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 CaramelSweetness2
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 1
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
If you've read any of the "Mars/Venus" books by John Gray he talks about this phenomenon. It seems that after a very intensely intimate time spent with a woman guys generally back off. They may disappear for a few days or a couple weeks to regain their "autonomy" (well, that's the word he uses). He says its because men like to regain their feeling of independence, and when they are close to a woman to that extent it tends to make them feel "dependent". There's a lot of psycho "mumbo jumbo" in the books but I do find that this is true for a lot of men.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not talking about guys who have "one night stands and then dissapear (we all know about that ). I'm talking about a guy who actually cares about a woman in the context of a real relationship. He generally has to get away from her for a while and then he comes back. In the meantime - she is going crazy with anxiety thinking she did something wrong and can't figure out why he is distancing himself from her after such an intimate time.

Guys - do you recognize this trait in yourselves. Think back - have you done this? What were you thinking? What is it that makes you so uncomfortable? Why can't guys just tell the woman that they need a little time to think or whatever? I think this is very inconsiderate of someone you claim to love or care for.
 S to the B
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 2
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 2:00:10 PM
do you mean like going to the petting zoo for ice cream and then not calling?

*guilty
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 3
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 2:13:03 PM
hmmmm......can't say I've had this happen.
Quite the opposite actually.
And then I'm the one looking for some space and "me" time!
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 4
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 3:11:56 PM
I can't say I ever remember this happening to me when I was in a relationship with a guy. What a sad thing to do to someone. My guy has no problems with intimacy and showing how much he cares so I can't see that ever being a problem with us.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 5
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 3:20:43 PM

Guys - do you recognize this trait in yourselves. Think back - have you done this?

Sorry, never had this happen... the only time I've distanced myself from a woman after sex was because I was sleeping with a few other women at the same time... and it was simply a logistics problem.... only so many hours in the week
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 6
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 3:50:49 PM
Dang, perhaps John Gray has met my manfriend.


Sometimes I think the reason he and I have lasted as long as we have is because we do not live in the same state...we have our own things we like to do separate of the other, we try to see each other weekly (we take turns visiting the other's place of residence), etc.

There have been times he's gone MIA for a few days.....there even have been times when it's been weeks.....but if I do it.....OH DEAR GOD.....he gets very upset with me and typically will say 'is there something wrong with your fingers, phone, or both?' When I mention he does the same thing he always says I'm mistaken about the lapse in time we've seen each other---now I just go with the flow.

I use to allow his behavior to drive me batty, now I just have fun with the down time and when we do get together ...well, let's just say 'distance can make the hard grow fonder'
 KinkyBastard
Joined: 1/3/2008
Msg: 7
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 3:51:38 PM
No... This isn’t me I'm glad to say. I love snuggling up with my woman after sex. Sure, dependent upon just how mind blowing the sex was, I might dose off to sleep LOL! But in such instances, I will be dosing off to sleep with her cuddled up in my arms. This just feels natural to me after sharing the profound intimacies of sex.

One "problem" that I DO have though, is listening to love songs during sex LOL! Now this totally FREAKS me out!

I guess one cheap answer I can come up with, is that having sickly sweet, cheesy love songs in the background simply distracts me in my efforts to perform. But I think the truth is, is that maybe the whole experience just feels so serious and over-whelming. And I prefer my sex to be fun and enjoyable and not so damn serious and profound!

I can't generalize of course, but I think for most men (and indeed some women) sex is just a fantastic and highly pleasurable physical activity. Sure, there is an emotional elemental to it of course, but I reckon most people play this down. At least until the "physical activity" is over.

Just me 2 cents anyway.
 S to the B
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 8
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 3:56:28 PM
i could totally see you bumping some slayer or gwar during sex!
 KinkyBastard
Joined: 1/3/2008
Msg: 9
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:03:51 PM
^^^^^

LOL! Please don't tell me that was for me...

But heck... There's a first time for everything right?

 Blackhawks_Brian
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 10
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:12:34 PM
i like NIN during sex...
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:28:22 PM
"one night stands and then dissapear (we all know about that )"...
I certainly don't know about that, I've NEVER had it happen. Of course, I'm a heterosexual male, and never sleep with guys, so maybe that's why.
As for the women "going crazy with anxiety thinking she did something wrong and can't figure out why he is distancing himself from her after such an intimate time" thing, I certainly recognize the women going crazy part. I've often been accused of withdrawing and being distant often by women, but I don't find that it happens more or less in any particular aspect of a relationship.
I've been accused of being too distant while shopping for groceries, for example. While I am certainly as highly sexually charged as the next guy (actually, I don't know who the next guy is going to be, so that might prove wrong), but I haven't had sex in a grocery store yet.

My point is, I suspect that a lot of this is more perception than reality. Guys (speaking as one) shift their attention from one thing to another without coordinating with their significant others. When the SO is comfortable, they thinks it's Adorable Spaced Out Guy syndrome. When they are nervous, they think it's Guy Withdrawing Emotionally.
 miss_contemplative
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 12
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:31:01 PM
I have read and listened to a lot of John Gray's stuff and although I don't agree with many of the things he says, he sometimes makes good sense but I don't recall him ever saying this about men. I do recall the "cave" analogy but not the distance after sex that you mention.

I've never had this happen to me in relationships. I don't need to cuddle and be reassured after I've had great sex. Hopefully I'm basking in the glow of it without needing him to offer me his assurance that he still cares.

To that end, I'd think a man who was in a relationship and did this was a very weak-minded individual who , if heviews sex as some kind of brain melding where he suddenly loses his identity and has to get some mileage between he and his lady in order to "feel like himself" again is a little whacked in da cabesa.

But that's just me...
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 13
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:47:23 PM

Guys - do you recognize this trait in yourselves. Think back - have you done this? What were you thinking? What is it that makes you so uncomfortable? Why can't guys just tell the woman that they need a little time to think or whatever? I think this is very inconsiderate of someone you claim to love or care for.

Yep indeed I do recognize this trait in myself. And one I will never deny, nor diminish.

And I'm not entirely sure it has to do with a need for autonomy or independence as much as it is a sense of reminding myself that I have a life OUTSIDE my relationship. This is my rationalization. When I become sexually intimate with someone, be it a FWB or a real relationship...I will always distance myself on occasion. No calls, no visits, no texts, no emails, no IM's for days. It is my choice to do so, and I owe no one any explanation. I am my own keeper, and I refuse to "check in" like I'm on friggin' parole.

If she has to sit there and dwell wondering if it was something she said or did "wrong", then I have chosen poorly in my partner and should probably find someone a little more secure than that. I shouldn't have to feel obligated to "check in" or announce any intentions to just have some "me time" when I feel the need. If I have to, then she ain't worth my time or effort. She's not my warden or parole officer. She shouldn't act like one.

If my woman wants to call it inconsiderate, then she can get to steppin'. I "check in" with no one. I'm nobody's puppet, and I like having the CHOICE to be where I please, when I please without justification or formal announcement.

She can deal...or she can walk. Her choice.
 spicynicegirl
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 14
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:51:54 PM
^^^^^^^Well then don't ever get married because it's ALL about compromise. You don't get to do what you want all the time.

Back on topic - I find this whole thing fascinating. I can't say I've had it happen every time but I do recall it happening before.

Makes perfect sense.................man gets close to woman..........man needs to get away to regain his independence for a while..........man goes back to woman. Hmmm I wonder what would happen if more and more women started doing this?
 Fartz
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 15
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 5:43:47 PM
If you don't do it you end up being called clingy so their is really no way to win now is there?
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 16
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 5:43:58 PM

^^^^^^^Well then don't ever get married because it's ALL about compromise. You don't get to do what you want all the time.

Sure I do. It's this great thing we all have called FREE WILL. You may wanna get some :D It's pretty cool.

What you're referring to ain't compromise...it's like parole...just as I said.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 5:44:53 PM
Spicynicegirl: If women started doing it, I SUSPECT men wouldn't notice. Especially if they are off regaining their independence.
 bipolarintense
Joined: 9/27/2009
Msg: 18
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:16:16 PM
Sounds like a load of crap too me. Did this author actually talk to other men or is this some sort of autobiography.
 Accidentally In Love
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 19
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:21:09 PM
"autonomy" That's a crock!
I've never had that happen.
I actually find men to be a little clingy after sex but if a man just flaked and disappeared for days or weeks?
I would not be receptive should he choose to reappear.
 candid_1
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 20
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:36:39 PM
I've not found that. Usually if the sex is good, we're both back at it as soon as possible... then again, if the relationship is more than sex, if emotions are involved, it's usually me that runs and hides.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 21
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:45:02 PM
Hmmm.....I'm agreeing with BDJ twice in the same day!!


And I'm not entirely sure it has to do with a need for autonomy or independence as much as it is a sense of reminding myself that I have a life OUTSIDE my relationship


I think I do it for myself....and to let HIM know I have a life outside of the relationship!

I don't plan on spending every day with my mate.....so I see no reason to mislead them in the beginning by spending every possible moment with them.

How many times do you see people posting here about their mate suddenly, after months of spending every spare moment together, going out and doing things on their own.....and then questioning the relationship because of it?!! OMG.....he/she doesn't love me anymore.....or is my mate cheating on me......blah blah blah.....
This is because people go overboard in the beginning smothering each other with all their attention.....
I have a full life.......and I plan on keeping a full life......whether in a relationship or not.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 22
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:07:37 PM

hmmmm......can't say I've had this happen.
Quite the opposite actually.
And then I'm the one looking for some space and "me" time!

Me too. I MAY let them stay the night if I can get sleep, but most of the time they live close enough not to need to stay...that must be what makes them want to hang around and/or call me every day for the next week.
 ladyluck09
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 23
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After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/6/2009 9:42:20 PM
im with u on this one kinky**stard--put on some rock lol
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 24
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/7/2009 1:25:04 AM
I'm with MsMiki on this one!
I'm the one who needs the space afterwards.
 sunfishone2001
Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 25
After Intimacy why do guys usually back off?
Posted: 10/7/2009 2:01:13 PM
TS, well you answered your own question with your own response, I don't know what other answer you could be looking for.
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