|
|
|
|
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 11:50:08 AM | First: Is there any way possible that she was NOT cheating on me? (She still claims that she wasn't.)
Second: Should I tell my son?
I know that this is far too long, but if you don't read it then please don't comment. I am asking because people on here have been thru this and have insight
I am not perfect. I am a little too straight forward for some people. I don't like really crowded places. I need to lose ~30lbs. etc.....
I will try to summarize w/ bullet points and post facts:
- We had a great marriage.
- ~11yrs into marriage she got breast cancer, I stayed with her thru it all
- ~2yrs later she started felling better, then we began to argue (we never argued prior)
- I asked her if she was cheating on a couple of occasions and she said no. She had been thru hell, so I let it go. "I just changed" was/is her words.
- she changed her passwords to her yahoo email. I was checking her email for a legit reason and couldn't open it. She wouldn't tell me her new one. Early into any problems.
- doing my expense report for work & found a bill on the credit card for a local sex shop
- I was uploading pics from the camera on to the puter, and found pics of her (sitting on the couch, then more explicit) (she said that they were for me, by this time we had been arguing regularly for 2-3 mos over ridiculous stuff. She would get mad as me for hypothetical situation, and start an argument (fact).)
- Went to a counselor - she had been to him prior and talked him up - I went in with an open mind. After wards he looked at her and told her that he thinks she need to see someone that can prescribe meds.
- She shut down further. Played WOW +4hrs/day. We both played, but she would play rather than do anything with my son or I.
- We decided to split ways. It was going to be 100% the best divorce ever. We did everything ourselves. Neither of us had money for lawyers. Breast cancer ruined us financially.
- She was done with surgeries, but got one last cosmetic surgery, that I paid for. Nipple reconstruction.
- 2 weeks after she moved out she flew from FL to Minn to spend a long weekend with a guy. (guy from WOW.)
- In court I was killed. I pick my son up ~70% of the time from school and do things with him, but she always wanted him at night. Well in FL, I now know that overnights are all that matter. I was hit with $850 CS.
- Couldn't afford the $850, and pay for the house, etc. Paid her $400-650/mos.
- Tried going back to court for 50% over nights, she hits me with contempt of court for all back CS. Plus I have to pay $850/mos. I don't have it, so if the house ever sells I have to pay her ~$6k back CS.
- Not fact = I think that she had a lawyer all along. I think that I have legit reasons.
1) Is there anyway that she wasn't cheating?
2) Should I tell my son what has happened? (he is 11)
I have kept quiet about it. Several people have told me that I should tell my son what happened, so that he doesn't think I was at fault. These are very bright, well meaning people with children (both men and women) that know both my ex and I. They aren't telling me this to be spiteful towards her. They know my son and think that he has the right to know what happened.
We divorced 1.4yrs ago. I still pick him up ~70% of the time. With paying her all that I have to now, I can't do the things for/with my son that I would like. She lives with the guy that she went to see in Minn. I have a great person in my life. She has a son, and we live together.
------- Honestly
I have no desire to support her and her boyfriend, which is what I feel like I am doing. I pick my son up from school most of the time, feed him, I paid for his registration fees for baseball, guitar lessons, bought him cleats, school shoes, shirt, etc. I did all of this before his mom and I split, and am not trying to buy his love. I have coached his baseball team for 4yrs. I honestly am the better parent. More stable, etc.
I thought that it would be best just to keep him in the dark about what happened. I am angry at her and he probably sees thru that, and doesn't understand why. I try not to be closed minded, and when bright people, that I trust tell me something from the outside, it makes me think that I may be wrong.
My first lawyer told me to make her pick up my son from school and make things difficult on her, but that meant me not getting to see him, so I got a different lawyer. I am not looking to harm my son in any way. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 12:11:58 PM | It does sound like she is cheating, but you and anyone on here does not know for sure 100% if she was cheating or not, so no one can say for sure. No one caught her in the act, and unless she admits it you don't know if she did for sure or not.
As for CS, I was told at my CS hearing that if my ex wanted to go to court to try and get it lowered he could. They said he could bring in all his bills, etc, and tell the judge he couldn't afford the amount he was ordered to pay and see if the judge will lower it or not. He also told me a lot of times judges do not order it to be lowered but u could talk to an attorney and see if u have a good chance of getting it lowered.
Why isn't child support taking your tax return for the back support u owe? I know that's what they do here.
I don't think u should tell your son. It may cause him to resent his mom and think the divorce was her fault. Your post makes it sound like the divorce was all her fault, but we all know there are 2 sides to every story and breakups usually have to do with both people involved, not just one.
You say u really do not want to support her and her bf-but how do u know none of your CS money is going towards him? Just because u buy things too doesn't mean she's not using some of your CS money to buy him things he needs. Maybe she's even saving some of it-who knows? Point is, you shouldn't think it's all going to her and her bf if u have no solid proof she isn't using any of it at all on him and is instead using it on herself and her bf. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 12:32:01 PM | No, I don't think you should tell the boy anything other than mom and dad couldn't work things out. Like carterscutie pointed out...you have no proof that she was cheating, nothing other than your gut feelings. I would never allow my gut feelings be shared to hurt my children. What do you gain? The possible respect of an 11yr old who may in turn hate you in coming years for wrecking his adolescence. If you want to continue feeling like the better parent..don't torment your child with issues that are really none of his business.
I want to play devils advocate here a little bit and say that after all she went through with the cancer treatments and surgeries....it isn't a stretch for me to believe that she HAS changed. It would change your total outlook on life, what you are doing and where you are going.
The judge gave her the overnights...that is not her fault if the judge ruled that way. Pay what you can, be nice to her and hopefully she won't take you back to court for not paying the full total. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 12:40:57 PM | You are no longer married to this woman.
You live with someone else and she lives with another man your kid has figured out that you no longer love each other but you do not need to explain the intimate details for a failed marriage to a child.
You may have not felt at the time of your divorce that you needed a lawyer but when there is property and children involved not crossing your T's and dotting your I's did not trust her when you were married, so why trust her during a divorce?
It sounds like to me that you are paying as a non-custodial would, you can go to court at any time and challenge it. You do not need a lawyer but simply fill out forms and prove that you have your son 50% of the time.
PS: Does your girlfriend get child support? Is it helping to support you? Just another way of looking at things. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 1:08:47 PM | She may not have been cheating maybe the breast cancer and the fact she survived it made her see things in a different light.
And you should never have checked her emails regardless if you feel it was a legitimate reason, that shows the lack of trust you had for her, which may be another reason she just kept shutting down further.
My ex used to do that to me. It showed he did not trust me even when I was not doing anything, guess what I started shutting him out very slowly because he always read things wrong.
I went into his email account once, after he had done it to me kind of for revenge and I wish I hadn't because what I saw was he was saying all these things about me claiming I did them, yet it was him, he had a guilty conscience so in fact was reflecting what he was doing as though I were.
Since you had no trust for her and went into her email account, that relationship was pretty much doomed, once you lose the trust, there is no going back.
And as the others have stated, you do not need to inform you son of that stuff, that is between you and her and he does not need to know of that stuff. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:01:09 PM | yes she cheated.
No do not tell your son unless you want him to resent you. (number one rule to being a mature parent, do not share negitive information about your ex EVER . that person is still their parent.) | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:23:04 PM | | For those who say she cheated, how do you know? Were you there? Can't say she did, can't say she didn't there is no proof and to say someone did something without proof is ASSUMING. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:46:31 PM | I would go back to court for full custody. The living arrangement you have constitutes a change in your life and I think you should also tell the court, which you can do btw, you can say anything the hell you want and a judge will rule whether he wants to hear it, this is what I hate about lawyers, because rather than letting you say something that could actually sway a judge they'll tell you the information does not matter.
I think it does matter that she was obviously advised by a lawyer to require that she had the overnights. You have documentation that you are the one taking care of your son. You have flight records to illustrate that the guy who is now living off you she saw like 2 seconds after you split up. If nothing else, there is absolutely no reason not to grant 50% custody, which most judges are now leaning toward if it is doable with the parents. You have people that can attest to your picking up the child 70% of the time, you have receipts for all the extras you pay for, etc. and realistically you have a very good chance of 50/50.
Do not tell your son anything. If your son asks, then you be honest with him but kids are not stupid, he sees that his mother does not do the things that you do for him. The things you say you want to do for your son he could give a rat's ass about, he wants to spend time with his dad, it doesn't matter what he is doing.
I don't know how mature an 11-year-old your son is. He is old enough to have seen the changes in his mother. He is old enough to have known who was starting the fights, etc. If he asks you, you tell him son, I am sorry the only way this makes sense to me is that the breast cancer changed your mother's personality so much we were unable to get along anymore no matter how hard I tried. Does it really matter at this point whether she had an affair?
For your own peace of mind let that go, recognize that she will ultimately in some way need to pay the piper for the decisions she has made and the best thing you can do for yourself is to embrace the new woman in your life, be happy and move forward. There is no reason for your son to know. If she did, he will figure it out and if he wants to know he will ask her, she will lie, and if he is smart he will know that she is lying.
You can explain to your son that you wish you could do more fun things with him but because of the amount of child support you are paying, it reduces your ability to have extras in your household and life. That is a non-bashing way to allow him more of the information he needs to know. Knowing his mother is a piece of crap isn't one of them. If he does ask you about her, one thing you might mention is the info about the counseling, that the therapist seemed to think that your mother might have a condition better controlled with meds, I assume bipolar, i.e. manic depressive.
Other than that, always behave in a manner that you can hold your head high. I would assume that deep down you would not be proud of yourself for spilling all to an 11-year-old kid who will then be forced to process how he can still love his mother when she has behaved so badly, a terrible weight for a kid of any age and middle school is where the most critical problems arise. If there are things you can reveal without painting mom in a bad light, that's okay but my rule of thumb is if my kids saw me doing this, let's say you were spilling the beans on a friend because you are pissed off and not because of your concern for the unwitting spouse, and ruining a marriage or something, I'm thinking you wouldn't want your son to see you do something like that. Same situation applies here. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:46:32 PM | At this point, you are no longer married so if she cheated, sowhat it's done now. and being that you are both with someone new, you should be moving on.
telling your son anything except that mommy and daddy can't be with each other anymore, would be totally wrong. If you put his mom down in any way(even if it's true ) he will someday hate you for it. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 5:43:18 PM | Going to court for anything is all about proof. You can make all the allegations u want-but they won't hold up in court unless u have solid proof backing your allegations up.
You have to prove u are the better parent if u want full custody, so u need to document every single little thing u are doing that makes u beleive u would be the better parent.
Without invading his privacy or spying on him in any way, shape or form, I found out alot of things about my ex. If he ever tries to take my baby away I will not hesitate to bring out the skeletons I found in his closet. You could do the same-just remember not to invade her privacy (i.e. checking her e-mail) While checking someone else's e-mail is not illegal, it's still not going to make u look good in court should u try to bring up anything u found in her e-mails in court. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 5:50:32 PM | If you've been divorced almost a year and a half, why do you care now if she did cheat or not?
If your real issue is the child support then you need to go to court. There is nothing anyone here can say that changes that. You talked about the financial situation from back when you two were splitting up but not now, so really there is nothing to say.
Your choices are pay for the extras and pay your child support, or dont pay for your sons extras and pay your child support. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:10:09 PM | 1) Tell your son nothing about this. If, when he grows to adulthood, he asks questions, consider talking then.
2) Yes, your wife was cheating on you.
3) NEVER GET A DIVORCE WITHOUT A LAWYER!!!!!! I know it is too late, but I needed to say that.
4) Why did you get "killed" in the divorce? Are you leaving something out of this story?
5) You don't get special credit for picking your son up at school, feeding him, buying him shoes, etc. Those are things you are supposed to do anyway. You're his father.
6) You are right to have gotten a new lawyer. Good luck to you. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 10:26:17 PM | First: You'd know better than I do.
Second: Don't tell the kid. He doesn't really want to know. He's to young to objectively take it all in. Everyone will view it as a dirty trick you pulled in a game of he said she said. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 10:59:09 PM | I will give you my personal experience on this. First off I think he is too young. Secondly, I went through my parents getting a divorce at the age of 4 years old, so I didn't remember it very well or what went on. However....
My mother would constantly over the years bad mouth my Dad and talk about what a deadbeat he was, how awful he was, the things he would do when they were married, etc. He never beat her or anything like that, just random things. Anything she could say that would make him look like a jerk. I deeply resented her for it. We would fight about him a lot as I grew up because whenever I would spend time with him he would always be nothing but nice to me. I would try to defend him when she bad-mouthed him.
Then, years later, I wanted to know my Dad's side of the story, he had NEVER mentioned it before. But I wanted to clarify some things my Mother had told me, you know, straighten out the facts. He told me his side of things, and one interesting bit of information he mentioned was that she had cheated on him nearing the end of their marriage. I later confirmed this information with my Grandfather, who was aware of the scenario at the time, my Mother's father.
In the end I resented my mother for all the years of bad-mouthing him. It did nothing but cause us to fight. Then after everything I found out she actually had CHEATED on him!!!! Only furthering my siding with my Dad. It must have taken a lot for my Dad to keep his mouth shut all of those years up until the point when I asked him for details, I have a great deal of respect for him for never telling me for the sake of bad-mouthing my Mother. In the end I still love them both a great deal, but in terms of how things went down between them I have more respect and belief in my Dad then I do my Mother.
Take this advice as seriously as you can as this is coming from an individual who literally went through exactly what your son would go through. Your son will love you for the things you do for him, whether he knows you were cheated on or not.
Hope I was of some help. Peace. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/6/2009 11:18:04 PM | ^^Great post right there...
No, please don't tell your son.
They know my son and think that he has the right to know what happened
They feel bad for you. They want your son to realize that you are not the "bad guy" your ex probably portrays you to be, but your son does not deserve the burden that telling him would lay on his small shoulders.
What true benefit would it give HIM, right at this very time. So, he knows his mom has some serious issues? He probably already is figuring that out.
Think about it. At this point in time, you would be telling your son for your benefit, not his. Later in life, it probably will come up. He will be an adult then and more apt (hopefully) to handle the nitty gritty details.
Give your kid the peace to love his mom regardless of what she has done to your marriage and leave the grown up stuff for you to handle.
Get a good lawyer. 11 year old boys it would seem would be more apt to spend more time with their father, not less.
| |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:39:13 AM |
1) Is there anyway that she wasn't cheating?
Of course there's a chance she wasn't cheating. Even if those pics were for someone like WoW guy, you said yourself that she didn't fly to meet them until AFTER you separated. If there's no proof, then you can't say anything with any certainty.
2) Should I tell my son what has happened? (he is 11)
Are you kidding me?!?! WTF is wrong with you?!
You want to tell your ELEVEN year old son that his mother is a cheating wh*re when you don't even know yourself if it's true? From the way you speak about the finances and how certain "people" are telling you to to destroy your son's life with details he doesn't need to know (AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT'S TRUE!!) I think I know exactly what's going on.
Your wife was obviously depressed after her bout with a life-threatening illness. Instead of her husband being supportive, he started picking fights with her because he behavior (obviously) changed and he automatically thought the worst of her instead of trusting her. She couldn't handle it, and she shut down.... then decided to end it. Maybe there was a man involved, maybe not.
You tried to do the divorce on the cheap to save yourself money, with a mentally ill ex-partner no less, and feel you got shafted because you were ordered more than you expected to pay. Instead of going back with proof of the time and money spent with/on your child and looking for extra time and child support reduction/elimination you just sucked it up.
Now that you've CHOSEN to co-habitate with another woman with a child, you're feeling the pinch. Instead of tightening your belt, you're looking for the quickest way to save money without putting a damper on your/your new gf's lives, and that's by cutting out the one thing you resent paying. You know that it's going to take a lot of time and money to change it by going to court (and that her "cheating" has no bearing on how fit someone is as a parent), so you're looking for the easiest way to obtain custody and that's to have your child live with you. The easiest way to do THAT is to destroy your child's relationship with his mother and resent her for someone that you have admitted that you don't even know is true.
Since we're not allowed to call people names here, I'll refrain from telling you exactly what I think of you. What kind of a father would throw his own child under a bus in order to get his own way? And let me guess... these wonderful people telling you to destroy your son are your girlfriend and others who stand to gain from all this "working out"?
I am not looking to harm my son in any way.
Bullsh*t. You want to tell your son that his mother is a cheating wh*re for financial gain and you don't think it'll hurt him?!? You make me sick. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:01:24 AM | Thx for the comments, esp from the guy that was in the situation that my son is in. This is why I asked here. There is no reason for me to lie here, no one here knows me.
FYI: Cheating to me is developing feelings for someone else while you are married or with someone. I don't know if she ****ed this dude before we separated, or not. I am not accusing her of that. Of that I have no proof. Her flying to see this guy, 2 weeks after she moved out, and telling me that there isn't someone else, doesn't add up.
I have no problem saying that I am very angry at her. Not so much what she did to me while married. I can understand breast cancer screwing with her mind. I am mad because she screwed up my son's life. I am mad every time I have to scratch a check to her for more than it costs to raise a kid. I am mad because I will be 51yrs old and will have paid her over $110k, and will have very little retirement for myself built up, and may not be able to help my son thru college, like my parent helped me.
There is no evilman stuff that I left out. Like me not being there to support her mentally, etc. I begged her to see a therapist, and she finally started. We were the "perfect couple" that no one saw this happening to. I am the one that shaved her head before her hair all fell out. I was there with her thru it all.
Email - I never accused her or thought that she was cheating before I checked her email or even shortly afterwards. I wasn't checking to see if she was cheating, I was checking for a legit reason. We always checked each other's emails, and never thought anything of it. We had nothing to hide. I thought maybe she was talking with a therapist, or something. (This is the truth, accept it as truth)
Cheating - I never thought that she was cheating until I found pictures, and receipts from the sex shop, and that was a month after we separated, but still resided together (they were dated 6 months prior to our separation). The pictures corresponded to about the time when we began having problems. I was 100% on board with "she change, and just wanted out". She went thru hell, but in all honesty so did I. So does everyone that has to watch a loved one endure what I saw her endure. I didn't expect anything form her. To me it was just what you were supposed to when you are married.
Divorce on the cheap - Does anyone realize how much cancer treatment cost? I had no money for a lawyer. We agreed to do everything ourselves. We were going to share our son, and not be like other divorced couples. Her parents gave her money, I kept everything quiet, and tried to protect her. Most people didn't even know that we were divorced. I was a dumbass for trusting her. Okay I got that. I have said it 10,000 times to myself.
In Florida the only thing that matters are overnights, income, child care, & insurance. NOTHING ELSE. It is a stupid law, but it is the law. I didn't know that and I screwed up. I was hit with $850/mos for one kid. Bills don't matter, time spent don't matter, etc.
It took me too long to get back to court: Just after I got rid of the first lawyer, before I could find another, I was driving home from work and an intoxicated lady ran out in front of me on foot. I ran over her and killed her. I had to deal with that for a while.
I was heading back to court shortly after the initial hearing, but the hitting the lady delayed me for several months. Once I filed for 50% overnights, she hit me with contempt of court for arrears. We went to mediation. My lawyer advised me that I have to pay arrears, before we can go before the judge.
This guy she moved down, didn't work for 5 months. Now he works part time at the kiosk in the mall selling cell phones. I would have to speculate that this year I will give my ex more money that her bf will make, so I think that I have the right to say the extra $ paid to her is also used to support them.
My gf gets very little from the dad. She makes enough to pay for all of her son's bills, while her ex is trying to sell the house that they owned. He gives her money now and then for stuff, but I am not living off of anything from him.
This in no way comes from my gf. I asked my gf if I should tell my son and she said that she doesn't know. She has never ever said anything negative about my son's mom, in front of my son. Neither have I. People telling me this are people that are friends with both my ex and I. 1 is a teacher, 1 is a civil engineer, 1 is a bank auditor, these are bright people. Maybe they hear things that I don't.
I am asking for feed back from strangers on POF because you people have just gone thru or are going thru what I am going thru. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:01:45 AM | OP, whoever is advocating you tell your son the "truth as you see it" about his Mom are morons and don't give a crap about your son. No parent should ever speak ill of the other parent to a child.....
Even IF your ex wife cheated on you, what the hell does that have to do with how she feels about your son? Answer.....NOTHING! | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:42:22 AM |
In Florida the only thing that matters are overnights, income, child care, & insurance. NOTHING ELSE. It is a stupid law, but it is the law. I didn't know that and I screwed up. I was hit with $850/mos for one kid. Bills don't matter, time spent don't matter, etc.
What have we learned here kids? NEVER, EVER, get a divorce without legal counsel, ever!
That what a lawyer is for, to inform you of your options. Sure, you didn't have the money, but it still costing you money.
My wife walked out the door with her suit cases on a Wednesday. I was in a lawyers office Friday morning. I spent the previous Thursday phoning and emailing laywers.
Best thing I ever did. She also, wanted to "settle things between us".
This was after her suggestion of having 75% of the house equity when I was the one paying the mortgage.
One hour with a lawyer opened my eyes to stuff I would have never thought of.
However, that said and done. Was she cheating, most likely. But you ignored all the red flags.
Should you tell you son? Not only no, but hell no. That is between you and her and no one else.
You made a HUGE mistake by being half-assed about getting the split, so you really need to get over it and move on. Her and her new boyfriend are irrelavant.
If you are not happy with the custody outcome, hire a friggin lawyer and see what your options are. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/7/2009 10:58:07 AM | ok u sound like u have a full plate in front of u....where to start...
do not tell ur son....he's getting old enough to figure things out himself...and later on will will appreciate u not trashing his mother-for being the better parents...the one with class...
my son asked me questions about his father(disappeared for 6 years) while i was honest about i didn't know where he was i alwats told him that i knew his dad was thinking about him and loved him very much...my son later realized his dad was a jerk on his own....
as to everything else-i think u've learned a huge lesson-never trust ur ex while going thru a divorce... | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/7/2009 9:38:40 PM | Ask yourself what good could come out of you sharing with your son that your ex cheated on you? He is 11 yo, how well could his developing brain process anything about YOUR failed relationship with your wife? In my opinion no child needs to know any of the gruesome details of OUR adult relationships.
The best you can do is be there for your son, the two adult parties already moved on, you found a replacement, she found a replacement, where did that leave HIM? In the middle of two potential new messes.
I know it's easier said than done, but give it up... stop torturing yourself with the "what if's". If you truly are happy, why do you care? She was not the one for you. End of it. Focus on your son's emotional well being. You have the right attitude, spend as much time with him today, be there for him, love him, show him he is important to you, he already has to share you (and his mom) with third parties, make your time with him count!
The CS? Pay it... if you cannot afford it: go back to court tomorrow and have it reduced, and if you really do not want a penny of your hard earned money spent on her new honey, do what a lot of guys do: go underground. AND start thinking up a good explanation for your son when he asks you one day, "how come you never took care of your financial responsibility when I was younger? MY DEAR, SWEET, LOVING, WONDERFUL, INNOCENT mommy had to struggle all ALONE while I was young, and YOU SPENT ALL YOUR MONEY ON YOUR NEW (WIFE) and HER KID!
Children grow up, and when they do they can be mercy less; your heart will sink beyond your wildest imagination the first time he looks at you with all the pain of being second to the person next to you. It does not matter to them who cheated or why it just did not work out. What matters is that YOU and YOUR EX made a mess out of their life dragging them between homes on a part time basis, having part time parents, and part time friends.... and you know what, they are correct. It does not matter who cheated, what matters is somehow, someone ruined (made a wreck of) their lives.
So..... continue to be the bigger person, and do what you know is right: Be the Best Father you can be to your son today, do not listen to attorneys who tell you you need to make your EX's life uncomfortable. Or "friends" who tell you a child needs to know about your or your ex's rendezvous. Believe me, your child will know.... he will put two and two together and he will also know who cared the most for him, hopefully it will be the both of you.
Good luck, hope you move on soon | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/8/2009 4:41:12 AM | Your situation sucks but you need to do the things you can do and let the rest go. Every time you allow yourself to be angry about things, she has another victory and the time you spend with your son and that you share with your GF is diminished.
One of the hardest things for a friend of mine to deal with when he got divorced was that his ex wouldn't work on the marriage and how cavalierly she behaved about breaking up the family and her kids winding up coming from a broken home. For the first time in his life he couldn't control something and he was "made" to do something he didn't want to do. Sometimes anger serves a purpose, when it doesn't you should ditch it as quickly as possible.
Your situation is one that I have talked about on many threads when people discuss how to avoid divorce, you can't. Even a good marriage like yours, throw in a serious illness or a child dying, and some marriages no matter how good, just cannot take the stress.
You and your ex were handed a difficult thing and you did what you were supposed to do and whether she will ever admit it or not, your wife was very lucky that she was married to you when she faced that situation. But you cannot be married to yourself and the woman you married was not the woman who survived the cancer.
You do what you can legally, you do the best you can for your boy otherwise, you suck it up and keep the things he shouldn't know to yourself until he is older and directly asks you about it, and you truly try to enjoy the rest of your life, you are going to be here a while. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/8/2009 5:56:29 AM | What happens between you and ex wife is between you and you shouldn't drag your son into that part of that mess. No matter what happens, he loves his mother and it is a sin to turn him against his mother. You are not looking to harm your son but to even contemplate telling him about reasons for the divorce is wrong.
True, he is in the middle of everything and he probably hears all the shit that people are talking about over the phone. Most people don't excuse themselves and talk in front of their children when there is a problem. He probably feels as if he is to blame because most of the arguments are centered around picking him up, visitation, and taking care of his needs.
Also, your lawyer is an asshat for suggesting that you use your son to make things difficult on her so that the burden would be too much on her. What is done is done. Concentrate on your relationship with your son and his well being. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/8/2009 8:54:46 AM | I agree with pretty much everyone else that you should not tell an 11 year old details from an adult relationship-- It is none of his business, and what would the positive of him knowing be? Especially since what you would be telling him are suspicions only.
As for the money? I will also throw one in for "get a lawyer"
But I wouldn't bring up how you are quite sure that you are helping support her new boyfriend.
That just makes you sound bitter.
Well, more bitter.
Taking the high road sucks, but one day--- you will be able to look your grown son in the eye, and tell him that you always did the right thing. He will know. | |
|
| Need some honest answers
Posted: 10/8/2009 12:50:45 PM | Think about it this way: What if your ex wife has already told him her side of the story, and then u tell yours, and they are 2 completely different stories? He is going to one confused little kid.
My parents always bad-mouthed each other after their divorce. I always heard 2 different sides to the story about why they broke up. I was very confused and didn't know who to beleive. Now that I am older I can look back and see that it was really both of their faults, not just one of their faults. If you tell him your story and make him beleive it was all your ex's fault, when he gets older he may not agree with that and resent you because he may feel like u lied to him. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
