| Ever feel like or been a "starter" significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 12:42:09 PM | Let me set up the scenario here.
You are dating/married/committed to someone and all seems to be going fine. One day they decide to end the relationship with no real explaination. They appear to have "traded up"(i.e. younger, better looking, higher income, etc.) after the break up. Some time passes, and the one that ended the relationship comes back wanting to "pick up" where things left off because now they appreciate you, realize what a good thing they had w/ you, blah, blah, blah.
So if this has happened to you, how did you react? Did you take them back? Did you find their reasoning/excuses acceptable?
If you have been the one to seek a second round-why? What made you think/realize that you had passed up on something worthwhile? Did you want them back as an ego boost, to rebuild your self-confidence, or to relearn how to have a good relationship? Did it work?
Just curious if this is common or just some peoples luck in the jungle of dating. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 12:48:06 PM | | No, you don't take them back. You don't have to spend the rest of your life stewing with hatred for them, but you don't take them back. Never mind how you feel about them right at this moment. They've proven themselves fickle, unreliable, and dishonest. The best guide to how someone will behave in the future is how they have behaved in the past. Let them know there are some things you won't put up with, and stand your ground. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 12:54:33 PM | In this scenario, NEVER take them back. It means that they think you are 'ok' but not quite good enough. It means that as soon as they find someone they deem to be 'better' who pays them attention they will leave you again.
I've never done this to someone else, BTW. I believe that you should break up with people on their own merit, not because of some other person. That's just dirty. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 1:08:51 PM | My first love came back to me a couple years after the break. She'd gone out, got married, had a kid, got divorced...all in the span of 2 years after our break. After it didn't work out that way, she initiated contact and it was pretty clear she was fishing. I hadn't forgotten the *reason* we ended it and I was a little put off by the whole situation. I did still love her...but everything inside of me was screaming that it wasn't right. I opted not to go there and have generally not had any regrets about it. Weird thing is, almost seven years after it was done, we got back in touch and have been able to develop a pretty valuable friendship out of the thing. Those feelings are gone, we've both clearly moved on and it's been an anchor for that time of my life.
I've had a few others boomerang on me and have had my fair share of "complicated" endings to a relationship. But in the end, I've always followed through with letting what's done be done.
I'll be real curious to see the responses to this one. My most recent ex has proposed a ridiculous situation that I didn't even chew on. She's now pursuing her ex, and wanted to know if we could work things out if things between them didn't work out. Seriously?! What is with people these days?! | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 1:20:11 PM | Hasn't happened either direction for me, no have I witnessed it happening with any friends. My own sense of self tells me that I would not accept someone back after something like that, since the fact that they did it would have so sharply and completely reduced my opinion of them as a person, I would no longer find them attractive.
Now if there were, say a twenty year gap between when they left and then returned, I might be able to give them time for me to decide if they had gone through life and learned and changed, or were simply coming back for another free ride with me. Other than that, no. And this opinion has been reinforced many times over by all the stories people have told here in these very forums. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 1:59:59 PM |
So if this has happened to you, how did you react? Did you take them back? Did you find their reasoning/excuses acceptable?
Yes it has happened. I reacted indifferent. You respect someones wishes to move on when they ask you to. End of story. You moved on.
Acceptable excuses? I'm not even sure what that is. Did I have a choice? Whatever their excuse was I had no other choice, but to accept it.
I could use a new lawn mower myself. Not in theory. I really do need a new lawn mower.  | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 5:57:57 PM |
One day they decide to end the relationship with no real explaination. People will constantly come and go in our lives and we should always be civil and respectful to others regardless of their behavior toward us. Fortunately, we have the luxury of ignoring rude and disrespectful people and setting the example of what true class should be. Never lower yourself or your standards and confirm that unacceptable behavior is acceptable. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 6:24:45 PM | I recycle many things, but NOT relationships.
If someone walks out on me without so much as an explanation? He wouldn't even get so much as a phone call out of me. He's not entitled to any of my attention after pulling something like that.
I will only engage in relationships where both parties play fair. No honor=no attention from me. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 6:45:15 PM | Let me set this up:
I have been dealing with the military 3 yrs active then army reserve every since and my ex-wife decided after me helping her raise her daughter then having to more kids which I am the father to leave. But when she decided to leave I was in kuwait/iraq and her excuse was because she didn't want to cheat on me like it was going to make things easier. But then when I did make it home in one piece (which she kinda didn't like) moved out the house and then six months later wanted to come back. But heres the kicker she told me she Moved On With Her Life  and when I asked her what happen with moving on her thing now is I LIED  Well I said I moved on and then later on filed for divorced and had it served to her at work        | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:48:52 PM | Here is another factor:
Let's say you were married to the person for at least 10 years and have several children together. He decides he's "not happy" all of a sudden and moves out. Within about 2 weeks he is living with the "younger model." Then he decides that he really does still love you.
Would those circumstances change anyone's response to this situation? | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:56:13 PM | | Not been in that situation, however it depends. If they left the relationship and later on wanted me back, yeah i'd concider taking them back if and only IF they haven't been with anyone else after me. Of the space/time apart made them realize what they had. The minute they are with another person, to me that's beyond the point of return. I would not take them back. Be friends at most. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:56:33 PM |
Would those circumstances change anyone's response to this situation?
It's something like I've always said.
Were I A judge, and you came before my court, with this liberal, Boo hoo, he had been abused as a child Psycho Babble crap , I'd throw the book at you.
As an abused person, you of all people should know the damage you've caused.
No ! No! No! You might as well tell him , It's ok, and he'll do it again | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 8:10:33 PM | I do understand what you are saying. But at the same time, marriage is sacred. Divorce is difficult for all involved, especially the kids. I am not saying that they should work things out for the kids, but being married with children represents a higher level of commitment.
Trust me, I don't think the abuse defense is worth anything, with the exception of spousal abuse. I am all for standing up and accepting responsibility for your actions. -*
Same circumstances as above, what if the other person agreed to couple therapy? | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 8:15:00 PM | | I know it would suck to have this happen, it kinds of reminds me of a comedian who said "there is always someone better than you waiting in the wings". Personally I have seen this in play and amazingly people actually takes the person back after they stiffed them, Me once your gone, I'll see you in hell. lol | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/10/2009 9:22:20 PM | Okay, this is a psychological phenomenon called... are you ready for this?
- The ghostly lover.
Happens all the time.. people fantasize about the good times they once had with a partner, and forget about the bad, the reasons they left, and try to get back together again.
It usually does not work, because it's just fantasy... the reasons they broke up and/or the bad memories are still there, and will resurface after a time and then they will break up again; they really don't love each other anymore.
Very common occurrance... don't be fooled, don't go there, cut the cord and move on. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/11/2009 12:05:00 AM |
being married with children represents a higher level of commitment. And a higher level of respect. To more than your partner but the children as well. So you think the other person will learn respect through therapy? Maybe. But think about the message you're sending the children. If the other person wants to come back and parent his or her children, then why does that automatically mean they can come back and have a spousal relationship, too? Do you really trust that in a few months or a few years when true feelings once again emerge or the other person meets someone new that you and the children won't find yourselves in this same situation? And back in therapy ... Only you can decide if that is the life you want your children to live. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/11/2009 12:13:14 AM | | I'm actually kind of bad about sealing off my heart once it's open to a lady, but I think my discipline would kick in if I knew she betrayed me like that. never had it happen. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/11/2009 12:34:59 AM | I guess it can go both ways, yes and a no.
Some people hit a rut, and they seperate and then they figure out what it is they really had and see it for what it is worth and want to get back into the relationship.
But for you, the better younger version came into play and he thought the grass was greener on the other side. To that I would have to say NO.
My ex has tried to get back with me, but I will not. He left for an "older" woman who had material things, which is what was important to him as well. He now is unhappy and miserable, even though he has all of his "toys". he works from 5 am to 11 pm to avoid spending time with her. I told him, if he wanted me back, he would have to get rid of his "toys" and get rid of the 150K debt, which will be never. He cheated on me like you would not believe, and I know he has cheated on his wife over the years...once a cheater always a cheater. Before you men say why should he give up his toys, here is the list : mustang, jeep wrangler, ford truck, 6 $1,200 dogs, quad, harley, a car he is working on, her house and some acreage. I do not care about the dogs or the quad or harely, but what man needs 4 vehicles, plus his wife's vehicle. He does not go out, he quit hunting, when he is home he is in the garage, only friends are the co workers he talks to at work only, and has no contact with his family anymore either, by his choice.
His priorites are only for him. (his daughter needs braces and wouldn't even pay for half with his ex, but could afford to pay 1200 for the 6th dog....sorry, family comes first, not toys or material things). He got what he thought he wanted and now, he misses the love and affection and attention and appreciation he once had, sorry...I will give that to someone who will give that to me in return, and not worry about material things and be selfish.
Never take someone back if they tried the grass is greener on the other side. I will not be 2nd best to someone, if I am not their 1st, they are not worth my time and effort and most of all my love. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:30:21 PM | Interesting responses. So far no one has come forward as the person wanting the second round and why they sought it. Odd but not unexpected. To those of you that have shared your experiences w/ this-Thank you.
As for me I am a firm believer in the "you're an ex for a reason" school. You leave, it's over, and in life there are no reruns.
Though one of my reasons for asking is that a guy I dated for a couple of months over a year ago left a note on my door asking me to take him back(& he isn't the first of my exes to do this). I am laughing it off, but was curious if this is common for others or just my corner of the dating world. | |
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| Ever feel like or been a starter significant other?
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:36:33 PM | When I was 19 and didn't know better I thought I wanted him back, when really it was just a blow to my ego that he had enough of my crap and was over me.
I screwed up , he had enough.
I grew up. The end. | |
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