Pretty frustrating, huh?
Looking back, my marriage was a constant battle of 'self righteous indignation' - a sure fire relationship killer! Once the resentment starts, good luck stopping it! I learned from that experience to not even let myself go down that slippery slope.
I'm in what I consider to be the first truly good relationship of my life. And you know what? I'm a little anxious. And I think that's a good thing! Instead of thinking 'I'm not getting enough of ____' I ask myself 'Is he getting enough of _____?'. It keeps me on my toes! I’m not saying I’m afraid he’ll leave me – I’m saying I want him to be happy, and ask myself if he is – rather than nit picking anything that might be bugging me at the moment. (Because trust me, I can be a royal biased pain in the ass sometimes, and I bet you can too!)
One poster said – early on in a relationship he tends to try to impress - isn't totally honest and after a while - ‘i start to resent the fact that i can't really be myself and things go downhill from there.'
I've often heard the expression 'she makes me a better man' - isn't that a good thing? Why would you resent being the person they want? But it definitely proves the point, you have to be honest, even with yourself.
So to recap: honesty (even with yourself), communication (with understanding – and be sure to ask the right questions), trust (goes without saying), selflessness and humility (because we can all be an asshat sometimes), oh, and great sex (also goes without saying ;-)  | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 12:54:25 PM | I don't think you can or should BUILD intimacy: I think it's a natural thing that grows out of interaction & relating. Just as you don't use tools to get a plant to grow, trying to knit artificial plant fibre or something... If you're using tools, you're disrupting rather than supporting nature. Intimacy, like the growth of a plant, requires time, opportunity, a reasonably open and yet reasonably secure space and a little warmth and attention in the form of water for a plant and perhaps interest and the desire to become closer in terms of the growth of intimacy.
Instead of thinking of trying to build a natural thing like intimacy, think how you can create optimal conditions for it to grow. Motivation must be towards intimacy -- knowing each other -- as opposed to attaining relationship status. To know someone, you have to be not just interested in discovering the other person but open to learning about them rather than measuring them constantly against a scale of what you want them to be (or worse, assuming that they are as you want them to be). Warmth and acceptance create the environment, but unlike plants, whose growth is not easily faked, you have to guard against deluding yourself that you are intimate because you want to be, when you actually are not. | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 1:22:12 PM |
I want to focus on building emotional bridges.
In a new relationship, as we move into this more intimate realm, sometimes incompatibilities crop up and we become aware that this relationship isn't forever.
We've all been disappointed. How many here have been successful?
This thread was started in the hopes that this community would share your collective wisdom on the basic building blocks of emotional and mental intimacy.
I'm not real certain of the question here - are you asking for the sure fire route to a solid relationship which will last eternally so the trial and error method can be eliminated and one can just step into the real deal?
I suspect that the bulk of us are doomed to some disappointments in our lives, some of us may be doomed to many disappointments.
I would suggest that as we search for an ideal relationship which encompasses mental, emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy the process begins with some type of attraction. If the attraction is mutual the relationship continues. As it continues - our individual human flaws begin to surface and become apparent to the other party.
At this stage we make choices as to whether or not the flaws outweigh the good characteristics and decide whether to continue or break off. Perhaps we are aware we make these decisions and perhaps they are not consciously made.
Then again, sometimes what we are willing to accept at some stage becomes something we are no longer willing to accept at another point in time.
We grow, we change, we move on. Someone might be ideal for us, yet we aren't the ideal for them.
I truly don't know - other than that we take chances and risks and expose our true selves to another, we then make decisions and choices and as we do so - the relationship grows and strengthens or weakens and dies.
It's like the line in the song by the Beatles - "Christ - you know it ain't easy" | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 1:51:13 PM |
Alot of it is in the eyes.......unspoken communication. You will know, feel when you are close to your significant other. Alot of these things happen naturally in time, if you are open and honest with each other. Don't be afraid of vulnerability, it's all a part of giving your heart to someone.
Yep I agree, it's the unspoken words that mean the most.  | |
|
| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 2:47:49 PM |
I don't think you can or should BUILD intimacy: I think it's a natural thing that grows out of interaction & relating. I must not disagree with this. Being close happens, and whatever distance, walls, isolation you might maintain is deliberate or the result of myopia. I mean, there you are, together. How hard do you want to work at remaining distant, and for what purpose? Intimacy is what's left when you stop imposing barriers and stop ignoring each other. In my experience the importance of remaining aloof is to protect against obligation. To know someone is to love them, and that caring comes with the chores of interdependency. If you care, then their needs matter and you're stuck helping them to have a nice day. As long as the wall is up, whatever happens on their side of it is their own damn problem. It's handy for living cheek to jowl by the millions in large cities so you aren't spread too thin, but it works against the idea of a personal association based on mutual affection. | |
|
|
| Page 1 of 5
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
|
Home
login 
