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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 3:43:15 PM | Hello! I needed advice on concerning my uneasy-feeling wedding engagement. My family and friends are taking a neutral stance on things. I thought some frank advice from those who have “been there and done that” might help.
Background information:
-I am 23, he is 25, and we have been together since ages 18 and 20.
-He was my first college boyfriend, or I guess my first serious boyfriend period.
-After I graduated from college, and he graduated from grad school, we moved in together for 1 year where his law school was. After 6 months, he proposed and I said yes.
-Six months after the proposal, I moved out and took a job I love in a city I love. There wasn't any arguments to cause this, it was sincerely for this job opportunity.
Positives:
-He is very educated. I mean, this man is VERY intelligent.
-He is friendly, hilarious and jovial.
-I love him. I LIGHT up when I hear his voice on the phone.
-When we DO do things together, we have a good time.
-He treats me like a princess. Seriously, he talks to me and about me to others like I am on a pedestal.
-He likes kids/treats my dachshund like an infant.
Negatives:
-He drinks with his friends about 3X/wk.
-Though he is intelligent, he is bad with money. He has had three serious altercations with money that I will not go into.
-His desire to hang out with his parents can get annoying. His parents like me, which is great, but when he comes to visit me for a weekend, we can sometimes spend up to 10 hrs. at his parents’ home (I live close to his parents).
-I do not mind hefty boys at all. When we started dating, he was a chubby guy. However, his food addiction (not officially diagnosed, but he does spend his money on food, eats it and lies about it) has put him at near 300 lbs. This has made sex uncomfortable as I am one of those wispy pixie girls (think Olsen Twin type of build and stature). We don’t have intercourse that often, however, for people in our 20s. He also pretty much refuses to get healthier.
-When we are together, we seem to not have much to talk about and he will usually watch TV and I will just read/be on the computer. But I can also see that as us being out of “the honeymoon phase” so I don’t know if that is a negative or just how life goes.
-For some reason, I can’t make myself set a date. But I don’t know if that may just be cold feet.
Like I said earlier, I am definitely not using this forum as a way to make a decision. Just curious, as it is difficult to imagine “forever” at 23. Just want some "older" opinions! Thanks! | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 3:51:37 PM | Ok first what are you doing on a dating site if your Engaged and ready to
get Married. 
You think you have problems now, wait till you get married to him, his Foquen
25yrs old male and the only thing that goes through a Tipical Male of that age
is 4 things Eat, Sh!te, Sleep, and all the Sex he can mustard, from you or from
anything thats acceptable that walks on Two legs and after a few beers. 
Waite you'll end-Up being his mother, you'll have to cook clean and do his
laundry! | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 3:52:14 PM |
For some reason, I can’t make myself set a date. But I don’t know if that may just be cold feet.
You can't set a date because your inner voice is telling you not to.
You need to listen to it.
Those negatives you mentioned would make me not want to marry him too!
300 pounds, bad with money, drinks 3X a week, infrequent intercourse=====Do not marry him.
Tell him that unless he fixes these problems, you will never marry him.
He is being immature and self destructive.
It is normal after five years to not have much to talk about. Do you go out and do things together or just sit around all the time inside?
You are very young. Why rush into marriage? He needs to clean up his act before you can agree to tie yourself to him for the rest of your life. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 3:53:16 PM | | Your BFs negatives definitely outweight his positives...His drinking and unskilled handling of money are two negatives that would cause me to end the relationship....And,the lack of sex is not good and the lack of having much to talk about is a very bad issue... | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 3:57:01 PM | OP:
* You don't have much to talk about when you're together
* You rarely have sex because of his obesity, and he refuses to address the problem
* He's bad with money
* He goes out drinking with his friends 3 out of 7 days a week
Do you really think things will improve when you marry this man? | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 3:57:35 PM | People you meet at 18 are going to change ... you are going to change ! What you loved then will most likely not be what you will love later in life.
All that means is you should get to know your self better. What you want out of life and a relationship. If - in a few years - you still want this man then marry him. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 3:59:46 PM | To be 23 and in love, I know that I would want it with someone I totally loved and their body. Oh wait, I'm 48 and feel that way. Honestly, he is a heart attack waiting to happen. How can he really care about you if he doesn't care about himself?
I see alcoholism and food addiction. I am not positive about the apron strings, but sounds like there are some issues there too.
Really, since you aren't basing your decision on the answers here, I guess you need to ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life with a fat booze hound that is still attached to his parents and live a sexless life? Personally, I think you don't want to do it and haven't broken up with him because he is easy, habit, comfortable, etc. etc. Nothing worth while is usually easy. Keeping him as a friend might be great. Telling him you want a break so you can find yourself might be really difficult, but are you really living your life right now, are you really happy? | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:00:50 PM | He sounds like a loser.
If he were my son I'd kick his backside and tell him to grow up.
He needs another 10 years of maturing before he considers marriage | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:04:37 PM | Sex and money. Ouch. Double whammy.
You can't set a date because you don't want to.
Don't rush into anything, absolutely no harm can come from waiting a little longer. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:07:52 PM | | Marriage is a partnership in which any and all concerns need to be voiced, addressed and resolved together. In contemplation of marriage one should determine that partnership is possible and have been acting that way while engaged. By now you would be able to speak your mind, come to agreement about any problems, and be good at working together. If not, hold off, learn how, and do not set a date unless you have been able to satisfy your doubts. The particular details of this or that reservation are secondary to the importance of being able to speak frankly and work together. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:08:37 PM | Geez, I should gain 200 lbs, and drink alot to get a good catch like you.
LOL
There are two types of guys.
Those that change and grow, adapt..Chameleons if you like.
And Block of wood type guys that don't.
As is..is how they are.
and forever will be.
If your guy is adaptable, then maybe.
Not good to make a guy a project.
(no instructions and parts often missing or don't always fit./LOL)
If he isn't changeable, you'll have to be.
Cus what you marry is what you get.
And you will have to make the best of it. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:14:13 PM | Hello Justagirl...
I just got married last mo, well ummmm we had a commitment ceremony... Done the marriage on paper thing, won't be having kids, so the on paper thing was out to us...
HOWEVER I did go through the pros and cons myself before hand, AND this was knowing I am NOT BY LAW tied to the man, BUT rather in our belief by heaven... Just wanted to be clear and honest here...
Your guy ummm yeah, he sounds like he has way more negatives than positives...
Your inner voice is going no no no no no no no no no no no... Forever 23... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO...
You will go through many changes, and let me tell ya, making bad choices in a mate now is NOT one of those things you want to be doing... She chuckles knowing she did that at 27... Sighhhh, it cost me a major fortune, my credit, and debt that is still haunting me... WHY, because I married a man who didn't know how to handle money, lied about things prior, and didn't mention he had JUST went bankrupt at 26...
Now picture this, we didn't know each other that long, met at church had kids, and were afraid to be single at 28, so we figured meh this can work... SURE, I put in all the work, he ran around to strip clubs, and spent money and MY credit like it was water...
He left me to raise his son, and when he was home he had a hissy because his son was being picked on... Little did he know that it was a great little skit the kids worked out... My daughters victimed, his son played a totally convincing victim, I was the bad guy... Husband would run to the bars, and strip joints more..
If he wanted something that needed someone with a credit line, I gave in.... WHY, because I feared abandonment...and I loved the guy... I just knew that with a little help he'd be someone he wanted to be... Yeah well, the price tag on that was huge...
He loved that I was intelligent and was good at raising kids, well at least when he wasn't around, and loved the fact he was king of the house..
SIGHHHHHH....
It is tough starting over when life knocks you out of the game from your job, and you have to start over in your 40's...
Advice, and so lovingly and well intended... If you have this much of a mountain of negatives you don't marry... You don't breed with said person, and you start looking at why exactly you are with the guy.. Love can fade like a bouquet of roses, and all the sudden hearing that sweet familiar voice is the thought of lies, drinking, over weight lack of sex, and how tied down you feel...
PLUS someone will have to move.. Who is going to make that sacrifice???
Is it fear of being alone... Meh, you can find someone else... Is it fear that you put so much time into this relationship, and gosh we have so much history??? EEEKKKK, doesn't sound like much GOOD history, from the negatives... Sure it is NICE to be on a pedestal, but dang the fall can be so painful...
I would suggest watching some of the documentaries of people that are half a ton or more, and the lives they are leading... If he is at 25, and refuses to get healthy, does the thought of being Jubba the huts handler, and care giver at 27 sound appealing??? No offense intended, but chubby boy is no longer chubby...
Unless you can get some really great life insurance, like two or three million... Yeah, your future sounds like dead weight, and a lot of debt to manage... Once again this is by YOUR negatives... All the sweet stuff on the positives are not long stays... Trust me, my ex was sweet talking, listened, I was happy to hear his voice, he thought so well of me... then we got married... Where the heck did that go???
You are 23, your inner voice is screaming no no no no no... There are major reasons, and one is you are to young to be in a relationship that sounds really dead before you have even married...
JMHO...
Oh by the way, this time around, people ask how married life is... It is NOT different than before... Before it was very good, had rough patches to work out, but it is very much like before... Well it would seem we are that much more endeared to each other than the day we met, and every day forward... but still...
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:17:15 PM | Hey OP,
It sounds as if he has raised allot of red flags for you. Listen to your gut, because once you get married it is allot harder to start over. You are young and have many more things to experience before you decide to settle down.
Listen to that little voice within you, It will not wrong you.
Good luck Hun, I wish you the best. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:19:10 PM | Like others have said your negitives outway your positives. The fact you have doubt, unsure about things and can't bring yourself to pick a date, those are signs in themselves.
- He drinks 3X/wk. To me is one step towards becoming a alcoholic and if he can't cut down on that now, what makes you think he will when married? nevertheless when have kids?
- bad with money. That personally would make me be hesident.. good to be financially secure.
- His desire to hang out with his parents can get annoying. Very close with family that's awesome but he needs to learn can't always be hanging with them.. i mean to me it defeats the purpose of moving out, when spend good chunk of the day with the parents.
- put him at near 300 lbs. Chances of him fixing that problem, is probally not high. Seems he see's nothing wrong with his weight, therefore, won't fix it.
- sex uncomfortable . Sex to me is what makes a relationship whole. Sucky or lack there of, is not good. Alot of people in this case would cheat.
DON'T MARRY HIM!!! | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:24:41 PM | His positive qualities are very good. He's got what it takes to be a good husband and partner when you're both ready. There is no perfect person out there OP...so feel blessed that he's basically a wonderful human being who appears to think you hung the moon.
All the negatives you speak of are something that he can work on and rectify if he wants to. Nothing major here that can't be overcome that I can see.
BUT...
What's your hurry?
One thing that concerns me, is that you haven't really been out there in the world since you've been attached since 18 years of age. Perhaps you're making the ol' pro and con list for a very good reason. Could be that you're just not ready to settle down and you're transferring your stuff?
Something to think about.
All the best to you! | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:25:26 PM | You spent a lot of time talking about his positives and negatives. What about your positives and negatives?
Don't you have any flaws? | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:35:43 PM |
When we DO do things together, we have a good time.
But if you don't go out very often, and don't have a good time just spending time at home then ........ You are having more blah times than good times?
I used to date a video game guy I found the best thing for me was to go out and do my own thing with friends.
He drinks with his friends about 3X/wk.
won't change unless he does it for himself.
Though he is intelligent, he is bad with money. He has had three serious altercations with money that I will not go into.
I have often heard that money problems are a major cause of divorce. Serious altercations affect YOU in a marriage situation, this could affect your credit. You may, as his wife (or ex-wife), become responsible for his debts.
His desire to hang out with his parents can get annoying. His parents like me, which is great, but when he comes to visit me for a weekend, we can sometimes spend up to 10 hrs. at his parents’ home (I live close to his parents).
For this one I would do my own thing for 8 of the 10 hours and have dinner with him and his parents for 2 hours, or some version of that.
I do not mind hefty boys at all. When we started dating, he was a chubby guy. However, his food addiction (not officially diagnosed, but he does spend his money on food, eats it and lies about it) has put him at near 300 lbs. This has made sex uncomfortable as I am one of those wispy pixie girls (think Olsen Twin type of build and stature). We don’t have intercourse that often, however, for people in our 20s. He also pretty much refuses to get healthier
Ouch really? infrequent sex and your not even married yet? It will prolly become non-existent soon enough. Do you want to experience great sex?
Hey when I broke up with my ex from a long time ago and had sex with someone else I was so amazed at how great sex can be I actually enjoyed it.
When we are together, we seem to not have much to talk about and he will usually watch TV and I will just read/be on the computer. But I can also see that as us being out of “the honeymoon phase” so I don’t know if that is a negative or just how life goes.
You seem bored.... This gets worse as time goes on. Go out with some girlfriends.
OP: Mostly I am seeing that you have a lot learn about yourself and some self-reflection would be hugely beneficial to you. My advice would be to try being single for a while experience your own life.
I will never talk a girl out of a breaking up with someone especially before they have major investments such as children, a house, a marriage, because the more in depth you go the harder it is to make that break.
Good luck. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:44:42 PM | The negatives you mention are serious issues and if you have this many problems and not even married, just add more negatives times ten if you get married.
Sex and money are the two most serious issues and the top two reasons for divorce, so if they are a problem now, you are headed down the wrong road and not ready for marriage. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:46:55 PM | Thank you all for your responses so far. It is amazing to hear all of the different perspectives from all of the different walks of life.
I definitely don't want to come off as looking as though I think I am "perfect." We all have negatives and positives. My fiance has them, too, and it is difficult to imagine life without his positive aspects influencing it.
But I know I need to see the big picture too... | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:48:04 PM | I think you need to have a sit down with your fiance and set some goals for the two of you if you really love him as you say you do. You probably both have issues that need to be dealt with before marriage and we are only hearing half the story.
Weight
Alcohol
Money
Sex
These are not small issues like being untidy or forgetting birthday cards. He has to want to change himself you cannot force him. As far as his parents go, that will not change unless you move away. You cannot come between him and his family. His friends are in his town and you just happen to be near the parents. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:57:13 PM |
I definitely don't want to come off as looking as though I think I am "perfect." We all have negatives and positives. My fiance has them, too, and it is difficult to imagine life without his positive aspects influencing it.
But I know I need to see the big picture too...
OP, as has already been said, your BF's negatives outweigh his positives and there is no way to balance the two unless your BF gets professional help and is willing to accept help and change...The only advice for you is not marry him now or ever unless he proves a change has been made. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 5:03:31 PM | Darlin', your MAN is showing all the signs of a serious addictive personality disorder. Were you to marry this fella your marriage would be one filled with strife and trial. It may not even last past a couple/few years.
He can't handle money, and yet he is in school for law, how do you think that is going to work. Lawyers personal problems spill over into their professional lives, and vice-versa.
He's obese, and he doesn't care, even though it is interfering with your sex life. And if that weren't enough, if he is this way at mid twenties, at 300+ pounds he's on his way to a coronary, stroke, or diabetes - so if you think the sex is bad now, give it a few years.
He drinks. A lot, He is out 3x a week with his mates. While going to Law School. Not a good mix. There were guys like this when I went through Law School, not sure where they are now, but that seemed to be their defining characteristic.
He treats you like a princess but when together he ignores you, prefers TV. You are apart most of the week you have nothing to talk about. Wait till he working to make partner. Then you'll have lots to talk about, if you ever see each other (that's sarcasm).
Darlin', if this is his baseline personality, I would run, not walk, away from this relationship until he gets the help he needs, and then only resume that relationship when he's been on the right path for several years - and even then you'll need to be ever vigilant.
TK | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 5:04:13 PM | OP - your fiance's issues far outweigh his positives in more ways than the obvious. The one thing people who have been married or have lived together will tell you is that once you marry/commit, the bad NEVER becomes better and usually gets worse.
You should be able to have sex in every position possible at your age but your fiance doesn't care about your sexual needs or else he would lose the weight. He is a heart attack and stroke waiting to happen plus all that weight is bad for his back and knees which makes physical activity of any kind difficult to perform. He will probably develop Type 2 diabetes by the time he is 30, which will cause, among other things, erectile dysfunction.
The drinking 3x/wk is going probably already putting a strain on his liver and will make erections darn near impossible, too. It doesn't take a psychic to see this guy on a liver transplant list in 20 years.
Money is the #1 issue married couples fight about and it rarely gets better. Do you really want his poor credit rating pull yours into the toilet with his?
And finally, a person who spends so much time with their parents hasn't cut the cord and it will cause problems in the future when he eventually sides with his parents over you. I've seen it dozens of times.
Your intuition is telling you to stop, don't pass go, don't sign the marriage license.
You can do do much better than this. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 5:13:44 PM | | wow 5 years, just stay with the guy. the only reason america has a 50% divorce rate is every guy and girl thinks they can find someone better. don't base your relationship on sex, it's great and all but it can't be the rule in a relationship, only a supplement. it's great how people can mix up such a concept, but trust me you're better off with him | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 5:20:25 PM | You could suggest seeing a marriage/couples' counsellor and see what he says. Money, health, sex issues are very serious. Otherwise, the situation has you describe it can only get worse. Once married, will you be living in the same town as his parents?
Ugh.
Edit: looked at your post again, and realized that you said that you lived close by his parents...but not in the same town
when I was re-reading your post, I felt like I was reading a description of long-time married couple who had lost their spark. Truly, one of the saddest things I've read on here. You might be able to get the spark back, but only if he is committed to improving himself physically so that his sex drive will increase. You need sexual intimacy. As times goes on, you're going to become more resentful.... | |
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